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Large Age Gap...anyone else?

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StarvingMusician

Rough_Rock
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So my boyfriend and I have a quite large age gap. I am 23, he is 34, we''re both grad students (he''s *almost!*got his PhD, and I''ve got a semester left on my masters). We''ve been dating for two years (In his defense, I did look older than 21 when we met...and I thought he was younger than 32. Looked more like a 26-28. Plus we met at a party that was mostly grad students, a few undergrad, so he probably thought I was a grad student.)

Although the age gap does not bother us, people have made some downright rude comments. Along the lines of calling him a cradle robber, suggesting that I''m a little gold digger. If these comments were meant in jest, we''d be annoyed but not offended. But some people have said these things SERIOUSLY to us.

I guess what I am wondering, does anybody else face this problem? Is there a kind way to put off these comments? I''m just worried that when we are actually married, they may become worse, and I''d like to know good defense mechanisms.

Thanks so much!
 
... someone called a grad. student dating another grad. student a gold digger? As someone who has just left that hallowed state, I am confused. Everybody knows we''re in it for the fame and fortune, but ... yeah.

9 years doesn''t strike me as being a huge gap, especially given your respective ages (further back down the line, I might have said otherwise): both of you are in more or less the same stage of maturity, and if you''re in the same field, odds are good that you have a lot in common. I know it''s unsatisfying, but just focus on the fact that these people are only compounding the idiocy of their observations by having the poor manners to share them.
 
I don''t think that 9 years is a big deal. If you were 16, then yeah.....but you are both adults.

B is 7 years older than me (but we are a little older.) Who cares if we don''t!

It''s no one''s business, and its OK for you to tell anyone with a rude comment that!
 
Guys... 23-34 = 11 years, right?

11 years is still not THAT huge of an age gap, as you'll see when you're older.
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I think it is probably a bigger gap now, and will diminish as time goes on.

At this age, probably, you're extra mature for your age and he (no offense) is extra immature for his age. The only real potential drawback is that he is done growing up, circa mental age 25-28ish, but you are still growing up. You may outgrow him. It often happens in these cases. It could happen that in 5 years, you'll be mental age 30, and he'll still be 25.

I can tell you honestly that if any of our mid 30's friends was dating someone that much younger, we would raise our eyebrows. There is a huge difference in maturity and life experience between the 'average' 23 year old and a grown up 34 year old, and we'd wonder if a) he couldn't deal with women his own age...had issues with control, or rejection, or something... or b) was just immature.

However, friends in their 40's dating friends in their 30's... totally a non-issue and no one thinks twice.

So, even if you have to deal with crap now, it will diminish as you get older, to the point where no one will really even notice the age gap. 11 years isn't that long once you're both reeeeeally all grown up. Then once you get old, it will start to matter again. But I'm sure you've thought about that and that it's worth it.
 
My BF and I have an 8 year age gap and it is such a non-issue. The older you get, the less it will matter.

I do like to tease my BF now and again that when he was 16 and driving a car I was 8 and in the 3rd grade! LOL
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Date: 5/20/2008 2:43:23 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Guys... 23-34 = 11 years, right?
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D''oh! As you can tell, I was not pursuing an advanced degree in math.
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But otherwise, yeah, what she said.
 
I see what you mean about the maturity/immaturity, Independent gal...he''s been in the peace corps/americorps/ grad school since he''s been out of college, so he''s never really been in the real world outside of academia. I wouldn''t say that he''s immature, he just really hasn''t had to face the 9-5 job, being married, having kids. I wouldn''t call that immature, I''d just call it different then most 34 year olds.

I also understand that people, at first glance, could be wierded out by the age gap. We joke about it all the time...Like he could drink when I was still playing with barbies, he was living in Africa when I was in middle school, etc. I just don''t appreciate their rude comments about it. I''m along the lines of "If it wierds you out fine, but this is our choice, and I don''t need to hear it"...see what I''m saying? Especially insulting comments that question our intentions with each other.

Thanks for replying, guys...you''ve given me some things to think about (in a good way).
 
Well, my BF & I have faced similar comments and he is only 5 years older than me. (25 & 30). They are usually in jest but still...I''d say just try to ignore the rudeness. It blows my mind sometimes that people think they have the right to make such rude comments!
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My father is 7 years older than my mother and bother were older to be having kids, but when I was young he looked much older. People never said anything to them (people are frightend of my mom), but people would ask me as a kid about my grandpa when they meant my dad. It made me feel bad, but as I got older, he didn''t appear to age and his peers did and soon it wasn''t an issue. My point is people will comment no matter what the situation.

Maybe it is just my peers, but no one in my group of friends would think twice about that age difference. When I was younger I dated a man about that much older. He turned out to be a jerk, but I do not think that was related to the age difference, rather his manipulative ex coming back when there was compitition.
 
I don't usually read this part of the forum (I spend most of my time on the pregnant PSer thread) but just wanted to say that my DH and I are 14 years apart. I was 23 and he was 37 when we met. (He STILL doesn't look a day over 30!:)His family hated my age at first and my friends were critical of his age. But, we didn't care because we knew that we were "it" after a month of dating. Harder said than done, but people will have their opinions, but only you can know your relationship. We are now happily married, with a beautiful baby girl. His family is great and my friends (the ones who were really my friends) are so happy for us and love us as a couple. Enjoy your relationship. There are people out there who could be critical of anything if given the chance!
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We're 6 years apart and there are certainly generation gaps occasionally (like when he is amazed I have never heard of a top 40 song that was popular before I was born!), but overall it isn't an issue. I think it's better when the girl is the younger one because it kind of evens things out maturity wise.

As long as YOU are happy and comfortable in the relationship, just go with it. And if someone makes a nasty comment about it, make one right back! If someone says you are a gold digger just say "Yup, I love my sugar daddy!". Trust me, they'll shut up eventually.
 
Thanks, Burk, for sharing your story! I often feel like if people would just give us a chance, they would see that we are perfect for each other.

I''m usually ok--our group of friends who we are closest too (there are about 15 of us who hang out continually) ranges from the 21 year old Anthropology student to the 47 year old artist, with all ages and various creative/alternative job descriptions in between. BF and I are not the biggest age gap to have dated, although we will be the first two to get married. It''s when I have to deal with some not so close friends.

I guess what made me insecure and led me to posting was today, while working in the Admissions office at school (I''m a graduate assistant, so during the summer I work as a receptionist instead of my music job) a very immature, yet well intending, friend came in to pick up a grad school application. She knows I''ve been dating bf, and she asks how much older he is. I tell her, and she says "I certainly hope he makes a lot of money!" I laugh and say no, then something along the lines of "you kidder", and she says "no, I''m serious, why else would you date someone that much older? You obviously can''t love him."

Now, this IS the person who is engaged to the boy her rich parents picked out (and she has the two carat sparkler to prove it), but it just bothered me. These comments have been said to both of us before, although the ones that people tell him regarding me tend to be on the vulgar side, the ones I hear just make me out to be a manipulative little you know what.

Sorry to write a novel...you guys have helped me feel better. I''ve seen it''s not just me and bf--Thanks, everyone!
 
Date: 5/20/2008 2:51:12 PM
Author: Just_Me
My BF and I have an 8 year age gap and it is such a non-issue. The older you get, the less it will matter.

I do like to tease my BF now and again that when he was 16 and driving a car I was 8 and in the 3rd grade! LOL
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Click to expand...

LOL! We do that too.....he was graduating from college and I was in 8th grade or something. Tee hee!!!
 
Date: 5/20/2008 4:01:18 PM
Author: StarvingMusician
Thanks, Burk, for sharing your story! I often feel like if people would just give us a chance, they would see that we are perfect for each other.

I''m usually ok--our group of friends who we are closest too (there are about 15 of us who hang out continually) ranges from the 21 year old Anthropology student to the 47 year old artist, with all ages and various creative/alternative job descriptions in between. BF and I are not the biggest age gap to have dated, although we will be the first two to get married. It''s when I have to deal with some not so close friends.

I guess what made me insecure and led me to posting was today, while working in the Admissions office at school (I''m a graduate assistant, so during the summer I work as a receptionist instead of my music job) a very immature, yet well intending, friend came in to pick up a grad school application. She knows I''ve been dating bf, and she asks how much older he is. I tell her, and she says ''I certainly hope he makes a lot of money!'' I laugh and say no, then something along the lines of ''you kidder'', and she says ''no, I''m serious, why else would you date someone that much older? You obviously can''t love him.''

Now, this IS the person who is engaged to the boy her rich parents picked out (and she has the two carat sparkler to prove it), but it just bothered me. These comments have been said to both of us before, although the ones that people tell him regarding me tend to be on the vulgar side, the ones I hear just make me out to be a manipulative little you know what.

Sorry to write a novel...you guys have helped me feel better. I''ve seen it''s not just me and bf--Thanks, everyone!
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Hey there - that makes me feel really bad that you have to put up wiht comments like that How dare she rain on your parade!?!?!?!?!

BOOOO!!!

You sound a bit on the sensitive side (I know I am and that would have annoyed/hurt me as well.).

Remember - no matter what you say or do, there will always be someone out there with an opposite opinion on just about anything.

Such is life! Hang in there!
 
The whole gold digger comment is kind of out of sorts - older doesn''t necessarily = more assets.

I''m almost 4 years older than DH, and while that isn''t a large age gap, it''s apparently very odd that I''m married to a "younger man".

I worried about it when we started dating, but now, as we get older, it''s completely a non-issue.
 
My guy is 14 years older than me, but no one really gives me grief for it. He looks super young though! We''ve been together for about 8 years and we were friends before that.

My parents have an even bigger age gap -- my dad is 26 years older than my mom! He actually has a daughter from his first marriage who is older than my mom. That was quite the controversy on her side of the family too, let me tell you! My parents have been happily married for more than 30 years (can''t remember exactly). My dad is now 83, but no one would ever guess it seeing him. He''s into cool music and he had to teach me how to download music and burn CDs off iTunes!
 
Usually, Pushin, I''m not sensitive at all...it''s just we''ve gotten alot of these comments, from many different people. I''m also not literal/gullible at all, I''m very good at reading when people are joking, even if the joke is in poor taste.

Guess I''m just a little irritable today...we all have those days, right?
 
Ignore it!

My dad is 11 years older than my mother - 37 years together in July (they got engaged within 2 weeks of meeting and married within 6 months) and still as happy as can be.

My closest male friend is 54 and his girlfriend is 26.

I was at school with a guy whose father was 45 years older than his mother. Boy, was she angry when he died 4 days before his 100th birthday and she'd organised a big party!

I dated a man who was 12 years older than me - and had a 5 year old daughter. I left him because he was too immature!

That said, I'm marrying my toyboy!
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I would come up with a stock answer/retort for people who make rude comments. You could try looking appalled and saying "Wow." Or you could say "I''m surprised you would make such a rude comment to me." or "I don''t see how our age difference is any of your business" or something like that. But I''m a wee bit confrontational, so that might not be your style!

I personally don''t think 11 years is a huge age difference, although I agree with your assessment that he''s probably a little more immature than most 34 year olds since he''s never had a 9 to 5 type of job.

I can''t believe that girl actually told you that you couldn''t possibly love him because he''s older than you and not rich.
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That''s just insane!
 
Well, my boyfriend is 18 years older than me and I''ve definitely heard very similar comments (and he''s heard his share of the "vulgar" ones too). With everyone else here, I agree people that make these negative comments are just unhappy people. With that said I do understand that it still gets under your skin every now and then. There''s this one girl that I work with and she''s made several rude comments despite the fact that my bf and I have had her and her bf (and other friends) over for dinner and done multiple other nice things....yet she still takes joy in making negative comments to me about him. Needless to say I enjoy hearing her discuss her differences with her bf a little more than I should ;) especially the fact that she would like to put their savings towards travel and a ring, but he wants to put it towards a flat screen.

And re: your friend with the pre-determined marriage and the 2 ct rock......well it seems she''s not truly in love and just take joy in the fact that you are. It''s things like this that reveal who your true friends are.
 
DH and I are 8 years apart - I’m 31 and he’s 39. Soon to be 32 and 40. Yikes!

It’s not an issue, really. DH is a bit sensitive about his age and doesn’t like telling people how old he is when they ask. He looks much younger though, so people are always shocked when they do learn his age. I don''t think he likes that reaction.

I might be a BIT more sensitive about it when he actually turns 40. It just sounds very…middle age, you know? When I was younger I always thought old age started at 40.
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Anyhoo…I really don’t think it would bother me all that much really.
 
My FI and I have the same age gap as you two, I was 23 and he was 34 when we started dating. (We''re 27 and 38 now.)

I got a few rude comments from friends when we first started dating, although most of them were from girlfriends who were concerned that he might have commitment issues or some enormous flaw because *GASP!* he was 34 and never married! Seriously, though, they care about me and they wanted to make sure that I wasn''t dating someone who was just looking for some young arm candy. (As if I''m in danger of being mistaken for arm candy--HA!)

Anyway . . . I know we''ve gotten other rude comments but I honestly cannot remember them right now. (Shows you how much I cared!) Seriously, the age difference is only an issue if, well, it''s an issue. And it sounds like it''s not an issue for you two so all those naysayers can stuff it.

When I tell my HS studens how old my FI is they always ask if he''s really rich and that''s why I''m with him, but they''re adolescents so they have no filter and even less life experience, so I forgive them their rude comments. :)

When people do make comments about how my FI is a bit old to be unmarried I just tell them that my FI simply had to stay single for so long because I wasn''t old enough to date him until he was already nearly 30, and OF COURSE he had to stay single for me because we are just plain perfect together.

(And I have to laught at the golddigger comment about two grad students! OY!)
 
I actually have had the opossite thing happen. My FI is only 1 year older (by far the closest to my age of anyone I have been with) and I make more money. My friends used to call me "anna" after nicole smith since I dated older, sometimes VERY wealthy men, although that wasn;t why I was dating them. Now I have had people who know my background tell me to trade up because I could marry someone worth a lot more. Even my mother said she was suprised I didn''t end up with an older man, although not for the money. It is esentially damned if you do, damned if you don''t.
 
haha, that''s funny,haven...my mother had the same reaction about him being 32 and never married when we first met. Her question, verbatim, was "What''s wrong with him? Why is he 32 and not married?"

You guys are so helpful and encouraging...its good to know that other people have gone through this, and that you came out fine! Thanks!
 
Hmm, well, my hubby and I were just married last year - I am 47 and he is about to turn 36
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Date: 5/20/2008 5:22:22 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
The whole gold digger comment is kind of out of sorts - older doesn''t necessarily = more assets.

I''m almost 4 years older than DH, and while that isn''t a large age gap, it''s apparently very odd that I''m married to a ''younger man''.

I worried about it when we started dating, but now, as we get older, it''s completely a non-issue.
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I''m a few months shy of being 5 years older than my husband. It really bothered me at first but now I couldn''t care less. What bothers me is how close I came to not pursuing the relationship because of the age gap. I finally came to realize that it''s a non issue for us and most people would never guess there is any differance in our ages (I look a few years younger and looks a little older. We balance each other in so many ways.
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I think that if the age gap isn''t an issue for the couple (meaning if when you''re together, making decisions, etc. you don''t notice it) then there is no reason for it to be an issue for anyone else. With all the things that can cause problems in relationships I see no reason to create a problem where there should be none. An age gap (of any size) that is a non issue for one couple may be a huge issue for another... it just depends on the people.
 
i''m only 3 years older than my husband, but people definitely consider me the ''older woman''. if people want to criticize you, they''ll always manage to find something to say.

i agree that the age gap will narrow as you get older. a friend of mine recently married and had a baby (both in grad school). i just found out that she''s 39, and he''s 26, so that explains part of their rush to have children, but other than that, i hardly think about the age difference. they so clearly suit each other and their relationship has done a world of good for both of them.
 
My BF is 7 years older than I am, but I feel like we''re at an age where it''s starting not to matter. I''m 28 -- and my friends (and his friends) don''t bat an eyelash. But some of the younger folks I go to school with who are 22 or 23 think this is a HUGE age difference. Also the longer I date him the less I think about it, except in terms of how old we''ll be when we have kids, etc.

We did initially discuss with each other that we have a considerable difference, but once we determined that it didn''t bother either of us (he told me I acted more mature than other 26 year olds...hee hee) we were okay. Part of what drew me to him is that he''s so comfortable with who he is in a way that most 20-somethings aren''t. He''s stable and confident and knows what he wants out of life - and he probably didn''t know that as well 5 or 10 years ago.

It''s a little weird that he''s got friends with 9 year old kids while my friends have just started to marry within the last couple of years; or when he makes a cultural reference that I don''t get because it was ''before my time'' (but that stuff''s great to tease each other about); or when I do go out with classmates and BF feels like he''s "babysitting". But that stuff rarely comes up.

Anyway, yeah - so, it will get better as you get older and people who made rude comments are just that - rude - and you shouldn''t put too much effort into pleasing them. If you''re happy, that''s what matters. I wouldn''t recommend dignifying their answers with a response, but you could always just tell them he''s really, REALLY immature & you''re a child genius, so you''re on the same level emotionally and intellectually.
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Sorry I don''t have better advice. I hope you get to the point where all the posters above me have gotten - that of not caring what the other people think!!
 
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