Knock Down Drag Out…

[njc]

That’s pretty much what it was last night between FI and I.

I was on the phone with my mom telling her all the things I had done for the wedding the past couple days and she the same. She asked me if FI had his guest list ready (for like the 20th time) and so for the 20th time I asked him, have you finished your guest list? He answered no and made the hand gesture of talking (moving your fingers up and down on your thumb), made a nasty face at me, and commenting on how much I’ve nagged him about this and that he has it under control.

It was the straw that broke the camels back… I told my mom I would have to call her back, and I fully admit to fault, I cussed him out right then and there. I was the one that lost my cool, but for the past 2 months its been building up and it just finally all came out last night.

We are getting married August 6th. That’s in 6 weeks and 2 days. The invitations have been out for almost 2 weeks. He said doesn’t care if his friends don’t get invitations, he says hes already told them they are invited and that’s all they need to know. Its his business and I need to stay out of it. I’m glad we spent the money on invitations then.

He just ordered his wedding band Monday night. We had to pay extra to put a rush on it to make sure it would get here on time. Because we have all the money in the world right now after buying our townhouse…

He refuses to pick out and get fitted for his tux until the week of the wedding. Never mind there are 5 other people (all over the east coast) that need to know what tux to get or how much its going to cost or how they are getting it. Because he doesn’t care, they shouldn’t care either.

No groomsmen presents and not even an idea of what to get them.

He still needs to ask one of his cousins to be an usher and that we would like for him to wear a dark suit if possible. But I guess FI can tell him that at the rehearsal dinner.

I found a London Taxi that I thought would be really cool to ride in to the reception. FI doesn’t like it, so I asked him what he would like. His response: anything but a limo. There is nothing else BUT limos at this point in the game. I asked him to find something else he DID like… “I’ll do it later.”

We need to pick out ceremony music, so the organist can start practicing.

We need to pick out dance songs (first, mother/son, father/daughter, etc), so the band can start practicing.

The list goes on and on and on of things HE/we need to get done. Ive honestly taken all I can take. Before we went to bed, I did apologize for getting so upset, but tried to get him to understand that his lack of getting things done is impacting other people and REALLY stressing me out. I explained that I’m to the point now where I don’t want to ask him any more about the wedding because all he says is, “I’ll do it later,” and those days are quickly running out. I even try and do all the leg work so all he has to do is pick, like with the ceremony music. I made a list of songs I thought would be nice, so he would just have to listen to those few.. I asked him to listen Sunday afternoon and he said, “I’ll do it later, I''ve got to do some things” and proceeded to play video games for the next 5 hours.

I really don’t know what to do. I am at the end of my rope. He thinks I’m full of crap and pulling things out my a$$ for him to “suddenly” do. IVE BEEN ASKING HIM TO DO THIS STUFF FOR 3 MONTHS!!!! Screaming at him didn’t work (hee hee

) and he cant seem to understand why things are stressing me out. I’m still so upset from last night, I could break out into tears again at any moment... I cant breathe.

Sorry this was a long and miserable rant. I just want to know honestly... am I being THAT unreasonable?!?!?

 

[Erin]

No you''re not being totally irrational - however last minute bridezilla can happen to anyone. How old is he? It''s like you''re his mom tellling him to clean his room and he''ll do it later because he''s almost made it to the 14th level on whatever game.

Is it because he procrastinates about anything when he doesn''t feel like it or is he acting this way only with the recent wedding details? That would be my first question.

If he''s always like this about important stuff well, you know this about him and he won''t change overnight.

If he''s seldom like this, then I''d ask what is it about the upcoming wedding details that don''t seem important or time sensitive?

 

[Rube]

How stressful! I know you must feel in a crunch...

Is there any way you can set aside a day (probably a weekend day) to walk him through all his "chores"?

I know you shouldn''t have to make sure he gets fitted for a tux, etc., but it would take a lot of the stress off you to have it done. Tell him he''s going to want to play video games the weekend before the wedding too but won''t be able to if he still has errands. He''ll definitly want to hang out more the closer it gets- not rush around.

If this logic works on him, that will force him into getting the list crossed off, and he should be able to realise how much better he feels afterward. I''m also a procrastinator (i.e. I hate making phone calls, yet I had to make hotel reservations for our guests, call the ceremony site, find someone to marry us, contact the restaurant where we''re having our reception.... the list goes on) but once I got things done I felt RELIEF.

Good luck!

 

[aljdewey]

Oh, dear......these ARE issues. I''m sorry for your stress. Sounds like you have quite the handful going on. No, you aren''t being unreasonable at all.....but it''s time to stop the insanity. You can''t control what he''s doing, but you CAN control your response and the outcome.

I know what I''m gonna suggest is radical, but it may be a way for you to 1) stay sane and 2) get him to focus on a few things.

1. Invitations: Forget it.....if he doesn''t care that his friends don''t get them, there''s nothing you can do. Tell your mom he doesn''t want them sent, and let it go. IF his side comments after the fact about not getting invitations, you can simply tell the truth....smile and say, "I asked him for his guest list to send invites, but FI said he invited you personally and I couldn''t get a list from him." Make HIM accountable for his bad decisions.

Your only other choice is to phone his side and collect the addresses yourself.....but I personally wouldn''t do it.

2. Tuxes: You go to the tux store and pick out what YOU like. Give that information to everyone else. Tell the store that when FI gets fitted, he is to get ONLY that ensemble. If he doesn''t want to make decisions, fine. He can live with yours. The actual fitting doesn''t need to be done more than a week out anyway...and if he went to a prom, he likely knows this...hence the resistance.

3. Talk to the cousin about being an usher...phone him yourself. The cousin shouldn''t have to bear the brunt of your FI''s procrastination.

4. Pick something yourself for the groomsmen.....get them a money clip and be done with it.

5. Book the London Taxi.....if FI doesn''t like it, too bad. If he really objects, he''ll get off his behind and find an alternate solution. If he doesn''t, he lives with your choice.

6. Same with the ceremony music, dance songs, etc. Pick everything yourself, and TELL HIM "this is what I picked. If you want to add to it, call the band/organist yourself and make arrangements."

7. Breathe......and smile.

The truth is that guys don''t get off on the details of the wedding the way we do. I''m not excusing his behavior at all....but it''s the way it is. If he cared much about these things, he''d register with an opinion. If he''s not going to contribute, you can either fight with him and be miserable, or you can take charge and plan the wedding YOU envision.

For some reason, nagging doesn''t get it done. Even though they may conceptually know you''re right...it has to be done....they won''t do it expressly BECAUSE you''re telling them to.

This is how your life is going to be. He''s not gonna change, so you need to set the tone for things now. When decisions need to be made, give him the info and ask for his input.....and if he won''t address it, make the decision yourself. Much less stress.

Good luck.

 

[MINE!!]

DEEP BREATHS>> IN AND OUT>>>> DEEP BREATHS...

You are not being irrational at all. Men have a hard time understand why we get up into a ruck about these things. But this does not excuse his behavoir. When my man gets sick of hearing me fuss I finally tell him to just do it or I am not going to stop fussing. Sometimes it takes that for him to realize that he is being a bit of a jerk.

I am sorry that he is acting this way and being so childish. I know that you have a lot to plan and things are hectic.. but sit back and relax for a second. IT is will all work out and though you are frustrated.. if you get too upset it is going to just make things harder... So take a deep breath, tell yourself that you are doing a great joba nd consider talking to him like a you would deal with a child.. he may respond.. he may not... But you cannot let it stress you out.

This is supposed to be a wonderful event for you. You are a woman and you can handle it. Have faith in yourself and have faith in the man that you have decided to spend the rest of your life with. (BUT I COMPLETELY understand why you are frustrated)

Hang in there girl
****HUGS*****

 

[AChiOAlumna]

I agree with all the suggestions alj gave you. They're great suggestions and it allows you to be in control of what you were originally willing to relinquish to your FI...that being said...it'll allow you to regain control and plan for the wedding that YOU want since it seems like he doesn't care about all the details that make a wedding wonderful!

I would wonder what is causing all this procrastination on your FI's part...is he always like this? Or is it just when it comes to the wedding? Is he trying to tell you something? Whatever it is...apathy...nerves...etc...the 2 of you need to figure this out NOW.

 

[njc]

Thank you ladies so much... i really am trying to calm down about it, but it just keeps going round and round in my head.

Erin - We are both procrastinators, him much worse than me and i have learned to deal with it and charge ahead without him. With everything that needed to get done with buying our townhouse, i did it all, except sign his name at the closing. I got our credit checked, found loans, found the house, etc, etc, etc. Knowing this and his resistance to wanting to participate in wedding planning, early on i made a list with him of things he wanted to be involved in. Many decisions have been made without his input. My only request of him was to take care of the honeymoon... he booked it, but out of frustration i did all the planning and checking out of hotels. I had to walk him from restaurant to restaurant so he could pick out a rehearsal place.

I guess i am just hurt that he doesnt want to help in any way. I am surrounded by friends whose FIs are tripping over the brides to get everything done and im dragging a 160 lbs worth of 10 year old boy around with me.

Rube - i have tried to talk to him numerous times... very calmly. I try not to nag and ask the same things day after day.... i give him a couple days to get things done. I thought i actually got through to him the urgency of things this weekend as we were discussing that he will be going on 12 hours shifts for most of July and that it would be good/easier for him to get as much done in the next two weeks... i even made him a nice little list at HIS request. He is clueless to how much needs to get done and has to do nothing so far, so i dont know that anything will make him get up and get anything done.

Alj - I know my reaction last night was not the proper one, and i have taken full blame for it. Funny you say to book the taxi anyway... that is exactly what i did first thing this morning.

He had 3 weeks to come up with something else, obviously didnt care enough to really do it, so i went with what i liked. I think i need to take your advice about the invites. Luckily i got his mother to give me their family list, it is just his friends that are missing. Another thing driving me nuts is the self-need to be the proper southern lady. When i said late invitations were improper etiquette, he laughed at me and told me i was a loon. I am very tempted to pick out the GM tuxes myself, but feel it will prompt another fight when he finds out. I feel the same way about the cousin, a guy i have never met, but it may come down to it.

MINE - ive told him once he does something, ill leave him alone, but that hasnt been enough incentive i guess.

I have been able to tell myself, this will all go away with the wedding and that its just this one point in our life and i know we work great together and we will be all normal and happy again soon. Its just so annoying! Thanks again...

ETA:
For AChiO - I have talked to him about his unwillingness to help out and said that to me it feels like he doesnt want to get married at all. He assures me everytime that he wants to get married and its just that he trusts my desicions and doesnt want to help out on everything. I have tried to be very open about my concerns and feelings on all of this and with the exception of last night i kept getting, "i knows" but last night i was just "insane and PMSing."

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 6/22/2005 11:52:43 AM
Author: njc

Alj - I know my reaction last night was not the proper one, and i have taken full blame for it. Funny you say to book the taxi anyway... that is exactly what i did first thing this morning.

He had 3 weeks to come up with something else, obviously didnt care enough to really do it, so i went with what i liked. I think i need to take your advice about the invites. Luckily i got his mother to give me their family list, it is just his friends that are missing. Another thing driving me nuts is the self-need to be the proper southern lady. When i said late invitations were improper etiquette, he laughed at me and told me i was a loon. I am very tempted to pick out the GM tuxes myself, but feel it will prompt another fight when he finds out. I feel the same way about the cousin, a guy i have never met, but it may come down to it.

Oh, don''t be hard on yourself about that.....your reaction last night was TOTALLY warranted......but now, you have to figure out how to move on from here.

You mention he asked for the list.......so if you''re going to go the list route, can I make a suggestion?

Make the list, and next to each task, put a "deadline" date when each needs to be done by. Tell him that these are the dates things have to be done by, and if the deadline passes without a task being done, YOU will make the decision and complete the task yourself, and he will have to live with it.

There will then be no reason to fight about the fact that you picked out the GM tuxes or talked to the cousin. If he doesn''t get it done by the deadline date, you do it. If he squawks, reply with "You knew that it had to be done by *x* date, and you knew that if it wasn''t, I would do it myself. I''m not going to fight over it now."

 

[njc]

OOoooo... i really like that suggestion. Thank you so much. It *should* give him a little push and will justify my action in the end, should i need to take over.

I am starting to feel better about this. Thank you so much for letting me get it out.

I wrote my MOH an email about what happened last night and her reply was, "you better get your man in check." Thanks, thats great MOH advice.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 6/22/2005 11:52:43 AM
Author: njc

For AChiO - He assures me everytime that he wants to get married and its just that he trusts my desicions and doesnt want to help out on everything.

There''s your invitation to then make decisions and let him know what he''s responsible for...if he doesn''t want to make decisions, then he can''t complain about the outcome, your stress levels, or your breakdowns!! If he begins to complain, then tell him, "You only have the right to gripe if you''re involved. Since you''ve left everything up to me, then you don''t have that right!"

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 6/22/2005 12:27:01 PM
Author: AChiOAlumna

Date: 6/22/2005 11:52:43 AM
Author: njc

For AChiO - He assures me everytime that he wants to get married and its just that he trusts my desicions and doesnt want to help out on everything.

There''s your invitation to then make decisions and let him know what he''s responsible for...if he doesn''t want to make decisions, then he can''t complain about the outcome, your stress levels, or your breakdowns!! If he begins to complain, then tell him, ''You only have the right to gripe if you''re involved. Since you''ve left everything up to me, then you don''t have that right!''

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[eks6426]

Oh, sweetie--I feel for you. I think the others advice here & comments on men not being as caring about wedding details is right on. My fiance says he will take care of something--but then doesn''t do it. It annoys the heck out of me. I became Bridezella last week and he has gotten better now. Make as many of the decisions as you can and just tell him you are done. Don''t give him any more choices. If he cares enough to want to change something he can do it, but at least it is done and you can cross it off your list.

On the tux thing--are the tuxes all going to be ordered from the same store? If yes, then the style doesn''t really matter. Just have your out of town GM''s get measured and send the measurements to the store you are using. When your groom goes to get his tux the store will have all the other wedding guys on file and can just order the tuxes your GM picked. I''d call the store to get the average price of a tux and tell your GM is will be around $XYZ price give or take a little. Make sure you don''t let your groom pick a tux that is drastically over the amount you quoted the GM.

Next, you really need to get over feeling resentful. Do whatever it takes or it will poison your marriage and you don''t need that.

Maybe tell your fiance that he is paying for something just for you to relax. Book youself a massage, pedicure or whatever will make you feel pampered & less resentful.

 

[codex57]

aljdewey had great advice!

YOU WERE COMPLETELY IN THE RIGHT IN CUSSING HIM OUT! It was the hand gesture mainly that crossed the line, altho even if he didn''t do that, you could still cuss him out cuz of the timing.

Look, I''m a guy and I''m a procrastinator. I understand how he''s like. However, successful procrastinators know when to get their butt in gear. If it''s just themselves on the line, we can cut it REAL close. His problem is he''s justifying procrastinating not just for his convenience, but pushing it onto others. That gets you in trouble fast since you can only control yourself.

You''re likely gonna have a chat with him soon. Before you beat yourself up thinking about what to say to him, think about this. Your guy has some issues. You know he procrastinates. Badly. He''s likely going to do this for the rest of his life. Can you live with that? Honestly. First of all, have you told him how pressing the situation is? Does he understand? I mean, have you spelled it out for him (us guys often need things you girls consider basic to be spelled out to us). Maybe he doesn''t realize why time is of teh essence. If he does, then you''ve got a potential powder keg that''s gonna threaten to blow for the rest of your married lives. How long that is may be shorter than you think (I''m sorry, that''s kinda harsh, but sorry, that''s how guys would talk to one another). Can you live with likely having to just do everything and not give him any choice in the matter?

I really could care less about most of the wedding details. Why is that? Cuz, like most guys, it all looks the same to me. Guys don''t notice a lot of the details girls do. We can''t differentiate btw different flowers. We can''t differentiate btw different shades of a color. I can tell you I like a dress, but I''ll have no idea why I like it. Unless you''re marrying a metrosexual, you''ll prolly have better taste than the guy anyways. I rely on my fiancee''s taste a lot. I know she''d like my opinion, but I can only tell her what I like or don''t like, not why. She has better taste than me anyways so her choice is gonna be better anyways. If she can''t decide, then it makes sense to ask me which one I like more.

Do what you can. Pick out his tux, and let the store know he can''t change it cuz everything''s been planned out around that style combo. Book that taxi thing. He said anything other than a limo so you got his imput.

The hard stuff to deal with is stuff involving other people. The guest list is the biggest problem. Do you at least have the people''s e-mail or phone numbers? I''d try and figure out who''s coming. If you have e-mail, send a mass e-mail askign if they''re coming and letting them know the details. Apologize and say, "I''m sorry we have to invite you by e-mail, but [insert fiance''s name here] won''t fill out his guest list for us to invite you properly." Yes, that''s mean. But, what harm does it do? His friends likely won''t be insulted. They get their advanced notice (somewhat... getting late already) and they know why it''s by e-mail instead of on paper. The guys will just laugh at him and not be insulted at all. They know him so they know it''s cuz he procrastinated too much. His female friends likely will sympathize with you and since they''re his friends, will know how he''s like too. Make them know the blame falls on him.

No e-mail? Try and phone one. Let them know, and ask them to pass the word. Call back a week later and find out who he contacted. No response? Guess what, tell your future hubby they''re not coming cuz the cateror needs to know a number and since they''re not on the list, they''re not coming.

 

[glaucomflecken]

OMG njc I think our fiances are related!

 

[snow_happy]

Hi njc,

I completely understand your desire to have him involved and participate (even minimally!)...however, since you''ve had experience with him before in his procrastination and the like then I don''t think you are going to get an enthusiastic response from him no matter what you scream or say to him. Sure ideally you two could plan things together, pick out china and frolick through a field of daisies....but you''ve already said that''s not who he is. Sounds to me like he would be happy getting married in a barn as long as he gets to spend his life with you.... so to him the details of the day are not important since you two will be together in the end no matter what the wedding is like. I think your blow-up is totally normal and just a case of wedding-stress but remember that you know your fiancee well enough to know what to expect and not expect from him. Even if you have to plan the whole day yourself I''m SURE he will have a great time.

Good luck!

 

[njc]

Oh my... what a difference a day makes! I''m still stressed, but i dont have the added stress of worrying about going to jail for assault!

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions and advice and support. It really has helped.

I made up another list of things for FI to do, and as Alj suggested, i added dates to them. I explained that he had until that date to get whatever done, and then after that, he had no choice, i was picking/making the decision. He has promised to have his guest list to me by tomorrow (friday). He has until Sunday to talk to the cousin. The taxi is a dead issue... its booked. He had his chance to find/suggestion something else, but he played video games instead.

And the major accomplishment of the night.... WE HAVE TUXES! After our little talk, FI said lets go, so we did. The woman who helped us gave a deadline (thank goodness! Funny how im not the only one that thinks things need to be ahead of time...) for everyone to be fitted, which is exactly one month (July 23rd). FI said, "see, they have plenty of time to get it done." Me: "yes they do, but only because you came today and until you tell them about it, it doesnt matter how much time there is!"

codex - you were exactly right about the hand gesture... that is really what set me off, not the nagging comment! And as far as procrastination goes, im right there with you too. If its just you, you can put it off as long as possible (we wont go into how many all-nighters i pulled while in school), but when it drags others down, that is just wrong and a large part of why i was so upset.

Punch - Dont they just drive you nuts! You have a little distance between you though, which i think helps... i have to see him everyday! PM me if you need to vent!

 

[Buena Girl]

njc - whoa, what a day!! I know I am a little late on this thread, but I wanted to say that I also think that ajd gave some great advice. I''m glad to hear that her ideas are working so well for your so far!!!

 

[snow_happy]

njc,

Sounds like the wheels are back in motion! FABULOUS!!

 

[Layne]

I hear you sister. You are not being unreasonable.

I haven''t read all the responses but this is what I did with my husband.

He and I made the guest list together but he was in charge of getting addresses for people I didn''t know. He still didn''t have them when the invites went out. If he didn''t get them, they didn''t get an invite. Since we had to have a solid # for our caterer and make place cards, if they didn''t get an invite, they were not invted. The end. Not my fault, I don''t know some of his old friends and I''m not going to call them and get their addresses.

Does he care what the tux looks like? If not pick one and tell the others what you picked. They can get measured with out knowing the style- maybe you can give them a price range?

I would go ahead and book the car- I didn''t and we didn''t have one. Perfect, right? It wasn''t really that big of a deal in the end.

Pick the ceremony and dance music yourself.

I put it to him this way several times, "We have to pick this and let the vendor know immediatly. These are our 3 options (limit the choices). I like this X. If you don''t have a strong preference for one of the others I''m going to let them know we will go with X.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[ame]

Welcome to your first of several stupid fights that really do have merit.

I had this issue with Ryan and I think the bigger war was actually that he didn''t wnt to follow up on RSVPs.

 

[aljdewey]

Hehehehehe - glad it worked, NJC! Keep this experience in mind for future use, also. Guys are very linear....most of them don''t respond to "this is SO important, and blah blah blah" like we do.....they respond to deadlines and matter-of-fact: this needs to be done by *x* date.

It really throws them off balance when, instead of nagging and having histrionics, we are calm and matter-of-fact. As you can see, they realize "ok, this must need to happen." LOOK - he actually went out the got the tuxes done. HEE HEE.....too funny!

Good luck, and keep taking deep breaths!

 

[njc]

I dont want to jinx it, but things keep moving along...

Last night we were able to discuss ceremony music and first dance songs. I think he enjoyed it (although he would completly deny if you asked him). Once i told him i had been thinking of Beatle songs (his fav band) for our dance, he jumped up off the sofa and started pouring through his albums! That is the reaction i have been waiting for all along, and im SO happy that there is finally something he is excited about.

I havent mentioned his guest list, but will today since its "due". Cousin needs to be called by Sunday. Email to GMs needs to be sent by Sunday.

Layne - thank you for sharing your experience. Whoever is not on his guest list by today will just not get an invite.

Ame - thanks... i cant wait!

Thank you again to everyone... PS to the rescue!!!

 

[eks6426]

well, my fiance and I had it out last night over him not doing the things on his list. He had only 3 things that he was supposed to handle--making maps, picking music & writing the things we were going to say to our kids. We had a big fight last week and he at least got part of the music picked...but then nothing. His family is all familiar with the city where we are getting married--none of my family or friends have been there so I don''t think maps were all that important to him. My friends & family have been calling nearly daily asking for maps--they think I forgot to send them. My wedding is in about a week--July 3. It is just so frustrating because he has known he needed to do these things since MARCH. I really don''t understand why it couldn''t have gotten done in 4 months.....grrr. I guess I blew up enough that I got my fiance moving. When I got back to my house last night after our fight & my 2 hour hair appointment he had left the finished maps on my doorstep...He didn''t think people needed those maps in their hands until the day before our wedding so we could have mailed them next Thursday according to him.....Don''t even get me started on the ceremony stuff. He was supposed to do the whole thing. He kept lagging so I researched bible verses & readings....all that is left is writing something for our kids......But he thinks we can just write it up and hand it to the minister at our rehearsal....I''m think the minister might like to see it so he can make HIS plans....

 

[njc]

OH! Im so sorry that happened... i cant even begin to imagine the stress you must be under with just a week to go--at least you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Ive still got a few to go crazy, crazy crazy!!!

The WORST is people asking about something, like the maps (or in my case tuxes and the guest list). And of course they dont ask him, they ask you and all you can say is, "FI is working on it!" and in the back of your mind you start forming incoherent strings of cuss words and your teeth start grinding and your fists ball up with your nails digging into the palms of your hands, but you still somehow get a smile on your face...

And why does anyone need anything before the wedding? Thats just silly to plan and to know times and directions and the order of events... BEFORE HAND... just silly i tell you! Oh, and add having your wedding date inscribed in your wedding band another CrAzY idea...

 

[eks6426]

njc--yep, you & I share the same issues. I was at my hair salon last night getting my hair highlights done for the wedding and my stylist''s husband had an interesting observation. He said that women are like cats--they plan everything they''re going to do. They know how long it takes & when they should start. Then he said that men are like dogs--they might start on the path to get some task done....but pretty soon get distracted...just like a dog that is outside & follows the intersesting smells. I thought it was an interesting analogy...but this kitty cat is not purring right now---I''m thinking I''m about to become a TIGER or a LION if this stuff doesn''t get done.....