Just when I thought we were done with the drama...

[anchor31]

Yesterday, J and I went to pick the tuxes. We''ve been talking about this for about a month; his family was aware of it and knew our intentions were to have the GMs in navy and the fathers in charcoal. No comments from them. The only hitch was that J''s brother F, the best man, insisted that he would buy his own suit to wear again, not quite getting even though I told him that we are renting tuxes, which are more formal and he will most likely never wear one again until he gets married.

So as we made our choices at the store, we ended up deciding to have the fathers in navy as well but with a different vest (they had one charcoal tux but we didn''t like it). Not only do they not sell the navy tux, but it''s cheaper to rent a tux than to buy a suit, and F would look pretty out of place wearing a suit while the groomsman and the fathers are wearing tuxedos and the usher (my brother) a military dress uniform... So we signed up F for a rental. I told J that I would pay for F''s rental if it was too much of a problem because I''d originally told his brother it was okay to buy his own, and it probably doesn''t matter to him (F) whether he wears a suit or a tux, but it matters to me. With four tuxes rental the groom''s is free, so it doesn''t matter to me whether we pay for J''s or for F''s.

We went back home and called our men to tell them about what we picked. I left a message for my dad and J called his. For some reason he ended up talking to his mom and she FLIPPED OUT. She just couldn''t understand why F couldn''t buy his own suit, why we''d booked tuxes and not suits, why had we booked a tux for his father and why were the fathers wearing the same colour, and OMG it''s so expensive. J calmly tried to explain to her that tuxes are more appropriate for a wedding, that suits are not available for rent and that it''s cheaper to rent a tux than to buy a suit, but she wouldn''t hear any of it. How can he make decisions like this on his own, does having the fathers dressed the same mean the mothers have to dress the same, why is it always about him, and with him it''s always about money.

J lost it. He calmly told his mother he was done talking to her and that he was going to hang up, and he hung up the phone. He couldn''t believe it, and neither could I. I just stood there and prayed, and when J told me what had just happened in more details and I started crying... I went into our room and cried and prayed, I even called a friend and asked her to pray with me. I heard J cry in the kitchen; he was devastated and I was devastated for him.

I can''t believe how much drama and grief his mother''s been giving us over the wedding when she''s not contributing to it in any way (see here for previous dramarama). How can she expect to have a say? I know she''s projecting; she says it''s always all about him and with him it''s always about mone when clearly it''s always about her and with her it''s always about money, but it doesn''t make it less hurtful. I know she''s having a horrible time adjusting to her youngest son (middle child) getting married, but it doesn''t make it any easier for us to accept the abuse. Honestly it feels to me like he was always her favorite and the way she sees J doesn''t always seem very healthy; she''s in a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage and I think she would have wanted her husband to be like J. She gave him a ring for his 25th birthday (after we were engaged), that sort of thing, so she obviously has issues with her son''s marriage.

As far as money goes, his parents are not giving us a single penny for the wedding, we didn''t ask and they didn''t offer. The only things they have to pay for is a dress for her (which she can find under 150$) and 100$ for his tux rental. 250$, that''s it. We never asked for anything else, we''re not asking them to take care of the rehearsal dinner or anything at all; it''s actually been years since J has asked anything to his parents at all. They''re not exactly hurting for money either, and since their children have turned 18 they have not contributed to any projects whatsoever, whether it''s school, a car, a home, anything. They just... In their mind, they are done giving money to or spending money for their children. Period.



I''m not really angry anymore, just very sad. The only thing I want is for our families to get along with us and each other... It''s so difficult having his parents flipping out every time we do something that''s not to their liking. I talked to my father this morning about the tuxes and he just said "sounds good, I''ll get measured when I''ll be in town." No fuss, no problems, just ok. I''m very blessed to have an extraordinary loving and supportive family... It makes me so sad that the man I love doesn''t have that.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Prayers, positive thoughts and insight would be appreciated.

 

[swimmer]

Oh Anchor!
I''m so sorry you and your honey are going through this; it sounds like his mom has some heavy stuff to work through. Then again, the call could have gotten her at a bad moment and she was upset about something else (like her not so happy union or finances) but took it out (sadly) on her son. They key is that her issues are NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH to let her reaction drag you down. If you are devastated by her reaction, try to think instead of feel. She either wanted you/your FI to be upset or is oblivious to your feelings. You have options here. If you are upset, she has won. I know that is exactly the advice your well adjusted mom gave you when the girls in middle school were being mean, but its great advice. My mom is a therapist and she tells me all the time, "no one can make you feel anything, you choose how you react and feel." Drives me crazy when I just wanted commiseration, but Eleanor Roosevelt said something very similar about consenting to creep when you want to soar, and it is true.

Mostly I am so sorry that reacted so poorly, hopefully she is upset about that as well. You however get to revel in the fact that you are getting married to a man who is perfectly lovely and was able to emotionally make it out of her home. Continue to bask in the love of your man and in the strength of your faith and try to rise above the emotional quagmire she seems to be dragging you into.

 

[sumbride]

Ah, Anchor... I''m so sorry!

I found during my planning that lots of people had amazing irrational reactions to decisions that WE made, that really didn''t affect them in the long run, that were OUR decisions to make, and there was nothing we could do other than change the subject... You and your FI were right to choose tuxes, and you had every RIGHT to make that decision! If people are going to be in your wedding, they wear what you pick out! That''s how it works. As for your FMIL, she probably won''t drop it until you make another decision she doesn''t like, and then she will focus on that one, but don''t be all that surprised if they start to compound upon each other... as in, "Now you want to serve CHICKEN! AND you chose TUXES!!!" You just have to ignore her and keep changing the subject.

My MIL was very upset that DH chose expensive tuxes for his groomsmen. We don''t know why. SHE didn''t have to rent one! Her escort wore his own tux (per our ok), she didn''t pay for ANY of the tuxes, so why was it such a big deal that the one DH chose happened to be more than she thought was reasonable? Because she wanted to make a big deal about it! Not a single groomsmen complained about the cost of his tux rental. Not a ONE. I think his mom is still upset though. And it''s completely irrational, of course. She''s also still upset about the shoes my jr. bridesmaid wore. They were about a half size too big. Does anybody else even remember? Nope, but she brings it up EVERY SINGLE TIME we talk to her and it''s been 4 months since our wedding!!! It could go on for years.

So this is the time where you and J find each other and make your own family... part of the wedding planning/engagement time is letting go of your own families, and it sure does get easier when the moms go nuts! I think that may be the reason, subconsciously of course. Hang in there!!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, Anchor sweety! I''m so sorry to hear this. That sounds so difficult and so horribly unpleasant. I wish I knew what to tell you to help make it better, but the only thing I can think of is just to let it all out, and then go on as though it never happened. Your FMIL is hostile even when she doesn''t express it. Maybe she will settle down after you get married, but if she doesn''t, you''ll have to come up with strategies to make yourself impervious to it. You need Anti-MIL Emotional Armour (AMEA?)! So then she can sling her arrows at you, but they won''t hurt you. Remember that it''s her that is full of anger and sadness, and not you that is causing it.

My thoughts are with you!

 

[aljdewey]

Anchor, please hear this with the gentleness that I''m saying it with.......

I suspect she''s treating you both this way because you allow it. Some people feed off drama and chaos, and when they are able to succeed in creating it by behaving as they do, it reinforces this behavior.

She knows she gets under your (you and J''s) skin, and that''s why she keeps doing it. If you stop letting her have it (the satisfaction and the victory), she''ll stop doing it.

Don''t let this negative woman inject hysteria and despair into what should be a happy time for you. Once you two can get to a calm place emotionally, J should call his dad in a VERY CASUAL tone....."hey, I just wanted to touch in and tell you that we''ve finalized the wedding attire details. We''ve decided on tux rentals. We realized it''s less expensive to rent them than to buy suits, so we felt this was most considerate to all involved. If the cost is somehow problematic, let us know and we''ll see what we can do to help you out." And that''s IT. VERY calm, very casual, and very matter-of-fact.

I know it''s frustrating, I really do....but you are adults and getting ready to marry. You need to find a way not to give up your emotional power to this negative person. If you don''t insist (through your actions) on respectful behavior, you aren''t going to get it. You need refuse to participate or engage when she steps out of line. If she persist, then you need to choose to be inaccessible to her. Either way, don''t let this lady ruffle your feathers. Life is just too short.

 

[surfgirl]

So this is the time where you and J find each other and make your own family... part of the wedding planning/engagement time is letting go of your own families, and it sure does get easier when the moms go nuts! I think that may be the reason, subconsciously of course. Hang in there!!!

I really liked what sum said here anchor. So true. And if you take this and combine it with what alj said, you''ll both be fine. Honestly? I dont think prayer will fix this. I think good, old fashioned psychology 101 will fix it. You know her game. Now stop letting her win. Become the "MIL Whisperer"! Change your behavior, in order to change hers. Dont "let her know", TELL HER what''s what, albeit in a firm but polite way. And move on. I think from this point onward you might not want to share any planning with them unless it directly involves them - maybe you''re already doing that, I''m not sure. But please dont let it ruin this very special time. If you both need to go to a counselor to figure out some better coping strategies for his in laws, then by all means go! It''s not easy to deal with someone like you''re describing and it seems that your FMIL has deep issues with letting her son go. Good luck, you can do this!

 

[anchor31]

swimmer, sumbride, IG, alj and surfgirl - Thank you very much for your replies. We''ve been keeing his mother out of the loop as far as planning goes, but for that sort of thing it was a bit more dfficult... J does agree though that he should''t have talked to his mother about it. I agree with all of you that we must learn to ignore her freakouts and not react to it; build an AMEA, as IG puts it. I have to say we''re doing better than last time on that aspect. After the emotions were out last night, we have a lovely evening watching a movie and wet to bed in a good mood, we had a perfectly normal day today as well.

I also have pretty good news, since J has talked to every man concerned by the tux rental and they are all okay with it. Even his brother, even his father. So what his mother was upset about, we have absolutely no idea.

And I have to say that my mother is an absolute ANGEL. I just realized today that we had to plan a rehearsal dinner and had no idea what to do, so I called her about it. She told me not to worry, I just had to give her the date and she would take care of everything. She''s actually going to host it herself at home! There''s only going to be a maximum of 15 people there, but I think it''s very generous of her.

 

[Kaleigh]

Glad things have calmed down Anchor!!! I am hoping that when I become a FMIL, I will remember these threads and be a sweetie pie, hehe.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Anchor - glad to hear things have calmed down. I think alj said it absolutely wonderfully. I think that wedding planning really brings out the true colors in a lot of family members, and it is such an emotional time, and people get crazy (sometimes even if they weren''t to begin with). Your FMIL sounds so much like my dad and stepmom. My dad tried to refuse to wear a tux to my wedding even though the only thing he had to do was go get fitted at a shop that was 5 minutes from their house. He didn''t have to pay for it or anything.

So I completely feel your pain.

The only thing I can say is that sometimes, sadly, people like this aren''t able to get past themselves and be truly happy for you, and you have to do your best to distance yourself from them emotionally or risk getting hurt repeatedly by their behavior. It sounds like you and your FI are doing a really good job of starting to do just that and I really commend you for it - I think it shows your maturity, and the strength of your relationship and love and respect for one another.

I''ll keep my fingers crossed that the drama is more subdued from this point forward, and that even if its not, you and FI are able to create enough emotional distance that this type of manipulation isn''t so painful for either of you in the future.

 

[bee*]

I''m so sorry to hear of all the hassle that they are giving you anchor! She sounds like a right battleaxe. D''s mam can be quite difficult also and keeps questioning certain things that I like, such as the colour of bridesmaids dresses etc. I''m starting as I mean to go on though and as we''re paying nearly the whole wedding ourselves, I''ve just told her that it''s my favourite colour and that''s why I picked it.
I hope that things will improve for you!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks for your kind words, ladies. I feel better knowing I''m not alone, but at the same time I feel sorry for you because I know how difficult it is!

 

[ChinaCat]

I''m very blessed to have an extraordinary loving and supportive family... It makes me so sad that the man I love doesn''t have that.


But now he has you!!!!

 

[sap483]

Hi Anchor, I just wanted to say that I''m so sorry that you''re going through this. I''m frustrated for you. I don''t understand why people feel the need to get all worked up and make a big deal about things. Your FMIL''s anger doesn''t even make any sense to me...what your FBIL and FFIL wear has nothing to do with her. You''re going so far as to pay for your FBIL''s tux- that''s above and beyond what''s required of you. When he joined the wedding party, it''s with the knowledge that he would have to pay for and wear whatever you as the bride and groom picked out for him to wear. End of story- if you aren''t ok with that, don''t be in the bridal party. And changing FFIL''s tux color doesn''t change a single thing. I know that there isn''t much you can do- you can''t change people. Just try not to let it get to you. IMO, ignoring their ridiculous behavior is really the best thing that you can do for you. We''re all here for you whenever you need to vent!

 

[Independent Gal]

On a brighter (if threadjacking note) did you ever find an interview suit?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 1/14/2008 2:32:25 PM
Author: ChinaCat
I''m very blessed to have an extraordinary loving and supportive family... It makes me so sad that the man I love doesn''t have that.


But now he has you!!!!

Very true. Thanks!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 1/14/2008 4:35:08 PM
Author: sap483
Hi Anchor, I just wanted to say that I''m so sorry that you''re going through this. I''m frustrated for you. I don''t understand why people feel the need to get all worked up and make a big deal about things. Your FMIL''s anger doesn''t even make any sense to me...what your FBIL and FFIL wear has nothing to do with her. You''re going so far as to pay for your FBIL''s tux- that''s above and beyond what''s required of you. When he joined the wedding party, it''s with the knowledge that he would have to pay for and wear whatever you as the bride and groom picked out for him to wear. End of story- if you aren''t ok with that, don''t be in the bridal party. And changing FFIL''s tux color doesn''t change a single thing. I know that there isn''t much you can do- you can''t change people. Just try not to let it get to you. IMO, ignoring their ridiculous behavior is really the best thing that you can do for you. We''re all here for you whenever you need to vent!

It is ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous even, since it''s not even her business and none of the men concerned had a problem with what we picked. As far as paying for F''s rental, it may not be necessary, he said it wouldn''t be necessary, so we''ll see.

Thanks!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 1/14/2008 4:37:06 PM
Author: Independent Gal
On a brighter (if threadjacking note) did you ever find an interview suit?

As a matter of fact I did! At Laura Petite. Pricier than the one I tried on when we met up, but still 50% off... And my mother kindly helped me pay for it. At least I know it''s going to last me a while, so it''s worth it. Thanks for asking!