le (longish) update

[rainbowtrout]

Hey all....
So, I will hopefully be back in on the workouts sooner rather than later. The doc did a bunch of rather unpleasant tests about the stomach thing and I will know in a few days if it is 1) stomach flu 2) "something you brought back from Morocco (ick!!!) or 3) something from the raw milk I buy from the P. Dutch (ick!!!)


She absolutely SHAMED me about the raw milk. I''m not kidding, she closed her eyes and said "Shhh....I''m trying to remember my infectious diseases fellowship."

I don''t know; I started drinking it bc it really helps my allergies and they have pretty strict liscensing req''s...well, hopefully it is nothing too wierd.

The good news is I CAN EAT!!! I''m not kidding, I ate an entire meal yesterday. WhooHooo!!!! I didn''t eat for basically 5 days, it was really not a good time...blech. I came out of this not understanding how anyone,ever is anorexic. I mean, how can you eat that little, function, study, and EXERCIZE?????

The other problem is that I am having MAJOR freaksout sessions about The Rest of My Life. I know, I know, there is nothing I can do about it, all the apps are in, I should look for a job for a back up...I just want to get into grad school so badly. I don''t really want to work for the NSA either, which is my best bet for employment.

It just hit me that I''ll know in a month, and no matter what I do I won''t be with Ari at all next year, he is probably getting a policy job in DC for 1-2 ys (the london thing didn''t work out).

We''ve agreed for a long time that the first year to two years after college we might have to just take as it comes in order to have an easier time of being together later. It just hit me after being a total bitch for a day about wanting to get engaged sooner rather than later--

Being engaged isn''t changing the fact that we''re not seeing other much next year. I don''t know WHY it matters to me. i think I thought somewhere that if we were engaged being apart would be easier? What universe is my subconscious working in???? It shouldn''t matter.

I almost wish we hadn''t lived together this year because it has been so great, and I love having him around...at least we are used to being apart for 4-5 mos during the summer each year, but that''s the longest its ever been in 8 years. I know you guys who have long distance relationships must be rolling your eyes about now.

It''s just from here on out I have no idea when we will be together again or how much cost to both of our dreams of what we want to d with our lives being together will cost us. Hopefully it will all work out. I just don''t want to get married if he is at med school at UAB and I am at grad school on the NEast coast! (this is one of my worst case scenarios...)

As far as the engagement goes, I have no idea when he''s doing it. Probably after graduation? I still have a tiny shred of hope he''s doing it at his grandparents 60th anniversay in March. We''ll see.

OK, sorry for the whiny update

I''d appreciate it if you guys could let me know how you handled this period in your lives...

 

[anchor31]

Dear rainbowtrout - First, I''m sorry to hear your having problems with your health. I hope things get better soon.

I am in a long-distance relationship. In fact, for the whole 2½ years we''ve been together and the 8 additional months dating as friends, we have been long-distance: about an hour from each other for 1½ year while I was in CÉGEP (sort of like two freshman years in the province of Québec) and 5-6 hours since January 2005 because I left for university. But I certainly haven''t rolled me eyes at your situation at all. I know how hard it is and I understand how you feel about it. Just like you and your boyfriend, it''s terribly hard for J and I to be apart for months at a time, but we know how much my education is important for my future. I''m struggling with a transfer decision because it turns out I don''t like this college and I''m thinking about changing concentration within my major, but that''s another story. Neither of us are certain where my school/our jobs will take us in the future, but we''re hoping that it''ll be close to home in the Montreal region, and that we''ll be together.

To be honest, I went through the same "why do I want to be engaged sooner than later" self-doubting phase just a few days ago. I suddenly felt like I had pressured J into proposing to me this year and I felt really bad about it. I asked myself why I wanted him to propose so badly if we can''t get married before at least two more years, especially if he felt pressured into it and would rather have waited another year!!

So I called him and told him that since the summer I felt like I''d said and done things that might have made him feel pressured into proposing this year and I was sorry, and if he''d rather wait longer it was fine. He sounded very confused and said he wasn''t feeling pressured at all. I told him that I''d been very surprised when he''d told me his 2006 timeframe because when I asked him for that timeframe I was not expecting sooner than 2007. He sounded very surprised at that and reassured me it was what he really wanted. He said he feels he is ready and he wants to commit to me, even if we won''t get married right away. I suppose a long engagement "fits" our relationship as well, as we''ve always taken everything in steps.

I guess what I''m trying to say is talk to flyfisher about your worries about the future. Talk to him about your worries that you may pressured him into it. Communication is key. Maybe flyfisher will be able to comfort you as J did for me.

I wish you success in all your projects and hop that everything will turn out like you want it to.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Oh, trust me...he''s heard it. I sort of broke down last night. I have a hard time keeping it from him if I''m upset.

thanks for the thoughts

 

[rainbowtrout]

he actually pretty much said the same thing your boyfriend did, funny that. But yes, we''ve talked about it, it''s just distressing that there isn''t a lot either of us can do. He is better than I am right now at the stiff upper lip though, I''ve been getting a bit teary randomly...blech..