Living Together Poll

[Maria D]

I'm curious if the reasons that men and woman decide to live together are fundamentally different. This poll is ONLY for people who have lived or would consider living with their boyfriends/girlfriends outside of marriage. It is NOT for people who wouldn't do so. The first three answers are for women, the second three are the same answers for men. I know it's completely unscientific, but here goes:

 

[Mara]

i voted for both greg and i which is the same essential answer, after previous experiences, we would not live with someone unless we knew for sure were moving towards marriage. in our case we had lived together previously in 'lets see' relationships that did not work out and then you have the hassle of moving out/dividing things etc. so for us we ended up 'knowing' first and making steps towards engagement, then moving in together when those steps were in process. we moved in together about two months before my ring was done/i was proposed to and then lived together for a year and a half before marriage. we liked living alone as we both really valued our space so it was no problem for us to just continue to date seriously without living together. he could be over at my house for 3 days but then he'd always go home.

but the living together between engagement and marriage definitely gave us time to work out the 'kinks' before marriage, for us it was a win win.

 

[TravelingGal]

I voted that I wouldn''t live with someone unless I was 100% sure. Actually, I probably wouldn''t have even done that.

But my FI moved here from Australia and wouldn''t be able to rent a pencil with no credit, much less an apartment. We lived together because it was tough to do otherwise (but certainly not impossible). I wasn''t 100% sure, but I was 95% sure he was it and unless he proved to be a complete nutjob, we wouldn''t eventually go down the marriage path. Thank goodness he''s only 68% nutjob!

 

[lost on 5th]

i wouldnt live with someone unless i was 100% sure the direction was marriage. i however find the traditional approach of not moving in until AFTER the wedding absurd. once progressing in the direction of marriage i see little point in waiting. most of my friends owned condos / houses together prior to the wedding.

 

[pearcrazy]

My future DH moved in with me but only after I had a ring and a date set for our marriage. Even then, the only reason he moved in was because his lease was expiring and he was at my apartment pretty much all the time anyway. I believed my mother when she gave the big "milk and the cow" speech.

 

[lizz]

We got engaged on 3/17, moved in together on 6/1, and married 10/5 of the same year. I was in the same situation as pearcrazy. My husband's lease was expiring on 5/31.

 

[asscherisme]

Ditto to what pearcrazy said. His lease was up in May. The wedding was Oct and he was planning on moving in with me after the wedding anyway. We had the date set, the ring on my finger, my dress bought, the rabbi arranged. All plans set. So he moved in with me in May when he lease was up 5 months before the wedding.

I would not give up my own place or let someone move into my place unless I knew it would lead to marriage.

 

[laine]

I didn''t actually vote because I''m not sure quite where I fit. I moved in with my (now ex) boyfriend after I graduated from college. We had lived together for one summer, and spent every weekend together (we lived an hour apart), and it just seemed like it made the most sense to move in with him (and his roommate). I don''t really think I thought about marriage at all. I suppose I figured we might get married eventually, but I knew it wasn''t going to happen anytime soon. I suppose in that situation I fall in the first category, partly because I was too young to really consider marriage.

Fast forward a few years, and my boyfriend is planning to move in by the end of october (with me and my roommate). We''ve talked extensively about marriage, and agree that thats where we are headed. Even though we aren''t ready to get married right now, we want to be together and it seems a little silly not to live together, since we''re together almost every night. So I suppose now I fall into the third category.

 

[E B]

I voted that I wouldn''t marry someone without living with them, and that living someone is a great way to know if they''re the one you could, well, live with forever.

FH moved into my apartment (for the summer, he was moving to California at the end of August) after we''d been dating 6 months. Did I love him? Yes! Did I know I was going to marry him? I wasn''t 100% sure, but I felt it could go that way. And it did! I would never marry someone I hadn''t lived with.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

DH and I lived together 4 years before getting married but I knew we were going to married...someday....(didn''t think it would take that long

) If I wasn''t at least 90% sure I wouldn''t do it (we moved to a new city together too so the risk was higher). I think it depends on SO many things. How long have you been together? Are you ready for marriage or a relationship that would lead to it? How long is the lease (j/k)? Living together is sometimes REALLY hard on couples. It can be a true "test" to see how right you are for each other.

 

[upgrading mama]

Date: 9/1/2006 5:57:59 PM
Author: pearcrazy
My future DH moved in with me but only after I had a ring and a date set for our marriage. Even then, the only reason he moved in was because his lease was expiring and he was at my apartment pretty much all the time anyway. I believed my mother when she gave the big ''milk and the cow'' speech.

I agree.

I would never, never live with someone unless I was 100% sure, which I guess is never ''official'' until marriage. While I never lived with anyone before marriage, by choice, I know some people who do. I do believe this is NOT something to be entered into lightly, as there are a ton of emotional, physical, and financial considerations to be left with. I don''t think it''s a good idea unless it''s ''forever''.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I didn''t vote because none seemed to fit me... I''d live with a guy that I knew I wouldn''t marry LOL And I also don''t think that living together is essential part of the process. it''s really such a non issue for me... my husband lived with me for a month (like an extended stay) before he went into the military and other than that we didn''t live together and have been married a long time... I don''t consider living together one of the steps... I really don''t... but I also have no problem with it even if I knew I wasn''t going to marry the guy.

 

[ljmorgan]

I voted for "not unless I was 100% sure I was marrying this person"

I told my boyfriend that I would live with him only after we became engaged, and that''s what I did.

I don''t believe in "trying things out" before marriage -- that naturally assumes things can fall apart. I hear people say "but what if I find out he''s actually a slob with his laundry." Well, then you''ll have married a clothing slob. I think "testing things out" overemphasizes small problems and looks for incompatibility. People say "but wouldn''t you want to know that before you''re married?" And I say why, marriage is completely committing yourself to someone no matter what the inconvience -- you are not going to find someone that does every little thing right.

You find someone that you love, you get married, and you deal with issues as they come no matter what. That''s just my 2 cents

 

[LizzieC]

Another 100% gal. We had the marriage talk 08/05... engaged 12/05... officially moved in 03/06... married 06/06.

 

[Mara]

Lindsey that is totally how both Greg and I feel about it as well. Spot on!

 

[perry]

I did not vote because I see other options:

From the perspective of: Let''s say I meet someone and become interested in them as a marriage partner. All else being equal in life: I do not need to live with them prior to marriage, and do not specifically need a trial living arrangment.

On the other hand; there is a practical side of things: Because things are rarely equal in life... It may just be more practical to live together.

I could even see being housemates with someone that I was not interested in marriage; and not being to concerned if that became sexual as well as I veiw a serious relationship as much more than sex.

I think a lot of people live together just because they like each other and it is convienet - and have sex with each other because they are convient. Perhaps not your "ideal" family; but, becoming more common.

Perry

 

[Christa]

Date: 9/2/2006 10:39:03 AM
Author: *Lindsey*
I voted for ''not unless I was 100% sure I was marrying this person''

I told my boyfriend that I would live with him only after we became engaged, and that''s what I did.

I don''t believe in ''trying things out'' before marriage -- that naturally assumes things can fall apart. I hear people say ''but what if I find out he''s actually a slob with his laundry.'' Well, then you''ll have married a clothing slob. I think ''testing things out'' overemphasizes small problems and looks for incompatibility. People say ''but wouldn''t you want to know that before you''re married?'' And I say why, marriage is completely committing yourself to someone no matter what the inconvience -- you are not going to find someone that does every little thing right.

You find someone that you love, you get married, and you deal with issues as they come no matter what. That''s just my 2 cents

I didn''t vote because I don''t fit any of the options for religious reasons . . . but I just wanted to say Lindsey, I think you''re exactly right and I predict a long and happy marriage for you.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 9/2/2006 10:39:03 AM
Author: *Lindsey*
You find someone that you love, you get married, and you deal with issues as they come no matter what. That's just my 2 cents

Another one in agreement with Lindsey! Marriage to me is about more than finding someone I can be compatible with on a mundane level. It is about finding somebody who I'm compatible with on a deeper, truer level... in a way that makes the mundane far less significant.

As I mentioned in a previous post... he gets excited about Shark Week, I'm happy watching Project Runway. I decorate with in soft colors, he prefers bold and bright. He flosses compulsively, I talk to my cat compulsively.

We both have quirks that make us different from one another, but we both made a decision to be together despite (and sometimes because of!) those quirks. Coming into marriage with that mutual understanding makes our relationship even stronger, I think... because we trust that we're not going to fall apart because of anything trivial. We are on the exact same page about what it takes to make a marriage work.

If living together is necessary for financial or other logistical reasons, then that is certainly an exception. But I see little good in living together as a "trial", and I know far too many people who have agreed to move in with each other as a "next step" before marriage... only to find themselves years later still waiting for the next step to happen. Marriage is a leap of faith that you choose to take together, regardless of your living arrangements beforehand. If one person isn't quite ready to take that leap, that's not gonna change just because you suddenly share a bathroom.

 

[Maria D]

This poll conclusively proves....that women are 90% more likely to respond to a Pricescope poll than men!

I wanted to see if the collective response from women differed from that of men but there aren''t enough male responses to tell anything. I am surprised that the majority of women picked the "must be sure" category. I got the impression that more women here (who would live together before marrying) felt the need to test. I still find the whole "waiting for the proposal" thing to be curious. If the woman knows he''s the one, and the man knows that she wouldn''t be living with him if he wasn''t, what''s with all the surprise and suspense? I guess I''m just not a romantic and don''t get it.

To Cehra and Perry: I''d count you as a category 1, because you don''t feel the need to be considering marriage in order to live with someone. I was trying to get the responses to be a scale of where you feel you must *at least* be in a relationship in order to move in with someone. So the fact that you don''t need to live with someone before marrying them doesn''t count (in this poll). What counts is whether you''d live with someone even if you weren''t sure about marrying them. If you would, your either a category 1, don''t have to be thinking about marriage yet (or ever), or category 2, would have to be considering marriage, but not 100% sure.

Mara & Laine sound like you changed from category 1''s to 3''s at some point in your life.

Ebree said: "I would never marry someone I hadn''t lived with." I''m sure there are others who feel the same way. For those of you who don''t understand how people can do it, it''s the same kind of insanity that causes otherwise thoughtful souls do have babies without fostering one first! At least with men you have a pretty good idea if they''re going to be colicky or not, haha.

Thanks to all who participated!

 

[anchor31]

I voted "100%" and my FI would probably have voted "Wouldn''t marry unless we''ve lived together". I wouldn''t have moved in with my him unless engaged, but he wanted us to live together for a little while before marriage, so we were both at a loss of what to do for a while. We discussed it and finally decided to get engaged this summer (after 3 years of dating and almost 4 of knowing each other), move together next summer and get married a year later. I''m really glad we found a way to compromise and both be happy and have what we want.

Lindsay and ephemery - I agree with your points of view completely. I couldn''t have said it better! I don''t believe marriage is only about being compatible, but about being capable of growing together too.

 

[SoonIHope]

I''m with EBree - I wouldn''t want to make such a huge commitment without living together first. One thing I find really interesting about most of the "100%" posters is that they seem to think most people who want to live together first are just doing it to make sure we''re compatible on the superficial level (ie clothes on the floor), which had absolutely nothing to do with it for me. I wanted to live together first to make sure that I was still excited to come home to him every day, that we still had things to talk about after spending every morning, every evening, every night and every weekend together, that we could find a way to be content together even when one of us wasn''t in the mood to talk, etc. These are things that no matter how much time you spend together by choice (in my opinion), you still can''t ever quite know in the same way as when you spend all that time together by default. I suppose I see the point of the jump-of-faith sentiment listed above, that when you commit, you commit for good, but I don''t understand why you wouldn''t want to do everything feasible to make sure that jump was a good one! I mean, no matter how much I like a new car, I''m still going to do a bunch of research first, right? I think it would be foolish to jump right into living together with every guy you came across, but if you''re 90%+ sure you want to marry him, I would just feel a million times better getting the extra certainty that comes with just always having the other person around no matter what. I wouldn''t want to go into this "trial period" unless I was really really sure to begin with, but having gone through it, now I KNOW our chances of a successful marriage are that much better. And when it''s between knowing something and just having a bit of faith that hopefully it will be a certain way...I''d just rather know, personally!

 

[littlelysser]

I didn''t vote either...

My BF and I bought a house together 2 and 1/2 years ago. We''d been together for two years. I knew we were going to be together for a long time. Married? maybe. Maybe not. Neither of us want kids.

Fast forward two and a half years...we are engaged, have two dogs and have now put 2 1/2 years of mortgage payments into the house...that''s a nice amount of equity...

So...I knew I was going to be with him for the long haul. We''d thrown our lot in together...did I know we''d get married...eh, someday!