Life turned upside-down.

[KCCutie]

And unfortunately not in a good way.

So on Wednesday morning I was sitting inmy office doing my thing when 2 guys and 3 Sherrif''s Deputies walked in. They asked for my boss and prcedded to say they were there to serve a tax warrant and had authority to seize his assets including his cars, everything in the office except the files and almost everything in his home. They immediatly started tagging things and packing them up and taking them away.

So I''m out of a job. Scary! I was already looking for a new jobbecause I thought money was tight at work but I never expected what happened.

Then the house we were really hoping to close on ....well let''s just say it all fell through.

I allowed the lease onmy apartment to go month to month b/c we only thought I''d need it until the house closed. Paying an extra $125 a month for amonth or so. Now it seems ridiculous to stay here at that price especially since I have no job.

My wonderful SO wants to help, he wants to take care of me and I think it''s so sweet but I''ve always said I would never live with a man before we are at least engaged. Well he''s been saving but now that I don''t have a job he can''t spend his savings on a ring b/c we may need the money.

I still don''t like the idea of giving up what I''ve always been so set on and moving in with him before we get engaged, but I think it''s the only smart thing to do. I know that being engaged isn''t about the ring and we both agree we really are already feel engaged. I told him we could go to Wal-mart and buy a band, or buy the wedding bands fisrt or buy the setting with a cz and replace it later but he doesn''t want to do any of that. He wants to do it the traditional way and he doesn''t want my help in any way. Would I be a horrible hipocryte if I moved in with him now?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

you would be a hypocrite, but you would not be horrible
sometimes life throws curveballs at you and you have to adjust your swing to make it work
if it was only for a month or so, would it really be living with him or just staying there as like a guest? maybe it would be easier to think of it that way?
either way i hope it all works out, that is a really stinky situation *hug*

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m really sorry to hear about all of that! Loss of a job and a house all at once??! Talk about bad luck, my goodness.

My advice is coming from someone who lives with her SO without being engaged, so keep that in mind.

I do not think you''re a hypocrite. I think sometimes situations change, and you have to roll with the punches. I don''t stand for everything now that I believed 10 years ago. You grow, and your outlook on things will change, that doesnt make you a hypocrite. It would make you a hypocrite if you did it for HIS reasons, and not yours. You are allowed to change your mind!

You''re 100% sure you''re getting engaged, so really it''s a matter of a technicality. You''ll be engaged soon enough, and moving in together will save you a lot of grief. I guess try to keep perspective on what is best for both of you overall. I understand you have your values, you really just have to weigh them. Does your need to stick to your guns outweigh the benefits of moving in with him in this particular situation? Would you resent him if you were to move in against your beliefs?

I can''t really tell you what to do, but this seems like it''s just a matter of weighing your options. Sorry I couldn''t be more of a help!

Good Luck, and keep us updated!!

 

[vita*dolce]

yuck, sounds like a stressful week! i wouldn''t make this decision based on what you''ve said in the past. if you truly don''t want to move in with him before you''re engaged then don''t, but if you think it''s the right decision under the circumstances, don''t let the lack of a ring stop you. if you''ve already decided to eventually be married, you kind of are engaged, the ring is simply a formality. you don''t need jewelry to have a commitment, it''s really more like a really great bonus.

 

[vslover]

I don''t understand why you can''t be engaged without the ring. If you KNOW you''re going to get married....aren''t you already engaged?

 

[ams0124]

Date: 8/15/2008 11:53:17 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
you would be a hypocrite, but you would not be horrible
sometimes life throws curveballs at you and you have to adjust your swing to make it work
if it was only for a month or so, would it really be living with him or just staying there as like a guest? maybe it would be easier to think of it that way?
either way i hope it all works out, that is a really stinky situation *hug*

I agree...There''s certain things that you can''t control...Life Happens right?!?

Anyway...This might sound like a stupid idea but I''ll just throw it out there....what is his current living situation? I mean is there another room that you could have that could be "yours"...where you would truely feel like you were a roommate instead of cohabitating? Just a thought...It was the first thing that came to mind...I could probably come up with something better after putting real thought into it....

Anyway...I hope it all works itself out....Keep your hopes up

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I do not see why you both can not compromise in some fashion by getting your band now and having that as your engagement ring. Heck, switch it up and have your engagement ring become your wedding ring - not only is that completely unique but you get to flash your brand new shiny rock on your wedding day! How exciting of a thought is that!


ETA - This is coming from a gal who's engaged with no ring, mind you. My FI asked for my father's blessing just like he knew I wanted and from that moment on we considered our engagement official. We've even talked about just picking up a ring that I wear as a placeholder until he can afford the "real" ring. I'd love to do it this way because I could get a really nice RHR

 

[katamari]

Oh my gosh, KCCutie. I am so terribly sorry to hear about all this. At least you know that next week will be better

I totally agree with elle, vita, smurfy, and ams that you have to change your rules about life when life changes. I think it is a very mature thing to do.

One thing I want to point out, though, is that you find it completely reasonable that he is unable to compromise on his beliefs (engagement=ring). Even though it obviously bothers you to reform your beliefs (engagement proceeds cohabitation), you seem like the ''reasonalbe'' compromise is to change your beliefs. In my opinion, the compromise would be to sit down and discuss how the situation is forcing one of you change your beliefs and logically uncover which change is most practical for you as a couple.

 

[sklingem]

KCcutie-
that really is horrible. Hopefully it will give you a chance to find the job that you may have already been looking for. I am not sure what your reasons are for not wanting to move in together (I know that there are many and they have been discussed many times on PS); what disturbs me a bit is that at the same time you seem to be willing to rely on him financially (correct me if I am wrong) : "(...)but now that I don''t have a job he can''t spend his savings on a ring b/c we may need the money". Honestly, (I am exaggerating a bit here) that sounds a bit like : "You are good enough to move in with when I am in financial trouble, but otherwise your other qualities would NOT be good enough for me to live with you". I am not saying that you have much of a choice (?) but it does not look good. As your BF I would also be troubled if MY GF moved in with me, knowing that this goes against her beliefs. A good talk is in order and some introspection with regards to your beliefs about living together before being engaged.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i don''t think that''s quite how kc meant us to take it rob. i think it meant that her SO knows about the situation and cares about her and therefor would want to help her out and by doing so it would mean postponing the e-ring which i''m sure is understandable given the situation. marriage is partly about getting through those tough times and if they are both able to compromise now they will be able to do the same when another tough situation comes up down the road.

 

[sklingem]

"I don''t think that''s quite how kc meant us to take it rob. i think it meant that her SO knows about the situation and cares about her and therefor would want to help her out and by doing so it would mean postponing the e-ring which i''m sure is understandable given the situation. marriage is partly about getting through those tough times and if they are both able to compromise now they will be able to do the same when another tough situation comes up down the road"

Hm ... you may be right here (though I still think that my comments apply - Kccutie did change her mind with regards to moving in before being engaged which, for me as a BF would (have) raised some issues. But anyway). Well, you really can''t have it all. He was nice enough to let her move in and to provide for her; you can''t also "shove" an engagement down his throat, including the timing (well it has to be now since given that my beliefs about cohabitation would be violated) and forcing him to change his plans with regards to the ring he wanted to get. In the end they have to work it out together and they will be stronger for it, which is great. I just have the slight feeling that this needs to be balanced and so far I do not get that impression.

 

[fieryred33143]

A hypocrite to whom?

Your biggest critic is yourself so if you are ok with moving in with him and feel comfortable doing so, then you aren''t being a hypocrite.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

He was nice enough to let her move in and to provide for her; you can''t also ''shove'' an engagement down his throat, including the timing (well it has to be now since given that my beliefs about cohabitation would be violated) and forcing him to change his plans with regards to the ring he wanted to get. In the end they have to work it out together and they will be stronger for it, which is great. I just have the slight feeling that this needs to be balanced and so far I do not get that impression.

touche

 

[katamari]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:20:21 PM
Author: rob09

. . . He was nice enough to let her move in and to provide for her; you can''t also ''shove'' an engagement down his throat, including the timing (well it has to be now since given that my beliefs about cohabitation would be violated) and forcing him to change his plans with regards to the ring he wanted to get. In the end they have to work it out together and they will be stronger for it, which is great. I just have the slight feeling that this needs to be balanced and so far I do not get that impression.

So how again is it that her changing her beliefs (without him changing his) is balanced, but that even contemplating or suggesting he change his beliefs is unbalanced? I am missing this.

 

[jcarlylew]

Hey KCC - so sorry that happend. as a LIW living with an SO, i dont think it would be a horrible thing to move in with your SO.

is he currently living in an apt or owned home? for me, i thought that i wouldn''t SIGN any paperwork (loan) until i was engaged, but i am okay with living in an apartment. for us, it makes moree sense.

Take a week or tow to focus on getting a new job first - that way, once you do, the moivng issue will become less stressful.

 

[KCCutie]

Thank you everybody!

The more I think about it the clearer it becomes. Last night I was just a mess and I couldn''t imagine giving up my values. Today I sat down and put it all on paper and realized that it really is not smart for me to be stubborn and refuse to let go of that. Not only would it be hard for me to afford to stay here if I still had my job, but without a job my reserves will last less than half as long as if I move in with my SO. I could never have planned for this and it''s not the way I want it to be but I am allowed to change my mind and I need to do what is best for us.

Rob you do bring up a good point. To be more clear he is offering to let me live with him. He will try to transfer to a 2 bedroom in his building which will be only slightly more than he pays now. That small increase in rent which I will offer to help offset is theonly increase he will have to deal with. If I am not paying my rent (for my own place) I will have enough in my savings to pay my own debts (student loans, car payment, insurance, what little credit card debt I have left, my cell phone, and my own gas and food) for almost 5 months if necessary. So for him financially very little will change he will just have me and my dog living with him. Personally I don''t want him to pay for my debts even when we are married, they are mine and I am responsible for them I want to pay them off so I always plan to make enough money to take care of those until they are paid off. I will not let my reserves run out if I have to wait tables to take care of my debts I will, and he knows that, but he wants me to take the time to find the right job not just feel like I have to take the first job I''m offered.

I really don''t know why you can''t be engaged without a ring. It''s so odd that we agree we "feel" like we already are engaged but we both also agree that it''s not offcial to us or to anyone else until he gets a ring and asks. I have suggested getting a placeholder ring, buying the band first and even fashioning a twit tie into a ring and just going with it but he doesn''t want it to be that way. Even if he has the money right now it''s smarter for him to hold off making a purchase until I have a job (and I hope it won''t take long). I think he''s already moved to midset of what we have being "our" money and not just his and the fact that he can''t justify spending that much of "our money" when "our income" is unstable makes me feel even better about or future.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Oh KCKutie, I am so sorry to hear about your job loss. Good luck with the search for a new one. I think you are more than entitled to change what you believe, it is so easy to say something before you are put into the specific situation. I know people who before they have children, say "I will never ever do that with my child" and they when they are parents they do exactly what they said they never would. You just can''t pre plan your life, and belief systems change as you grow. I also know the traditional ring thing, my FF will also not let me help at all and will not get engaged without a ring (and he won''t get me anything other than my dream ring, even if I said I changed my mind). I know a lot of people on here say you can get engaged without a ring - I have heard it many times in regards to me - it is sometimes not a possibility and I understand that.
I say move in if that is what you want!

 

[ash313]

A hypocrite is one who preaches a certain value to others but does not apply those same values to the way they live their own life. Deciding you want one thing and then changing your mind does not at all make you a hypocrite. For example, someone who preaches abstinence before marriage to others but engages in sexual activity themselves outside of marriage. That is hypocrisy.

You had decided you did not want to live with him before an engagement. Then you decided there may be circumstances where that is a palatable option. If you preached to others that no one should live with their SO before an engagement and then did it yourself, that''s hypocrisy. But if you have always said people should do what works for them, moving in with him is not hypocrisy. See what I mean?

I think maybe you''re conflating hypocrisy with simply doing something you did not previously believe in.

I say take a long, hard look at your reasons for not wanting to move in, and decide if they still apply. Then make your decision.

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:09:01 PM
Author: leeNY
A hypocrite is one who preaches a certain value to others but does not apply those same values to the way they live their own life. Deciding you want one thing and then changing your mind does not at all make you a hypocrite. For example, someone who preaches abstinence before marriage to others but engages in sexual activity themselves outside of marriage. That is hypocrisy.

You had decided you did not want to live with him before an engagement. Then you decided there may be circumstances where that is a palatable option. If you preached to others that no one should live with their SO before an engagement and then did it yourself, that''s hypocrisy. But if you have always said people should do what works for them, moving in with him is not hypocrisy. See what I mean?

I think maybe you''re conflating hypocrisy with simply doing something you did not previously believe in.

I say take a long, hard look at your reasons for not wanting to move in, and decide if they still apply. Then make your decision.

LeeNY Thank you so much for that! I had never thought of it that way! No I''m not saying this isn''t right for anyone I just never felt it was the right choice for me. I know many people who live their SO who are not engage and I have always felt that if they happy and feel it is right for them then more pawer to them and I wish them the best, I just never felt it was for me.

So I am not being a hypocrite I am simply changing my way of thinking. ANd as soemone else said I am allowed to change my mind. I do feel much better now I knew the ladies (and gents) here would be able to help me! That is why I love this place!

 

[radiantquest]

honey, you have to do what is right for you. my SO and i have been living together for a couple years now, some wouldnt agree with that, but it works for us. i know what you mean about not wanting to move in before there is a commitment/engagement first. your situation has changed and i think that it sounds like a good idea to move in. it doesnt make you a hypocrite if the situation has changed. dont do it though unless you are comfortable.