Life Crisis-HELP! Incredibly Stressed Out Bride here!

[beautifuldisaster]

Alright…I am a smidge stressed here and just needed to vent. Sorry this is so long and ridiculous.

We are getting married in May. We have always lived apart and cannot wait to live in the same state. I am in an apt. now and my lease is up soon. He is living with family right now. We have been strongly thinking of moving closer to my parents and family (8 hours away). My parents moved a year ago and I miss them terribly. I want my children (future) to be close with my niece and nephew and I want my parents to be very close to my children as well. We like the area, houses are more affordable, no snow, friendly people, etc. One problem is that my best friend (and MOH) is freaking out about this. I love her and will miss her terribly so I dont know what to do. Ever since college my friends have been spread all throughout the U.S. and between email, letters, cell phones, planes, trains and automobiles, I just never gave it a thought. I don’t see distance as a factor in friendships. All of my other friends know of the possibilities and are cool with it. They said we will be friends no matter where I go and I guess I just expected all of my friends to think that way.

The other night I was at her place and I her sister is doing all of my wedding décor because that is what she does for a living. I was told she would make it now and store it and then caravan it to the wedding site. Now she is saying she will work on it in Dec/January and that she cant store the stuff and neither can my MOH. If we move I will have to move the stuff twice which makes it easier to get damaged. I can’t possibly come back up in Dec/Jan with a borrowed van and drive back in the snow and ice for 8 hours not to mention I wont have any time accrued by then and if I do I need to use it for my honeymoon. Maybe I am being ridiculous here but I don’t know what to think. I have calmly asked her if she thinks she can do it in the 6 weeks that remain in the summer and am awaiting her response. She told me she could do it all in a day or two so I would think that 6 weeks would be enough time (she doesn’t work in the summer). Am I being awful? I don’t want to come across as pushy and demanding but they have to understand my situation as well. I have paid over $1k in supplies for décor and now I am sitting with all of in my spare room and the trunk of my car wondering what to do.

My BF and her mom also had a long talk with me the other night. I got the feeling like she was asking me to choose between her and my family and my new married life. It really upset me. She said that she doesn’t know what will happen when/if I move. She and her mom were laying it on thick telling me I shouldn’t live with or near my family and blah blah and why can’t I stay there for another year and buy a house there and then decide? Well the idea of buying a $500k house and living it in for a year is not at all appealing to me and quite honestly makes no sense. It is bad enough I am moving and getting married within 9 months of each other, I wouldn’t want to add a home purchase. I guess there are two issues really, number one what I am going to do if she won’t do my décor now and give it to me to take down in September and what am I going to do about my friend. She basically said in so many words that she didn’t know if we could still be friends if I moved. This is someone I have been friends with for 12 years who is like a sister to me I couldn’t believe she was saying that. I mentioned that we wanted to have children and that I hoped to be pregnant by this time next year and then she started crying and got all upset. She said that our kids were supposed to grow up together and how could that happen if I was so far away? She said she cant imagine me being pregnant without her around. I cant imagine having a child without my family around me. So what am I supposed to do/think/feel?

I don’t know what to do and I guess I was just looking for someone to identify with, for someone to listen to what may sound terribly stupid and insignificant but is causing me a great deal of upset.

 

[elephant]

Beautiful,

As far as the decor, I think you handled it the best you could. By her changing the plan, she''s putting you in a tough situation. I think as long as you two navigate the situation with kindness, you two should be able to find a compromise that will work for both of you? I don''t think you should feel bad about this. You two had a plan and she''s changing it? Hopefully, she will be reasonable enough that you all can come up with a plan that works for everyone! Good luck!

I think there''s really something to be said about when you get married, that is your new family. This is your life. I can totally understand that you feel bad about leaving her, but your husband is your new family and if you want to be near your family when you have kids, then that is well within your right. It sounds to me like she is afraid that you will neglect your friendship if/when you move. The only thing you can do is assure her of your commitment to your friendship -- even across the miles. Life happens and people move on. It really isn''t fair for her to put this on you or force you to choose between her and your family. And it especially isn''t fair that her MOTHER is in on this as well. You shouldn''t feel guilty AT ALL. Perhaps what she was saying was a knee-jerk reaction and she will be more reasonable after having more time to think about it! Maybe it would help to write her a heartfelt letter telling her how much you value her friendship, etc. and that you would have hoped that she would be supportive of your decision as you think this best for your future family -- both financially and for your children''s sake.

All in all, I know these things are stressful, but I would try not to let them get you down! You''re getting married! WOO HOO!

Good luck! It will all turn out!

 

[teebee]

Oh, I''m so sorry that you are having to deal with these things!! As if wedding planning weren''t stressful enough right?!?!

I''m not sure how to resolve the wedding decorations... is there any part of this process you could assist her with? Perhaps if you offered her your time & help for a couple of days, she would understand your sense of urgency here and be willing to get this done on your timeframe rather than 5 months from now...

As for your friend... well, I think she is being very immature, insensitive and terribly selfish!!! Does she have a husband/fiance/serious boyfriend? My guess would be that she does not, because it appears she has made no attempt to see the situation from your point of view or what she would want for her own future if she were in a similar situation. For her not to understand your wanting to be close to your family, especially once you start having children, is inconsiderate beyond my comprehension!! She is making this ALL ABOUT HER!!! And how she feels about your moving away, and how she wants to feel when you are pregnant, and how she feels about your friendship... good grief!! For her to say point blank that she does not know what will happen to your friendship when/if you move is like she is saying you are not important enough for her to put forth an effort into maintaining a friendship long distance ~ no matter how long you''ve been friends or how close you''ve been in the past, to me, a true friend is someone who wants the best for you, REGARDLESS!!!! She is not being a true friend right now... I''m so sorry.

This is such a special time in your life and she should be excited for you and all of the changes you are making. She should share in the joy you are experiencing and hold your hand through any fears or feelings of uncertainty while you are making these big decisions and starting your new life with your husband instead of smothering you with a guilt trip for not making these decisions according to her desires.

I don''t know what I would say, because I would be so hurt by her selfishness and her inability to be the friend that I need... The immature and childish side of me would want to suggest that instead of you staying close to her, she should move where you''re moving... and if she objects, tell her you''re just not sure what will happen to your friendship if she won''t move since she seems to be unwilling to make an effort to maintain the friendship...

On the other hand, the more mature part of me would probably try to have a serious heart-to-heart with her and tell her very gently and thoughtfully, that while you love her dearly as your best friend... all the plans and visions we have for our lives hardly ever work out that way in the real world... and you hope that she can understand that you love your family and as much as you would love for your children to grow up together, you also have a deep longing to be close to your parents and for your future children to have a close loving relationship with their grandparents. Tell her that you will send her emails and pictures and visit her whenever you get the opportunity and that you hope she is willing to do the same, but you can''t base your important life decisions solely on her need to have you close. Tell her you really need her friendship and support right now...

I hope that her initial reaction to your possibly moving is just that - a reaction, and not a thoughtful response... hopefully if she is given time to consider what you are doing she will handle it correctly from here on out... good luck and keep us posted!

 

[ame]

Date: 7/20/2005 12:06:28 PM
Author:beautifuldisaster

Alright…I am a smidge stressed here and just needed to vent. Sorry this is so long and ridiculous.

We are getting married in May. We have always lived apart and cannot wait to live in the same state. I am in an apt. now and my lease is up soon. He is living with family right now. We have been strongly thinking of moving closer to my parents and family (8 hours away). My parents moved a year ago and I miss them terribly. I want my children (future) to be close with my niece and nephew and I want my parents to be very close to my children as well. We like the area, houses are more affordable, no snow, friendly people, etc. One problem is that my best friend (and MOH) is freaking out about this. I love her and will miss her terribly so I dont know what to do. Ever since college my friends have been spread all throughout the U.S. and between email, letters, cell phones, planes, trains and automobiles, I just never gave it a thought. I don’t see distance as a factor in friendships. All of my other friends know of the possibilities and are cool with it. They said we will be friends no matter where I go and I guess I just expected all of my friends to think that way.

The other night I was at her place and I her sister is doing all of my wedding décor because that is what she does for a living. I was told she would make it now and store it and then caravan it to the wedding site. Now she is saying she will work on it in Dec/January and that she cant store the stuff and neither can my MOH.

My BF and her mom also had a long talk with me the other night. I got the feeling like she was asking me to choose between her and my family and my new married life. It really upset me.

I don’t know what to do and I guess I was just looking for someone to identify with, for someone to listen to what may sound terribly stupid and insignificant but is causing me a great deal of upset.

This does sound like they are bullying you to choose. Personally, I wouldn''t put up with that. Remind them AND their mother that a true friend doesn''t give an ultimatum. This is childish and rude of them.