Ladies I desperately need your help

[chieffan22]

My GF has been hinting about wanting a ring for the last 2 months now. We talked a little about her likes/dislikes etc. I wanted to make sure I got a ring as perfect as she is so I took my time. We got back from a trip to Europe about 3 weeks ago to attend my sisters wedding. I think she thought I was going to propose then but didn''t. Every since we have been back, she has been depressed. The ring arrived last week and it''s beautiful. I couldn''t wait to give it to her. I planned a romantic weekend so i could propose. A couple of days before I we were due to leave, she started crying, saying how unhappy her life was, how she doesn''t feel like she has a anyone etc. She decided to go away by herself the weekend i had planned to sort her head out. I had no choice but to let her go. Since she has been back, she has not been much better. Still depressed. My problem is now I am not sure if i should give her the ring in her depressed state. She knows i have it. Is not giving her the ring making her feel worse? Should i wait until her sprits are up? I have tried flowers etc and nothing seems to make her feel better. I am at a loss. I love her so much and want to give the ring. Please let me know your experiences and opinions.

 

[WTNLVR]

If she knows you have the ring, then she could be getting more depressed because she is wondering why you haven''t proposed yet. Waiting for a proposal that isn''t happening can drive women crazy. Set up a romantic dinner at home and propose. She''ll likely turn around in no time. Unless she has a history of clinical depression. In that case she should see her doctor and /or set up a time to talk to a professional.

 

[ladykemma]

yeah asap.

the men who hang on to the ring, i call it mind control, games, or torture. waiting for the surprise proposal, mega trip, or romantic weekend is unnecessary.

my hubby proposed, we went for a ring, he picked it up and gave me the ring in the parking lot. best thing to do!

i like the recent posting of how he gave the ring to her at breakfast. BEST!

 

[anchor31]

Do propose as soon as you can... I think it''s probably the best thing to do in your situation.

 

[Mimikins24]

I basically agree with everyone else and think you should propose soon. Set up something intimate at home (dinner, a bath, a bottle of wine, whatever you think she would like) and don''t be worried about the grand gesture. Make it special and private, tell her how much you love her and want to spend your life with her. I''m sure she will perk right up once she hears sweet words from your heart. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

 

[RoseAngel04]

Do you have any clue as to what else other than not having the ring is depressing her? Is she really stressed due to school, work, family issues, or ANTHING?! To me being this depressed only after two months seems a little extreem, but everyone is different. The only thing that concerns me is if the proposal has nothing to do with her state of mind she may need you to talk to her about it before popping the question.

that''s just my two cents though..if you are having any doubts talk to her FIRST. Good luck.

 

[chieffan22]

She has just started a new job which is causing her a lot of stress. It seemed like the depression started with the new job, trying to fit in etc. Then is became about our relationship. She says that she thinks she can''t make me happy. I am worried that her depressed state won''t change if i propose.

 

[Mimikins24]

Well from this additional information, I would say that it sounds like she is having a tough time adjusting to her new job. When I am having a tough day at work or at school, the best thing for me is to hear that my BF supports me and loves me unconditionally. I don't mean to put pressure on you as you seem concerned and I'm sure that you are being supportive, but I think that it is important to help her come out of her funk. If you really think that this is something more serious, then talk to her friends and family and try to get her help if she needs it. From what you are saying, it seems that her job change has been tough on her and the added stress of the impending engagement is overwhelming her. I still think that as long as you believe this is attributable to her job change, then an engagement may lift her spirits and make her feel like you are supporting her 100%.

 

[poptart]

I agree with what everyone is saying about proposing as soon as possible, especially with something romantic/stress relieving for her. If you think her depression was catalyzed by her new job, then you may be right that the proposal won''t fix everything... but it might help. It would at least reassure her of the fact that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. And if she currently feels that she is not offering a lot to your relationship, perhaps proposing would help to change her mind. Now, I am definitely NOT a doctor, but seeing many friends suffer with depression I would suggest that if she stays this way (crying, feeling worthless, etc.) you really need to get her to a doctor asap. A new job can be soooo stressful though, and the constant anticipation and wait of an impending engagement is stressful as well. Perhaps all the changes and anticipation has just reached a level that she is having trouble dealing with right now, and it may just take some time for her to settle in and calm down again. But definitely propose...

 

[diamondfan]

The new job might be a stressor and now she is generalizing it out to you because she knows you have the ring and if you loved her you would have given it her by now. Make sense? The spill over seems quite natural. I would propose soon and tell her all your feelings about how you wanted the ring to be perfect like she is etc...do not say you are giving it to her to end her depression. That is a lot of pressure for her. Be supportive, and she if over a bit of time she changes back to her old self. If she does not, I would see about having her see someone, and maybe look into if this job is really a good choice for her...Good luck and let us know...

 

[KristyDarling]

I''m feeling deja vu as there was a similar thread by a guy about 2-3 months ago, I think. He was all ready to propose to his GF, but then postponed it because his GF came home from work one day all riled up from work and crying because a coworker had been mean to her. I believe she was also feeling down in general about other things too. The unanimous consensus here was to propose ASAP, and I would advise the same for your situation.

As a woman, I''m 99% sure that a BIIIIG part of the reason why she''s depressed is because she''s wondering whether you''ll ever propose, and she''s getting annoyed with the waiting. The new job stress is just icing on the cake. You''ve got the ring... so go get ''em!!! She doesn''t need to be in a good mood in order to have a happy proposal. She''d be happy if you proposed to her while running from a burning house with your clothes on fire! (well, god forbid) Do it!

GOOD LUCK!

 

[sunkist]

If you are ready to propose, then you shouldn''t delay it. But in my opinion, it sounds like your GF is being a little childish in this situation. I know there are times I act like this too, and I''m not proud of it

, but a quick look at reality shakes me back into place. It seems like she pouting and trying to get her way. If I were her I''d feel guilty trying to get my BF to propose to me while I was in this pouty mood. I think you should talk to her, ask her why she''s in this funk, tell her you support her in her work, that you love her and know she is the woman for you. That should put her in a good mood, and then you can possibly propose the next night or so. It shows maturity in a girl when she can cope with disappointment and get over it. I just know that I would not want to be putting off these bad vibes to my BF when he proposes.

 

[Starset]

Then is became about our relationship. She says that she thinks she can''t make me happy.

This concerns me.



Be sure she isn''t planting seeds to tell you something else in the future.
You need to have a discussion before you propose.
It may be nothing - just tell her you were concerned and let her know you care.

 

[ephemery1]

This is obviously a really tough situation, for both you AND your girl. You mentioned that she knows you have the ring... how did that come about? If she was unaware that you had it, and thought you were just dragging your feet about getting engaged... I can see how she may have come to the conclusion that she isn''t able to make you happy, to explain why you hadn''t proposed yet. But if she knows you have it and that you want to propose, yet she is still so obviously unhappy and questioning her role in your relationship, she may be having more legitimate fears about her self-worth.

A lot of what you''ve said points to clinical depression... which is very common when going through major life changes like making a big commitment or starting a new job. If that is the case, proposing may give her a temporary lift, but it isn''t going to "cure" her... as you said, she may continue to be depressed. However if you are secure in your love for her, and hers for you, I see no reason NOT to give her that temporary lift by proposing and reminding her of the strength of your relationship... just please please please make sure she is also getting the medical attention she needs (therapist, physican, etc.)

Please keep us updated... at the risk of sounding like a public service announcement, depression can be devastating for both the individual experiencing it and the people who love them... the very best thing you can do at this point is let her know that while you may not completely understand what she is going through, you respect it... and are willing to listen and help in any way possible.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Thank you Sunkist and Starset! I also worry that proposing may not be the end-all to this sudden onset of depression. It could be, which would be sad that she went to such lengths to manipulate her boyfriend (who obviously loves her so much) into proposing. We''ve all seen the ladies who know their guys have the ering for months at a time before proposing, and most of them turn out ok! It''s all worth it in the end! Cheiffan, if your girlfriend isn''t just upset about her tough job situation it really bothers me tha she''s acting so childish in an attempt to get that ring on her finger. However, I too have dealt with depression in my family and if this is the case, a proposal won''t make it better. It will help, but won''t cure her fear that she can''t make you happy. I think you need to try to get to the root of why she is so unhappy. Changes and stress can be tough but if she is unable to deal she may need help working through whatever is bothering her. Good luck...it''s so nice to hear that you want to help her...it shows how much you love her. Good for you! Keep us posted and we hope you are both HAPPILY engaged soon!!!

 

[allycat0303]

Well I''m concerned about the situation. I think you should propose, but I think if the lack of proposal is causing the depression then this could be a serious warning sign. Anxious, impatient, annoyed, feeling a little down etc., is normal. I don''t think "depression" is normal. I don''t know if you''re talking about clinical depression (i.e crying incessently, motor disturbance, talk/thoughts of suicide) or just "feeling blue" If you''re talking about the former, a proposal isn''t going to help, and she''s going to need to consult a doctor for outside help.

Good luck!

 

[chieffan22]

I told her that I bought the ring because she kept saying that I was acting strangely and distant. And why did I keep asking her about her commitment level. I though if she knew it was because I bought the ring... she would feel better. Anyway, her depression started last Tuesday and I told her about the ring last Thursday. I still haven''t given it to her because she has been gone since Friday.

 

[jones_poet]

the best thing i think you can do is Propose. She is dyin inside, when you propose everthing will be better!!

 

[chieffan22]

Thank you all for your advice. Yesterday I proposed, It wasn''t as perfect as I had hoped but it was heartfelt. As soon as I showed her she started crying. Not quite the reaction I was looking for but either way the ring is on her finger. She is also going to the doctor today to fiqure out if there is a phsyical reason for the depression. Knowing I still wanted to marry her even at her worst must have been a great relief. It is about standing by the people you love through good times and bad. Thank you all.

 

[plantationcatt]

Just wanted you to know yall are in my thoughts. Good luck with everything.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Congratulations on your engagement. I hope everything gets better for you!

 

[staceybelle]

"Knowing I still wanted to marry her even at her worst must have been a great relief. It is about standing by the people you love through good times and bad."

I think you hit the nail on the head here.

I suffered from a type of situational depression my sophomore and junior years of college. I don''t believe I was ever clinically depressed (i.e., I don''t think I had the chemical imbalances in my brain that cause depression), but the overwhelming stresses and strains in my life led to a depressed state like you have described (and would fit with the stress your fiancee is experiencing with her new job). I thought my crying/crankiness/negativity had to be pushing my boyfriend away to some extent, even though he reassured me constantly. Thinking that I couldn''t make him happy or that it was difficult for him to be with me made me even more depressed, and it became a vicious cycle.

Don''t get me wrong, I''m not advocating proposing as a cure for depression, and it sounds to me like your fiancee might benefit from some counseling to get her through this rough patch, but I''m sure it was very helpful for her to know that you want to be with her forever, even when things aren''t perfect. After all, the tough times aren''t going to end when you''re married!

I think you did the right thing. Good luck to you and your fiancee.