Just another one of those days...

[AmberWaves]

Do you guys ever just have one of those days? Well, today I started with a migraine at 7am, complete with a cold and stomach bug. My BF is also sick, and we were up all night sick. The medicine I take for my migraine makes me nauseous, and to add to my troubles... I found out something SO crappy I literally cried. I was on a website that is a place to find old friends and talk to them again, and I found an old ex of mine. Now, he was the Ross to my Rachel- if ya''ll watched "Friends". He was a freshman in high school when I was a senior- we dated for a bit but I got the usual teasing, so I broke it off. We remained friends for years, and he loved me the whole time. Well, he enrolled in the marines when he graduated from High School- just in time for the Iraq attacks. When that happened, I realized I loved him, too, and we got back together. About a month after that, he was shipped off. Well, to make a long story short (shorter) he met someone else and we broke up. He came home and realized he still loved me, blah blah blah. We tried again, but too much had happened. We ended things badly, and we''ve become distant, because of my BF and his work life. Because our 7 year long off and on relationship/friendship, it was impossible to be friends unfortunately, and we no longer talk. I found out today that he''s engaged, which kills me for tons of reasons, and his fiance is 6 years younger than I am, and about 4 years younger than he is. I know she''s perfect for him, and I''m perfectly ecstatic with my BF, but it just makes me sad, he''ll always be a part of me, and I''ll always be a part of him. I want to be happy for him, but I can''t right now, because part of me wonders if that could have been me. Don''t get me wrong- I love my boyfriend more than the air I breathe, and I wouldn''t change anything ever... it''s just one of those "What if" things. Am I being stupid? He was my first love, and I was his- for so long. Now it''s like it''s never going to be fixed- our friendship, I mean. Like I said, it''s just one of those days- he''s on his way to marriage, and I haven''t even gotten close. I just want to be married to my BF and start a family- also a deal lately- we''re kinda fighting about how we''re going to do it now.. I''m just so sick of everything..

 

[anchor31]

Oh, Amber... *hugs*

I can imagine how hard this can be. Learning that your first love, someone you still care about, has gotten engaged when it''s something you want very badly in your life... I understand that you adore your SO and want to get married to him, but I know what it''s like to wonder ''what if?''

I hope you feel better soon, and maybe you and your SO should do something special together? It always helps putting darker thoughts to rest, I think.

 

[Erin]

HUGS

I remember my mom''s face when she attempted to tell me that my she had just heard that my high school bf of three years had recently become engaged.

 

[Caribou]

Awe Amber.

I don't think you are being stupid. I think it's more that you miss not having him as a friend and that you want to start offically planning your life with your boyfriend and that he is engaged, not fair it should be you. I don't think this has anything to do with you wanting to be with your boyfriend. I think we all have gone through this at some time or another. You seem to wonder about 'the one that got away'...when in fact there's a reason why the two of you aren't together anymore.

Things will happen for you and your boyfriend!! Just try to remember how lucky you are and how lucky he is to have you.

 

[princessv]

*big hugs* I understand how you feel and I think anchor is right do something special with your SO.

My ex-boyfriend whom I dated for almost 4 years and I finally broke it off with because of sooo many reasons got engaged literally after 2 months of meeting and 5 months after our relationship ended to a girl in high school (6 years younger than him). I think it was a rebound thing for him and their engagement and relationship (well its on/off now) hasn''t really lasted.

But your situation is different from the one I just described. Nevertheless even though I was the one who broke it off, I still felt devastated that someone could have moved on that quickly. Although exes will always be a part of you remember why things didn''t work out to begin with. *big hugs again*

 

[JDgirl]

I totally understand where you''re coming from. If my ex got engaged, it would be very hard on me. It''s not because I''m still in love with him. And I''m much happier with my current BF. But that doesn''t mean that I don''t still care about my ex. It''s hard to picture them with someone else, especially when things were good with them. I have no doubt it would also cause me to wonder about the situation, even though I wouldn''t want it to be any different than it is. So, I guess what I''m saying is that your feelings seem totally normal and you shouldn''t worry. It''ll pass. Hang in there, some days are just a little rougher than others. *hugs*

 

[decodelighted]

Oh Amberwaves! I feels for ya! I''ve been a little cursed with a similar phenomenon myself -- two different ex-boyfriends married the VERY NEXT GIRL they dated after me. One was just like me in every way ... hey, why not ME?? But then I realized I''d broken up with HIM. I was the one not ready for marraige or to be married to THEM. Its even more clear now that I''m engaged to someone I actually DO want to marry.

On a more generic note: you can never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Just ''cause a couple''s engaged or on the surface looks "together" & happy ... you don''t *really* know what the deal is. Neither one of them might be as happy as you and your SO are WITHOUT being engaged yet. They might be having the same family/babies/lifestyle debates as you guys are ... YA DON''T KNOW! That''s why its so important to stay focused on our own life, our own satisfaction ... so we don''t give into the temptations of comparing/jealousy/feeling "less" than ...

Hope that made a bit of sense (I''m supposed to be working!) This too shall pass!

Deco

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/29/2005 1:32:47 PM
Author: decodelighted
On a more generic note: you can never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Just ''cause a couple''s engaged or on the surface looks ''together'' & happy ... you don''t *really* know what the deal is. Neither one of them might be as happy as you and your SO are WITHOUT being engaged yet. They might be having the same family/babies/lifestyle debates as you guys are ... YA DON''T KNOW! That''s why its so important to stay focused on our own life, our own satisfaction ... so we don''t give into the temptations of comparing/jealousy/feeling ''less'' than ...

Hope that made a bit of sense (I''m supposed to be working!) This too shall pass!

Deco

Exactly, just think of all the annoying guy things that you don''t have to put up with but she does.

My EX of two years, got engaged to someone else after 2 months of knowing her and 5 months before he decided to break it off with me.

I was very upset when it happened but now I think back to it and realize that 1) my BF is 100 times better; 2) I don''t have to put up with his fat a** anymore; and 3) he will do the exact same thing to her that he did to me, he will not be faithful to her, and will probably take her for all she''s worth.

 

[caligal]

Amber- HUGS honey!

It is completely normal you are having a hard time with the ex getting engaged- and very natural to compare their pace with yours. But he is doing it soon- you''ve got a date set- so hang in there! And bringing together what two people want for a wedding is natural to cause some disagreements, remember it will test and strengthen your relationship. So sorry to hear about the migrane- rest and relax!

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohhh, I''m so sorry Amber!!!! Just like everyone else said, remember the reasons you DIDN''T end up with him, and look forward to a far better future with your current boyfriend! And make him take you out to dinner too.

Also, do you think there''s any chance you COULD end up being friends with your ex now? Maybe now that both of you are in committed relationships with other people, it would be less awkward if you tried to strike up a platonic friendship again at this point? I obviously don''t know much about your situation, but it seems like it could be easier to rebuild a friendship if you both go into it knowing that you''re each in happy relationships, so there wouldn''t be any tension there as to whether or not you might get back together again...just a thought.

But I''m soooo sorry, and I hope you feel better, both migraine and emotion-wise!!!!

 

[AmberWaves]

You know, it's funny because she looks EXACTLY like me, it's scary. So in that way, I'm like- ha ha... second best. I am such a hag about that!

It's weird because I know I am much better off with my current BF (who I dated before the other guy first) but it's just like- he was SO immature when we met, and from what I can see now, he still is. I feel a little sorry for her- almost a child still.

Also- she has huge boobs. Just something I feel dumb mentioning. It's good to know that to him I'm "the best thing that ever happened to him" said after we broke up. And I hope he finds his happiness there. He was jealous of my BF now, and when I tried to talk to him a few weeks ago, he gave me an attitude, which really says a lot about his maturity, right? I am trying to remember the MANY reasons we broke up, because I can see why she'd want to be with him, but I KNOW why I'm not.

It's just such a shock to the system, because at one time, I had our lives planned out. Oh well, at least my current BF is everything I ever wanted and more.

Also: My headache is gone!! Sniffles are still here...

 

[nytemist]

Things happen, or don''t happen, for a reason. It wasn''t to be with your ex, because the relationship fairies knew there was a much better match for you to discover!

Hvae you ever heard people, usually older people, talk about this theory- that every woman a guy dates sort of "loosens the lid" and the woman he is with at the time that he proposes to has "gotten the jar open"? (I know, a pretty bizarre analogy)

 

[Angel7]

I understand and you have every right to feel sad/upset by it.
When I heard that my ex was in a very serious relationship I became upset and I think it was because in my mind I was thinking ..
"God, why couldn''t he be so serious with me? Why can he make it work with her and not me?"
(But like you, I wouldn''t want the ex, immature etc etc)
I think things like that run through our minds.

Maybe you''re just envious of where he is at in his life and you''ld like to be there with your BF, not with the ex, of course.

It will pass. Like everyone else said, there is a reason why you''ve moved on to better things.

I hope you get well soon too!

 

[Rhapsody]

When my first love got married (they were never actually engaged) to a girl who was 6 years his junior when they had only dated for like 4 months I was surprised at how upset I was. I was had been with my current boyfriend for about 3.5 or 4 years at the time and I felt like if one of us deserved to be getting engaged and married it was me. My boyfriend and I had had just started talking about a timeline for engagement/marriage and when I got an email from him saying "I''m married and having a baby" I freaked out. I also had those feelings, what if we had stayed together, could this have been me....? I knew she was far better for him than me but I still kind of wondered what if... We tend to remember the good things much better than the bad, so i really have to sit and think to remember why it''s best that we are not together now. And in the end we''ll both be happier with our current SOs, but it''s still hard.

So obviously you''re just sick and not crazy

I hope you feel better soon, sending virtual cold medicine your way.

 

[AmberWaves]

Rhapsody, I think that''s a big part of it- that while I KNOW that we''re so not right for each other, we destroyed a fantastic friendship for a relationshio that was not meant to be. He was the frst guy to ever see me without makeup.

And he still kept coming back. See it''s things about him I remember, he just wanted to see me, so we went to blockbuster so I could help him pick out a movie (even though we weren''t dating yet). It''s just the things about our friendship that matter now. And I am the one who has spent so long with my BF, why isn''t it me getting married? He supposedly loved me too much for so long, and it''s nothing now? That''s the part that hurt, I was in his life for almost a decade, and he is just letting it go so easily. I''m so selfish, I know. But it''s just a hit to the gut- if I know him, and I''d say I do, he''s just ignoring the little thing that says he still misses me as a friend, he''s too proud to apologize for being a child. But then again, there''s the pathetic part of me that''s too scared to say anything to him again, thinking he''s going to attack me.

Everyone please forgive me for being so selfish and self-obsessed. It''s kinda been a hard day.

 

[Rhapsody]

I think you''re being too hard on yourself Amber. This would be hard even if you were in the ideal state of mind when you heard the news.

I finally had to stop talking to my ex because everytime we did we would tell me he "believes we will be together one day"

what he''s thinking when he says these things... obviously not about his wife or my soon to be fiance. Ugh. Dealing with past relationships is messy and hard and it''s impossible to not have hurt feelings at one point or another. But if you do still want to stay friends with him you can make it work, and once the initial shock wears off it''ll be easier.

Men can be silly and stupid and dont seem to think about how their actions will make us feel. Sometimes you just have to accept whats done and move on.

 

[snuga]

I don''t think you''re being stupid at all. I think it will always be hard to find out that an ex is getting married. Especially when it makes sense for you to be getting married first. Hang in there!!

 

[MINE!!]

Oh I completely understand. I have a first love from High school (D) There is just something about him that still makes my heart go pitter patter. I was married for 7 years and I still felt jealous when he got married. GRRRR.... I love him and always will.. in anopther time, another world, another universe we are soul mates. Part of me is always part of him and vice versa. A few years ago we both found ourselves single again. (he lives about 6 hours away) Every weekend that I did not have my kids I would drive up to see him and spend time with him and just... be part of everything that was him. We used to sit outside, under the stars and make up (runaway plans) together. Both of us knew it was impossible and that we could always be in love with each other... but that did not mean that we were meant for each other. Eventually the times apart became longer and longer and phone calls became shorter and further apart.. then he met someone else and I felt like my heart was ripped out... (again) But I knew that we were not meant to be together.. and when I thought about it and think about it... It really could never work. He and I still talk every onece and a while and I still get some butterflies. I suppose it is because, it is a love that grew in a time of innocence and worry free times. It is a feel good kind of love.. not a reality, day to day, dishes to laundry, ups and downs kinda love that I have with my Darling hubby (whom I love so very much) He will always mean so much to me (D) and I know I do to him.
So I understand what you mean. The thought and memories are bittersweet. But at least we have them and at least you have yours and sometimes, you can sit alone and smile about them.
I love the line from Titanic "The heart of a woman runs deep"

BTW: His ex wife looked like me and my ex kinda looked like him... LOL.. go figure.

 

[AmberWaves]

It just kills me how I''m not even talking to him anymore, and when I saw that my blood went cold. When I told my boyfriend about it last night (just about the engagement, not the hurt feelings, of course) and about how she looked like me, my boyfriend said, "Man, you really screwed him up BAD". And I didn''t think about it until he said that. I guess he did. My BF and my ex couldn''t be more different, so at least I''ve grown.

I have another ex I dated after that, and we stopped talking, but nothing happens when he IMs me. My stomach drops (only because I already told him I''m engaged... so sue me) because get this- my current boyfriend works at a private school that is headmastered by my old boyfriend''s mom, and I just hope she''s not going to divulge the truth! But I''m still not affected by him anymore! Just the Marine. Odd.

 

[AmberWaves]

Okay, so I sent him a message saying I''ve heard the good (gulp) news and that I''m very happy for him. I told him I wish him the best of luck, and i know they''ll be very happy together. All completely normal. Whew.