Last family vacation?

[meresal]

I''m just looking for opinions...

FI and his family are going to Vegas for a post Christmas celebration. His mom explained the trip as "One last vacation with just the kids, because after the wedding next year, M(me) will always be there." I didn''t really think about it, and it sounded all right to me. However, whenever I tell people our holiday plans, their mouths drop.

Am I being completely dense here? Would this bother you?

 

[cammy85]

I don''t think the intentions are all that odd, personally (I mean what works for you or that you''re cool with may not work for someone else anyway) but I think if that''s the way she stated it, that''s what strikes the odd chord with me. I don''t know whether she meant it that way or not, but to state it the way she did, this is what i hear..."well once he''s married you''re going to have to come too... *heavy pained sigh*"

I don''t think there''s anything wrong with one last family vacation with the kids or anything, it just rubs me the wrong way the way it was said, i guess.

 

[neatfreak]

I think she means well...but if she phrased it the way you did that is what is a bit odd. But this is the slightly nutty woman anyway right? I wouldn''t worry about it, I don''t think she means anything bad by it.

 

[ash313]

I''m with neatfreak. She probably doesn''t mean anything by it, although the language she used was probably not the most sensitive.

My immediate family is VERY close (3 younger brothers, mom and dad) and, while we wouldn''t take a vacation without my FI, there are times when he''s not around, and neither is my brother''s SO, and it''s sort of a nice throwback to the days before there were "others." That was probably really confusing. That''s all to say I get the sentiment, although wouldn''t necessarily take the action your FMIL is taking with the family vacation.

 

[meresal]

Thanks for your input. That's how I feel. To be honest, I really think that she meant it in the sincerest way possible. When I think about having kids, I would probably want to do the same thing. You've raised these kids for over 20 years, what's wrong with one last family only vacation before the first gets married?? ya know??
I was just taken aback, that 100% of the reactions when I tell people, is shock.

I'm sure every one of us would love to think that our In Laws can no longer imagine what life was like before WE we came along!!
"A family tip without "M"?? Ohh, how could we?!?!"

Maybe once we have kids...

 

[cbs102]

Date: 12/17/2008 10:48:49 AM
Author: meresal
Thanks for your input. That''s how I feel. To be honest, I really think that she meant it in the sincerest way possible. When I think about having kids, I would probably want to do the same thing. You''ve raised these kids for over 20 years, what''s wrong with one last family only vacation before the first gets married?? ya know??
I was just taken aback, that 100% of the reactions when I tell people, is shock.

I''m sure every one of us would love to think that our In Laws can no longer imagine what life was like before WE we came along!!
''A family tip without ''M''?? Ohh, how could we?!?!''

Maybe once we have kids...

Mer,
I feel like this is how they should react.. you are engaged now.. you are not ''some girlfriend'', so although her thought process might not be mean and evil.. i was certainly shocked by it,.. and knowing me and how sensitive i am- would have been p*ssed!

 

[Dreamgirl]

I actually think that is a great idea. (I'm all about family) Things will be different once the two of you are married....

 

[Shoopy]

I''m with NF that it depends on the way it was said.

If she said ''I want a family vacation before she has to go with us'' then that''s a little odd.

But if its one last family vacation with her boys it wouldn''t bother me.

Besides, you have a really good relationshp with her right?

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 12/17/2008 12:07:37 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 12/17/2008 10:48:49 AM
Author: meresal
Thanks for your input. That''s how I feel. To be honest, I really think that she meant it in the sincerest way possible. When I think about having kids, I would probably want to do the same thing. You''ve raised these kids for over 20 years, what''s wrong with one last family only vacation before the first gets married?? ya know??
I was just taken aback, that 100% of the reactions when I tell people, is shock.

I''m sure every one of us would love to think that our In Laws can no longer imagine what life was like before WE we came along!!
''A family tip without ''M''?? Ohh, how could we?!?!''

Maybe once we have kids...

Mer,
I feel like this is how they should react.. you are engaged now.. you are not ''some girlfriend'', so although her thought process might not be mean and evil.. i was certainly shocked by it,.. and knowing me and how sensitive i am- would have been p*ssed!

I guess I could see it both ways...for me personally though, I completely agree with cbs. Neither FI''s nor my family would think to take a vacation without including the serious BFs or GFs. But maybe we''re weird that way!

 

[mayachel]

If overall you have a good relationship with her, and it didn''t initially strike you as odd that she would like some time with her sons, I wouldn''t give it too much worry.

Without knowing your exact social situation, I think it''s somewhat true that mother''s "loose" their sons. Not for good, and not completely depending on the child, but they have devoted a lot of time and energy to raising their children and I think that our society views marriage as an end to that time period.

I think you should also plan something special to do for yourself during that time frame. With your own family, or with close friends. ''Cause, ya know next year you''ll have to include him in all your plans

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/17/2008 12:07:37 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 12/17/2008 10:48:49 AM
Author: meresal
Thanks for your input. That''s how I feel. To be honest, I really think that she meant it in the sincerest way possible. When I think about having kids, I would probably want to do the same thing. You''ve raised these kids for over 20 years, what''s wrong with one last family only vacation before the first gets married?? ya know??
I was just taken aback, that 100% of the reactions when I tell people, is shock.

I''m sure every one of us would love to think that our In Laws can no longer imagine what life was like before WE we came along!!
''A family tip without ''M''?? Ohh, how could we?!?!''

Maybe once we have kids...

Mer,
I feel like this is how they should react.. you are engaged now.. you are not ''some girlfriend'', so although her thought process might not be mean and evil.. i was certainly shocked by it,.. and knowing me and how sensitive i am- would have been p*ssed!

Hey there cbs

!!
Yours and sunnyd''s reaction is the one that I have been getting from everyone. (BTW... congrats Sunny!!!) It made me think I was brushing something off. I''ve never dated the eldest of the family before, so I guess I just thought it was something that would be pretty common. The one thing I do appreciate, is that she is doing it over the holiday while I go see my family, as opposed to just leaving me back at home, by myself for a weekend in the middle of March. If that makes sense?

Also, cbs if you remember, I had told you how I like going back to places where FI and his ex had visited, so that we could replace his memories with better ones of us. Well, Hawaii is the last place on the list, and I was morified when she almost thought of going there for their "last trip". I''m so excited that they are only going to Vegas, and I will get to go along on the Hawaii trip, probably in 2010. She even pointed that out to FI, and he was pleased.

Dreamgirl... I''m going to hold you to that!!

Fiery: We have a pretty good relationship. The only time there is tension, is when I feel she is overstepping into our relationship. BUT to be honest, that is just as much my FI''s fault for still relying on his parents for tons of things. It definitely wasn''t a "has to go", but more of a "will be coming". I''m sure she said it in a poitive light... at least that is how I heard the story from FI. Maybe that is why I didn''t really think anything of it??

 

[cbs102]

Date: 12/17/2008 1:23:37 PM
Author: meresal

Hey there cbs

!!
Yours and sunnyd''s reaction is the one that I have been getting from everyone. (BTW... congrats Sunny!!!) It made me think I was brushing something off. I''ve never dated the eldest of the family before, so I guess I just thought it was something that would be pretty common. The one thing I do appreciate, is that she is doing it over the holiday while I go see my family, as opposed to just leaving me back at home, by myself for a weekend in the middle of March. If that makes sense?

Also, cbs if you remember, I had told you how I like going back to places where FI and his ex had visited, so that we could replace his memories with better ones of us. Well, Hawaii is the last place on the list, and I was morified when she almost thought of going there for their ''last trip''. I''m so excited that they are only going to Vegas, and I will get to go along on the Hawaii trip, probably in 2010. She even pointed that out to FI, and he was pleased.

Dreamgirl... I''m going to hold you to that!!

Fiery: We have a pretty good relationship. The only time there is tension, is when I feel she is overstepping into our relationship. BUT to be honest, that is just as much my FI''s fault for still relying on his parents for tons of things. It definitely wasn''t a ''has to go'', but more of a ''will be coming''. I''m sure she said it in a poitive light... at least that is how I heard the story from FI. Maybe that is why I didn''t really think anything of it??

mer-
i do remember you saying that.. and that bit of advice helps me on a daily basis..believe you me! i also remember your MIL and the NY trip... i often got the feeling that she was trying to exclude you from everything. If i were you, i would feel hurt and left out...but again, this is you and if you did not feel threatened by her saying this than it is what it is... besides, i think Hawaii is a MUCH better trip than vegas!!!

 

[marchswallowbird]

I can see this from both sides; on one hand, mom wanting one last vacation with just her boys, which I interpret as one last chance to have them all to herself as their mom. This could be her way of saying "goodbye" to one phase of her family''s life, and to begin "letting go" before her sons begin breaking away to start their own families. On the other hand, she is excluding a person who is going to become part of the family. If this were me, it would bother me, since I consider FI and myself to be a package deal now that we are engaged. But, Meresal, this is about YOU. If it DOESN''T bother you, don''t let people tell you it should! You know your FI''s family best, and what his mom''s meaning/intentions were, and your feelings reflect that. Don''t second guess yourself.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think it''s a little odd that you were purposely excluded from a trip, but not a big deal if you''re fine with it. Since it''s at Christmas time, it''s reasonable to assume that you want to spend this last holiday season with your own family. I will be with my family by myself for Christmas, and I''m kind of glad about it... one last Christmas of everyone wearing pajamas, no bras, being lazy. I''d be happy to have my fiance there with us on Christmas morning, but it''s also nice to have it like old times one more time. I''m going to meet up with him at his parents'' house the weekend after Christmas. Once we''re married, however, I will not spend a holiday without him (unless he''s deployed) because he''ll be my family then.

 

[Elmorton]

A friend of mine did this with her family - however, there were 3 differences:

1) Her parents had never liked her fiance (openly when they were dating, pretended to like him once they were engaged)
2) The vacation spot was to the location of my friend's destination wedding, and wedding planning was occurring over the trip. Her fiance had never been there.
3) Her fiance was livid that he wasn't invited. My friend thought he was being "selfish."

In that case, I sided with my friend's fiance. It seriously seemed like an excuse for my friend's parents to take a trip without the poor guy. And, since the wedding stuff was going on, I think it was extra rude that he wasn't there.

I don't know how I feel about it in general, though. I'm an only child, so I think my parents and I felt like 24 years together was probably sufficient before letting DH into the family. My parents couldn't wait to have DH along. If they would have said they wanted a trip sans DH, I think it would have sent alarms off in our heads. For example, recently, my extended family was trying to plan a holiday gathering, and my cousin wanted to change the date from a day where DH was off to a day that he wasn't (because she had NFL tickets). My dad told me that he understood completely if I stayed home in protest because my DH had basically been singled out as his schedule being less important than "real family." My parents basically just expect that we're a 2-for-1 deal - and it's been that way since before DH ever asked for my parents' blessing. That said, maybe my family is the extreme in the way that they view partnerships.

My friend, on the other hand, is the oldest of four (the youngest two were a freshman in college and a senior in HS) - so yes, the family dynamic changes a lot when one kid gets married - you feel like everyone is no longer kids. I can see why they wanted to do that - but because of their previous relationship with her fiance AND the fact that they were wedding planning, I thought it seemed really weird.

I think bottom line though is that if you are comfortable with it, then you're comfortable with it. Every family acts differently, and as long as your FMIL isn't planning this because of some personal vendetta, then it sounds like everything is fine. Besides, there are so many issues with mothers not wanting to "let go," that if FMIL sees this as a symbolic cutting of strings, then that's probably much healthier than what others may be inferring about the trip.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/17/2008 1:44:56 PM
Author: cbs102
mer-
i do remember you saying that.. and that bit of advice helps me on a daily basis..believe you me! i also remember your MIL and the NY trip... i often got the feeling that she was trying to exclude you from everything. If i were you, i would feel hurt and left out...but again, this is you and if you did not feel threatened by her saying this than it is what it is... besides, i think Hawaii is a MUCH better trip than vegas!!!

I'm glad you remember it. I, self admittedly, need to try harder to remember that everyday C and I are making memories. Wedding planning can cause unhealthy stresses.

Yes, the planning stages of the NYC trip, or lack there of in the beginning, were hurtful. I do agree with what you are saying because I have felt pushed away, many times. She actually tried to make that trip a "last trip for siblings to hang out together" trip. However, I got my ring, and C has let me know that those are things I will never need to worry about again. My biggest issue, was my concern that she was trying to keep C and I from being together, and now that we're engaged, I feel like she has accepted the fact that her oldest son is growing up.

I think the fact that she is accepting that I will be around in 2010, is a small battle won

 

[cbs102]

Date: 12/17/2008 2:21:24 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/17/2008 1:44:56 PM
Author: cbs102
mer-
i do remember you saying that.. and that bit of advice helps me on a daily basis..believe you me! i also remember your MIL and the NY trip... i often got the feeling that she was trying to exclude you from everything. If i were you, i would feel hurt and left out...but again, this is you and if you did not feel threatened by her saying this than it is what it is... besides, i think Hawaii is a MUCH better trip than vegas!!!

I''m glad you remember it. I, self admittedly, need to try harder to remember that everyday C and I are making memories. Wedding planning can cause unhealthy stresses.

Yes, the planning stages of the NYC trip, or lack there of in the beginning, were hurtful. I do agree with what you are saying because I have felt pushed away, many times. She actually tried to make that trip a ''last trip for siblings to hang out together'' trip. However, I got my ring, and C has let me know that those are things I will never need to worry about again. My biggest issue, was my concern that she was trying to keep C and I from being together, and now that we''re engaged, I feel like she has accepted the fact that her oldest son is growing up.

I think the fact that she is accepting that I will be around in 2010, is a small battle won

YES! and its HAWAII!! FUNNN!!!!

 

[Sparkalicious]

Hey Meresal - Strangely enough I didn''t think that there was any offense to take at all and that it made sense.
Although I can see where others might take offense given the way it was worded, I personally don''t think that that was the intention.

In other words - don''t think that you are dense at all.

 

[laurel25]

I think it''s totally fine and completely understandable. WI occasionally go home to MI to visit family without Mr.L, we have a great time just having it be our nuclear family and no SO''s. My family loves Mr.L (they''ve known him for like 12 years) and think he''s just perfect for me, but we do enjoy just having family time, so I can completely get where your FMIL is coming from.

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/17/2008 2:52:51 PM
Author: Sparkalicious
Hey Meresal - Strangely enough I didn''t think that there was any offense to take at all and that it made sense.

Although I can see where others might take offense given the way it was worded, I personally don''t think that that was the intention.



In other words - don''t think that you are dense at all.

I agree. I went on a last family trip with just my family and D didn''t care and if he wanted to do the same with his parents then that''s fine with me. I can totally understand his mother wanting to do that. I wouldn''t take offence to it at all. D''s parents have welcomed me with open arms and are brilliant to me, but there''s still nothing like a break with the people that I grew up with.

 

[JSM]

I think it totally depends on the situation and family dynamic, but I personally would be very uncomfortable with it. I''m the oldest of four and will be the first to marry, but my parents wouldn''t dream of having a family vacation without my fiance there - they love him. Heck, my little brother''s fiancee is always welcome, too (and they don''t like her very much!). Bottom line - we are family now.

I can totally see my fiance''s family trying to exclude me, though. It''s like an omnipresent competition for his affections, which is goofy IMO. He is very close to his mom and sister; I understand that he was the ''man'' of the house for so many years, and they depend on him heavily, but I don''t understand why that means I need to be excluded (or resented when I am present).

Plus, he visits his family without me at times, and I do the same with my family (both require hours of car time). But holidays and vacations - we are together.

If it doesn''t bother you, then I love the idea of going out with friends and people you would like to see as well! It sounds like fun!

 

[musey]

Date: 12/17/2008 9:58:19 AM
Author:meresal
whenever I tell people our holiday plans, their mouths drop.

....why?? Because you're not spending the holiday together? I don't get it. You're not married yet, and even if you were, who says you have to spend all holidays together if both partners are okay with not doing that?

Am I being completely dense here? Would this bother you?

It either bothers you or it doesn't, don't TRY to be bothered by something if you're okay with it

I would personally be a little bummed by not getting to go on such a fun trip, but wouldn't feel entitled to be included (for the record, I've been invited on all of my husband's "family trips" since the day we met). I think everyone views things differently, though, as to me being engaged is "almost family but not quite yet" where others view that as sealing the deal, family-wise. Every family is different, and even if they love you and would of course want you along, it could be sort of the principle of the thing, you know?