Lacking communication

[meresal]

Long rant, I just really need advice...

FYI, this has nothing to do with a man, well, in my life at least...

Some background: I moved to Houston almost 8 months ago, leaving all of my best friends behind. 2 of them have visited, a weekend last sept., and we exchange e-mails everyday. The other bf has not, and she gives no inclination that she ever will. She is not friends with the others, by the way. She''''s the Manager for a retail store so I understand that she works weekends, however every chance she has had a weekend off(at least 5 or 6 the last 9 months), she has used it to visit one boyfriend or another, all over the the US and back. This also went on while I lived there in DFW... it was all about fly away for the weekend to meet up with someone she "just new" she would like, bc "IT" was something different... all of them have had something different. For example, my birthday a year ago none of my friends brought their boyfriends, but she just had to bring this GREAT guy with, that she decided she didn''''t like the next day. I could go on forever...
Well she dated a guy that had a great job, good looking, and a complete A** hole. They faught all the time and broke up over a yr ago. Well, about 3 months ago they decided to give it another try... surprise, surprise, still a jerk. He was ignoring her, so she supposedly broke up with him, but she still tells me that she talks to him, bc I don''''t think she has anyone else to talk to about him. I''''m the only one that really knew him of her other friends. I''''m not even sure that they aren''''t still dating, she''''s probably lying to me.

I am to the point where I roll my eyes everytime she calls or text messages me. It''''s never, how are you doing? or how''''s the NEW job (that I really like)? or how are you and chris? It is ALWAYS... "he" is such a jerk", or "you wouldn''''t believe the guy I met", or "you remember, ????, well he called last night or he''''s back in town". I just can''''t understand it, and I can''''t believe that someone could just be so oblivious to the fact that she is really hurting me. I have been short with her "texts" recently and I now think that she is ignoring me. I lost my phone 2 days ago, and I e-mailed her yesterday, and she has yet to return it with her phone number.

Now to the other issue, other than the fact that I don''''t think she cares about me... I''''m going to be getting engaged soon, and she would have been my MOH. Well, everytime I talk to her she brings up the idea of moving somewhere else (out of state), or going back to France for a year or so. I don''''t know what to do. I can''''t imagine not asking her, but I don''''t want a MOH half way across the US, that can''''t even make a weekend trip 3 hrs away. I don''''t even think she is going to be excited when I tell her... I''''m having nightmares that she is going to make it all about her, and how SHE''''LL never be that happy.

She''''s 22 and very pretty. Yet she believes she is never going to find another guy. I just can''''t wrap my mind around it. It''''s someone different each week, and everytime she and the "jerk" break up, she goes back to her fli-o-fax and calls up every guy she dated since the last time they went out. She thinks I''''m stupid bc she says "Ohh you won''''t believe who called me, and we met up for lunch." or "you won''''t beleive who emailed me this afternoon"... I''''m not an idiot!! It''''s a vicious cycle, and I just don''''t know what to do?

I have to stop now, but i''''m sure I''''ll add later. I don''''t ever have a problem bringing things up to Chris, so why is it so freaking hard with my friends?!?!? I''''m scared if I''''m honest with her, I''''ll lose one of my best friends... I just want her to realize that friendships work both ways, you have to be a listener sometimes too.

 

[joflier]

It sounds like there''s alot of bitterness with this friendship....at least on your end. And from the sounds of it, its not unwarranted. I guess, my thought is this, don''t just ask her to be your moh just out of obligation. Do it because she (this particular friend, or another) is truely your nearest and dearest. Someone that will be there for you through the whole wedding planning process, and who will share in your joy, not take away from it (whether she means to or not). But with deep friendships, you really need to look into your heart, and do what you feel is best. What will make you happiest? Who will help you keep your sanity through all the wedding maddness? (good maddness though

) What does fiance feel about all this?

 

[QOTDR]

Only you can decide of you want her as your MOH, but personally, I would keep her out of the bridal party. I say this only because members of the bridal party need to be involved with the planning and if she can''t be bothered to visit you, then she really isn''t invested. I would invite her if you want and perhaps have her have a minor role in the ceremony that can be culled out if she no shows on you. I''ve known girls like her as well, and they are difficult in the best of times. However, she is still really young and sounds emotionally immature as well. I wonder though, is she really flying all over to see guys or using it as an excuse because she doesn''t have the funds to go see you?? Good luck!

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:35:37 PM
Author: joflier
It sounds like there''s alot of bitterness with this friendship....at least on your end. And from the sounds of it, its not unwarranted. I guess, my thought is this, don''t just ask her to be your moh just out of obligation. Do it because she (this particular friend, or another) is truely your nearest and dearest. Someone that will be there for you through the whole wedding planning process, and who will share in your joy, not take away from it (whether she means to or not). But with deep friendships, you really need to look into your heart, and do what you feel is best. What will make you happiest? Who will help you keep your sanity through all the wedding maddness? (good maddness though

) What does fiance feel about all this?

Thank you so much for your reply. I''m usually a very stable person, but when it comes to her it''s like I turn into a high-schooler again, with all the drama. Hmm, makes me happiest and keeps my sanity... if this is the case then Chris would be my MOH and my fiance. Funny as it sounds, he''s here for me everytime I need him

. Can I just not have a MOH? Anyone ever tried?

 

[somethingshiny]

I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand. My best friend all through high school and after is the same type of person. She''s much more interested in everything that has to do with her and would swim miles to see some guy before she''d so much as drive 45 minutes to see me. It does hurt, however I''ve gotten over it. I do still speak with her, although not often (her part not mine). I still hold great hopes that when she "grows up" we''ll be close again. 90% of my memories as a teen and young adult have her in them, so it''s very hard to sever ties. I don''t waste enormous energies with it anymore but I will continue to have this sort of *friendship* with her until she changes. Call me a glutton, but it is what it is.

Good Luck figuring out what to do


It would be easier if it was a guy....

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:43:57 PM
Author: QOTDR
Only you can decide of you want her as your MOH, but personally, I would keep her out of the bridal party. I say this only because members of the bridal party need to be involved with the planning and if she can''t be bothered to visit you, then she really isn''t invested. I would invite her if you want and perhaps have her have a minor role in the ceremony that can be culled out if she no shows on you. I''ve known girls like her as well, and they are difficult in the best of times. However, she is still really young and sounds emotionally immature as well. I wonder though, is she really flying all over to see guys or using it as an excuse because she doesn''t have the funds to go see you?? Good luck!

She is definitaly flying around to see these guys... LA, Columbus, and Denver for a skiing trip a few weeks ago were the furthest, however there was a weekend trip or 2 to Austin, also with a guy. She is young, and if you want to believe it, she was engaged at 19, and miraculously decided that she wasn''t ready and he wasn''t the right guy... which is what I think makes her thinnk she will never find someone. She wants to be back at that place again, but she doesn''t want to wait for the right guy now that she''s older. I have never been in that situation so I can''t relate, but if you were strong enough to walk away once, why would you force yourself into something like that again, just to be married?

 

[curiopotter]

I''ve specifically thought about the same exact thing you have. My best friend, the girl I''ve known since first grade, who we''ve shared everything and talked about everything together, is also the flakiest person I know. We both live in the same city, but she''s an emotional rollercoaster, and everytime I try to get with her to have a ''girls day'' she flakes out, or has major phone drama with her live in boyfriend and father of her 6 year old.

For example: She invited me to a concert, then supposedly her boyfriend lost her cell phone and she couldn''t call me the night of the concert to tell me she wasn''t going. So there I am, waiting in a creepy parking lot, wondering where she is and why she''s not answering the 20+ phone messages I left. She didn''t call me for 3 months, and the first words out of her mouth weren''t "I''m sorry." They were some lame excuse about how her cell got lost at Walmart, and some gossip about her boyfirend''s family. When she finally caught on that I was pissed, she apologized, but followed it up by blaming him again. She lies a lot, since we were kids, so I can never really believe anything she says. She was diagosed with bipolar disorder when she was a teenager, but her psychiatrist told her last year it was a misdiagnosis, and has similar but different problems.

When she calls, this is how it goes: "Hey, how are you?-OMG I hate work, my grandmother''s driving me nuts-Did I tell you about what happened this weekend?-OMG..." There''s no pause! No time for me to answer! It''s insane. The only reason I''ve kept speaking to her is because I''ve just accepted that she''s always going to be like that. When we acutally have two-sided conversations, they''re good, and we laugh and it''s great. But I''ve just accepted the fact that if I want to keep her as a friend, I''m going to have to accept her and her enormous flaws.

My wedding is going to be strange. I have 2 cousins that will be bridesmaids, who live in Puerto Rico and who honestly, I barely know. They''re flying in the day before the wedding. Then my best friend (the girl above) is going to be my MOH, and my other best friend who''se going to fly back early from her cousin''s graduation in Colorado on the DAY of the wedding.

I hesitated so much before picking her, but I''ve known her for 20 years, and I''m scared to hurt her feelings. The only advantage to this is that I have plenty of people who will be willing and able to help me with wedding stuff if she flakes out at every turn. To me, it''s more like an honorary title, and I''m giving her no responsabilities other than to show up.

I don''t have a lot of girlfriends, so it''s hard for me to be choosy. In fact, I don''t think I''m even going to have a bridal shower or bachelorette party because I wouldn''t know who to invite! But I''m completely okay with the fact that she''ll be a total disaster. I''m going to invite my sister in law to be my matron of honor, because she''s the most stable person I know, and we actually have a good relationship with each other. I feel like I can count on her.

Do you think you could sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel? You''re not really losing anything, I mean if the friendship is that fragile, and talking to her goes horribly, at least you''d have some closure knowing she didn''t care enough about you to acknowledge your feelings? Then you wouldn''t have to invite her to be a part of your wedding.

Or you could supress your feelings like I did, and just get a Matron of Honor? Like one of your married best friends here in Houston?

 

[Dreamer_D]

I''m sorry to hear what you are going through! I think many of us have a friend like that who is so obsessed with her romantic relationships that she cannot devote attention to her friends. I think for a period in highschool that may have even been me!

Sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you said that friendship is a two way street. Sometimes, friendships can just drift apart. And it''s sad, but if you are being hurt you can either tell her, or let the firendship go, I guess. If you tell her, she may not be able to give you what you need from a friend right now anyway, but at least you will have tried. My best friend recently had a similar situation with one of her closest friend. This girl, lets call her "Jane," had a really lame-o bf for years and used to call my friend all the time and hang out at her house for days at a time when they were on a rough patch. She was totally pre-occupied with him and what he was thinking and what was wrong etc etc etc... It''s all she talked about. Jane and her bf broke up and my friend basically looked after her for MONTHS while she got over him, she was so depressed. Jane met a new guy recently, and as soon as she met him, she disappeared. Never called my friend, never hung out with her. And when my friend asked her to be a bridesmaid, she E-MAILED to say she couldn''t do it, and my friend is certain it is because her bf wouldn''t be able to afford to fly out for the wedding. My friend was so hurt, and they have not talked since, Jane never called her again.

As for your worries about your friend being your MOH, if she isn''t being as supportive as you need her to be now, when you aren''t even making any demands of her, then maybe she isn''t going to be the best support for you at your wedding? I leaned on my MOH a lot and briedesmaid drama is the last thing you need at that time!

DD

 

[Sparkles22]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:20:34 PM
Author:meresal
Long rant, I just really need advice...

FYI, this has nothing to do with a man, well, in my life at least...

Some background: I moved to Houston almost 8 months ago, leaving all of my best friends behind. 2 of them have visited, a weekend last sept., and we exchange e-mails everyday. The other bf has not, and she gives no inclination that she ever will. She is not friends with the others, by the way. She''s the Manager for a retail store so I understand that she works weekends, however every chance she has had a weekend off(at least 5 or 6 the last 9 months), she has used it to visit one boyfriend or another, all over the the US and back. This also went on while I lived there in DFW... it was all about fly away for the weekend to meet up with someone she ''just new'' she would like, bc ''IT'' was something different... all of them have had something different. For example, my birthday a year ago none of my friends brought their boyfriends, but she just had to bring this GREAT guy with, that she decided she didn''t like the next day. I could go on forever...
Well she dated a guy that had a great job, good looking, and a complete A** hole. They faught all the time and broke up over a yr ago. Well, about 3 months ago they decided to give it another try... surprise, surprise, still a jerk. He was ignoring her, so she supposedly broke up with him, but she still tells me that she talks to him, bc I don''t think she has anyone else to talk to about him. I''m the only one that really knew him of her other friends. I''m not even sure that they aren''t still dating, she''s probably lying to me.

I am to the point where I roll my eyes everytime she calls or text messages me. It''s never, how are you doing? or how''s the NEW job (that I really like)? or how are you and chris? It is ALWAYS... ''he'' is such a jerk'', or ''you wouldn''t believe the guy I met'', or ''you remember, ????, well he called last night or he''s back in town''. I just can''t understand it, and I can''t believe that someone could just be so oblivious to the fact that she is really hurting me. I have been short with her ''texts'' recently and I now think that she is ignoring me. I lost my phone 2 days ago, and I e-mailed her yesterday, and she has yet to return it with her phone number.

Now to the other issue, other than the fact that I don''t think she cares about me... I''m going to be getting engaged soon, and she would have been my MOH. Well, everytime I talk to her she brings up the idea of moving somewhere else (out of state), or going back to France for a year or so. I don''t know what to do. I can''t imagine not asking her, but I don''t want a MOH half way across the US, that can''t even make a weekend trip 3 hrs away. I don''t even think she is going to be excited when I tell her... I''m having nightmares that she is going to make it all about her, and how SHE''LL never be that happy.

She''s 22 and very pretty. Yet she believes she is never going to find another guy. I just can''t wrap my mind around it. It''s someone different each week, and everytime she and the ''jerk'' break up, she goes back to her fli-o-fax and calls up every guy she dated since the last time they went out. She thinks I''m stupid bc she says ''Ohh you won''t believe who called me, and we met up for lunch.'' or ''you won''t beleive who emailed me this afternoon''... I''m not an idiot!! It''s a vicious cycle, and I just don''t know what to do?

I have to stop now, but i''m sure I''ll add later. I don''t ever have a problem bringing things up to Chris, so why is it so freaking hard with my friends?!?!? I''m scared if I''m honest with her, I''ll lose one of my best friends... I just want her to realize that friendships work both ways, you have to be a listener sometimes too.

Think I would ask one of these girls to be the MOH, sounds like they''ve been there for you, and your relationship is two sided. Just my 2 cents

 

[diamondfan]

There are a couple of issues here. She seems emotionally lacking, and someone who is looking for a guy to rescue her. Hence her penchant for running off to here and there with any guy, but then deciding the next day he is toast. She does not seem stable enough to have involved in your wedding. A guest, maybe, but if a guy invites her somewhere, guess what will likely happen? Your settledness and impending marriage will likely bring out all of her insecurities. Not to be blunt, but once we got past high school this stuff sort of ended naturally. I am not a total chicks over d*cks person, I am married and my hubby and family come first. However, I would certainly find time to visit my best or one of my closest friends if I could make time to chase guys all over creation. It seems like her expectations are simply not realistic. I think she will be someone who is continually disappointed with the men in her life. She seems to thrive on drama and that is the last thing I would want in my life. Also, in an adult friendship you should be afraid to express your feelings.

 

[meresal]

Thank you to everyone. You have really opened my eyes to the fact that she and I are just in two different places in our lives, and I don''t think she really likes the fact that I''m here and she''s there. That is certainly not what I need right now or in the next year or so. How can I count on her to do be here for me, when she doesn''t even want to be here now.

QOTDR: If we remain friends there is no way I can keep her out of the bridal party, but she will not be my MOH if things don''t change.

Somethingshiny: I also feel like it is a waste of my time and energy to keep giving so much, and get so little back when I need it. It''s really hard to deal with.

curiopotter: Those calls sound just like mine, and I hate the messages that start out... "You''re not going to believe what happened!! I have so much to tell you." I''m sure your wedding will go just ownderfully. I must feel nice to know that even though you are all that close, all of these ladies are going out of their way to be at your big day? It sounds like you have a wonderful family. Not many of my friends are married yet, and of those that are, they will not be in my wedding party... maybe I''ll just go with all my older sisters and then I don''t have to choose anyone

dreamer_dachise: Friendships are wonderful when all parties are giving their part... and the others are just emotionally draining. I thought about what you said, and I can''t rely on her to be here for me when she hasn''t even offered to do it on her own. Everytime I talk to her, she says, "I wish you were here." Chris already declined the MOH job. I guess I''ll keep looking

Sparkles: You''re 2 cents are the same as mine, and this would be an easy fix, except for the fact that the other 2 girls are best friends also. I wouldn''t feel right putting one above the other. That''s why I almost feel like having no MOH at all might be nice?

diamondfan: It''s like you know her personally. I HAVE gotten past all the drama and guy chasing, except for when I''m around her. She''s wasnts a good looking guy, with a great job, pampers her, and does everything she wants... what part of that do you think is "Not Realistic"??? I''ve told her that you find the person that''s perfect for you, and then things fall into place, and you are happy no matter what, but that is absolutely intollerable in her mind. I''m going to talk with her when I go home in 2 weeks. Unfortunately it will fall on the weekend we are celebrating my birthday, so it could get interesting, but it''s just something I have to do in person.

I feel so blessed to have found you ladies here on PS. It sounds weird, but with moving away and not having much around here but my hunny and his family; getting to know all of your personalities, I have finally felt like I can open up. Thank you so much for being here, when I need friends the most.

 

[diamondfan]

Oops, I meant you should NOT be afraid to express your feelings.

The sad truth is that some friendships evolve and some do not. I do NOT think that all of your friends must be in the same exact life phase for it to work. That helps, but it is not a deal breaker. She seems like she has no center, and is spinning around like an out of control tornado. People like her turn everything into stuff about THEM. Your engagement, your happiness, almost guaranteed it will make her sad, insecure, feel adrift, wonder where she fits in or if she will ever find her "perfect" man...everything filters through HER needs and issues. I would likely not have a big confrontation with her, she is unlikely to hear you anyway. And I think it be both a bit foolish and wishful thinking on your part to put responsibilities on her. She is not likely to be of help to you and will likely cause you stress. So plan to invite her, as a plus one since she will probably not want to come without a man, and just be light and casual.

 

[joflier]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:47:28 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/21/2008 9:35:37 PM
Author: joflier
It sounds like there''s alot of bitterness with this friendship....at least on your end. And from the sounds of it, its not unwarranted. I guess, my thought is this, don''t just ask her to be your moh just out of obligation. Do it because she (this particular friend, or another) is truely your nearest and dearest. Someone that will be there for you through the whole wedding planning process, and who will share in your joy, not take away from it (whether she means to or not). But with deep friendships, you really need to look into your heart, and do what you feel is best. What will make you happiest? Who will help you keep your sanity through all the wedding maddness? (good maddness though

) What does fiance feel about all this?

Thank you so much for your reply. I''m usually a very stable person, but when it comes to her it''s like I turn into a high-schooler again, with all the drama. Hmm, makes me happiest and keeps my sanity... if this is the case then Chris would be my MOH and my fiance. Funny as it sounds, he''s here for me everytime I need him

. Can I just not have a MOH? Anyone ever tried?

Well, sounds like you got yourself a great man!!!! That''s all that matters! And too, no I don''t think you need a moh.....i had a lot of girlfriend troubles....so I had a just 3 girls stand up with me....and 3 guys! Truely, my guy friends - who are like my big brothers - were there for me for than some of my "closer" girlfriends. It was a little untraditional, but hey, who cares, it was my wedding!

 

[LegacyGirl]

All of you that have reported friendships like that I feel for you. I don''t know how you guys do it. I think I would feel so sad. I don''t have a lot of friends for that reason. It seems like a lot of people are like that. I have one very good friend and she lives pretty far from me and we try to see eachother when we can.

I had friendships like yours but I just got so sad I couldn''t do it anymore. I just can''t believe how some people can be so obsessed in their own lives not to worry about someone they call a friend.

So Meresal how are you? How is the job you just love? Congrats to both you and Chris. How do you like Houston? I have family there but I''ve never been. Maybe one day.

Since your friend won''t ask these important questions I will

I hope you have a great day today!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I really think if you have sisters, making them matrons-of-honor will solve your problems. You will find that when you move away, some friendships endure and some fade away. Looking back 20 years ago, I was insulted that my husband''s sister did not have me in her wedding. She had no sisters but wanted her college friends in her wedding. I think all of them live far away now and she has mimimal contact with them all. Being in a wedding is an expensive prospect, and I would only ask someone that I am 100% sure about. This girl is self-centered and is obviously not going to do her part in keeping the relationship going. So I personally wouldn''t consider having her as MOH.

 

[CrownJewel]

I have to chime in here and give your friend the benefit of the doubt. When I was 22 I was still fairly naive to some things and treated some situations immaturely. I hate to say it, but it''s true. Your friend is not being a very good friend right now, but this doesn''t necessarily mean she''s aware of what she''s doing or how hurtful it is. I say this because I have been "that friend" before, and I fully regret it. My best friend from high school and I went through something similar in college. We kept trying to repair the friendship without ever talking about it. Or maybe she tried to talk to me and I wasn''t being honest about my feelings. She gave me the "This is hurtful because..." or "I feel like I''m not important to you because..." but I was selfish and didn''t know how to talk about my feelings.

When it comes to close girlfriends, honesty is the best medicine. It sounds like your relationship is something worth repairing. Definitely talk to her about it because maybe she just doesn''t know how you feel about her not visiting, or putting her boy toys before you. TALK TO HER.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 2/22/2008 9:59:47 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I really think if you have sisters, making them matrons-of-honor will solve your problems. You will find that when you move away, some friendships endure and some fade away. Looking back 20 years ago, I was insulted that my husband''s sister did not have me in her wedding. She had no sisters but wanted her college friends in her wedding. I think all of them live far away now and she has mimimal contact with them all. Being in a wedding is an expensive prospect, and I would only ask someone that I am 100% sure about. This girl is self-centered and is obviously not going to do her part in keeping the relationship going. So I personally wouldn''t consider having her as MOH.

...what Diamondseeker said!


Your pal is 22, and she seems boy-crazy and self involved. While those aren''t horrendous, evil characteristics, it''s very difficult for you to have a friendship with a young woman who doesn''t seem to have a firm grip on her "identity" (if you will) as an adult yet.

It can be frustrating.

Regarding the Maid-of-Honor dilemma: What kind of MOH would you like to have? I mean, do you picture a MOH who tries to make it to as many appointments as possible with you, and who looks forward to spending time with the other ''Maids? Do you envision a MOH who takes the reigns and plans a great shower, and/or bachelorette for ya?

...Or are you the bride who isn''t really into parties or anything, and would simply prefer that your ''maids take it easy, get their bridesmaids outfits together on time, and show up on time and prepared on the day-of, with communication mostly being via e-mail, text and phone because you guys are super busy, or live far away, etc?

I think that deciding what kind of activities you''d enjoy during the time leading up to your wedding, in addition to what you''d like your maids to help out with, and what kind of showers and bachelorette parties are common within your circle of friends will help decide if your girlfriend is the appropriate choice.

 

[meresal]

LegacyGirl: This friend is the only one I have that is like this... but to her credit, she is also the only "close" friend I have left that is single. I love that she is dating, but I hate that popping around from guy to guy is her life. She''s at a job she hates and is kind of alone in Fort Worth, so I am the shoulder all the time. But, at some point I would really like her to start trying to be positive. It''s not as hard as ppl think, you just have to actually believe that "It can always be worse". She just isn''t willing to accept that yet.
I''m doing good, just trying to survive the last few hours at work until the weekend. I really like my job. I''m working as a Municipal Bond Aanalyst for the #1 Trustee in the US. It is pretty stressful, but it''s a job. right?! Houston has a bit of everything. Of course Chris, but I love that we live right on the water, we''re 30 minutes from Galveston, and we live just outside the city, so I still have a suburban life; It''s almost perfect... if there were such a thing!!

diamondseeker: I would do this, but they will not be in the wedding. They each have families of their own, and they insist that I should have my friends. Honestly, they are scattered about the US as well, and bending over to every whim of their kid sister is not on their TO-DO list for the next few years. The decision will have alot to do with the direction our friendship heads after our conversation. If she isn''t willing to try, then I''m not going to spend my free time worrying about her happiness. Thank you for the idea, maybe I can convince my closest sister to be in it?

CrownJewel: I 100% know she isn''t aware of how much it hurts me, and that IS bc I have not told her. I haven''t had the conversation yet, bc I refuse to have a potentially friendship ending convo over the phone, and I''m still trying to figure out how to approach the situation. Its so hard because I feel like I''m doing damage control before I even start talking... hence, why I feel like a teenager again. I just feel like if our friendship is as strong as I think, then this should be easy? It''s just gotten to the point, where if I need a friend, it has to be on her schedule. It doesn''t really bother me until I need a friend''s shoulder too, and she''s not there to talk.

Mediterranean: She is self proclaimed boy-crazy, and thinks it is funny. I want bridesmaids that want to have fun and enjoy the process with me. I will be very excited and I wnat my BM''s to also. That''s a few months down the road, so I''m sure I''ll get a better idea of it soon, but I understand what you''re saying and it makes alot of sense. It''s hard though, knowing what I want and knowing that one of my bf''s isn''t going to fit that, well at least not all the time... I''m not a demanding person, but I do require that people not be whiners arousn me. I like being around people that are positive, and she can be quite the opposite, eventhough she thinks she''s making a joke about it. Thank you for your help!!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Meresal that sounds great! I understand what you mean about her. She is rather young (I''m actually not much older but am able to act more mature). Maybe eventually she will meet the one and stop popping from guy to guy.

I can''t wait for the weekend either. My class tomorrow morning was actually canceled so I finally get a whole weekend! I have a massage tonight at 8. I can''t wait.

 

[dragonfly411]

Mereseal - I''m going to give you my thoughts on this, as I hope they will help. It sounds to me like you and your friend are on different pages in your life right now and she is doing what my old bf did. Every time she needs something, or needs to vent or whine she calls, otherwise she could care less. She wants you around ONLY when it benefits her. I know you care about her and are worried for her, but do you really want to spend your time worrying about "highschool" drama? (which I felt the same). It sounds like the other two friends are much better friends to you and care about you as much as you care about them, and I would bring those two friends further into my life, and let the other fade out. Sure be there for her if she absolutely needs it, but otherwise do the same to her as she has done to you. I did that and I found that not only did other friends become more important to me, but I found myself meeting great new girls as well!

As to the guy thing, if you are worried about that, then tell her!

 

[meresal]

LegacyGirl: Thank you again, and I hope you are enjoying a "full" weekend!! It's gorgeous here in Houston, and I hope you have the same great weather.

Dragonfly: You had me worried at first... to be honest. I don't like high school drama, and she definitely bring ALOT of hers into my life; well, tries to at least. "The guy thing" is what the enitre thing revolves around. I'm very lucky to have great friends, but its also very hard to realize that someone you thought cared, really hasn't tried much to preserve it. Thank you for your thoughts.


I was thinking this morning and it finally came to when, when this whole thing started bothering me. As many of you know Chris bought my setting in Sept from an amazing jeweler here in S. Houston. He's also buying the diamond there too... they have gorgeous diamonds, from what I hear!!! Anyway, the end of Sept she called to tell me that her bf(the demeaning jerk with the good paying job) had taken her to look at rings, at Tiffany. Well he told her that she could have a smaller ring from there, or a larger one from somewhere else. This is what she said... "I guess I could get one from a LESSER store." I mean WTF?!?! She knows mine isn't a Tiffany, and I didn't want one either...(damage control: Tiffany setting are VERY beautiful, they just weren't what I was looking for

)... I lost it, and told her that there are tons of designers out there that have very beautiful settings/stones, and you don't have to pay for an overpriced diamond. Not many ppl actually have Tiffany engagement rings, and if she really cared about marrying someone and not just the ring, she would know that from researching. She thinks her poo doesn't stink, and I couldn't take it anymore. Immediately she uttered, "But you are getting a beautiful ring too." It had already been said though; she insulted me, without even thinking. I have yet to get over it and things haven't changed. Maybe now that I've realized where all this is coming from, it is going to be much easier to talk to her about. I now feel like I have a basis for bringing all of this up when I see her next.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me see a little deeper into why this is bothering me so much. You all have been wonderful!

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Lol, you''re in some ways kinder than I might have been.

Of course you weren''t annoyed with her at the time before she mentioned the Tiffany''s thing, but I honestly think if I myself had been the least bit annoyed already I might have said: no no, get a Tiffany''s if that''s what you want. Because truth be told, once it''s on her finger, hardly anyone can look close enough to tell it''s a Tiffany''s but everyone can tell if its smaller or bigger than your average sized ring.

Lol, lesser store. Cracks me up.

Perhaps what bothers you, more than just the not well thought out insult, is the idea that this girl is superficial and it finally showed up in an area where you know a LOT about the topic and are more sensitive about. Oh, I''ll marry this guy, he''s getting me a ring from TIFFANY''S! Anyway, I hope you two can resolve it. In the end though, I think the best thing to remember is, regardless of where she gets a ring from, she might not feel satisfied. (smaller ring, or "lesser" brand) But with all the knowledge and research you''ve done, I think you''re satisfied to know you got what you decided was best for you.

There''s really nothing better than just being satisfied with your own life.

 

[diamondfan]

I am for giving benefit of doubt in life. Does NOT mean you should have her in your wedding. If she does NOT change, you are going to have aggravation. Sometimes we have to accept who someone is at that time, they may change, they may not. If they are destructive and toxic, bye bye. If they are not, have them in your life as you see fit, but do not expose yourself needlessly to drama. If she comes around, no harm no foul, and that is great. If she is not on the same page with you during your wedding planning, you will be the one who is unhappy, not her. I would not want to risk it. Invite her as a guest and leave it at that. If she suddenly pops up and is being a helpful friend, suss it out then. But do not expect or put responsibilities on her when it is most likely going to produce a negative outcome.

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/23/2008 10:58:53 PM
Author: moderatelypoorstudent
Lol, you''re in some ways kinder than I might have been.

Of course you weren''t annoyed with her at the time before she mentioned the Tiffany''s thing, but I honestly think if I myself had been the least bit annoyed already I might have said: no no, get a Tiffany''s if that''s what you want. Because truth be told, once it''s on her finger, hardly anyone can look close enough to tell it''s a Tiffany''s but everyone can tell if its smaller or bigger than your average sized ring.

Lol, lesser store. Cracks me up.

Perhaps what bothers you, more than just the not well thought out insult, is the idea that this girl is superficial and it finally showed up in an area where you know a LOT about the topic and are more sensitive about. Oh, I''ll marry this guy, he''s getting me a ring from TIFFANY''S! Anyway, I hope you two can resolve it. In the end though, I think the best thing to remember is, regardless of where she gets a ring from, she might not feel satisfied. (smaller ring, or ''lesser'' brand) But with all the knowledge and research you''ve done, I think you''re satisfied to know you got what you decided was best for you.

There''s really nothing better than just being satisfied with your own life.

Yes, I am very forgiving up to a certrain point. I have a cut off where even I know when to cut my losses And yes, the Lesser comment still makes me roll my eyes. Whatev!

Diamondfan: I understand the what you''re saying. But since I am yet to be engaged I will leave that decision for a couple months now. If our friendship fizzles out by then, then there''s nothing to worry about anyway. I really appreciate your concern. If I make the worng decision, and a year down the road I''m on here B****ing about my MOH, you all have permission to either completely ignor me, or tell me EXACTLY what you think!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It sounds to me like you two are in very different places as far as your lives are concerned. Unfortunately, it sounds like there may be some resentment on her behalf for the progress you''ve made and path you''re on...considering the lengths she is willing to go to find love for herself.

I had my best friend as my MOH. She lives four hours away, and it was a blessing having her involved in my wedding, because she really pulled thru for me and took on the responsibility in a positive, upbeat way. Even though she made sacrifices in her personal life, like time away from her husband and child...which made her involvement even sweeter for me since I knew she was making a real effort to be there. But, I know she got it having had a wedding herself a few year before. She understood the importance of her role, and the responsibilities she took on when she accepted my invitation. I don''t think that your friend gets it. Its very important to surround yourself with positivity and love during the wedding planning process...asking someone to stand up for your is a honor and speaks of the connection you two share as friends. I think that having her as your MOH would be great if the situation were different, but I think that given her past efforts, you''ll be disappointed in her behavior and willingness to participate.

If I were you, I would ask her to be a BM. That way you can still celebrate your friendship, and have her involved in the process, but not give her a corner stone role. However, I would only make this effort after having a long, heartfelt conversation with her about your feelings. If she is unwilling to open the gates of communication, it then becomes your job to do so. If you two are as close as I believe you are, then it should be an easy fix. Share with her your disappointment, and that you wish she''d put forth more of an effort to be a part of your life now. Tell her that you''re hurt, and want to fix the friendship before it''s to late. Talking to her in a nonconfrontational way without judgement or resentment will help heal the friendship.

If that doesn''t work, then you have your answer. Sometime people outgrow each other, which sad but common. She may feel like you''ve "left her behind" although you may not see that, and this could become a breaking point for you both. It seems as though she wants to messure up to you--you have a successful relationship, and she wants to share with you every chance she gets that she too is working towards having that. Often times, esspecially with best friends, unlevel playing fields are deal breakers.

Talk, talk, talk...if you want to save the friendship and share in your wedding with her, that is your best bet!

Good luck!

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/25/2008 6:43:45 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
It sounds to me like you two are in very different places as far as your lives are concerned. Unfortunately, it sounds like there may be some resentment on her behalf for the progress you''ve made and path you''re on...considering the lengths she is willing to go to find love for herself.

I had my best friend as my MOH. She lives four hours away, and it was a blessing having her involved in my wedding, because she really pulled thru for me and took on the responsibility in a positive, upbeat way. Even though she made sacrifices in her personal life, like time away from her husband and child...which made her involvement even sweeter for me since I knew she was making a real effort to be there. But, I know she got it having had a wedding herself a few year before. She understood the importance of her role, and the responsibilities she took on when she accepted my invitation. I don''t think that your friend gets it. Its very important to surround yourself with positivity and love during the wedding planning process...asking someone to stand up for your is a honor and speaks of the connection you two share as friends. I think that having her as your MOH would be great if the situation were different, but I think that given her past efforts, you''ll be disappointed in her behavior and willingness to participate.

If I were you, I would ask her to be a BM. That way you can still celebrate your friendship, and have her involved in the process, but not give her a corner stone role. However, I would only make this effort after having a long, heartfelt conversation with her about your feelings. If she is unwilling to open the gates of communication, it then becomes your job to do so. If you two are as close as I believe you are, then it should be an easy fix. Share with her your disappointment, and that you wish she''d put forth more of an effort to be a part of your life now. Tell her that you''re hurt, and want to fix the friendship before it''s to late. Talking to her in a nonconfrontational way without judgement or resentment will help heal the friendship.

If that doesn''t work, then you have your answer. Sometime people outgrow each other, which sad but common. She may feel like you''ve ''left her behind'' although you may not see that, and this could become a breaking point for you both. It seems as though she wants to messure up to you--you have a successful relationship, and she wants to share with you every chance she gets that she too is working towards having that. Often times, esspecially with best friends, unlevel playing fields are deal breakers.

Talk, talk, talk...if you want to save the friendship and share in your wedding with her, that is your best bet!

Good luck!

Italia: We have posted a few times on the same thread, and I understand how honest you are. That being said, I really want to thank you for your thougts. I appreacaite the time that you took to put yourself in my shoes. The higlighted section above gave me a whole new perspective on things. I never thought about the fact, that maybe she wants to share her good stories... no matter how many different guys it may be... with me, so that I can be happy for her too. I hope that we will be able to have a very open conversation, and I will definitely be using some of the points you offered.
Thank you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I hope that you do really take some time and get a good prespective on your friendship. It sounds like there is a lot of good stuff between the two of you, and I am hoping you''re able to salvage the friendship. I think that you both need to have a good cup of coffee and a really good, honest, no holds barred talk.

I hope that you two can get good again, and that you can move forward with excitement and understanding for each other. I know that when you have a friend who is "behind" you romantically, it can sometimes be exhusting keeping up. But always remember you''re lucky, you''re so so so lucky. She isn''t there yet...but she''s striving to find that for herself. If you were single, you''d be flitting thru the boys too!

 

[dragonfly411]

I wanted to add another thought that furthers the " being left behind". She may come to you with her drama and problems because she doesn''t want you to leave her behind.... period. Maybe she feels as though when you get married she won''t get as much attention? I would definitely suggest coffee and a long talk together. Maybe ask her where she wants to be in a few years, what she sees for herself, and you can advise towards the goals. Let her know that you want to be there for her, but she has to be there for you too. Make her aware that you are worried about her travels for guys and you don''t want her to look back and regret anything. And let her know that you are always there for her when she truly needs you. Again though, bear in mind that it seems you are on different pages right now and you may have to separate from her a bit if you want to avoid the drama you don''t like.

My younger sister is currently dating someone 2 hours away. I worry just about that drive when she goes there. I''ve met him, he seems nice, but it''s scary!!!

 

[meresal]

She struck again...
I was sitting here at work, busting my arse when I got a text message. I was meeting a friend for lunch so I thought it was him... how silly of me. It was her; "Guess what? *** asked me to go to Hawaii this weekend!!!". 1st thought: You got to be F-ing kidding me, another last minute trip with another new guy. 2nd thought: This guy seems nice, from what she says, I bet they would have alot of fun. (Before everyone starts... I know, my first thought was initaially super jealousy... I would love to pack up and go away for a week; and maybe if I hated my job and didn't care about getting fired, I would.

) I think that this proved that she just wants me to be excited for her as well. I completely understand, and I was. But beng excited for her "as well", would mean that she would have to actually ASK me about something I did, and THEN be excited for me. I'm just ranting again, so sorry. She barely knows this guy, and I think it would have been a horrible idea going to an island with a complete stranger... but I think everyone would be excited about a getaway weekend to Hawaii, no?
Short story shorter, she can't go bc her boss wouldn't let her off work.

I REALLY need it to be the weekend. C bought us tickets to my favorite band for V-day, and the show is tomorrow night. I'm super stoked!! Hope everyone had a good day!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think her latest text only stands to prove my point. While you''re getting married, and starting this new chapter in your life, she is trying to compete with you in the only way she can...which is to live an exciting, spontaneous, crazy life style (all and all, probably the exact opposit lifestyle you''re leading---her life is in full single 20-something swing, while you''re settling down and starting your future)...she probably thinks "if I can''t get married, I can certainly have fun!". I am sure she''d trade places with you if she could.

Dont let it get to you. Obviously this was *big* news for her...and, lets admit it...when we were all single, if a nice guy suggested taking an impromptu trip to Hawaii we would have called all of our friends to shamelessly brag, too. Maybe going to an Island with a stranger isn''t the smartest move (anyone remember Natalee Holloway?) but, like I also said before, it seems like she in husband-hunting mode, and is willing to take chances if there could be a big reward aka a ring/wedding/husband/baby.

I think you need to chat with her....seriously...about your feelings.