Let the madness begin...

[trillionaire]

...so FI and I set a date for our reception after we elope. It will be the weekend after we elope (privately, just the two of us), and we will honeymoon after the reception, if finances permit (we are trying to buy a house, and that is more important to us than a honeymoon right now)

So we tell my dad the date, and he gets all excited, tells my mom and sister that we're having a traditional wedding on 10/2, and runs with it.

This is not what we have said at all, at any point in time.

My mom and sister are VERY clear that this is a reception/party, which they are fine with, but then my mom has a meltdown about us eloping privately.

Once again, this has NEVER changed or deviated. I've told them for years that I plan to elope. FI wants to have this party, and I know my family wants to be a part of our special time, and this was our compromise in order to meet the needs of everyone. I don't know if I will be able to bear 11 months of grief about this. FI's family is so happy and supportive, so it makes it that much harder to be understanding about my parents pitching fits about our plans.

I'm not a horrible or insensitive person, I know my parents want to be involved and included, and as far as I care, they can have their dream reception, but the vow ceremony, the actual commitment part, is very private and intimate to me (like sex with an audience), and I can't fathom doing it with a bunch of people watching, even family.

K, just needed to vent. Whoooosah.

 

[jeg80]

Just want you to know you aren't alone! I just got engaged and we have planned a private (just him and I) elopement. He wants a big party/reception the weekend after. I would rather save the money for a house but that's another story

Anyway...we already have people giving us a hard time saying "you will change your mind" (about eloping) or "you don't even want your family there?" trying to make us feel guilty. So although I have no advice I just want you to know you I'm right there with you

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 11/27/2009 8:07:01 PM
Author:trillionaire
...so FI and I set a date for our reception after we elope. It will be the weekend after we elope (privately, just the two of us), and we will honeymoon after the reception, if finances permit (we are trying to buy a house, and that is more important to us than a honeymoon right now)

So we tell my dad the date, and he gets all excited, tells my mom and sister that we''re having a traditional wedding on 10/2, and runs with it.

This is not what we have said at all, at any point in time.

My mom and sister are VERY clear that this is a reception/party, which they are fine with, but then my mom has a meltdown about us eloping privately.

Once again, this has NEVER changed or deviated. I''ve told them for years that I plan to elope. FI wants to have this party, and I know my family wants to be a part of our special time, and this was our compromise in order to meet the needs of everyone. I don''t know if I will be able to bear 11 months of grief about this. FI''s family is so happy and supportive, so it makes it that much harder to be understanding about my parents pitching fits about our plans.

I''m not a horrible or insensitive person, I know my parents want to be involved and included, and as far as I care, they can have their dream reception, but the vow ceremony, the actual commitment part, is very private and intimate to me (like sex with an audience), and I can''t fathom doing it with a bunch of people watching, even family.

K, just needed to vent. Whoooosah.

I totally agree with you on it being your day and you should do what you want. I can see that it might be uncomfortable for some people but maybe you could use a different analogy? Weddings are still private and intimate when guests are present and it may just be a difference of opinion but that analogy just made me cringe.

Weddings are a big deal for familes and while you ultimatley have the right to do whatever you want, give your parents some time to digest your plans. Its frustrating that they don''t understand why you want to do what you want to do but that is usually what happens when you deviate from the expected.

 

[princessplease]

Trill, it''s your and FI''s day and you and FI need to do what you want. It''s not like you are completely foregoing a party; you''re just getting married then having a party. In the end, you need to do what makes you and FI happy, and while I can understand your mothers point of view, if that is what you and FI want, then you guys need to do it.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/27/2009 10:47:38 PM
Author: emeraldlover1

Date: 11/27/2009 8:07:01 PM
Author:trillionaire
...so FI and I set a date for our reception after we elope. It will be the weekend after we elope (privately, just the two of us), and we will honeymoon after the reception, if finances permit (we are trying to buy a house, and that is more important to us than a honeymoon right now)

So we tell my dad the date, and he gets all excited, tells my mom and sister that we''re having a traditional wedding on 10/2, and runs with it.

This is not what we have said at all, at any point in time.

My mom and sister are VERY clear that this is a reception/party, which they are fine with, but then my mom has a meltdown about us eloping privately.

Once again, this has NEVER changed or deviated. I''ve told them for years that I plan to elope. FI wants to have this party, and I know my family wants to be a part of our special time, and this was our compromise in order to meet the needs of everyone. I don''t know if I will be able to bear 11 months of grief about this. FI''s family is so happy and supportive, so it makes it that much harder to be understanding about my parents pitching fits about our plans.

I''m not a horrible or insensitive person, I know my parents want to be involved and included, and as far as I care, they can have their dream reception, but the vow ceremony, the actual commitment part, is very private and intimate to me (like sex with an audience), and I can''t fathom doing it with a bunch of people watching, even family.

K, just needed to vent. Whoooosah.

I totally agree with you on it being your day and you should do what you want. I can see that it might be uncomfortable for some people but maybe you could use a different analogy? Weddings are still private and intimate when guests are present and it may just be a difference of opinion but that analogy just made me cringe.

Weddings are a big deal for familes and while you ultimatley have the right to do whatever you want, give your parents some time to digest your plans. Its frustrating that they don''t understand why you want to do what you want to do but that is usually what happens when you deviate from the expected.

LOL, totally agree on the analogy! They both just seem equally unfathomable to me!

... looking for a new analogy.

 

[katamari]

Congrats, Trill, on setting a date!

Your family will get over it, I promise. We involved our immediate families, but that still left behind puzzled grandparents, close aunt/uncles/cousins, best friends, etc. I made some concessions for the reception--like wearing my wedding dress, having a first dance, and toasts--and this satisfied several of our friends and family who were hesitant about the idea of separating the marriage from the celebration of the marriage. Now, people refer to the reception as my "wedding" and, three months out, I think I am the only one who remembers that anyone was ever upset about it.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/28/2009 11:23:29 AM
Author: katamari
Congrats, Trill, on setting a date!

Your family will get over it, I promise. We involved our immediate families, but that still left behind puzzled grandparents, close aunt/uncles/cousins, best friends, etc. I made some concessions for the reception--like wearing my wedding dress, having a first dance, and toasts--and this satisfied several of our friends and family who were hesitant about the idea of separating the marriage from the celebration of the marriage. Now, people refer to the reception as my 'wedding' and, three months out, I think I am the only one who remembers that anyone was ever upset about it.

Thanks Katamari!

I think my vision is much like yours. Everyone can have their dances, I don't mind wearing the white dress, toasts, what-have you. I can be as wedding-esque as anyone likes, just minus the vow ceremony. I was thinking a short white dress for the reception, but I could wear a traditional one if it was important to my family. (I plan to TTD with the original dress, which will be something inexpensive off the rack) Honestly, as long as we do our vows privately, I am perfectly willing to accomodate what other people want FOR us. I'm not trying to rob my family of a wedding experience, I swear, I'm trying to be accomodating, lol. (though, if given the choice, I would forego it all!) This would all be easy if we were from the same area. We could elope, then have everyone else meet us that same day for a big partay!

I totally think that people are going to feel weird about it before hand, but afterwards, who ever attends will feel like they went to a wedding after all. At least, that's what I hope! The weird thing is, if we just had a wedding ceremony, and no reception, I bet people would complain about that too, and not show up.

I can't help that I am not a wedding person. I watched a 'Say Yes to the Dress' marathon last night, and tossed and turned having wedding nightmares all night, and FI was really really worried about me. It happens to me anytime I watch too much bridal tv.

I'm a bridal fail.

 

[nkarma]

I totally get your analogy. I sometimes think that way as well, but still want close family and friends there. It is weird to be making that promise in front of others though. Good luck and no matter how you do your wedding, there will always be someone who disagrees with how you do it. It''s your day and just smile and nodd when they express disapproval which is always the hardest part for me.