Legally married and then having wedding?

[Peepa]

What do you guys think about those who get hitched in Vegas or Tahoe, etc and then months or even years later have a "wedding" with the dress, venue, tuxes, flowers, registry, etc? I don''t really care either way but this topic has come up quite a bit in the past few years and I just thought it''d be an interesting topic to start up here.
I mean, if two ppl are married, they''re married. The big party can be an anniversary shindig but a wedding?

 

[gwendolyn]

Well, are ceremonies where people renew their vows considered weddings? That might have something to do with it. Also with their religious beliefs. I know some people who have been married on paper, then had the church wedding because it wasn''t complete for them until they were married before God. So, it depends on the people and the situation, I think.

 

[Peepa]

gwendolyn, no, I don''t think a vow renewal is considered a wedding. And if ppl''s religions don''t accept them as being married if they don''t get married in the church, why not wait to get married in the church?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 3:50:02 PM
Author: Peepa
gwendolyn, no, I don't think a vow renewal is considered a wedding. And if ppl's religions don't accept them as being married if they don't get married in the church, why not wait to get married in the church?

Well, one situation would be like mine, where we're from two different countries and have a mountain of paperwork, interviews and fees to pay out before we're allowed to get married, and so realistically, instead of getting married at home with all my family and friends, I will probably be getting married in some office in the UK because that's where my boyfriend and I currently are living.

I personally wouldn't judge anyone else's situation. There could be any number of personal reasons a couple may do what they do that's frankly no one else's business. If they want to have a big party and call it a wedding, let them! Doesn't hurt me any. Who knows, maybe someday I will be doing the same thing.

 

[someoneelse]

i''ve heard of this more where people go off and have a wedding (often a destination wedding or elopement or small family ceremony) and then have a reception back home so everyone can share in the party. usually with those, though, you don''t have all the bridesmaids and groomsmen because there''s no ceremony in those cases. never heard of it this way, but why not? i''m a big fan of brides and grooms making their wedding exactly how they want, even if it bucks tradition completely.

 

[justjulia]

I had two weddings (same husband!). One large one outdoors and then another a week later at the courthouse. Also had a renewal ceremony in the church years later. All three had officials and carried the same weight as far as "wedding" goes, for us. We were married overseas, which necessitated all of this. (Also, I married a catholic man and I was protestant and wanted to become catholic. Lots of rules there.)

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, in many countries where they take the separation of church and state more seriously than they do in America, you actually can''t get married in your church legally. You have to get married at the city hall first, or as far as the state is concerned, you''re not married. (Think about it: why should priests have legal powers if you really take the separation seriously?)

So, in those countries, having ''two weddings'' is the norm.

So, we had a two-part wedding over the course of two weeks. We like to think of it as one wedding that began with the legal signing and ended with the religious ceremony. It also allowed us to celebrate with both parts of our families without them having to travel (much).

 

[NewEnglandLady]

For me "wedding" and "ceremony" aren''t snynomous--well, I mean, they are, but I do see a difference between them. I feel like a "wedding" is just a designated name for two people celebrating the act of getting married. If a couple decides to have their ceremony in a courthouse or overseas or wherever and then they decide to have a big celebration 6 months or a year later, that''s perfectly fine with me! They can call it a wedding or a "big ol'' tardy celebration to celebrate our commitment", either way I''d show up with a hug and a gift in hand.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:32:45 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Well, in many countries where they take the separation of church and state more seriously than they do in America, you actually can''t get married in your church legally. You have to get married at the city hall first, or as far as the state is concerned, you''re not married. (Think about it: why should priests have legal powers if you really take the separation seriously?)

Aye, from what I''ve read about weddings here in England (and I know Pandora was a doll and talked me through a bunch of it but I''m not sure I remember it all), you first have to be married in the registry office (after declaring a week in advance that you intend to marry). Then, if you want an actual ceremony, there are all kinds of rules on where those are allowed to take place (in a permanent structure, open to the public, etc.). This is why J and I will probably be married on paper first in the registry office, and then...who knows how we will celebrate with family and friends (since I still don''t know how to bridge everyone across the Atlantic).

Also, for what it''s worth, there''s a lovely lady on here who is legally marrying her honey because she is officially engaged. For her it''s just a piece of paper that gives her the legal right to live with the person she loves. She is making it ALL about the ceremony afterwards. I really admire her for that! I think that takes a lot of strength.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:41:19 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/5/2008 4:32:45 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Well, in many countries where they take the separation of church and state more seriously than they do in America, you actually can''t get married in your church legally. You have to get married at the city hall first, or as far as the state is concerned, you''re not married. (Think about it: why should priests have legal powers if you really take the separation seriously?)

Aye, from what I''ve read about weddings here in England (and I know Pandora was a doll and talked me through a bunch of it but I''m not sure I remember it all), you first have to be married in the registry office (after declaring a week in advance that you intend to marry). Then, if you want an actual ceremony, there are all kinds of rules on where those are allowed to take place (in a permanent structure, open to the public, etc.). This is why J and I will probably be married on paper first in the registry office, and then...who knows how we will celebrate with family and friends (since I still don''t know how to bridge everyone across the Atlantic).

Also, for what it''s worth, there''s a lovely lady on here who is legally marrying her honey because she is officially engaged. For her it''s just a piece of paper that gives her the legal right to live with the person she loves. She is making it ALL about the ceremony afterwards. I really admire her for that! I think that takes a lot of strength.

You can have a church wedding without the registry office ceremony here in England. Some churches require that you give notice to marry in the registry office but you actually get married in church. You have to give 3 weeks notice unless you obtain a special licence.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:45:20 PM
Author: Maisie
You can have a church wedding without the registry office ceremony here in England. Some churches require that you give notice to marry in the registry office but you actually get married in church. You have to give 3 weeks notice unless you obtain a special licence.

3 weeks? Really? Is it always 3 weeks, or is that only if you intend on marrying in a church? (I didn''t look at the church stuff since J and I aren''t going to be married in a church regardless.)

 

[ericad]

Add me to the "3 Wedding Club"

DH is French, and there was an immigration law expiring right after our wedding back in ''97. Because there wasn''t time to get all the paperwork filed between the wedding day and leaving for our honeymoon, we married at the county courthouse approx 10 days prior to our wedding day (wedding #1). We filed all the docs with immigration, and had our formal wedding (wedding #2) as planned (no one except my parents knew about the courthouse wedding). Then, a year later, my MIL gave us a wedding in France (wedding #3), since none of DH''s friends or family could attend wedding #2. All 3 weddings were legal, and we consider wedding #2 to be our wedding and anniversary date. To be honest, I don''t even recall the exact date of wedding #1!

 

[justjulia]

Ericad, Your post made me laugh because we are the same way! We have those first two dates and really honor the first big one. HOWEVER, I have been known to milk it for all its worth, with the sentiment! Especially since the first ones were in May and June and the renewal was closer to Christmas. It''s anniversary time all the time at our house! ha ha

Actually, we had to have our names nailed to a community tree before the courthouse wedding, which technically gave the community the opportunity to protest or say we were already married to other people, etc. (At that time, we were in the Peace Corps, many moons ago...)

 

[Maisie]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:50:53 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/5/2008 4:45:20 PM
Author: Maisie
You can have a church wedding without the registry office ceremony here in England. Some churches require that you give notice to marry in the registry office but you actually get married in church. You have to give 3 weeks notice unless you obtain a special licence.

3 weeks? Really? Is it always 3 weeks, or is that only if you intend on marrying in a church? (I didn''t look at the church stuff since J and I aren''t going to be married in a church regardless.)

I just read up on my local registry office website to be sure I was right.

If its a civil ceremony its 15 days. I was a bit wrong but not far off lol!

Here is the link:

http://www.newcastle.gov.uk/core.nsf/a/marriages?opendocument

 

[Rhea]

I see nothing wrong with having the wedding ceremony after being legally married. I wanted to do this because I wanted the wedding that suits us rather that our semi-rushed immigration induced wedding. DH''s ideas are more in line with yours though.

To me, there are times when you must, for one reason or another, get married without a proper celebration. There is nothing wrong with celebrating at a later date and calling it whatever you want to call it - wedding, anniversary party, vow renewal.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 5:13:20 PM
Author: Maisie

Date: 5/5/2008 4:50:53 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/5/2008 4:45:20 PM

Author: Maisie

You can have a church wedding without the registry office ceremony here in England. Some churches require that you give notice to marry in the registry office but you actually get married in church. You have to give 3 weeks notice unless you obtain a special licence.

3 weeks? Really? Is it always 3 weeks, or is that only if you intend on marrying in a church? (I didn''t look at the church stuff since J and I aren''t going to be married in a church regardless.)

I just read up on my local registry office website to be sure I was right.


If its a civil ceremony its 15 days. I was a bit wrong but not far off lol!


Here is the link:


http://www.newcastle.gov.uk/core.nsf/a/marriages?opendocument

So we split the difference! I thought it was one week, you said three, and it''s two (and a day).

Good to know! Thanks for the link, babe! Maybe this time I will remember it.

 

[Maisie]

You are welcome

 

[Rhea]

Date: 5/5/2008 6:13:41 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/5/2008 5:13:20 PM

Author: Maisie

Date: 5/5/2008 4:50:53 PM


Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/5/2008 4:45:20 PM


Author: Maisie


You can have a church wedding without the registry office ceremony here in England. Some churches require that you give notice to marry in the registry office but you actually get married in church. You have to give 3 weeks notice unless you obtain a special licence.

3 weeks? Really? Is it always 3 weeks, or is that only if you intend on marrying in a church? (I didn''t look at the church stuff since J and I aren''t going to be married in a church regardless.)

I just read up on my local registry office website to be sure I was right.



If its a civil ceremony its 15 days. I was a bit wrong but not far off lol!



Here is the link:



http://www.newcastle.gov.uk/core.nsf/a/marriages?opendocument

So we split the difference! I thought it was one week, you said three, and it''s two (and a day).

Good to know! Thanks for the link, babe! Maybe this time I will remember it.

And, um, since you''re not a citizen remember the COA if you don''t have a fiancée''s visa.

I was on a fiancée''s visa and did the 14 days residence and then went to apply showing my stamp in my passport as proof of my residence. We didn''t realise how crowded it would be and that we actually needed an appointment to give notice. It was all very confusing and we almost missed getting our wedding date (but someone felt sorry for us at the registry office and slotted us in to give notice). It''s more complex than it would have been in the US.

/end hijack!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 6:35:46 PM
Author: Addy
And, um, since you''re not a citizen remember the COA if you don''t have a fiancée''s visa.


I was on a fiancée''s visa and did the 14 days residence and then went to apply showing my stamp in my passport as proof of my residence. We didn''t realise how crowded it would be and that we actually needed an appointment to give notice. It was all very confusing and we almost missed getting our wedding date (but someone felt sorry for us at the registry office and slotted us in to give notice). It''s more complex than it would have been in the US.


/end hijack!

/resume hijack!

Hmm, if it''s more complicated for us to get married in the UK then in the US, then maybe we will get married in the US. By this point next year, we should have lived together for almost a year (10 months, probably), so we''ll know if we''re getting married or not. If it''s less hassle to do it in the US, we might just have him apply for a fiance visa for the US and then get married there, at home! That would be awesome. Then we could maybe get married and celebrate on the same day!

/end hijack again!

 

[Rhea]

And, um, to make the news potentially even better if you''re serious about getting married in the US. Your partner doesn''t (currently) need a visa to get married there. Just proof that he''s leaving and not planning to settle - like a plane ticket, letter from employer, lease agreement, etc.

Actually, not I''m not entirely the COA would apply to you and I may just have confused you for no reason: http://www.ind.homeoffice.gov.uk/visitingtheuk/gettingmarried/certificateofapproval/

/end hijack yet again!

 

[MustangGal]

I just helped by friend''s daughter plan their belated wedding celebration. They got married quickly before he was shipped of to Iraq, and did it all over again over a year later. I was OK with the idea, but I think they took it a little too far. They had a bachlor and bachlorette party, and she had a bridal shower as well as a rehersal dinner and all the normal wedding things. It seemed like it was just a little too far for a couple that had already been married over a year.

My mom and step dad did a vow renewal and party for their 25th. They got married officially in the catholic church and only invited close family to that part, then had a bunch of friends over for the party. It was really nice and wasn''t a re-enactment type fake wedding.

 

[Peepa]

MustangGal, that is what I think too. If a couple has already been married for awhile, the "wedding" they have seems almost like they are forcing things. I mean, everyone knows they''ve been married for awhile. With that said, I really don''t care. I''ll still go and have a good time but it just doesn''t feel right.

 

[erica k]

my friend is having three weddings beginning in june. they''re both american citizens, but her father has spent most of his adult life working in various consulates in south america and her mother is originally from paraguay. there''s also the tricky issue of religions.

so, wedding #1 will be a jewish ceremony. wedding #2 will be ''pagan'' (i.e. non-religious). wedding #3 will take place in paraguay and will be a catholic ceremony. the whole process will take nearly two months (lots of traveling!), and very few of the guest will attend more than one ceremony, so it should make for lots of fun and merriment.

 

[Blair138]

Date: 5/5/2008 7:19:40 PM
Author: MustangGal
I just helped by friend''s daughter plan their belated wedding celebration. They got married quickly before he was shipped of to Iraq, and did it all over again over a year later. I was OK with the idea, but I think they took it a little too far. They had a bachlor and bachlorette party, and she had a bridal shower as well as a rehersal dinner and all the normal wedding things. It seemed like it was just a little too far for a couple that had already been married over a year.

I see nothing wrong with being already married, ESPECIALLY if you are from different countries, BUT just like MustangGal, BF and I have friends who got married 2 years ago in a church ceremony complete with reception and all the hoopla. The bride was a BRIDEZILLA, I can''t even begin to list all the crazy things she did that night, but we actually thought she wouldn''t show up on the morning of the wedding-that''s how crazy she was. We come to find out last year-THEY WERE ALREADY MARRIED and didn''t tell anyone about it-not even his parents. Only her mom knew. Their reasoning was insurance

. So seriously, as long as you''re not masquerading it as your ''real'' wedding, I don''t think it''s a problem.

 

[elle_chris]

My husband and I eloped in vegas because his family lives in europe and trying to get everyone to the states was taking awhile. We didn''t want to wait and decided we would do the real wedding when everyone was able to come that winter.

The only people that knew about our eloping were my parents.
The big "wedding" didn''t work out because my grandmother died the weekend we got married and my mother decided not to tell me until we got back. She knew I''d take the next flight to NY and I''d call off the whole thing. The whole experience is bitter sweet and since i most defintely was NOT in the wedding mood, we called the big wedding off (and lost a bunch of money).

We kept pushing it off and off and now, almost 4 years later- I won''t do it.

I think it depends on the people though and i definitely agree that if the couple''s already married, they should let their guests know. Other than that, to each their own and just be happy for them.

 

[Elmorton]

We had two weddings, and actually, one of my close friends had two weddings this past summer, too.

We had a large (what was going to be a) civil ceremony (and ended up being officiated by a friend who was ordained over the internet - we wrote the ceremony with no mention of God specifically) in June. It was the typical wedding - rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids, a hundred people, etc.

Then in July, we had a church blessing. I wore the dress again, had my closest religious friend as my MoH, DH also chose a close Christian friend as his BM as his BM at wedding 1 was Jewish - sortof like our wedding godparents, I guess. We invited a bunch of people from my parents'' church, their friends (wedding 1 was in DH''s hometown an hour away and we tried to keep it small), and had a cake and champagne reception. We had a rehearsal for it, and we took our "wedding party" (the 4 friends that came back into town) out to dinner - for Mexican food, if I remember right It was much more low key, but totally a second wedding if you ask me. The one major change - while my priest did refer to me as my unmarried name, it was sortof a mismash of a renewal and a blessing (because our first wedding was technically a christian wedding), and DH and I walked down the aisle together rather than having my dad escort me again. I felt like I should only do that once.

My friend got married in Mexico - they took 60 people down there so it wasn''t a small affair.

Then she had a reception in our hometown (350+) - it was literally the exact same as a wedding reception, just no ceremony (though there was a video running on a loop in the lobby). Everyone was wearing their clothes again, all the BMs and groomsmen wore their garb, there were toasts, cake cutting, the whole shebang. It felt like a wedding reception but sortof anti-climactic.

I don''t have a problem with multiple weddings, as long as the couple in no way expects everyone to participate twice, yanno? I think a person could get kinda bridezilla about it, but there are plenty of situations that can arise where you want to celebrate with different groups, and that''s fine.

 

[hairgirl95]

I think multiple weddings is a very complicated subject. I have had 2 weddings, but different grooms

The first wedding was a big hoopla event--church, fancy dress, sit down dinner, dance, live band, blah blah blah. The second wedding to my now husband was a civil ceremony at the courthouse. I did wear a wedding dress, he wore a tux, we dragged 30 or so of our closest friends and family, and then had a big party at our house that same evening. Honestly, the civil ceremony was more enjoyable for me, but thats my opinion.

As for multiple weddings for the same couple, I think one has to filter out WHY there are multiple "events" to marry a couple. Filter out people who have different religions, who are from different countries, who are dealing with visas, oversea travel, and other countries and continents rules. Those are *exceptional* circumstances, and you have to follow certain protocols. It is totally understandable to have multiple formalities and ceremonies to formally "hitch" yourself to your betrothed.

Now, its the OTHER side of the fence that kind of makes my hair stand on end. People who get married in a civil ceremony for insurance reasons, because they were in Vegas and felt "moved" to do it, got a wild hair and eloped one weekend, and THEN plan a big fancy ceremony complete with all the wedding trimmings, those situations kind of make me mad. If something necessitates getting married BEFORE a "dream wedding" can be planned, then be content with the civil ceremony, have a celebratory party, and go on with it. Passing off a church wedding as your actual wedding when you already made it legal at the Little White Chapel in Vegas is to me, kind of being dishonest with the guests attending the church wedding. I think it makes the couple look a little greedy. I have attended a couple of weddings like this--in one situation the couple was married a month prior to the church wedding, and the other was a year prior. I knew one of them was already "married" before I attended the wedding. The other, I did not. I felt like the big ceremony was just an opportunity to get gifts. One of the brides even said as much.

Sorry, jumping off my soapbox. Everyone has their own perspective and perogative, but really, you only HAVE 1 wedding day, whether you do it at a church or at the courthouse. Passing off a church wedding as the only ceremony to unite two people that love each other when they already had a civil ceremony is,in my, perspective starting the "public" marriage based on a lie.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 6:55:40 PM
Author: Addy
And, um, to make the news potentially even better if you''re serious about getting married in the US. Your partner doesn''t (currently) need a visa to get married there. Just proof that he''s leaving and not planning to settle - like a plane ticket, letter from employer, lease agreement, etc.

Wait, I''m confused. If we get married in the US, he would not be leaving. He would be staying. We would be settling down together in the US. So, we can get married in the US if he doesn''t stay in the US with me? Is that what you''re saying?

Author: Addy
Actually, not I''m not entirely the COA would apply to you and I may just have confused you for no reason: http://www.ind.homeoffice.gov.uk/visitingtheuk/gettingmarried/certificateofapproval/


/end hijack yet again!

No, I''m pretty sure it does. I don''t think I''ll be here long enough to be considered "settled," and I''d be on some sort of a work visa (not sure how long). If it''s 3 years to be considered a resident of the UK (does settled = resident?), and if I can get a visa for another 2 years, then maybe it''d be worth J and I living here in the UK for another 2 years instead of 1 if it makes getting married less expensive (it really bothers me, the thought of spending all that money on the COA that just says, ''yup, they''re a real couple''). But, one step at a time! This is all so complicated...

 

[Rhea]

Oh, sorry, I thought you saying to get married in the US but then not live there afterward. If that's the case, he doesn't need a visa to marry. If he gets married and stays then, yes, visa time!

In the UK, if you get married you need a visa or COA whether you stay or not. This is where I think the US is easier to marry in if you're not staying because it's one less visa/COA, less paperwork is always good!

Didn't mean to confuse you. Carry on. Ignore the crazy lady in the corner who is trying to secure a visa and getting slightly paranoid that the bank won't freaking give me the paperwork I need!!! I'll make more sense and be more sane in another few weeks.

(I've spent more on visas than on my e-ring...not that I'm bitter...much)

 

[Elmorton]

Oh - I just remembered something from The Conscious Bride that I wanted to add -

There''s a section in that book where the author seems to suggest that two weddings is a better idea than one. The actual act of marrying is a very intimate (and spiritual) thing, but the elaborate ceremony is often more so for friends, family, social reasons, etc. Couples often dread the wedding ceremony for that reason. The author describes a few situations where couples secretly eloped prior to the ceremony (OR after) to reclaim the intimacy of the vows. I remember one where the couple stole away in a hot air balloon to say their vows that they had written to each other and then went on with the big church wedding (which was the bride''s mother''s vision rather than her own) a week or two later.

While our "big" wedding was very intimate and spiritual for me, I can see how (and I''ve been to several weddings where I think) couples feel detached because of all the fanfare. I can''t tell you how amazing our blessing was - it was almost surreal because of how stress free, beautiful, and effortless it felt as compared to wedding 1. I don''t think I would been happy with either one of our ceremonies on its own - but together, it made the ritual of marriage come full circle for us.