Just had an interestng conversation...

[bobbin]

About engagement rings... Now a long time ago we had a conversation and I told him that I would like to help him choose the ring, after the proposal and that he would get me a novelty decoy ring (which would probably become quite sentamental to me anyway). I thought that this was established and that we had agreed on it as he seemed quite relieved to know that I didn't expect him to choose it.

Fast forward to today. He is away in his home town for the longweekend for a boys weekend. He called me and it got onto the fact that he had been having an engagement conversation with one of his married friends about how much a ring should cost (the amount of months pay theories). Adam tried to tell him that we have agreed not to spend much on a ring as we want to buy a house, travel and I don't think we will get any help in paying for the wedding either. His friend was saying, sure thats what she says but it is about what you will want to spend (I think a pride issue) and that I would also change my mind. I told Adam then that I would not change my mind as although it would be nice to have a wonderful diamond, everything else was more important and that I basically knew what alternate ring I wanted. HE then suddenly says- well too bad cos I am choosing the ring and surprising you with it!

I was surprised to say the least! He is very indecisive about things normally and when it comes to my birthday and christmas he wants hints at what I want- which I don't usually provide because I think that him showing me how much he knows me and choosing something that he thinks I would like is more important than actually getting something I would like. Not so with an engagement ring! I told him that if he wanted to choose it we should talk about it so he has an idea of what I want. He hated this idea as well- saying that it would ruin the surprise. At this point I almost gave away my growing pricescope obsession, but I kept myself in check and simply said that many couples discuss it whilst still keeping the proposal a surprise. The conversation then took a downward turn with him suggesting that the novelty ring he could get me would be the the ring on a condom with the rest cut off...

However, he was slightly tipsy during this conversation.. I have found in the past though that he will mention something for the first time when he is drunk (this was how marriage first came up 18 months ago), but that I won't take him seriously until I check it wiht him when he is sober. So far he has never said anything on this topic whilst drunk that he has not confirmed later on.

Anyway, long post for a small update.

On other news, we had a discussion about children the other day and decided that unless something happens to preent us, we want to start TTC around January 2010. We have always said that we want to be engaged at a minimum before children.. Not an actual timeline I know but a small indication of where he is at. Previously he has said either next year or the year after, but he also did not want to set a proper timeline as it would ruin the surprise (which is apparently VERY important to him) so it could be earlier.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hmm, I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this. It's good that you've gotten an idea of his time line and I think it's sweet he's talking over engagement stuff with his friends...but I think I'd be rather annoyed, personally, if whatever pressures his friends put on him about how the engagement ring stuff is "supposed" to be outweighed my own personal preference to be involved in the process.

 

[bobbin]

I don''t think it was the conversation that changed his mind (if indeed his mind was changed). The conversation with the friend was simply about the cost of the engagement ring.

I plan on having another (completely sober) conversation with him about this when he gets home and if he is still completely adamant about surprising me with the ring then I will inform him that I will email him pics/general guidelines about rings and then I am sure that I will love whatever he gets me (have a fairly specific idea of what I want but am pretty flexible about it). I don''t want to end up with something I hate but within the range of stuff that I like, whatever he gets me I will love because it comes from him.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/7/2008 7:23:06 AM
Author: bobbin
I don''t think it was the conversation that changed his mind (if indeed his mind was changed). The conversation with the friend was simply about the cost of the engagement ring.


I plan on having another (completely sober) conversation with him about this when he gets home and if he is still completely adamant about surprising me with the ring then I will inform him that I will email him pics/general guidelines about rings and then I am sure that I will love whatever he gets me (have a fairly specific idea of what I want but am pretty flexible about it). I don''t want to end up with something I hate but within the range of stuff that I like, whatever he gets me I will love because it comes from him.

Aye, I get that you''ll love it because it will come from him, but you already talked and (it sounds like) mutually agreed that you''d have some input on the whole thing. If he chooses something from within a range of things you like, then I''m sure that would end up fine, but it sounded like from your first post that he "hated this idea as well" because it would "ruin the surprise." Sorry, but if it''s against your wishes, then the total surprise thing isn''t an ideal solution, and it sounds like something changed his mind to make it sound like it was up to him to do it, since again, in your first post, you said that he "seemed quite relieved to know that I didn''t expect him to choose it." Seemed to me likely that it was the friends you mentioned, but regardless of the reason, I think it''s a bit disrespectful to you, especially since you''d had a conversation previously about doing it together.

 

[mayachel]

I think it is useful to have had this "mini-conversation" inebriated or otherwise, as it gives a fair opening into a longer sober conversation. Not that it needs to be about deadlines, but a working backwards of expectations. For example,

Hey, hon remember when we spoke about being ready to ttc by 2010? Are you still thinking that? And you agree that we will be engaged before we start TTC? I love that you want the engagement moment to be a surprise, were you thinking of doing it with the actual ring? Because it would be really sentimental for me, to have just be about the moment, and NOT the ring. Plus I think it would be romantic to go shopping for a ring together afterwards...

It is possible that simply in the process of being around married friends, he heard about their proposals, and in an attempt to "do it right" started thinking on his own, more about what he thought should go into it. I''m willing to give him credit for getting there on his, maybe inspired by friends, but not necessarily because of friends.

 

[Pandora II]

Wow, personally I would be fuming if FI had started being influenced by his friends over budget - and really annoyed having discussed my wish to shop together for a ring if he then said no you''re going to get a suprise.

It would have been like saying to my FI, I know I was getting you a camera as an engagement gift and that you wanted input on the features you need. But tough, I''m choosing it for you.

My answer would have been, fine you choose then, but if I don''t like it I get to change it. It''s not being bratty over it, but having discussed my desire to be involved, I would see his decision as a lack of respect for my feelings - especially over something as sentimental as an engagement ring.

Just ask him if he''d like you to pick a car for him that he would have to drive forever without his input!

Proposing without a ring can be an even bigger suprise as there are no hints, things on computers, snaking around trying to find your ring size etc.

 

[bobbin]

I can see where you are all coming from and if he doesn''t let me have any input about it I will be annoyed to say the least, but really, I don''t think he would do that. I think that he is thinking about us having in depth discussions and then going and choosing/buying the ring together and me knowing he has it, rather than me simply knowing what kind of ring it may be. What I was trying to say before about the email is that way he knows what I like, I don''t know when he is going to get the ring or even exactly what it will be, but that I will like it and then he is satisfied because it can be a surprise and I am satisfied that it will be something I like. I don''t actually mind not choosing the ring, as long as it is something that I will like.

I''m not sure if something changed his mind, or if he had agreed with me prior to enable the surprise to be more of a surprise (and no I wouldn''t be happy about that either) or if he had simply forgotten about it.. It was quite a while ago- about one or two months after marriage first came up, so at least a year ago and he can be very forgetful.

For me the fact that it is so important to him for it to be a surprise outweighs us shopping for a ring together, as long as I have some input.

And he wasn''t backing down on his budget to his friend, when we were talking he was a bit miffed about why this guy was so sure of his own opinion and telling Adam what he should do.. I agree though, if Adam changed his mind based upon what this friend said I would be annoyed, even thought the friend was encouraging him to spend more money..