francesfarmer
Rough_Rock
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LIW who purchased a home w/SO before getting engaged:
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fieryred33143
Ideal_Rock
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Yes.
We knew from the beginning that we were going to be together forever so purchasing a home with him seemed as easy as deciding to buy Christmas gifts from the both of us instead of separately. We saw a condo, fell in love, had his dad check it out for any repairs, and signed.
The only thing that I regret was not talking about engagements and marriage. At that point in the relationship, it was so far from my mind. As a matter of fact, shortly after moving in we went to his cousin's wedding. The whole time we were there, we were cracking up at the entire thing (to a point where his mother literally scolded us in the middle of the ceremony
). Not once did I think well if this were my wedding or when will it be my turn (so different from now where a commercial about a proposal gives me anxiety
). Nevertheless, I should have talked to him about what our plans were for getting married, timelines, etc.
I never doubted that we would get there (to the altar that is) but it should have been a conversation before we moved in.
We knew from the beginning that we were going to be together forever so purchasing a home with him seemed as easy as deciding to buy Christmas gifts from the both of us instead of separately. We saw a condo, fell in love, had his dad check it out for any repairs, and signed.
The only thing that I regret was not talking about engagements and marriage. At that point in the relationship, it was so far from my mind. As a matter of fact, shortly after moving in we went to his cousin's wedding. The whole time we were there, we were cracking up at the entire thing (to a point where his mother literally scolded us in the middle of the ceremony
I never doubted that we would get there (to the altar that is) but it should have been a conversation before we moved in.
purrfectpear
Ideal_Rock
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I would only co-buy if there was a legal document that stipulated how things would be handled if there was a breakup.
For example if you are both on the mortgage, you will not be able to remove either one of your names without a total refi. You better make sure that you don''t purchase more home than either of you would qualify for a loan on as an individual.
Decide in writing who has the option to buy whom out. Or, if there is an agreement to sell, what happens if you sell for less than you owe, etc.?
Honestly, I just wouldn''t do it. Once you co-mingle your credit and funds on such a major purchase, a separation will be just as messy as a divorce, except without any of the court''s protection.
For example if you are both on the mortgage, you will not be able to remove either one of your names without a total refi. You better make sure that you don''t purchase more home than either of you would qualify for a loan on as an individual.
Decide in writing who has the option to buy whom out. Or, if there is an agreement to sell, what happens if you sell for less than you owe, etc.?
Honestly, I just wouldn''t do it. Once you co-mingle your credit and funds on such a major purchase, a separation will be just as messy as a divorce, except without any of the court''s protection.
fieryred33143
Ideal_Rock
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I don''t think you can remove someone''s name from the mortgage without a refinance anyway...at least not in Florida. I can''t imagine you can just walk into the mortgage company and say "hi I want to remove my boyfriend from the mortgage" and have them say sure. What city do you live in?
I agree...a lot of people think that living together is an easy way out if you decide to break up. That is so not true. And most states do not recognize common law anymore so you won''t have the court''s side if you do part ways. Although if both names are on the deed then in order to sell, both have to sign over to buyer.
To the OP: the only thing to consider is this--if you decide to purchase solely in your name when you do add him in the future, you will have to refinance. So even if you don''t add him now, I would do a full credit check to make sure that by adding him, it doesn''t hurt your fixed rate.
francesfarmer
Rough_Rock
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fieryred33143
Ideal_Rock
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OH sorry LOL
Well as far as the relationship goes, we became a lot more united than ever before. Nothing changed because we didn’t let it change. He usually always spends Sundays playing basketball with friends so that didn’t stop once we moved in together. I always meet my girlfriends for happy hours…that didn’t stop either. But it felt very much like us against the world. We became an instant family and it was such an amazing feeling. I didn’t think it was possible to fall more in love.
Here’s the thing about the engagement. It didn’t delay it per se because we never talked about it beforehand. But once you move in, his money is yours and vice versa. Even if you don’t join accounts, you are still very aware of each other’s spending habits, how much you have in the bank, and what you can afford. See, when you don’t live together, if he buys you a $2,000 engagement ring or a $20,000 ring you don’t think about it as much as if you were living together. You just love your ring because its beautiful. But once you are both paying bills together, it becomes a “are you crazy spending that much money on a ring when we need tiles, the AC needs repair, the sink is leaking” or whatever other thing your money can be used for. You end up putting it off yourself out of guilt that the money that he should be saving for things the both of you need is being used for a ring. I think there are very few women that can live with a man and be 100% ok with him dropping a load of money for a ring, unless the two of you are financially able to do so (we’re a young couple so we are not…at least not now).
I think that if you do move in together, do yourself a favor and stay out of his account. Get a joint account to pay for bills but don’t be active in how much he has saved for a ring. It completely ruins it. I love my ring and it was only $4K and he had more than enough to cover it…but every time I think of how he spent $4K, I always think…man that’s $4K that he could have used for his new car or to get the tiles done or to do a million things we need to do in the home.
I hope that all made sense LMAO
gwendolyn
Ideal_Rock
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francesfarmer
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Oh Gwen you are observant!!! I am not in a hurry, that is all. I am still relatively young but have been with my SO for many, many, many years. Because I''m young, it''s not a priority. I just worry that some day I will want to get engaged/married but if we are already living together and own a home, it will be anticlimactic to do so.Date: 6/30/2008 4:52:40 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I think that would depend on the reasons why you weren''t getting engaged anytime soon. Maybe if you shared your answer to your other thread, about why we LIW are waiting, we could help you a bit more?
I wanted to throw my opinion in even though I haven''t bought a house before getting engaged yet, but my SO are shopping right now. Although our plan is to be engaged before we actually move in.
I think the most important thing is that you both know why you are doing it and that your reasons are the same. If you''re doing it b/c you want to save money and he''s thinking this is the next step towards marriage, then that''s not good. You also need to set guidelines like are you expecting to get engaged and if so when? It doesn''t have to be soon for buying a house to be a good idea but if you''re thinking maybe in 6 months and he''s thinking maybe in 3 years....well then that''s not going to be good either.
You need to sit down and have a good long talk with your SO about your expectations. If you''ve already done that and things are all lining up then do what you feel comfortable with b/c in the end you and your SO are the only people who have to live with the decision you make.
I think the most important thing is that you both know why you are doing it and that your reasons are the same. If you''re doing it b/c you want to save money and he''s thinking this is the next step towards marriage, then that''s not good. You also need to set guidelines like are you expecting to get engaged and if so when? It doesn''t have to be soon for buying a house to be a good idea but if you''re thinking maybe in 6 months and he''s thinking maybe in 3 years....well then that''s not going to be good either.
You need to sit down and have a good long talk with your SO about your expectations. If you''ve already done that and things are all lining up then do what you feel comfortable with b/c in the end you and your SO are the only people who have to live with the decision you make.
gwendolyn
Ideal_Rock
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For what it''s worth, I don''t think it''s ever anticlimactic to pledge to commit your life to loving only one person, whether you''ve been living together for years or not at all beforehand. But if it''s something you personally would rather not do (live together before being engaged/married), then by all means, own your own home! Be strong and independent, I think that''s great! I also think that''s a good idea if the marriage thing is many years in the future.Date: 6/30/2008 4:59:24 PM
Author: francesfarmer
Oh Gwen you are observant!!! I am not in a hurry, that is all. I am still relatively young but have been with my SO for many, many, many years. Because I''m young, it''s not a priority. I just worry that some day I will want to get engaged/married but if we are already living together and own a home, it will be anticlimactic to do so.Date: 6/30/2008 4:52:40 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I think that would depend on the reasons why you weren''t getting engaged anytime soon. Maybe if you shared your answer to your other thread, about why we LIW are waiting, we could help you a bit more?
I have this horror story of a friend of mine who''ve been together for 7.5 years, living together for 6.5 years I think, and she keeps begging him to marry her but he won''t do it, has never said he would, and they''re both stuck in neutral, not being happy with where they''re going but not dropping the relationship either. I think that sometimes, for some people (not saying either you or your SO would be like this), if there isn''t a firm idea of where the future lies, living together creates this sort of "good enough" place which is infuriating for the one who wants to keep progressing, and I would imagine it''d be only doubly as difficult in that situation if you OWN a home together, instead of just RENT a home together.
Generally speaking, owning a home with someone without some form of solid commitment (define that however you wish: time line, engagement, marriage) seems (to me) like it''s just setting up a tangled web... Obviously on a case-by-case basis it works great for some...but I would never do it. Then again, I also don''t think I see myself with a joint bank account after I''m married, so take that for what it''s worth.
iwannaprettyone
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bobbin
Shiny_Rock
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We have entered into a contract to buy a home. We are just waiting on finance.
We have discussed engagement and he has told me he knows roughly when he will do it. Also, in south Australia, defacto couples have the same protection from the law that married couples do in the case of a breakup- you are entitled to whatever percentage of the value you put in. Not that it makes the emotional and complicated side of a breakup any easier.
I am confident that I will marry him. I think that it may delay the engagement slightly as we won''t have as much money and we will both want to spend the money on the house not on a ring. However we both see this as a way for us to set ourselves up financially and create a family home for our children one day.
It is very much a positive thing for both of us and it has brought us closer together even in the last week since we made the offer. I think for both of us this is another step up in commitment to each other.
We haven''t actually moved in though and probably won''t until at least January- we are going to rent it out for a little bit so I don''t have to move during uni term and so we can do claim the repairs that are needed on it on tax.
Gwen- I was the same about keeping our finances seperate but with the way our mortgage will work it doesn''t make sense. Instead we have budgeted some spending money for each of use to go to our seperate accounts so that we don''t have to answer to the other person with how we use it. I want to retain some independence!
We have discussed engagement and he has told me he knows roughly when he will do it. Also, in south Australia, defacto couples have the same protection from the law that married couples do in the case of a breakup- you are entitled to whatever percentage of the value you put in. Not that it makes the emotional and complicated side of a breakup any easier.
I am confident that I will marry him. I think that it may delay the engagement slightly as we won''t have as much money and we will both want to spend the money on the house not on a ring. However we both see this as a way for us to set ourselves up financially and create a family home for our children one day.
It is very much a positive thing for both of us and it has brought us closer together even in the last week since we made the offer. I think for both of us this is another step up in commitment to each other.
We haven''t actually moved in though and probably won''t until at least January- we are going to rent it out for a little bit so I don''t have to move during uni term and so we can do claim the repairs that are needed on it on tax.
Gwen- I was the same about keeping our finances seperate but with the way our mortgage will work it doesn''t make sense. Instead we have budgeted some spending money for each of use to go to our seperate accounts so that we don''t have to answer to the other person with how we use it. I want to retain some independence!
kelpie
Ideal_Rock
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supergirl10
Shiny_Rock
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I was actually in this situation in April and we almost got the home, except we were outbidded.
Once we didn''t get it i told him that i was actually glad because i was very uncomfortable buying a home together if we were not at least engaged. He thought this was strange co we have been together for 4 years, but agreed and i hope that by the time house-hunting comes around again. We will be nearly married!
Once we didn''t get it i told him that i was actually glad because i was very uncomfortable buying a home together if we were not at least engaged. He thought this was strange co we have been together for 4 years, but agreed and i hope that by the time house-hunting comes around again. We will be nearly married!
Keepingthefaith21
Brilliant_Rock
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We purchased our home together almost 2 years ago.
We were not engaged at the time though it was discussed many times before we purchased. We also have additional agreements on record which we both signed that handled the logistics if we were to split. I never ever would have bought without these agreements in place. They protect both our rights.
Yes, purchasing before engagement has caused a delay in getting the ring. I am very frugal by nature and would rather see SO put $$ towards improvements to our home instead of a ring while he feels like his pride is on the line if he doesn''t get a ring that will at least wow me. I''ve tried to convince him a simple eternity band would be more than enough for my simple tastes but have quickly realized the ring is most certainly something he wants to earn bragging rights to. That being said, we haven''t stopped making improvements to the house since we bought it so saving for the ring has become a much longer process than we originally envisioned.
I have no regrets. Our home is lovely and warm and we already have a slew of memories in it. I''ve never sat in my house and felt so much as a twinge of regret. Given the opportunity to chose house or ring, I''d take the house all over again.
We were not engaged at the time though it was discussed many times before we purchased. We also have additional agreements on record which we both signed that handled the logistics if we were to split. I never ever would have bought without these agreements in place. They protect both our rights.
Yes, purchasing before engagement has caused a delay in getting the ring. I am very frugal by nature and would rather see SO put $$ towards improvements to our home instead of a ring while he feels like his pride is on the line if he doesn''t get a ring that will at least wow me. I''ve tried to convince him a simple eternity band would be more than enough for my simple tastes but have quickly realized the ring is most certainly something he wants to earn bragging rights to. That being said, we haven''t stopped making improvements to the house since we bought it so saving for the ring has become a much longer process than we originally envisioned.
I have no regrets. Our home is lovely and warm and we already have a slew of memories in it. I''ve never sat in my house and felt so much as a twinge of regret. Given the opportunity to chose house or ring, I''d take the house all over again.
meresal
Ideal_Rock
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I believe about 80% that my engagement has been delayed because of the fact that we live together (not home, just an apartment until we are married)... well that and I moved half way across the state to be closer to him. If I had stayed in Fort Worth, I'm sure he would have done just about anything to get me closer.
However, with that said... we have learned alot about eachother, that I woulnd't have wanted to go into an engagement/marriage not knowing.
However, with that said... we have learned alot about eachother, that I woulnd't have wanted to go into an engagement/marriage not knowing.
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