Lies at the Altar

[FireGoddess]

Has anyone heard of the book by Robin Smith, or did anyone see Oprah yesterday where she was on talking about it?

She''s the psychologist who''s on Oprah all the time, giving advice to people. I am intrigued and thinking of getting the book. Along with stories and advice from her own failed marriage and couples that she''s counseled, she has listed 278 questions that couples who are thinking of getting married should ask each other. She says that if you are already married, these questions can help you figure out what is causing problems in your marriage, or just help you truly get to know your partner better. When asked by Oprah how she came up with the questions, she replied, "They were things I never asked in my own marriage, but should have." Interesting. Anyway, I''m curious to see what these questions are. Just wanted to see if anyone has heard of the book or read it, or alert impending brides, etc to the book. I can''t endorse it having never read it, but it seems worth a look?!

 

[dani13]

Hey FG,

I saw Oprah yesterday- it was a good show. And then I got suckered into buying the book- as soon as the show was over I logged onto Amazon and bought it! It seems like it will be an interesting read- so I will let you know!!!

 

[decodelighted]

The book sounded interesting but I was more interested in the couples on the show. I kinda felt like two bitter older women were trying to bully those poor, mixed-up girls into not getting married.

The first couple: well ... maybe they should postpone at least. Also - her "long distance relationship" fella, uh, seemed GAY!

BUT

The second couple: sounded like she just had "planning overwhelm". That guy was AWESOME & understanding & even-tempered as his whole life exploded on the Oprah stage. He was like "she''s my best friend ... i want her to tell me her fears if she has ''em" ... not "protect me & keep planning this sham party". I dunno. I hope they (Oprah & Robin) didn''t ruin a perfectly good relationship by projecting their own "stuff" onto that couple.

What did you guys think?

 

[dani13]

I told FI about it and he felt the same way about it as you did, Deco. He was like, "well look at Oprah- she's never been married- how the hell does she know anything? And he is kind of right- I hate how Oprah thinks she knows everything...it gets annoying sometimes. But I have to say, I am looking foward to reading the book...

And I definitely agree that first guy seemed TOTALLY GAY...!

 

[FireGoddess]

I think that I might get the book. Still wavering. DH and I are from different cultures and I think the questions may be things we''ve never even talked about with each other so I''m curious to see what they are (the questions, and our answers!)
I couldn''t identify with the whole ''losing yourself in the marriage'' thing because I have a very strong personality and that has not changed - and my husband is a few years younger than me

so it is more of a partnership than me thinking ''geez, only his happiness is important, not mine'' but I do think it''s good to reiterate these things, particularly before you have kids so you can remember not to just lose yourself and become a slave to them without considering your own needs still exist. I am definitely intrigued about the questions though, as a ''getting to know more about the real you'' exercise.


Second, I did feel like Robin and Oprah were cheerleaders for ''don''t get married now'' which I thought was slightly inappropriate for these two women. Particularly the second couple, because most of the stuff she was complaining about had to do with planning the wedding. Unless you''re making no decisions yourself, of course you will exprience overwhelm planning a big wedding - it''s a PITA! And he was a trooper to sit there and say what he did, and just be there for her because you know he was hurting.

 

[AmantdeChat]

Never heard of that particular book, but it does bring to mind a book I was looking at the other day. It''s called It''s Not Just About Wrinkles, a skin care book, and the author used an analogy that I thought was just ridiculous. He was saying how good skin is like a good diamond. Most people look at cut and carat but it is CLARITY AND COLOR that are the most important factors when choosing a good diamond!?

I couldn''t believe it! He said any reputable jeweler will tell you the same!?

Really? Then I definitely do not want to meet his definition of a "reputable" jeweler!

Maybe he should just stick with skin and leave the diamond analogies to the experts.

Thought the PS''ers here would enjoy that analogy!

Sorry for the hijack FireGoddess.

 

[LizzieC]

I saw this show too. To me the women sounded like they were still in that very beginning stage of the relationship... where you''re trying to be perfect. But doesn''t that normally go away after like 2 months? It sure as heck did for FI & me!

I can''t imagine trying to keep that up for years! That would be exhausting!

Maybe I''m being really naive, but I just don''t see what''s really going to change when we get married. I mean, we''ve been living together for awhile now... and it doesn''t feel like anything would really be different. Same people, same personalities (I hope!), same schedule, same families, etc. I guess when we have kids that''ll be different!

I might pick up the book... I''m curious to see the questions too!

 

[zhuzhu]

Sample "questions to ask" can be found from her web site. http://www2.oprah.com/relationships/relationships_content.jhtml?contentId=con_200605_questions.xml

They seem to be pretty standard questions, maybe the book will reveal more?

 

[dani13]

Well, I will let you ladies know about the questions- I just got a email from Amazon saying they shipped my book out to me today! I wonder how many copies of that book were sold yesterday b/c of all of the publicity from the show???
I am such a sucker!

 

[Mara]

interesting, i didn't see the show but i do like stuff like that because i think if done right it can actually be fun for partners to partake (esp if you are already married, its not like you can make a mistake, tee hee) depending on how it's structured, aka not let's sit down and find out what's wrong with us but more like hey let's have a chocolate and wine picnic in the jet tub and read each other the questions (and maybe an upgrade may be discussed, mwahhah!) and also show you insights into each other as well and help you learn maybe small things you didn't really know!

FG you're a strong personality? NO WAY.

 

[flopkins]

Dani - report back to us!

I looked at the link - the questions posted on the website are kinda lame, IMO... there are other books w/similar topics and I think the finance ones are the most useful, bc it''s usually taboo to talk too much about finances.

I didn''t see the show but I never could get into Oprah much... although some of her book club recommendations are decent.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/10/2006 5:31:05 PM
Author: Mara
FG you're a strong personality? NO WAY.

Hee hee hee...I like to announce it cuz it's soooooooooooooo not apparent otherwise.

Dani, let us know about the questions - it's the main reason I'd be interested in the book!

 

[AmberWaves]

Looking at the questions on Oprah''s website, I see that these are normal questions you find out (usually without asking) while first dating! I mean, "What kind of job do you have?" "What hours do you work?", "How much do you make annually?", "most enjoyable sexual activities?" (well, some of us find that one out in the first few months

).. This is all stufff I had learned at the start of our relationship. Any couple who is getting married should know this stuff already, and not have to talk about it, right?

 

[FireGoddess]

Sooo, those questions on the website would NOT make me want to get the book. They are things I clearly already know. But on the show she was talking about other questions, like, "What things in life make your heart smile?" and questions like that which I have never asked, and could have some idea what his answer might be, but also might be surprised at some of the answers he might give. I don''t think those were the best 25 to put on the website, but those might be more for people who haven''t gotten married yet and haven''t even asked those simple questions? Those seem pretty standard! I''m guessing the other 250 delve deeper (I would hope.).

 

[LizzieC]

Date: 5/10/2006 6:32:04 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Sooo, those questions on the website would NOT make me want to get the book. They are things I clearly already know. But on the show she was talking about other questions, like, ''What things in life make your heart smile?'' and questions like that which I have never asked, and could have some idea what his answer might be, but also might be surprised at some of the answers he might give. I don''t think those were the best 25 to put on the website, but those might be more for people who haven''t gotten married yet and haven''t even asked those simple questions? Those seem pretty standard! I''m guessing the other 250 delve deeper (I would hope.).

I''m just imagining my FI''s face when I ask him... "What makes your heart smile?" Heeheeee...

He would think I was insane! Cheesy and insane.

 

[FireGoddess]

My husband can be somewhat cheesy so I think he would answer, ''you'' which is sweet but doesn''t really get the point of the exercise across.

 

[LizzieC]

So I just DID ask FI what makes his heart smile! And he DOES think I''m insane!

Darn you Oprah!

 

[Mara]

lol i''m so going to ask Greg that tonite. he may just commit me!

 

[Tybee]

Ha ha!

Not impressed with the questions on the website, we certainly have already discussed those. I do think it''s nice to sit around and ask each other questions like, "what makes your heart smile?"

I just asked him, and he answered, "You and the dogs..." is he a trained monkey or what? I''m marrying a dork! Digging deeper I got a more real response, "being in a beautiful place with nothing to do."

I''d be interested in the book if the questions are a bit more thought provoking. I like that that one made me think of what my own answer would be. It''d be fun to sit down with a few glasses of wine and ask each other questions.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/10/2006 9:56:18 PM
Author: Tybee
I''d be interested in the book if the questions are a bit more thought provoking. I like that that one made me think of what my own answer would be. It''d be fun to sit down with a few glasses of wine and ask each other questions.

Absolutely! I used to have both these books - anybody remember these - The Book of Questions and The Book of Questions about Love and Sex. Both were fun to chill out and ask with a group of friends, but not quite the thing to find out more about your significant other. At least, not in ways that might be practical.

Do I really wanna know if he''d save me or his mother from a burning building? Something tells me no. But do I want to know what his fears are, or what makes his heart smile (if he''s capable of answering

), yes.

 

[zhuzhu]

I also saw the show. While I agree with Oprah that you need to listen to your gut. I disagree with her statement that "cold feet means something is off, something is wrong and you may not be ready". Come on, before you move to a new city for the first time for a great job offer, don''t you also feel nervious and anxious? However that does not mean you should stay at home and never take up a promising new job, or make a change with potential great rewards. Same thing with marriage, in fact if you DON"T feel a little nervious about the marriage then something is wrong. No one knows what the future holds, but taking a risk (an educated one) is what''s required to begin making a blessed life. Oprah never had a positive opinion on marriage, and presented a very skeptical view at yesterday''s show. Robin Smith also had a failed marriage and presented only the failed aspects of her experience.

IMHO, the show would have been strenghen had she invited some couples with a POSITIVE history of marriage and favorible views on marriage to balance the show.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/11/2006 12:00:29 AM
Author: zhuzhu
Oprah never had a positive opinion on marriage, and presented a very skeptical view at yesterday''s show. Robin Smith also had a failed marriage and presented only the failed aspects of her experience. IMHO, the show would have been strenghen had she invited some couples with a POSITIVE history of marriage and favorible views on marriage to balance the show.

Agree 100%. I saw a Kathy Griffen special last night & she had this bit on Oprah that cracked me up. She was like "Oprah, I LOVE her, but she thinks she''s Jesus. She gets a paper cut & shows it to people like "stigmata?" -- Uh NO Oprah, that''s just a paper cut."

Also think it would be an interesting topic to talk to 30-something first-time brides ADJUSTING to being part of a unit, rather than so independent ... which that first story touched on. But a BALANCED look at it. "Are you desperate" "Yes" "Okay - don''t do it" .... "Do you need help figuring out HOW to do it?" "Yes" "Okay ... here are some ideas."

 

[monarch64]

Date: 5/11/2006 12:38:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 5/11/2006 12:00:29 AM
Author: zhuzhu
Oprah never had a positive opinion on marriage, and presented a very skeptical view at yesterday''s show. Robin Smith also had a failed marriage and presented only the failed aspects of her experience. IMHO, the show would have been strenghen had she invited some couples with a POSITIVE history of marriage and favorible views on marriage to balance the show.

Agree 100%. I saw a Kathy Griffen special last night & she had this bit on Oprah that cracked me up. She was like ''Oprah, I LOVE her, but she thinks she''s Jesus. She gets a paper cut & shows it to people like ''stigmata?'' -- Uh NO Oprah, that''s just a paper cut.''

Also think it would be an interesting topic to talk to 30-something first-time brides ADJUSTING to being part of a unit, rather than so independent ... which that first story touched on. But a BALANCED look at it. ''Are you desperate'' ''Yes'' ''Okay - don''t do it'' .... ''Do you need help figuring out HOW to do it?'' ''Yes'' ''Okay ... here are some ideas.''

Really quickly, sorry to hijack zhuzhu, I saw the same KG show and thought the same thing as she said--"you people are actually getting NERVOUS that I''m making fun of Oprah!" LOL!
And I loved when she took her pants off (you have to watch the show for all of you who are going "what the H? right now!)

 

[blueroses]

(continuing threadjack) Monarch I saw that Kathy Griffin thing and oh my GOD I was laughing out loud. HIlarious.


I *also* saw the Oprah episode. I don''t know.....it just seemed too easy for Oprah and "Dr. Robin" (Do her doctors ever have last names?) to poopoo marriage. I thought Lance Armstrong''s ex was a far more interesting and informative guest in terms of talking about not losing oneself in a marriage. But the couples that came out later--I felt like they got NOTHING resolved. I really disagree that any cold feet or any doubt is your secret inner wisdom voice or whatever they were calling it. I think MOST big decisions in life come with some adjustment, compromise, and DOUBT--whether it''s a relationship, a city move, grad school, a new career path.....who is EVER sure of something 100%? I don''t know--it just seemed a little bit of pressurized pot-stirring on the older single gals'' parts.

Obviously not marrying was the right choice for Oprah--good for her. (Do we ever get any view of how Stedman feels about that?

) but for the rest of us, I think we''d be crazy to not acknowledge that even the best of choices will often have a twinge of doubt.

Nonetheless, I want to hear about the book!!!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 5/11/2006 8:51:33 PM
Author: blueroses
(continuing threadjack) Monarch I saw that Kathy Griffin thing and oh my GOD I was laughing out loud. HIlarious.



I *also* saw the Oprah episode. I don''t know.....it just seemed too easy for Oprah and ''Dr. Robin'' (Do her doctors ever have last names?) to poopoo marriage. I thought Lance Armstrong''s ex was a far more interesting and informative guest in terms of talking about not losing oneself in a marriage. But the couples that came out later--I felt like they got NOTHING resolved. I really disagree that any cold feet or any doubt is your secret inner wisdom voice or whatever they were calling it. I think MOST big decisions in life come with some adjustment, compromise, and DOUBT--whether it''s a relationship, a city move, grad school, a new career path.....who is EVER sure of something 100%? I don''t know--it just seemed a little bit of pressurized pot-stirring on the older single gals'' parts.


Obviously not marrying was the right choice for Oprah--good for her. (Do we ever get any view of how Stedman feels about that?

) but for the rest of us, I think we''d be crazy to not acknowledge that even the best of choices will often have a twinge of doubt.


Nonetheless, I want to hear about the book!!!

I SO appreciated your comments...I missed seeing it, but heard enough about it that I am glad I didn''t. Oprah--like all of us--has her views and her own issues to contend with and obviously, marriage is one of them. I feel bad for those couples though...

 

[Mara]

lol i asked Greg about the heart smile, and he said...'nothing...i have a dark heart'...i had to crack up. he was joking obviously but it was hilarious. he tried to look all sullen when he said it. he's SO not into that kind of stuff. hee hee.

 

[FireGoddess]

That''s freaking hilarious - his cold black dark heart. I can see you might get as far with him as I might with mine on these questions.

But at least you''d be laughing!

 

[FireGoddess]

Dani, did you ever get the book? What did you think of the questions?

 

[Odilia]

Date: 5/10/2006 5:31:05 PM
Author: Mara
interesting, i didn''t see the show but i do like stuff like that because i think if done right it can actually be fun for partners to partake depending on how it''s structured, aka more like hey let''s have a chocolate and wine picnic and read each other the questions (and maybe an upgrade may be discussed, mwahhah!) and also show you insights into each other as well and help you learn maybe small things you didn''t really know!

I didn''t read the whole thread, but Mara, this comment reminded me of something like that when DH and I were first dating. I had this test for temperament type, sort of like the Myers-Briggs on that other thread, but it''s the choleric, sanguine, melancholic & phlegmatic one. It was a series of questions to figure out your temperament type, and he and I took some wine to a local park and sat on a picnic table by the lake, and I asked him the questions. Unknown to him, I took the test the night before, in what I thought he would answer, to see how well I knew him at this point. It turned out I was VERY close. It was a fun exercise! A friend who gave us the bottle of wine used to call it "the romantic wine", but after this event my DH used to call it, "the interrogation wine."

 

[galeteia]

Is it called 'buyer's remorse' when you make a big, serious purchase and then have the inevtiable "Oh my god, have I done the right thing?"

Edit: I meant to reply to the comment about "You SHOULD be a bit nervous to get married" and then explain that I find my nervousness similar to 'buyer's remorse' if that's what it's called. They don't refer to getting married as 'taking the plunge' for nothing!

I know that when I agreed to meet my sweetie (he would make the 9 hour trip to stay for five days) I was almost incapacitated with cold feet. It was waves of relief and waves of horror. "What have I done? Accck!"

And then when he got here, it was everything I could have hoped for, and more. It happened again when I decided to leave Canada (for the first time!) and take off time from work to live with him for three months. I took my thesis with me. I had every doubt that you could imagine afer I'd made the arrangements, especially about leaving my country and being in a strange land at the mercy of a boyfriend I'd only spent five days in the company of.

But it was blissful, and proved to me beyond doubt that he was The One. It wouldn't have worked otherwise. I'm sure I'll get that again when we are officially engaged, and then again when we marry.