Long Distance Love

[galeteia]

After the comments made on another LIW thread, I found myself suggesting some of the LD ''coping'' strategies to FF, like watching a movie ''together''.

I also went out and bought him two packages of the fabulous summer sausage, made by the Mennonites up here, that he loves and misses so I can ship him a ''care package'' as one PSer mentioned on said thread. (Thanks, whoever you were!

)

Encouraged by those suggestions, I thought I''d start a thread asking all you ladies out there who are/have been in an LD relationship to share any suggestions/advice/observations you have about how to weather an LD relationship.

After all, I thought I''d scrimped and saved in all ways possible, but in that (now lost) thread people shared cost-saving tips I would never have thought of, so I thought, hey! There is all that wisdom out there, why not ask?

I would also love to hear about the struggles faced, and how you dealt with them. After all, they don''t say ''LD relationships are hard'' for nuthin''!

 

[galeteia]

Hijacking my own thread: Speaking of cost-saving tips, I recently bought a ''mini countertop spin dryer'' and it was the best $100 I ever spent. I will never go back to a washing machine and dryer again, I say! Now when I had wash my clothes, once I spin them in the spinner they come out so faintly damp that they are perfectly dry by the morning. (I wash my clothes at night)

I no longer have to strain the stitching of my seams by trying to wring out sopping wet clothing and then having them hanging around drying for a few days. My housemate was leery of the ''work'' it might involve but it''s completely won her over and she loves it.

Back on topic: I''ve discovered the pitfalls of fighting over IM. If fighting must happen, it''s better to do so on the phone, where things are defused much more quickly. My theory is that when you can hear the distress in your loved one''s voice, it breaks you out of your own anger much more quickly.

 

[monarch64]

DH and I dated LD for about 4 months...during that time we called each other and spoke every single day.. and that has never changed in the last 5 years. I think daily communication of some sort is key to LD relationships. Keeps both parties satisfied somewhat and both know where they stand on a daily basis--no wondering "where is so-and-so." I definitely agree Galatia, that TMing or emailing can be bad--there can be so many miscommunications due to tone, or lack thereof, in emails or TM''s. I think all of us PSr''s can agree that points can be misconstrued sometimes when it comes to posting, and it''s the same between couples as far as emails or Tm''s.

One thing I suggest is good old fashioned mail. Love letters, cards, sappy crap, you name it. Dh and I probably sent each other at least a card per week during our 4 month LD. I still have all of them in a box and from time to time I read them on a "rainy" day (mainly when we''re not seeing eye-to-eye--it helps!) Basically anything you can do to fan the flame of love is a good thing...send flowers, call, send his mom cards or flowers, or anyone you are close with in his family...all these little things add up. Cost effective-wise, when he comes to visit or you go to see him, stay IN! Go shopping for a particular recipe together, cook dinner together, etc. Don''t get sucked into the we must go out for we are a special long distance couple thing...you''ll only waste money and be distracted by public situations. (Just speaking from experience, and just a suggestion, of course.)

Lastly, just remember every day that there WILL be a time when you''re together, and don''t rush things. Life has a way of working itself out to where you will be together, and somehow all of a sudden you''ll be missing some of those private hours you used to have by yourself, lol!

Good luck to you!

 

[basil]

A topic near and dear to me!

I can''t really speak for what works for other people, but I''ll try to summarize what is currently helping us out a lot. A little background: We''re both very busy and work demanding schedules in jobs that don''t give us a lot of flexibility. We often only get one weekend off per month, and it''s difficult to coordinate to have the same weekend off. On the distance scale, we live too far away to drive, but a 1.5 hour direct flight.

1. We talk every day, and we haven''t missed a day yet. We got a cell phone plan that has free minutes to each other, and we got comfortable headsets for our phones. We can talk on the phone while cleaning, watching tv, eating, whatever. Even if he is watching a movie and I''m doing laundry, we''re on the phone. Even if we aren''t talking. I think it''s helpful to feel like the other person is there, if just to say "what''s wrong?" when you say "ouch" when you stub your toe

2. We talk in the morning, just for 5 minutes while I''m walking to work or when I just get out of the shower. Just to say goodmorning.
3. We often talk just as I am going to bed. For some reason, it''s comforting to me to say goodnight and then turn off the light and go to sleep.
4. We make the time to talk. Even if he is running out of his job to another meeting, he''ll call on the way to the car.
5. We make all our decisions together. Even though it''s sort of a formality since we still have separate finances, I always ask him if it''s ok to buy a new pair of shoes, and he always asks if he can purchase an X-box game. If I make any changes to my apartment, I make sure to include him in the decision. Even though he doesn''t live there right now, it will be his apartment too one day. And even though we have separate bank accounts now, it''s important that we get comfortable with each other''s spending habits.
6. We''ve made it a priority to visit as often as possible. This involves a lot of planning ahead, and some nagging of our superiors at work to do their scheduling ahead of time. Even if a flight is more expensive than we would like, we usually pay it if we both have a weekend off. It''s the most important thing, and we can skimp on other areas.
7. We email during the day with varying frequency, depending on how busy we are. Sometimes I send him 6 emails about various things before he gets a chance to write a one line reply. Sometimes it''s the other way around. I think the things above help us know that it''s not that the other doesn''t want to reply to the email or isn''t interested, it''s just that they are really too busy.
8. Even though we are rarely at each other''s apartments, we leave things there. A set of PJs, a toothbrush, shampoo, etc. That way it feels more like home when we visit.
9. When we visit, we do menial things too. Like laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, taking out the trash. It makes it seem more like we''re living together, rather than being a guest. And it''s amazing how much more fun it is to shop for paper towels at Walmart with him than alone!

10. We don''t take each other for granted. I still run to the phone when I know it''s him. And I still look forward to talking to him every evening. Even though it''s really difficult being so far away for such a long time, I know that it''s much better than never having him at all.

 

[TravelingGal]

LD for 2.5 years Los Angeles to Australia.

Due to the time difference, it was hard to talk every day. So my tip is don't freak if you don't talk to him every day...you just have trust that he is thinking of you.

Oh yeah...and trust. You have to trust him...and not give him any reason to feel insecure. LD is a big investment and people can get weary...and look for a reason that it won't work out.

Do something for YOU during this time...you probably have some spare time since you are alone. I trained for a marathon while we were LD, and it helped focus my energy on something else besides missing him.

And yes, I agree with phone calls just to hang out. Our record call was 11 hours. We just sat, chatted, and I listened to him tell me what he was making for dinner. Boring, mundane, WONDERFUL stuff.

 

[KimberlyH]

Hubby and I dated LD about 10 months before I moved to be near him. I mentioned in the other thread we watched TV and movies together and sent care packages. We also talked every morning while I drove to work. Put one another to bed, so to speak, meaning spoke to one another last every night (he actually walks me to our room every night and tucks me in now that we live together, he''s a night owl, I am not, so very sweet). Email. Called one another every day no matter the circumstances (one of us was traveling etc.). Discussed mundain things like what was for dinner. Included one another in the goings on in our social circles so we felt connected and grew to understand each others friends. We''re always honest about where we were going, who we were with and what we were doing.

 

[onedrop]

Ooohhh I like this topic!

I will echo much of what has been said here. My BF and I have been in an int''l LDR for almost 1.5 years. It''s been difficult but at the same time very educational. One thing we try to maintain is talking everyday. Usually my BF will call in the morning and in the evening as he is going to bed. We try and IM everyday in between phone calls. And I have gotten more into letter writing as well. My heart pitter-patters when the mail man comes to the door to drop off a letter for me! The main thing is to try and weave the person into your life as much as possible. I.e., tell them all about your day no matter how boring, describe the clothes you are wearing to each other, tell them about ALL of friends so that they will know them when they finally meet, etc. My BF loves soccer and is at a match almost every weekend (he often calls me from the match to discuss something or another). I on the other hand never gave a thought about soccer before meeting him, but now I find myself watching. And we''ll discuss the players and the stats and all. So we have found a new thing in common.

When we see each other we try to cram everything mundane into the first part of the trip, while the second part of the trip is devoted to just enjoying each other.

TG is spot on about the trust issue. It is vital. I have come to learn this over time. And though I don''t want to do domestic LD, let alone int''l LD EVER again, I think it''s been a really good experience for me, and has helped us to bond in different ways. And I don''t take him or our relationship for granted, given the current circumstances.

 

[JCJD]

DH and I were long-distance for 4 years while I was in college (9 months out of the year), Nebraska to Illinois, a 7 hour drive away.

Cell phone free nights and weekends are a godsend! We talked every day if possible. We would (and still do!) tell each other about our days, all the nitty gritty detail, and we often got sidetracked, making our conversations last for hours - it''s wonderful!
IM and email are good for cute little notes to each other. Don''t have big conversations or fight over the web though, things really get misconstrued.
Use your local Hallmark store! Send each other just-because notes as well as birthday and holiday cards.
Accept the fact that you are not the only thing on his mind, just as he is not the only thing on yours. This is essential for the future of your relationship, and I think it is a vital ability in marriage. Cultivate your own interests, focus on your work/studies, have your own friends, miss a phone call opportunity once or twice a month to hang out with your girlfriends or go to that party. It will make you a more interesting and engaging partner if you have your own "thing" going, and they don''t say absence makes the heart grow fonder for nothing!
Listen to your friends. They can see your relationship with an analytical eye and can help you deal with the LDR stresses.
Be honest, with him and with yourself. You should expect nothing less from him.

 

[honeybee]

My boyfriend and I have had altogether about 2 years of long distance. The first year long distance (our second year together) we were about 2.5 hours away from each other, so still driving distance...and it was awful. We did not fair very well, but we made it through it. I learned a lot from that. Namely that you can not become healthy individuals when you are consumed by each other (aka. driving to visit any chance possible, talking on the phone as much as humanly possible, obsessing about every detail, etc.) As much as it seems that seeing each other a bunch would help, it totally did not. I actually think it made it worse b/c it was a constant battle as to who was driving where and when and what did it mean when they said this or that over the phone. I''d say the best advice is that you need to learn to trust each other and to enjoy one another''s company when you have it, and when you don''t have that company, you need to learn have healthy hobbies, and good friends. Stay busy! Self-confidence and healthy communication are key.

Our second time at long distance relationships he was in Sweden and I was in California, and believe it or not, it actually went great, and I really truly believe that it helped our relationship. We set up video chat through instant messenger (got web cams and microphone headsets) so that way we didn''t rack up any phone bills and still got to see each other, and we talked maybe a few times a week. There were a few weeks in there where he got really homesick, so we talked everyday, and some where we talked maybe once or not at all. We basically went into it as " look, we know we love each other and that we''ll each make smart choices for ourselves, and we know we''re in it for the long haul, and we know that these experiences are really invaluable for our own self growth, so we''re gonna make the absolute best of it, encourage each other to have life experiences, and not waste our time fighting about stupid stuff, b/c the time we have to speak to each other is limited." Mind set makes all the difference in the word. I also sent him care packages periodically w/ sappy cards (I second the Hallmark store recommendation, they have awesome cards!), funny movies, magazines, etc, and he would send me postcards from all the cities he visited. It ended up being a lot of fun and at the end of his stay I flew over and spent his last month there w/ him & we got to travel and see all the places he had been telling me about. Over all, we survived, and I think are much better for the wear. We now know that our relationship can survive quite a bit, so that is more than a little reassuring.

I''d say that good advice would be to keep both yourself and him as a top priority. ie. Life experiences are very important for everyone to have, and being tied to the phone or computer is not conducive to having these experiences. You must also know for yourself that you can make it and be happy whether he is there or not. So... go on, be happy, and make the most of your life as it is and consider each other as supportive happy additions to the life you are currently living.

 

[galeteia]

What wonderful replies! It''s lovely to hear other people''s stories...

We also like to have the ''goodnight chat'' even if it''s a quick one, where we turn off the lights and tuck ourselves into bed while talking on the phone. We were always big ''pillow talkers'' in that we tended to spend a lot of time snuggling/lazing around in bed or on the couch, discussing complex topics. Some couples have those marathon conversations in cafes, we have them lying down! The ''goodnight'' calls let us talk in the dark, which is a nice reminder of the ones we used to have in person.

The trust issue IS a doozy. I had a real struggle in accepting his female friend (thin, blonde, and prettier than me

) and not letting my own insecurities run away from me. I *know* he doesn''t like thin girls, or blondes, and doesn''t agree that she''s prettier than I am, so it''s all me and my issues. (Plus, she''s a vegetarian. The fact that I like my steak, and rare at that, is a source of much pride on his part and jealousy among his friends.

) I find it''s so easy to let my ''girlie brain'' run away with me, thanks to the distance, I really need make a conscious effort to push past my fears and stay with my instincts. They''ve never led me astray yet!

It''s strange, I was never a ''jealous girl'' type before, but this distance does a number on me sometimes. But then FF sends me a camera phone snapshot of a Galateia-friendly recipe he''s trying to perfect before I arrive, or he mentions some place he''s going to take me when I get there, and the wistfulness and anticipation in his voice reminds me I''m being an idiot.

Often he leaves me little ''notes'' on my computer via IM, updating me on the happenings of his day. He always leaves me an IM telling me he loves me before he heads off to class/work, so I can read it when I get up and check my mail before I leave for work.

I find it''s usually the little things that are so important to keep up. I can''t wait until he gets that care package...

 

[KimberlyH]

Galateia: My husband''s friends are 90% female; he''s known them all for 10+ years. It was a bit hard for me at first but I adjusted. And as I began to meet them all my fears went away when I met them and spent time with them. I haven''t developed a close relationship with any of them as they just aren''t my sort of friends, but we get along and can hang out together in groups.