Long engagement?

[Morticia]

Anyone else engaged, or plan on being engaged, 2 plus years? I am feeling kind of pressured, given the reaction I am getting from friends and family. My guy and I just got engaged, and we've gone over budget/debt, and decided that we would need about 2 years in order to afford what we want for our wedding and reception. We want a church wedding and a nice/fun reception, probably at a certain hotel, which I know is VERY expensive.

Anyway, when people ask me about "the big day" and I tell them, you would have thought I told them 100 years. It kind of hurts, b/c it's almost like they're insinuating that Ben and I are too old and we're wasting time. I'm 31 yo and he's 32 yo old. We are planning on paying for this ourselves. I mean, if our families offer, we will happily accept, but we are not asking for any help. We don't want to go into debt for our wedding, but we certainly want to do something. Unfortunately, the northeast is very expensive. We are in NYC and will probably have the ceremony/reception in New Jersey.

It just hurts my feelings with some people's reactions. I feel like say "If that is too long for you, you are more than welcome to pay for it so we can have it sooner.".

Or even better - don't come!

 

[AmantdeChat]

Hi! I wouldn''t worry about peoples reactions. My fiance (sp?) and I are not getting married until 2007. We are not having a huge wedding or anything (probably going to St Lucia or Antigua) but I figure it''s our life and our wedding so we will do it where and when we want!!

Good luck with your plans and just enjoy being engaged!!

 

[codex57]

People not planning the wedding all seem to think the shorter the better. Talk to anyone who planned a wedding, and they''ll say the more time you have, the better.

Forget what those people say. They just have no idea how much money and how complicated weddings are these days. I had about 10 months for my engagement (I''m somewhere in the middle now). 10 months is too short IMO. Wish I had more time. Totally doable, but it''s short in that I do feel pressed for time in some things (including saving for the wedding).

 

[Blue824]

While I''m not engaged, I honestly see nothing wrong with that. You''re saving up and trying to get into the best place to start your marriage off on the right foot. Agreed with Codex, a lot of people don''t realize how much time, money & effort is involved in planning a wedding now a days. If you''re comfortable with the timeline that you two have set, I think that is all that matters.

 

[researcher]

I will have been engaged for a little over 14 months by my wedding, and am EXTREMELY grateful for the time. Planning a wedding is hard, and it''s not right for you to have to sacifice what you want just so you can be married earlier. IMO, when your SO puts a ring on your finger, you have committed your lives to one another. The purpose of a wedding is to join your family and friends together and to share your love for one another with the world. Accordingly, I have a harder time with people waiting to be engaged because they don''t have the money than waiting to get married. What matters is you''ve vowed to one another to spend your lives together. If you want to wait to celebrate and say your vows before family and friends due to monetary constraints I don''t think that''s a bad idea at all. And trust me, you''ll be extremely happy you have all that time to plan!

 

[JCJD]

I kinda like that you-can-pay-for-it-if-you-can''t-wait response.... But seriously, I wouldn''t worry about what other people think is best for your engagement length. And you don''t owe them any explanation except: We decided to do this, and that''s that. You two know that this is a smart financial and acceptable personal decision, and frankly, that''s all that matters.

 

[NyssaLynne]

We were engaged 18 months before we were married and had actually planned to be engaged 2 1/2 years, but moved it forward when we decided on a destination wedding instead of the big chuch wedding.

I see nothing wong with a longer engagement.

 

[curlygirl]

Girlfriend, I feel your pain! I''ve been engaged for exactly one month and everyone is on my back about when we''re going to get married. I''m in NYC too and my fiance and I want to pay for our own wedding as well so I know just what you''re dealing with. We initially thought we''d get married at the end of this year but now that we''re really figuring out our finances and doing a budget, there is absolutely NO WAY we''ll be able to make it! So now we''re pushing for February (everything is cheaper then) and we''re getting heat for that because "what if it snows?", etc. I''m telling everyone exactly what you''re feeling, "if you want to pay for it, you can tell me when and where to do it"

Stick to your guns. Take as much time as you need to make it the kind of day YOU want it to be. If it takes two years, who cares?!?! Don''t let them get you down. But of course, don''t be shy to accept some monetary assistance if it''s offered!!

 

[flopkins]

Morticia- It''s your wedding, your life. Don''t let them get you down. I''ve found that when it comes to weddings, everyone thinks they have the *best* ideas for you... and although they''re trying to be "helpful" it''s best to just smile and say, thanks for the advice! and then do you own thing.

 

[HOUMedGal]

Morticia, my soon-to-be-fiance and I will be engaged for 2 years! Our situation kinda necessitates a 2 year engagement, because we are currently in 2 different cities 3 hours apart and will be until he finishes his PhD in 2 years (we plan to marry the weekend after he graduates!) I don''t think there''s ANYTHING wrong with 2 years, whether it''s necessary like in my case or chosen like in your case. If you need 2 years to save money for your big day, then so be it! It''ll be one helluva party, I''m sure!!! And it''s very prudent and wise of you to save for it instead of going into debt for it.

If you do decide to shorten your engagement for any reason, let it be because you and your fiance wanted to, not because of outside pressures!!! It''s no one else''s day but yours and his and no one else really has to have a say in when it occurs.

 

[Headerlyn]

I am not engaged yet but plan to be very soon. My bf and I have been dating for seven years and I get that all the time "when are you all going to get married," and I live in the South where people get married out of high school. So I really don''t fit into the "normal mold" right now. But as everyone else has said it is your wedding and try your best not to worry about others opinions. My bf and I both plan on paying for our wedding also and those things definitely take time. A wedding is something you will remember forever and is unfortunately not cheap. It is most feasible to make sure the two of you are able to pay for your wedding before it happens where it will not be a burden the two of you are stuck with after you are married. Congratulations and don''t let it bother you!

 

[snow_happy]

Hi Morticia!

My FI and I will be engaged for almost two years before we get married. I also get weird looks when I say that we won''t get married until 2007 and I have to go through the explanation of finishing school and wanting to get married in the winter... blah blah. People get excited (especially family) when they hear that you are engaged and they''re ready to party down... but it''s ok to make them wait! When the time comes it will still be a blast.

I see several bonuses to having a long engagement:
1. Time to do research and design a wedding that is totally yours
2. You don''t have to invite everyone that hears about the engagement right away (versus if you had a short engagement and then people would be expecting an invitation even if you weren''t planning on inviting them)
3. You can relax for a few months and enjoy being engaged!
4. Plan slowly so maybe you can spread the stress out and enjoy the planning process.
5. You can book the vendors you want way ahead of time to guarantee that you get them.

And for me... 6. Enough time for my dad to get used to the idea...

So no worries. You are engaged to a wonderful man and have a beautiful ring. SMILE!

 

[chellebelle]

Morticia~
Hi, I am a fellow 2007 bride!

I, too, have gotten those weird responses. I actually had a post about this awhile ago because I was upset about people acting so odd! I believe AmberGretchen is another PScoper that is getting married in 2007. There are a bunch of us!

Anyways, every time I tell someone I'm engaged, their response is, "Congratulations! When's the wedding date?" I know, of course, that is a typical response, but I just cringe because I know how they will react when I tell them.

At times I almost dread having to say it! I'm planning on getting married on 7-7-07, but people act like that's ages away. Maybe it is, but Robbie and I would like to save up. We want to go into our marriage with as little debt as possible (I know there's going to be some!). We have a particular wedding in mind, and we are going to have to save, save, save! There are other factors as well, one of them being school. I'd like to finish my second degree and I cannot imagine planning a wedding, going to school, and working two jobs. So many people do it, and I admire them so much! I just don't think *I* could right now. I'm also enjoying taking my time and getting ideas for what I would like for our wedding. What I'm doing now is putting together a "wedding notebook" and compiling pics and ideas of what I want. That way when the time comes to really start planning and hiring/booking, I won't be super stressed and I can book all the people and venues I want WAY early. (snowhappy pretty much summed this all up!) I also could afford to lose a few pounds and need to get my butt in gear!

Plus,the whole financial thing. There are so many reasons that a long engagement work for us and that's what counts. It is for *us* and that's all that matters. We are happy with our decision and are in no rush... we know we aren't going anywhere. Right now, I'm having fun enjoying our engagement! (And after dating and waiting for almost five years, I'm REALLY enjoying our engagement!)

Another thing I wanted to mention is don't think that they are insinuating that you two are old, because you are definitely NOT!!! From the pic you posted, I thought you were in your mid-twenties! I think everyone (whether they are 20, 30, or 40, etc.) that have long engagements run into people that react that way. I thought that I was the only one that this happened to, but I realize that is not the case. You're not alone!

Yes, my feelings get hurt, but I just think of how happy I am to be engaged and then cross them off the guest list when I get home.

hehe, just kidding!

I know it gets old fast, but just try to ignore those silly looks and comments. You two are committed to one another and are in love, have a gorgeous ring to symbolize it all, and you are going to marry the man of your dreams.

That's what really counts and as long as you know it, those people really don't matter! I hope you feel better!!!

P.S. Sorry for the insanely long post! I kinda got carried away!

 

[JessesGrl]

I got engaged 10 months before our wedding date ( 10/1/05). I have been dating my fiance for almost 6 years and wanted a short engagement, however it has been VERY stressful!!! I just finished my Masters Degree and had to intern 21 hours a week ( unpaid) as part of the advanced standing status. Therefore I could hardly work due to internship and 1.5 hour commute to school. We are living off my fiance''s income which at the time is mediocre ( he graduated college in may 04). Thank GOD my parents are paying for most of the wedding but we are still left w/about 7,000 worth of expenses ( my parents gave us a set in stone budget). Now I am dealing w/starting my career ( sterssful), just got a 10 week old puppy ( stressful) and now getting down the wire w/the wedding ( STRESSFUL). It has been a whirlwind and while I am extremely happy...I wish I could have enjoyed "just being engaged", I sort of skipped that and went in to full blown wedding hysteria!!!!!

 

[abradabra]

Morticia,

I want to start by echoing the "It''s your life, they should get over it" sentiment. I remember I just about had a heart attack when I read in Emily Post that a typical engagement "should" be six months--perhaps if you had been planning the wedding for a year before you got engaged! Golly day... A lot of places you can''t even be guarenteed to have your dress made in six months!

I think though, having been on the other side of things with a few friends with long engagements, you could be misinterpreting people''s reactions. Weddings are great fun and people are always really excited to share in the experience. Every time one of my friends gets engaged, I can hardly wait for the big day--wondering about who all will be invited, what the reception will look like, what the dress will look like, what special touches they''ll include in the ceremony, etc. So, if I hear that I have to wait a long time for this, I''m disappointed (but in a good a way because I''m only disappointed because I care about my friends and am excited to celebrate in them, not disappointed because they don''t do everything "my way").

If my reaction is normal, you could extrapolate that many of your friends and family react to weddings in the same way and it''s not that they''re being judgemental, just sincerely excited. Certainly from a "your-sanity" point of view, I''d try to think of it that way!

 

[northstar_78]

As long as you two are comfortable with it, that''s all that matters! I personally wouldn''t mind a longer engagement but my boyfriend would rather keep it at that golden year. We''re pretty settled financially so a wedding within a year of the ring would work.

Having said that we decided that this summer was not the summer to be engaged particularly because of travel plans and other expenses that are popping up. If he did propose this summer, I don''t think we could have the wedding within a year anyway. So we''ll wait a bit.

Yes there is a lot of pressure! Our two-year anniversary is coming up this summer so we get a lot of questions. But I''ve been upfront to my friends and family about the previously mentioned travel plans and expenses. You should never have to justify a decision like that to anyone but most people won''t take no for an answer so I gave them something to work on.

"It just hurts my feelings with some people''s reactions. I feel like say "If that is too long for you, you are more than welcome to pay for it so we can have it sooner.". Or even better - don''t come!"

I agree with you! If they want you to have a fabulous wedding earlier and know it''s not within your budget then maybe they should help out! I''ve heard of some couples having a nice simple ceremony and throwing a lavish reception later when it''s more realistic for them...have you considered that?

Anyway, it''s your call. Don''t let them get you down!

 

[Morticia]

Thanks all!

I guess my feelings were just hurt this past weekend b/c 1) Ben''s dad was like "2007! Why so long? We''re going to have to re-visit that date!!".

Huh?

Then a friend of mine sent me an email and said "If you''re are waiting two years to get married, does that mean you will wait two years to get pregnant? That''s a really long engagement". Basically saying that she wants to get pregnant right away since we are in our 30''s and doesn''t want to get too old to have children.

Very weird. So, the wheel was turning this past weekend, and I started thinking that maybe two years was too long.....

I told Ben this and he said he does not want to put any wedding costs on credit cards. He wants to pay for it all up front and that it will take two years. I can appreciate that. I hate debt and don''t have any credit cards, only AMEX, that I have to pay in full every month.

But I''m just feeling stressed out, I guess. My mom is totally for the 2 year engagement though.

Anyway, thank you for your encouragement.

 

[northstar_78]

If you think a wedding is a big investment, a child is a life-long investment!! Yes you should do what makes you happy BUT I think your friend''s remarks are a little off-base, as is your inlaws.

1. Medical technology has pushed the typical "child-bearing" years waaay back but it doesn''t hurt to get your fertility checked.
2. Would you rather start your married life together in debt after that big wedding?
3. If you''ve been together for several years I think that is a statement of commitment in itself
4.Why are they calling the shots?

I too live in NYC and EVERYTHING is expensive here!

 

[elephant]

Morticia -- don't even worry about it! This is your day. Bottom line. My bf (hopefully soon to be fiance) came up with the following plan: We will get engaged this summer. He's going to bschool in the fall in upstate NY. I will move to DC when my lease is up and buy a place there and start a career. We will get married in DC when he graduates from bschool. Then both move to NYC so he can do his ibanking thing. That translates to a probably 21 mo. engagement and I couldn't be happier. I am SO THRILLED with this plan and a long engagement!

Here's why:
1) This gives us even more time to get to know one another. (We've already known each other for almost 2 years, but it never hurts.)
2) I can spend a WHOLE YEAR simply researching and cutting things out of magazines (don't think that I'm not going to get a subscription to EVERY wedding magazine as soon as I get a ring on my finger. ) and just thinking about what I would maybe like.
3) I think the extra time to plan will allow plenty of time to iron out kinks and generally make everything less stressful.
4) I can really start saving money and hopefully thus can have the huge blowout of a wedding that I've always wanted.

So, I wouldn't worry about what other people think. Your timeline is your timeline. As for your friend concerned about your childbearing age, she should worry about herself and not you. I mean, some people don't even WANT children! I know it's tough when people start pressuring you (about anything really -- I'm currently in the "when are you getting engaged?" stage.), but just stick your ground and I think you will be happier if you do!

Best of luck!!

ETA: I could also probably stand to lose a few as well. This gives me PLENTY of time before I have to order my dress!

 

[icekid]

count me in as another with a long 2 yr engagement! i am really excited about being engaged, and happy that i will have lots of time to enjoy it. i''m in medical school, which is crazy enough on its own, so we''re waiting until the craziest parts are over to get married. i''m going to need the extra time to plan! also, having more time to save money is also important to us. i''m not sure if our parents will help us or not. we don''t plan to ask, as they have already done so much for us, but will gladly accept if they offer

as everyone else has said, do what is going to make you happy. this is your big day and you should do it your way

 

[JCJD]

You know, I was thinking about this some more, and I realized that when we told people about our 7 month engagement, everyone was like, "Why so short?"! LOL!! You can''t ever make everyone happy!!

 

[elepri]

Don''t worry about people''s reactions! It''s always something. We''re not having a long engagement but when I tell people we''re planning on waiting a couple of years to have kids, I get the same shocked reaction. I"m turning 30 soon, how can I afford to wait! A friend of mine has been engaged for year, they still haven''t set a date but are thinking of next spring. It takes time, and especially, money to plan a wedding, you should do what you''re comfortable with.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 5/10/2005 6

7:40 PM
Author: elepri
Don''t worry about people''s reactions! It''s always something. We''re not having a long engagement but when I tell people we''re planning on waiting a couple of years to have kids, I get the same shocked reaction. I''m turning 30 soon, how can I afford to wait! A friend of mine has been engaged for year, they still haven''t set a date but are thinking of next spring. It takes time, and especially, money to plan a wedding, you should do what you''re comfortable with.

Sorry! I''m hijacking!

I already have a lady bugging me about having kids, and I''m not even married yet!! If she keeps this up much longer I''m going to say to her: "You know, I''ve never had anybody so interested in my sex life before." and then I''ll turn and walk away!

OK, I probably don''t have the guts, but it sounds great in my head!!

 

[heart prongs]

I''ll never understand what the big deal is about long or short engagements. I think that once he proposes, then people should know that it''s for real! I have to say...I loved being engaged -- it''s special and original. Think about it, everyone else is either single or married -- you have your own category. When else can you buy expensive stuff and rationalize. "It''s OK...I need a cute outfit for my honeymoon!"? Just don''t spend too much money since you''ll be engaged a while is my only advice! Oh yeah...and shop for and don''t buy a dress yet...b/c it''s fun to try on lots of dresses too!

I remember that people were asking if we had set a date 2 days after our engagement...I just figure they didn''t know that nowadays your date sometimes has more to do with logistics, money, time off, and timing in general than anything else. Enjoy your two years...and sooo don''t worry about the children comment either! You''ve got plenty of time!

Best wishes, klr

 

[rfath]

I''m with JCJD and Headerlyn.. you just can''t win! My fiance and I had been dating for 6.5 years and living together for most of that time... and it was a constant nagging from friends and family about when we were getting married - also a money and school issue for us. I''ve had to conclude that you just smile and nod and do with what works for you and your fiance.

FWIW, two years definitely isn''t too long, especially in the northeast with the way that the most popular and scenic venues tend to book up.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey - you have already gotten tons of responses but I thought I would just add my 2 cents of support

Chellebelle was correct - my FI and I are having an engagement of a little over 2 years - we are thinking of mid to late May or early June 2007. For us, this is for several reasons:
1. school - I can finish my qualifying exams and have plenty of time to plan after them, and he can get through his first year of law school and finish exams
2. The weight loss issue - I was in a nasty car accident Sept ''03 and am just now recovered (knee) enough to start intensively exercising again and lose the weight I gained after the accident
3. Money - we don''t need that long to save for the wedding we want, which is relatively small, but we want to have financial flexibility and we are saving to buy a house/condo as soon as possible

I think there are lots of reasons to wait so long. My mom and FMIL think the long engagement is a great idea, my stepmom thinks we should do it sooner. You can never please anyone and you really just have to do whats right for you - I''m sure you will question your own decision (I know I have), but you just have to keep reminding yourself that you have good reasons for doing things the way you are doing them. GL!!

 

[Lord Summerisle]

Got engaged only last month… and we’re still deciding. Initially we were gunning for a April/May 06 date, which is what we talked about before getting engaged, but now – we worked out the basic cost of the essentials (ring, dress, venue, suit) – we never wanted anything large or lavish (heck if anyone has seen Spaceballs – we want the short, short version of a wedding

) But even then the cost was going to be £1000-£1500 again we want to save for it and with changes in circumstances that maybe difficult to be organising when we don’t know how much we’re going to have in that time. So we’ve been thinking pushing it back to Sept 06… and I’m a wondering if going to May 07 maybe better and easier money wise, plus then we can maybe afford a few extra luxuries. Tho Caz did reveal one little thing about not wanting to wait too much longer than 07 was she had thoughts that had emerged that she now wanted to be married before she turned 30 – which is Nov 07 (I said that was nonsense…since your only as old as the guy you feel…. She’ll only be 26/7 then

)

Oh and we do laugh when ppl go on about kids… never gonna happen with us… neither of us are wanting em… never have, never will – we’re happy raising our Gerbils

 

[Melanie611]

I woudn''t worry about it. We''re waiting close to 2 years too. He proposed last August and we''re getting married in July of next year. Weddings can be very EXPENSIVE and we don''t want to start our married life in debt. So we''re both saving up. I think it smart of you to do what you''re doing. Plus, you''re assured of your pick of vendors.

 

[innerkitten]

When I get married in August I will have been engaged for almost a year and a half, and we have been together since 1999. Do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[bedhead]

i''ve already been engaged for 15 months. i don''t think everyone believes i''m really getting married, and no one wants to play wedding with me because we aren''t getting married for probably another year. we didn''t want to go into debt by getting married. i''m sure his mother would love for us to hurry so she can get serious about planning the wedding, but mostly everyone seems hesitant to talk about our wedding because we''ve been engaged for so long already. in the long run our long engagement will be for the best, because we are having so much time to comparison shop and plan. i''ve found so many different ideas that the look of what we want has drastically changed for the better, not to mention our knowledge of resources for saving money. seriously, after 15 months we just talked about our menu last night. we have no stress about the planning and haven''t had one diagreement over the whole thing. i guess if we had a huge wedding budget we couild throw a wedding alot sooner, but i really have a hard time spending so much on one day. i know it is important, the wedding, the party, but with more planning we are looking at saving around 5,000. ultimately it''s our wedding and we are doing it in our own time.