Anna0499
Brilliant_Rock
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JW: Does anyone out there have family who doesn''t get along with your BF/FF/FI?
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Bia
Ideal_Rock
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It would help if you were a little more specific. In other words, what do you mean by personality conflicts? How do they each feel about it? What have they said...etc.
Sometimes it takes a little time for family to feel comfortable with your SO, or vice versa. If a lot of time has gone by, then you might want to talk to your mother about what the problem is. Unfortunately, without more information, I can''t really give you any advice. Just that I hope it turns out for the best!
Sometimes it takes a little time for family to feel comfortable with your SO, or vice versa. If a lot of time has gone by, then you might want to talk to your mother about what the problem is. Unfortunately, without more information, I can''t really give you any advice. Just that I hope it turns out for the best!
Anna0499
Brilliant_Rock
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Okay...you asked for it but I''ll try to keep it as short as possible.
Let''s see here...I guess I am a special type of Lady In Waiting in that my BF wants to get engaged/married ASAP but my parents, namely my mother, is 100% against it. I do not want to entertain the idea of a proposal for another year or so but I would like for my parents to be onboard in any instance. I''ve been dating my BF for almost two years but we''ve known of each other since high school. My mom is a very stubborn woman who does not forgive & forget easily (or ever). She is also a but judgmental and snobby. It''s not congruent with my personal outlook but she is my mother & I''ve learned to realize that is her way & I can''t change someone who doesn''t want to be changed. She''s a kind of all-or-none type person, either she LOVES you or HATES you. About a year ago, my BF & my mom got in a huge blowout fight &, although he''s swallowed his pride & apologized many times, she refuses to have anything to do with him. My BF hired my sister to work in his store (FIRST MISTAKE!) & she later quit when the school year started. He was okay with it & understood that school came first but he was a little annoyed she hadn''t told him earlier, as was I. Meanwhile, a girl who had just been fired from the store told my sister that my BF had been saying mean things about her leaving but my BF has never said a bad thing about my sister & that the fired employee was just venting & stirring up trouble. My sister was upset about it & told my mom about it at which point my mom jumped to the conclusion that it was true (w/o consulting with me or my BF) & accused him of being a jerk. I realize this was completely immature on her part, but that isn''t the whole problem. My mom went on to tell my BF to stay away from me & just let me study (I had just started law school at the time) & he, being annoyed with the accusations & demands, fired back & told her that he was a 27 year old man & he can talk to me if he wants. This made my mother livid (again, overreacting) & she went on to say he was a lowlife, etc., etc. The conflict doesn''t really matter when the two of us are together but it really becomes apparent when he is not allowed to visit my parents'' house when I come back in town, spend holidays with us, etc. It''s actually really sad & a point of tension between my mother & I. Otherwise, our relationship is great but my mother is very unwavering on this topic & everytime he reaches out she repeats that that my BF will never be part of our family. I know it is her maternal protectiveness taking over but she will not accept any type of gesture from him to try to amend the situation. My parents are unhappily married &, truth be told, should''ve probably been divorced a long time ago. She is scared that I will be "stuck" in a bad relationship like she was & warns me about "marrying down." But to clarify, everything was fine between them before the whole fight took place so my mother does not mean "marrying down" in the financial sense (although his family is much poorer than mine & that MIGHT play a factor), she contends that she means it in a "manners/class" sense in that a BF/GF of her child should not talk back or raise his voice to the parents. She is a very traditional (Asian) parent & believes respect for parents is #1 & I agree with that but to a point. I have tried talking to her several (about 
times about it but I never change her mind one bit & she shows no signs of letting up. Sometimes people make mistakes, including parents, & need to be forgiven. I''ve tried every approach with her, from sitting down & having a long conversation about it to a big fight with the same results. After hearing both sides of the story, I think my BF was just sticking up for himself & he is 28 & his mother died of a brain tumor some years ago (almost 10) so he''s not used to someone telling him what to do or not to do (nor do I think it is my mother''s place on some issues, i.e. dating), but didn''t mean any disrespect. My BF is also somewhat stubborn but has made several attempts to form a relationship that I love him for trying even though they have all been rejected. I myself am 25 but still feel her tight grasp upon me, mostly b/c my parents have & are currently footing the entire bill for my legal education & living expenses during school. It''s not a complete money-is-power situation but I do take extra care not to offend or disrespect them in any way. I know most PSers out there are strong, independent, don''t-take-any-sh!t-from-anyone types but I think we can all relate to the special tact (& sometimes grudging acceptance) we have to give to parents. I am very close with my family & I really hate that, because of my mother, my BF can''t be. If you''ve ever seen the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" it''s kind of like that in that my mother sort of runs the family & people don''t want to upset her so no one else in the family feels comfortable with forming a relationship with my BF either. I guess I just wanted to hear your perspectives on the situation & from other PSers who have had to deal with a similar situation of parents not getting along w/SOs. Thanks for reading!
times about it but I never change her mind one bit & she shows no signs of letting up. Sometimes people make mistakes, including parents, & need to be forgiven. I''ve tried every approach with her, from sitting down & having a long conversation about it to a big fight with the same results. After hearing both sides of the story, I think my BF was just sticking up for himself & he is 28 & his mother died of a brain tumor some years ago (almost 10) so he''s not used to someone telling him what to do or not to do (nor do I think it is my mother''s place on some issues, i.e. dating), but didn''t mean any disrespect. My BF is also somewhat stubborn but has made several attempts to form a relationship that I love him for trying even though they have all been rejected. I myself am 25 but still feel her tight grasp upon me, mostly b/c my parents have & are currently footing the entire bill for my legal education & living expenses during school. It''s not a complete money-is-power situation but I do take extra care not to offend or disrespect them in any way. I know most PSers out there are strong, independent, don''t-take-any-sh!t-from-anyone types but I think we can all relate to the special tact (& sometimes grudging acceptance) we have to give to parents. I am very close with my family & I really hate that, because of my mother, my BF can''t be. If you''ve ever seen the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" it''s kind of like that in that my mother sort of runs the family & people don''t want to upset her so no one else in the family feels comfortable with forming a relationship with my BF either. I guess I just wanted to hear your perspectives on the situation & from other PSers who have had to deal with a similar situation of parents not getting along w/SOs. Thanks for reading!
jitterymo
Shiny_Rock
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I''m so sorry to hear that your BF and mother don''t get along...I have always told myself that I could never be with someone that my parents didn''t like...
so good luck, and maybe you could get your mom to like him more if he got involved and did something to prove that he is a great guy. Like some community service, or joined a club with your mom. he shouldn''t give up, it will be hard to keep having a relationship with him if you are close with your mom and she doesn''t approve! and you may not see it now, but it will also put a dent in your relationship with him if things are not resolved soon...
so good luck, and maybe you could get your mom to like him more if he got involved and did something to prove that he is a great guy. Like some community service, or joined a club with your mom. he shouldn''t give up, it will be hard to keep having a relationship with him if you are close with your mom and she doesn''t approve! and you may not see it now, but it will also put a dent in your relationship with him if things are not resolved soon...
Bia
Ideal_Rock
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Wow...when you give info, YOU REALLY GIVE IT!!!
The background helped a lot, SO THANKS!
Okay, firstly, let me just say, I feel for you. I have a close friend who was in a very similar situation. She, too, comes from a traditional Asian family (Japan) and her BF (they have since ended their relationship--NOT b/c of family!) who is also Asian (China) had a very difficult time with her family. In Japanese culture, from what she has explained to me, family, particularly parents and grandparents, are very much the center of it all. They are expected to receive the utmost respect at all times, especially from their children. Her family, all professionals and very much invested in the idea that education is key, was not thrilled at the idea of her marrying her BF. Although he is Asian as well, they preferred she be with a Japanese-American (ridiculous!). Even though his customs are similar, his upbringing was just different and they did not like that. He chose to go the military route and then finish school. This was the first strike against him. He also was very Americanized (born in China, raised in NY). So her family felt that he didn''t abide by the family-comes-first rule of thumb--which was not true at all but they didn''t give him a chance. Put it this way, he visited their home with intentions to ask her father for her hand...and he did. Her father, flat-out, said "no." So, he was off to a really bad start and would continue to have a hard time w/ her family because, like your mother, they felt he "wasn''t up to snuff," so-to-speak. However, in this case, their personal issues prevented the relationship from reaching marriage. She has told me that it pained her to know her family did not (and would not) warm up to him, because he is a great guy and if things had worked out on a personal level, she would have married him regardless. We are still holding out hope for them, but they probably won''t get back together
It seems to me that your BF has tried many times to smooth things over with your mother. I feel for him because I can imagine it is not easy on his end. Too bad your mother doesn''t take that into account...
In many cultures, (hispanic included--that''s me) family is number one. My family is most important in my life, and, IMO, BF falls under the family category. If my parents, without reason, refused to accept him, I would not back down, because it is not their choice. Just like if my BF, without reason, refused to accept my family, AND love them, I could not be with him. He needs to try and love them, because he loves me. My best advice would be to tell your mother how much this hurts you. That you understand her reasoning but you and she are different and therefore, she cannot expect you to make choices based on what she would do or the choices she made for her life. Explain that your BF has tried to make ammends, to no avail. Tell her, however you think is best, that you love her, but this is your future and you are choosing him (if you in fact are). After that, the ball is in her court. It is possible she will dismiss what you say (it seems she has done that already) and if this happens, you have to decide what is more important. If you aren''t really ready to take your relationship to a higher level, then maybe just let things lie and hopefully over time, your mother will relent.
The reason being an adult can suck so much and the reason things in life get tricky is because life is full of choices. As an adult, you have to be ready to make choices for your life...no one else''s. It is very possible your mother will never like your BF, and so you may have to decide what you will do if that should happen. I am sorry you are put in that position now...with so many other things on your plate...Law School no less!
I guess you should ask yourself what BF means to you in your life. Just remember that this is your choice. You, and only you, can choose the person you want to be with...no one else has the right to make that choice for you.
I wish you the best of luck
Okay, firstly, let me just say, I feel for you. I have a close friend who was in a very similar situation. She, too, comes from a traditional Asian family (Japan) and her BF (they have since ended their relationship--NOT b/c of family!) who is also Asian (China) had a very difficult time with her family. In Japanese culture, from what she has explained to me, family, particularly parents and grandparents, are very much the center of it all. They are expected to receive the utmost respect at all times, especially from their children. Her family, all professionals and very much invested in the idea that education is key, was not thrilled at the idea of her marrying her BF. Although he is Asian as well, they preferred she be with a Japanese-American (ridiculous!). Even though his customs are similar, his upbringing was just different and they did not like that. He chose to go the military route and then finish school. This was the first strike against him. He also was very Americanized (born in China, raised in NY). So her family felt that he didn''t abide by the family-comes-first rule of thumb--which was not true at all but they didn''t give him a chance. Put it this way, he visited their home with intentions to ask her father for her hand...and he did. Her father, flat-out, said "no." So, he was off to a really bad start and would continue to have a hard time w/ her family because, like your mother, they felt he "wasn''t up to snuff," so-to-speak. However, in this case, their personal issues prevented the relationship from reaching marriage. She has told me that it pained her to know her family did not (and would not) warm up to him, because he is a great guy and if things had worked out on a personal level, she would have married him regardless. We are still holding out hope for them, but they probably won''t get back together
It seems to me that your BF has tried many times to smooth things over with your mother. I feel for him because I can imagine it is not easy on his end. Too bad your mother doesn''t take that into account...
In many cultures, (hispanic included--that''s me) family is number one. My family is most important in my life, and, IMO, BF falls under the family category. If my parents, without reason, refused to accept him, I would not back down, because it is not their choice. Just like if my BF, without reason, refused to accept my family, AND love them, I could not be with him. He needs to try and love them, because he loves me. My best advice would be to tell your mother how much this hurts you. That you understand her reasoning but you and she are different and therefore, she cannot expect you to make choices based on what she would do or the choices she made for her life. Explain that your BF has tried to make ammends, to no avail. Tell her, however you think is best, that you love her, but this is your future and you are choosing him (if you in fact are). After that, the ball is in her court. It is possible she will dismiss what you say (it seems she has done that already) and if this happens, you have to decide what is more important. If you aren''t really ready to take your relationship to a higher level, then maybe just let things lie and hopefully over time, your mother will relent.
The reason being an adult can suck so much and the reason things in life get tricky is because life is full of choices. As an adult, you have to be ready to make choices for your life...no one else''s. It is very possible your mother will never like your BF, and so you may have to decide what you will do if that should happen. I am sorry you are put in that position now...with so many other things on your plate...Law School no less!
I guess you should ask yourself what BF means to you in your life. Just remember that this is your choice. You, and only you, can choose the person you want to be with...no one else has the right to make that choice for you.
I wish you the best of luck
If your BF is the one for you, then you have to stand by him. Our parents are human, too, and they make mistakes.... If your BF has made several attempts to make up, and you have tried to address the issue several times, and she still isn''t ready to get over it, then there''s nothing you can do but let her have her space. Be polite to your mother, but if you tolerate any insulting comments about or rude behavior toward your BF, you''re letting her violate your boundaries as a grownup. Calmly make it clear that the topic isn''t up for discussion.
Sometimes it takes people a while to come around. I can''t stand my sister''s BF (he''s a lowlife who treats her poorly, but it''s her adult decision to remain in a relationship with him), and I''m having to learn to keep my comments to myself. I don''t have to act like he''s my best friend, but if I continue to question her choice to be with him, I''d be disrespecting her. Of course, I will continue to think whatever I want about him to myself.
Good luck! I know it''s a sticky situation, and it''s really hard to draw the line with the very people who raised us.
Sometimes it takes people a while to come around. I can''t stand my sister''s BF (he''s a lowlife who treats her poorly, but it''s her adult decision to remain in a relationship with him), and I''m having to learn to keep my comments to myself. I don''t have to act like he''s my best friend, but if I continue to question her choice to be with him, I''d be disrespecting her. Of course, I will continue to think whatever I want about him to myself.
Good luck! I know it''s a sticky situation, and it''s really hard to draw the line with the very people who raised us.
diamondfan
Super_Ideal_Rock
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I am not Asian but totally understand their views of family being utmost and respect to elders, especially parents, being vital.
However, your BF did nothing wrong. Your sister, being young, handled leaving the job badly. Not a huge crime, but not considerate of him and running a business. He might have been annoyed, and rightly so. But if this other employee is a trouble maker, I could see her being a pot stirrer. Was the other employee friends with your sister? Do you know what her motives would be to say anything once your sister was gone?
Your mom is being 100% stubborn. If he has tried to clear things up many times and she is just refusing to move an inch, it is wrong but she will likely not change unless SHE feels like it. No amount of talking now is going to get through to her. I would point out that money and status do not make a marriage happy. Does she not want for you to have a good marriage? All the trappings do not make two people a good match. Is he good to you? Do you love each other? That is more important than how much money he makes, if you see a future with him and are happy with each other. I understand parents wanting the best for their kids but you are not a child, and since many marriages end, I would think having you happy would be the most important thing.
However, your BF did nothing wrong. Your sister, being young, handled leaving the job badly. Not a huge crime, but not considerate of him and running a business. He might have been annoyed, and rightly so. But if this other employee is a trouble maker, I could see her being a pot stirrer. Was the other employee friends with your sister? Do you know what her motives would be to say anything once your sister was gone?
Your mom is being 100% stubborn. If he has tried to clear things up many times and she is just refusing to move an inch, it is wrong but she will likely not change unless SHE feels like it. No amount of talking now is going to get through to her. I would point out that money and status do not make a marriage happy. Does she not want for you to have a good marriage? All the trappings do not make two people a good match. Is he good to you? Do you love each other? That is more important than how much money he makes, if you see a future with him and are happy with each other. I understand parents wanting the best for their kids but you are not a child, and since many marriages end, I would think having you happy would be the most important thing.
dragonfly411
Ideal_Rock
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I''m on the opposite end of the spectrum, though not with a mother or direct relative, this man does serve as one of two father figures in my SO''s life. My SO''s uncle is a royal JERK. He is SO''s mother''s brother. SO''s mom chooses to live a regular lifestyle, with lots of animals, and helping people. The uncle is self made wealthy, and he shoves it in the entire family''s face. Sometimes it''s in a good/nice way, taking everyone to Disney, or buying thoughtful Christmas presents. But many times it is flat out RUDE. I''ll go over there and all he can talk about is his expensive truck, the boat he''s having built, the watch he''s wearing, whatever trip he''s planning next with his wife. The wife will sit and MAKE me look at Tiffany and Coach magazines with her, which SO and I are younger and building savings so we can''t afford big fancy purses and jewelry, we''d rather have a house first lol. So this is kindof an ongoing problem.
But the real reason I don''t get along with this man is because he knocks everyone down and makes them feel terrible. He chooses to "help" others, but then acts like those people owe him. He did this with us, and my SO and I didn''t give them their Christmas gift until after Christmas due to conflicting dates... and the guy basically came over while SO was gone and called us ungrateful, and said that we were so rude, we didn''t even call them on Christmas, or send a Christmas card or buy a gift. Now.... this isn''t MY responsibility, but he felt a need to make me feel like a complete jerk, and I hadn''t done anything wrong!!! Not too long after, he tried to give the Christmas gift that SO''s mom got him BACK TO HER! Saying it wasn''t what he had wanted
Since then I have explained to my SO that I understand this man is like a second father to him, and I don''t mind that, and I want them to remain close, but that until I receive an apology for the way Uncle treated me, I won''t be socializing with him besides at family gatherings. I don''t call, I don''t talk to them online, and I don''t go to visit specifically them.
They''ve since invited us to their NEW house in the keys, wanting SO''s mom to go cook for not only this small group of family, but the wife''s family as well.... that''s 10 people she''d be cooking for for a week. And we''re supposed to be soooooo excited to go
Too bad I have to work
But To make my point... It is unfortunate when this happens, but you can''t let that affect you and SO. Me and my SO are still perfectly happy, and he understands my side and has presented it to Uncle and dropped it thereafter. The ball is in Uncle''s court, and that''s fine with me. If they go on having a great relationship despite me and Uncle not getting along... that is WONDERFUL because I want them to get along. I just don''t feel like having the riches shoved in my face, and then being made to feel guilty.
But the real reason I don''t get along with this man is because he knocks everyone down and makes them feel terrible. He chooses to "help" others, but then acts like those people owe him. He did this with us, and my SO and I didn''t give them their Christmas gift until after Christmas due to conflicting dates... and the guy basically came over while SO was gone and called us ungrateful, and said that we were so rude, we didn''t even call them on Christmas, or send a Christmas card or buy a gift. Now.... this isn''t MY responsibility, but he felt a need to make me feel like a complete jerk, and I hadn''t done anything wrong!!! Not too long after, he tried to give the Christmas gift that SO''s mom got him BACK TO HER! Saying it wasn''t what he had wanted
Since then I have explained to my SO that I understand this man is like a second father to him, and I don''t mind that, and I want them to remain close, but that until I receive an apology for the way Uncle treated me, I won''t be socializing with him besides at family gatherings. I don''t call, I don''t talk to them online, and I don''t go to visit specifically them.
They''ve since invited us to their NEW house in the keys, wanting SO''s mom to go cook for not only this small group of family, but the wife''s family as well.... that''s 10 people she''d be cooking for for a week. And we''re supposed to be soooooo excited to go
Too bad I have to work
But To make my point... It is unfortunate when this happens, but you can''t let that affect you and SO. Me and my SO are still perfectly happy, and he understands my side and has presented it to Uncle and dropped it thereafter. The ball is in Uncle''s court, and that''s fine with me. If they go on having a great relationship despite me and Uncle not getting along... that is WONDERFUL because I want them to get along. I just don''t feel like having the riches shoved in my face, and then being made to feel guilty.
Anna0499
Brilliant_Rock
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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful answers, I really appreciate it & it''s good to know some of you have experienced or know people who have experienced a similar situation. I agree with all of you that I am a 25 year old adult & it is my choice to be or not to be w/my BF & I also feel encouraged by the fact that all of you understood the difficulty of my predicament because parents are a whole different ballgame.
My BF has tried to work things out with her (i.e. sending her lunch at work, coming to church with me, etc.) but she is unwaivering & stubborn in her opinion. I think a part of her thinks that, because I am going to be a lawyer, I should marry someone with some sort of "professional" career. I think a lot of parents her age probably feel that way & I hope when I am a parent I don''t but I couldn''t care less what someone does for a living as long as it''s honest. I guess she will have to break down some time or our wedding will be truly lacking! Oh well, TBD I guess, thanks again for your input & I will keep you updated!
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