just unhappy

[Blair138]

Hi all-I really don''t know what to do lately. BF and I have been dating for 4 years. We have talked about marriage seriously, looked at rings and I have even gone as far as to suggest dates, which he has agreed upon. Right now I am waiting...and waiting... and waiting....and I feel like I am at the point where I am done waiting. I love him more than anything and I know that he is the one. For reasons I would rather not discuss, I am not moving in with him until after we are engaged. He does not live close and I see him about 4x a week (which sounds like a lot, but when it comes down to it, it''s not) but cannot just go there if I feel like it after work one day due to his work schedule and mine. It''s also not possible to stay over during the week due to the fact that I must be to work at 7AM. If one of us has to stay late at work on the day we see each other, then we might go a week without seeing each other. I know that doesn''t sound like much, but we did the long distance when I was in school for 2 years. It sucked and I was so happy to move on from that.

Basically I just have no idea what I''m getting at, I just need to vent. I saw him today and when I left I just felt like crying because now I won''t see him till Saturday due to work. He knows that it bugs me that we are not engaged, but I have stopped bringing it up since I''ve joined this board (only a week...haha) I won''t ask him straight out, but I really don''t understand his reasons for not proposing yet. Money I know is not an issue, age isn''t, jobs aren''t. I just don''t get it...Well thanks for listening. I just need to get over everything.

 

[brooklyngirl]

<-----Hugs!

I''m fresh out of ideas for tonight, but the best advice I can give you (from personal experience) it to start focusing on yourself without thinking about bf. You''re in this limbo and you''re sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place where you don''t want to or are not ready to leave, yet you can''t stand to wait anymore -- and you feel like you don''t have control over your own destiny. The best way to take control is do start doing things for yourself without considering your bf. Spend more time with friends, and do things that are interesting to you. Also determine your timeline and how long you are willing to wait, and mean it. What made me feel better during the wait was to know that on date x the waiting would end, one way or another. Remember, he gets to decide when/if to ask, but you get to decide how much time he has to ask you.

 

[Dani511]

Hello Blair138

Although maybe not in exactly the same boat, I want to offer my support because I completely sympathize with the feeling of waiting endlessly, not quite understanding why it hasn''t happend yet, questioning when it will, and generally feeling not in control about it.

I have also been with my BF for 4 years, we did the long distance thing and now live in the same state but not together, and still dont see one another super often. Money and jobs are only a tiny factor at this point (everything should be falling into place very soon- we are both fairly new teachers- he much more "new" at it than I and both of us are looking for new positions for Fall).

So, I am also wondering when it will happen, and why it just can''t happen right now, since we actually have my grandmother''s diamond solitaire that doesn''t need to be re-set right away ( he hates that idea). While I wouldn''t say I am currently unhappy, since I have been hearing good things lately, I am still very anxious. I completely understand how you must be feeling! I like to have everything under control, and this is something that simply can''t be controlled 100%, if for no other reason other than that it involves another person aside from oneself.

What has helped me, to be honest, is actually this forum! I get to vent, I get advice, I get to listen to others, get ideas, and look at everyone''s beautiful rings! It keeps me from venting too often to my BF, which may be counter -productive. Maybe this forum could do the same for you! There are a lot of helpful people here!

If it is really bothering you, then you should certainly bring it up to him. My argument was always that I deserved to know where my relationship of all of these years is headed. It sounds like a talk wouldn''t be such a bad idea, and who knows, maybe an engagement really could be on it''s way sometimes soon!!

Best of luck to you, let us know what happens! There are lots of people here willing to listen to you and help you out as much as possible!

 

[bee*]

I''d ask him outright why he hasn''t done it. Not in an accusing way, but I''d definitely bring it up with him and see what he says. Just have a conversation with him and see when he sees himself getting engaged.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I agree with bee...just try and ask him why it hasn''t happened yet and maybe see if you can get a general timeline. Perhaps if you had an idea of when he is thinking it will happen you will feel less anxiety surrounding your times apart because you will have an idea of when they will be coming to an end.

 

[Sabine]

Something other girls have talked about doing that seemed to help is to sit down with the bf and make a timeline of when you expect things to happen...like, I''d like to be engaged by this month/year so we can be married by this time so that we can have kids by this time. A lot of guys know that they want to be married and have kids sometime in the near future, but they don''t realize how soon they need to start planning in order for that to realistically happen. At this stage, I don''t think you need to start setting demands like, if we''re not engaged by this date, I''m leaving, but it would be good to see if you''re on the same general page. Also, it can help give you more realistic expectations, so that you''re not wondering, is it going to happen this year, or 5 years from now? Then, once you have a general idea, when it gets closer to when you would both like to be engaged, you can get more specific if he is still hesitant.

 

[Blair138]

thanks for all your replies. We did have a talk like that late last year (07) and his response was "the first quarter of the year" (end of March, it''s April now) And he KNOWS I want to be married next summer and we''ve talked about it and both agreed on it, so I can think of no logical explanation as to why it''s taking so long. The only reason I am waiting to say something is because our 4 year anniversary is Weds. NOT that I expect him to do ANYTHING but it''s the last date of significance that is soon. If (when) it doesn''t happen, I am staying over there this weekend and we are going to have a MAJOR talk. I''m just trying so hard to not bring it up, because for a time I was a major PITA about getting engaged, but have since stopped. It''s just getting SO HARD!!!

 

[catty77]

Blair, I can COMPLETELY relate to your post. It''s reaching the point now where I wonder if I need anxiety meds to get me through this time!!! I am totally miserable and anxious, and on top of that I''m miserable and anxious because I feel miserable and anxious. If that makes any sense! Basically, I thought we were getting engaged 2 weeks ago on a special trip he had planned, and after a talk (well, fight really) last night it sounds like it will be November or beyond. I don''t know if I''m going to make it that long. I think I''m going to try what the ladies above suggested:

A. Talk to him. Tonight. Tell him what I thought was happening and try to get on the same page.
B. After the talk, I''m going to let it go and not drop hints or bring it up randomly (sounds like you''re doing well with this!)
C. Take control of my own destiny and fill my life with lots of non-BF activities. Try to read, knit, do puzzles more to occupy my overworked brain.
D. If all else fails, get psychiatric help!

 

[Blair138]

Date: 4/15/2008 5:55:28 PM
Author: catty77

D. If all else fails, get psychiatric help!

I think I will need psychiatric help. I''m glad I''m not the only one experiencing this! Thanks ladies...I''ll keep you updated!!!

 

[patient1]

Good luck to you Blair138. Crazy guys... sometimes I have to seriously scold my guy. He''ll talk about engagement or marriage, so I know he''s okay saying the words. Yet sometimes he''ll say or do something completely immature or inappropriate and I have to tell him, "Do you realise I''m going to be your wife?!" I don''t think all of this has completely sunk in with him.

Why do boys take so long to grow up? There should be Miracle Grow or vitamins to help guys mature at the rate that girls do.

Best wishes to you (and your guy).

 

[ringless]

Patient1 - you're so funny... I can totally relate.

Blair138 - It is hard... so hard to wait and wait and wait.... it just seems like an eternity. I haven't brought up getting engaged in almost 3 weeks! I am so proud of myself. I have tried making more girls nights, doing things on my own, and since we dont live together only staying at one another's house 1 - 2x's a week max. If we get too comfortable with how things are, then the engagement will not happen for a while. We have lived together when we were younger 18 - 21 and we weren't ready... he says now that he felt like he was married and our relationship wasn't as strong then as it is now... so it was a rough time to be living together. We were just living together for financial reasons and we truely didn't want to live together at all during that time... we now have roomates and things are going really well. We like having our independence and space sometimes, and I think he had a bad vision of what being married was like since we were young and weren't ready for that "move-in" stage. We have such a strong, mature love now and we are constantly talking about this next step in our lives... but it's a matter of when. It's such a waiting game and I can relate to you... it's no fun. Try to be patient and do things for yourself. I have been so much happier just going for walks with my dog in the park instead of grabbing a bite to eat with my bf, or going out with the girls instead of calling my bf to see if he wants to do something. Of course we see eachother for dinner almost everynight ( I make it for him at my place), and we have our usual Friday night date nights with just the two of us, but it is SO important to have YOU time without your bf's...for some reason they find it attractive that we have our own things going on in our lives without them; try it out and before you know it we'll be engaged! (one can only hope!

)

 

[Blair138]

Date: 4/16/2008 11:01:13 AM
Author: ringless
for some reason they find it attractive that we have our own things going on in our lives without them; try it out and before you know it we''ll be engaged! (one can only hope!

)

I HOPE that you are right. This week has been SUPER busy for me and him with work, and I won''t see him till Saturday, when normally I would see him tonight and Friday. Then next weekend I have stuff going on on Saturday without him. Actually, come to think of it, for the next 3 weekends, I have my OWN stuff going on at least one of the nights (either Fri. or Sat.) so hopefully it will make him realize he''s being an idiot by waiting

AND I haven''t mentioned engagements lately either.

Patient1: I agree, we need some "Miracle Grow-Up"

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 4/16/2008 11:01:13 AM
Author: ringless
Patient1 - you''re so funny... I can totally relate.


Blair138 - ....and since we dont live together only staying at one another''s house 1 - 2x''s a week max. If we get too comfortable with how things are, then the engagement will not happen for a while. ....

First of all, Blair, I''m sorry you''re dealing with this; it''s so difficult when you''re on a different page than your SO (trust me, I know). But all the ladies'' advice is great, and I think you''re being very healthy about it by both acknowledging your feelings about all this, and about taking care of yourself by investing in your own personal social life aside from him.

Secondly, I just wanted to comment on what ringless said about living together--my boyfriend and I moved in together in July, and my mother warned me (though she''s very traditional and old-fashioned) that I should really think about moving in with him because that would make him think he can live like that forever without getting engaged/married. Well, I wouldn''t say it''s that black and white, since he does eventually want to get married, but it''s true that it has taken much longer to get engaged than I expected. I wonder now how much he takes me for granted.
Of course, we''ve learned a lot about each other, living together, and I am very happy that we came to these realizations before we made any permanent decisions. However...now I do wonder how much of what my mom mentioned was true. I wonder if he just isn''t in a hurry because we''re already "basically married" (though, um, no, we''re not)...

In any case, I don''t mean to hijack--I just want to say that it''s true that living together (or in your case, Blair, putting your relationship at the forefront of your social life, which is of COURSE understandable, and I think we have all done that) might really make him think he''s GOT YA, and might not make him feel like he has to KEEP YA!

 

[ringless]

Alli Esq/Blair 138 - Yes, living together can hurt your relationship more than strengthen it... it just depends. My boyfriend and I moved in together for all the wrong reasons, and we were young... so it wasn't a good decision for us. He was the best roomate I ever had, but it wasn't the right time. It's always in the back of my head that he would have proposed by now if we had never lived together... although, that might not be true, I can't help but think that! The expression "Why milk the cow, when you can get it for free" comes to mind..... it's sad but guys do think this way.
I am always telling friends to be sure about their decision to move in with their bf's. It's a major decision that can affect things in the long run, so it's good to do it when the time is right and not just for financial reasons like we did.

Blair 138 - Hang in there... you're doing great making time for yourself and spending time with your friends! Guys can be retarted, they need a rude awakening sometimes and sometimes a girl just needs to put herself first and stand her ground. I'm at that point where it's like, I'm going to do what I can on my part to try and hurry up this process and by giving myself more time and spending more time with my friends, you can't go wrong.

You go girl!