Kinda Depressing

[Jengee]

Hi there,

New to Pricescope, and just found this forum, which describes me to a tee. Does anyone get depressed when reading about all of these girls who are all in the same predicament? Dating for years, and just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for that ring. I've been with my guy for 5 years. We've gone ring shopping twice, and we talk about getting married, but for the love of god, what is he waiting for? Valentine's Day and my birthday are coming up (2 days apart), but I'm almost positive it will not happen then. We've had several talks, with me almost in tears, about what the hold up is. He just keeps saying, he'll do it when the time is right. I just keep thinking, if he hasn't done it yet, will he ever? It's been 5 years, and he still hasn't proposed. It makes me think he doesn't want to marry me. How much longer do i wait until i make some serious decisions about the future of our relationship? I'm sorry to bring anyone else down, but i would love some advice from people who can view my situation objectively and in an unbiased way.

Thanks girls.

 

[amc80]

Welcome!

How old are you guys? Do you live together?

 

[Jengee]

I'm 27 and he's 29, and yes, we live together. We've been living together for 1.5 years now.

 

[swingirl]

Yep, lots of ladies who are in a comfortable, shared-expenses, shared-living, long-term relationship often wonder the same thing. It seems like some guys think living together equals commitment. So why bother with the piece of paper.

 

[amc80]

Before you moved in together was there any talk about marriage? In other words, did you two discuss living together as a step towards marriage, or as just a step?

 

[slg47]

Hi there,

New to Pricescope, and just found this forum, which describes me to a tee. Does anyone get depressed when reading about all of these girls who are all in the same predicament? Dating for years, and just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for that ring. I've been with my guy for 5 years. We've gone ring shopping twice, and we talk about getting married, but for the love of god, what is he waiting for? Valentine's Day and my birthday are coming up (2 days apart), but I'm almost positive it will not happen then. We've had several talks, with me almost in tears, about what the hold up is. He just keeps saying, he'll do it when the time is right. I just keep thinking, if he hasn't done it yet, will he ever? It's been 5 years, and he still hasn't proposed. It makes me think he doesn't want to marry me. How much longer do i wait until i make some serious decisions about the future of our relationship? I'm sorry to bring anyone else down, but i would love some advice from people who can view my situation objectively and in an unbiased way.

Thanks girls.

OK, I would just talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. I hate the idea of 'deadlines' but honestly you need to know if he is on the same page. If he doesn't want to get married to you, but he's happy living together...and you're not...then that's not going to work out. I wouldn't threaten him or nag him but just have an honest conversation, maybe he really is waiting or maybe he doesn't want to get married. If he doesn't want to get married, then I suggest you move out.

My FI and I definitely saw living together as a step towards marriage, and we started ring shopping after living together for ~6 months, but everyone has different ideas of when the time is right

 

[metatrix]

Maybe try asking him how old he wants to be when he gets married, then subtract 1-2 years for an engagement. Sometimes working backward in that way can help put things into perspective for people. Or, if he wants children, work backward from that time point. Although, if he's not thinking about kids, that could just freak him out more.

 

[kurtwoodfork]

i second the idea of asking him when he thought was a good age to get married. so to share my own story,

i'm finally engaged after a long 7 year relationship. but about two years ago, i asked him that question (because I was SO ready to commit) and he said oh, i don't know. 31? (i'm 25 right now). i said in a "WHAT-did-you-just-say? unbelievable!" tone,

"31???" ..you DO realize we would have "gone out/dated" for more than 11 years by then?"

he REALLY hadn't thought about it in that sense. he had literally only thought about what would be a good age for marriage.

after this, i told him as much as i love him, i need to know whether his future plans includes me as a wife, and i need to hear a straight answer within the next two years. (which I had forgotten about since then.. actually) i did not mean "proposal in the next two years or else", but rather just a confirmation, "yes, I do want to marry you sometime in the future". ...well i guess in a sense that is a proposal, maybe i should say, a 'verbal' commitment was what i was looking for. not a ring. ring is just icing on a cake.

after that, i just left him alone. i felt that i made it really clear this is something really really important to me. i distracted myself with work ( and i had lots to do anyways) but i think this conversation we've had + some of our other friends getting married may have started the ball rolling in his head. i don't think the "deadline" pushed him along to the final engagement decision, but rather, just pushed him enough to realize this is important to me, and to get him to see my dilemma and my perspective on the issue.

i'm happy to say that last august he told me that he was looking for the perfect ring for me because he was ready to make that leap of faith with me to our new life, and on christmas i was engaged. we had been dating for 7 years and 2 months.

 

[metatrix]

i second the idea of asking him when he thought was a good age to get married. so to share my own story,

i'm finally engaged after a long 7 year relationship. but about two years ago, i asked him that question (because I was SO ready to commit) and he said oh, i don't know. 31? (i'm 25 right now). i said in a "WHAT-did-you-just-say? unbelievable!" tone,

"31???" ..you DO realize we would have "gone out/dated" for more than 11 years by then?"

Congrats on the engagement!

With my bf it was the opposite. I asked him how old he wanted to be when he got married, and he said he had always wanted to be married by the time he was 30 years old. And I said 'you do realize you'll be 30 in less than 3 years, so you don't have much time left'. He got this really hilarious 'oh crap' look on his face and it's like in that very instant he finally realized that he was in his late twenties, and that 30 was just around the corner. It's like he suddenly realized that he's no spring chicken anymore.

A lot of guys (mine included), have a tendency to feel like they are still in their early twenties and have all the time in the world. Hell, my bf says he still feels like he's 16 sometimes. It's like they genuinely forget how old they really are. Dating a younger woman helps support that delusion. My bf has been out of school for years now, but says he feels like a university student simply because he's living with one.

 

[diva rose]

Yep, lots of ladies who are in a comfortable, shared-expenses, shared-living, long-term relationship often wonder the same thing. It seems like some guys think living together equals commitment. So why bother with the piece of paper.

Sadly, I am going to have to agree with Swingirl here.
Jenjee - At 29 - the guy is old enough to know where he is in life. In addition you have been together for 5 years.
I strongly recommend you follow what SLg47 suggested. Talk to him about it.

My other suggestion is - live apart. You know what it's like to live together - so perhaps now you can live apart. It doesn't mean you should break up with him but just live your OWN life. The reason why I'm all for this is because some women tend to place their partner's needs above their own when they live together. Soon the women start neglecting their own needs. I really don't think this is healthy for ladies waiting for a man to propose.

Please focus on your needs first.
Enjoy your own space while it lasts before you get married.
You have plenty of time to live together - for the rest of your lives.

If you plan on living apart - let him know why. Please don't go saying something like - because you didn't propose and I want to get married etc. You'd be amazed how different methods of presenting an information/wording etc can make.

I'd suggest something along the lines - "I feel like I'm taking a role of a wife when we live together. It's hard for me because I start neglecting my needs. I love you and I love being with you. However I would like to live together again when the time is right."

 

[pinkstars]

Can I just say that I completely relate?
It kind of sounds like you're close or at least getting close. All I've gotten out of my BF(in relation to specifically getting married) is that he isn't ready.
I guess I just have a hard time understanding not being ready when you can see having a future together(children, moving, getting old and crazy.) Especially when you hear that stuff about "When he wants to marry you, nothing will get in his way." Or things like that, nothing makes me feel more insecure than that. I see/hear things like that and want to cry since I'd be willing to marry him in an instant and he obviously isn't in any rush to be my husband.


Uh..Yea. But seriously, you've gone ring shopping, and he's said it's going to happen. So unless you let him know that you want it done by a specific time, I'm not sure that you have too much to worry about. I really hope this happens soon for you!

 

[Jengee]

Ladies,

Thank you so much for the advice/support. If I could do it all over again, I would live apart until we get engaged. Unfortunately, I had finances in mind when moving in together, and living alone in the city that I'm in can be really difficult, financially. I just need to sit him down and talk to him about it. All our past conversations about this have been very emotional and I really think he just says whatever he can to calm me down. I've asked him how old he wants to be when he gets married, and his answer every time is: "I don't understand why we have to put a timeline on things". I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I really think suggesting living apart will definitely help me. Diva Rose, you hit it on the head. Being the "wife" without actually being a wife is really what is getting to me. I need to put my needs first. Thank you so much everyone!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Jengee, you say you moved in together for financial purposes. I'm assuming there wasn't a marriage timeline in place before moving in together?

I think living together is fantastic, so long as you are both moving toward the same goal. Otherwise, it's a recipe for disappointment. And yes, it is depressing watching women in this situation because it happens all the time. Woman moves in with man expecting that it means proposal is coming soon. Woman is disappointed. Woman stays in relationship that isn't meeting her needs because you just can't put an expiration date on "love".

I don't believe in ultimatums, it's a glaring sign of an unhealthy relationship full of resentment. I also don't believe in a woman waiting around for a man to determine her own future because that is a glaring sign of low self-esteem. It's a fine line between the two, though, when one person is ready and the other isn't. In a mature relationship, each person respects the other and they find a way to meet each other's needs. The majority of the time, this is exactly what happens.

So, I would absolutely talk with him about how you're feeling. Not in a confrontational, you'd-better-marry-me-or-else way, but an I-love-you-and-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you way. Your wanting to get married comes from a place of love, not frustration. It makes a huge difference. He'll likely respond positively because he wants you to be happy. If he feels "pressured" or skirts around the issue...well, then you have a problem on your hands.

For the record, my relationship was in the "unhealthy" bucket...we did have a timeline in place and he just wasn't ready when the time came around. It took me awhile to become ready to leave and I set a couple of internal deadlines, but once I left I sort of hated myself for sticking around as long as I did. It made me feel weak and needy, and I'm neither of those things. So I think part of the reason I get depressed when seeing women waiting around is because I was in the same position.

 

[HaloBelle]

It's like he suddenly realized that he's no spring chicken anymore.

hahahaaa. LOVE IT. MY BO and I have a great timeline that fits us both and we are very open about communication like this but he had a small realization like the one you are talking about when we actually talked in terms of years and months. We discussed when we wanted to get married (about the same time) and I told him that left 3 years and I wanted a 12-18 month engagement - he replied "well, I guess its a good thing I think about this as often as you do and I should get started." (faint....lol)

In reply to your OP, no - I don't find it depressing. Odd that I dont, but no it is not depressing (for me). When people I know personally, IRL get engaged, it is slightly depressing in the 'I've been dating my SO longer than you have known each other, le sigh' kind of way.

But here, it is like one of us patiently waiting ladies wins. You know, like when the nice guy doesn't actually finish last but gets the girl instead? A little victory for us all.

 

[amc80]

Woman moves in with man expecting that it means proposal is coming soon. Woman is disappointed. Woman stays in relationship that isn't meeting her needs because you just can't put an expiration date on "love".

The other issue that I had was I didn't want to admit that I had wasted all that time. I mean I had a plan and I was (gasp) in my late 20s! I didn't want to be single again and have to start over in a new relationship. I had been with my bf for almost three years when we broke up. Thank God he pulled the trigger, I don't think I would have had the guts to do so.

 

[swingirl]

Ladies,

Thank you so much for the advice/support. If I could do it all over again, I would live apart until we get engaged. Unfortunately, I had finances in mind when moving in together, and living alone in the city that I'm in can be really difficult, financially. I just need to sit him down and talk to him about it. All our past conversations about this have been very emotional and I really think he just says whatever he can to calm me down. I've asked him how old he wants to be when he gets married, and his answer every time is: "I don't understand why we have to put a timeline on things". I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I really think suggesting living apart will definitely help me. Diva Rose, you hit it on the head. Being the "wife" without actually being a wife is really what is getting to me. I need to put my needs first. Thank you so much everyone!

You moved in for convenience and now things have changed and you want to be married.
For him, it's still about convenience.

 

[diva rose]

Jengee ~ I am so glad we're helping you here!

Living apart will not hurt your relationship if he is the one for you.
If anything - it will help you place your needs first and be in a better state.

If he loves you and wants to marry you - he'll miss you more. In fact, he will actually appreicate you and the time you share together.
Heck, it might even bring back the romance!

All the best and please keep us updated.

 

[sillyberry]

I don't believe in ultimatums, it's a glaring sign of an unhealthy relationship full of resentment. I also don't believe in a woman waiting around for a man to determine her own future because that is a glaring sign of low self-esteem. It's a fine line between the two, though, when one person is ready and the other isn't.

If LIW could have an official quote for all the moments of crisis (I had a few myself), I really think this would be it. Just sums it all up perfectly.

 

[Envyme]

Yep, lots of ladies who are in a comfortable, shared-expenses, shared-living, long-term relationship often wonder the same thing. It seems like some guys think living together equals commitment. So why bother with the piece of paper.

YES, this to a T! I have been with my bf 7 yrs this March!! We live together & we have for a long time. I think this has been the hold up for so long...Finally in Dec he said I could start looking for my ring It unfortunately didn't have the same effect that it would have if it came 3 or 4 yrs prior along with a surprise proposal but I'll take what I can get!

We have my diamond on layaway right now and I should have it in the next few months TOPS! There will be no discussion of "when can I wear it" LOL bc it has been discreetly made clear that as soon as it's paid off it's on my FINGER!! I know that's what he expected as well. I should have it by our 7 yr anniversary so I can wear it that day But, until it's on my pretty little finger I am still in the waiting!

It does get frustrating when you have been with someone for sooo long and no ring. I think he started to realize that this was getting a wee bit out of hand - 7 yrs and no ring?! I had so many friends on FB that I would see come and go with relationship status changed to "engaged", "married" - expecting a child after only a few yrs & sometimes less. I was starting to give up But, such is life & your day will come too. Just know you aren't alone! I am right there with ya!

ETA: I re-read this post and I wanted to add a few things. Each individual relationship is VERY different! No 2 are alike. It would take me a yr to go into all the details of the relationship. With that said, one of the main reasons we did not move forward with getting engaged is finances. He wanted to be "set" and have a place of our own and be debt free. He felt unworthy of asking me to marry him bc lack of $$$. My issue was that I love you regardless of how much or how little $$ you have. I want to be with you for the rest of my life...for Richer or for Poorer. I think he finally realized that life is going to pass him by and money isn't everything. We already agree that we won't marry until we have our own place and finances in order...but to me the ring symbolized that he was/is ready to Marry ME!