Looking forward to proposal, but scared about e-ring

[smithsmith]

Hi all,

I''ve been lurking here for a while, and let me just thank you all for these great forums!

I have a real feeling that my boyfriend is going to propose sometime between now and New Year''s. I am really really excited about this, because he is truly my soul mate and I would love nothing better than marrying him. My only fear is that he will propose with an awful engagement ring that I will have to pretend to love rather than totally crush him.

He was engaged about 5 years ago and it didn''t work out. He still has the old e-ring, which I have seen, and it is SO not my style. He had it custom-made as a surprise for the ex-fiancee without her input. Big old honkin'' marquise center diamond, 12 (!) side diamonds, and a fancy filigree platinum setting. I have tried to drop hints to him that I don''t even like diamonds, I prefer sapphires, and I like SIMPLE designs. I am not a jewelry type of gal. In fact I don''t even own a single piece of jewelry that cost more than $20. He is the kind of guy that feels like he needs to prove his love by buying wildly expensive gifts. I''m so afraid that he will present me with a big pile of bling that will end up spending most of its life in a jewelry box!

I even suggested to him that buying a nice sapphire and putting it in a cheap temporary setting would be a great idea. His response was that a cheap, fakey setting is unworthy of me. Gah!

I don''t even think I am looking for advice or anything, I just need to get this off my chest. If he proposes with something I hate, I will just suck it up and learn to love it or wear it for special occasions only I suppose. I just hate to think that he may be out there spending tons of dough on something I have no desire for. He is so hard-headed about this one stupid issue. Sigh.

 

[MissErin]

Oh wow - what an interesting situation you are in... Well let me start this off right...

WELCOME!! It''s great to have you in here posting now - especially with a possible proposal on the way.

Now back to the situation... I think you need to just sit down with him and be honest. Let him know how you feel and be truthful about your ring preferences. He obviously loves you so I think this may be good in the end. If you keep it from him, it could get ugly later, you know.

Whatever you choose, I''m sure you''ll make the right decision. Again, welcome. It''s GREAT to have you.

 

[mimzy]

are you worried that you''re going to get his ex''s old ering, or that he has designed a whole new mess for you?

if it is the former, that''s easy! just accept his proposal and let him know that you just aren''t comfortable with the idea of wearing a ring that was designed for someone else

if it''s the latter....eek. a lot of guys certainly have their own ideas about what they think an ering should be and what it should be about and, well, unless you are equally stubborn and hardheaded i''m not sure you''re going to have much luck. maybe if it is a really elaborate design you could explain that you don''t feel comfortable wearing something so fancy every day, and maybe suggest putting a sapphire into it and wear it as a RHR for special occassions, and switching the diamond out into a simple band to wear as your ering. if you end up with a diamond shape that you dont like, i bet you could come up with a technical reason why that shape isn''t what he really wants (i.e. princess/marquise, prone to chipping, etc).

but don''t fret about it too much and definitely don''t let it damper the excitement of your pending engagement

 

[smithsmith]

Oh I''m not worried about getting the ex''s old ring, I''m sure he knows I would never stop puking if he tried to pull that one off! In fact, I''m pretty sure he has gotten rid of it (resold it somewhere?) so I take that as an additional clue that he''s going to propose pretty soon.

I have the feeling that he would like to design a whole new chunk of bling bling for me, and probably feels compelled to "out-do" the ex''s old ring. I think I''m just going to brace myself for a gaudy whopper of a diamond ring and if it''s anything even close to my style I will be pleasantly surprised. I guess I could always just go with wearing it for dress-up occasions or going out to dinner, etc. if it turns out to be too much. I just can''t really tell if he has heeded any of my clues or not! Dang men.

Really, he could propose with a Ring Pop and I''d be just as happy! Love that guy.

P.S. No offense to anyone who is into fancy multi-diamond rings, it''s just not my bag. I think a lot of diamond rings look great on other people.

 

[mimzy]

well i hope it''s a happy medium between the ring pop and the gaudy chunk of bling bling

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/23/2007 4:08:17 PM
Author: mimzy
are you worried that you're going to get his ex's old ering, or that he has designed a whole new mess for you?

This isn't answering your question, per se, but it reminded me of something that happened to me a couple of months ago that I found beyond hysterical. I laughed only because it was so pathetic and wrong...no other response makes sense.

I have posted before about my ex forcing me to pick out my own ring. I know a lot of guys would prefer that the woman pick out her own ring, but I'm one of those people who is pretty simple to figure out. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what type of ring I would like. I wanted nothing more than to be surprised, and I got anything but. My ex pretended that he was doing me a favor by marrying me (we had a child together, and no, I did not push him for marriage at all - I owned my own home, made more $$ than he did and was more than capable of raising a child solo), and my only error was marrying him as opposed to throwing him to the curb. Anyway....

When I got divorced, my ex insisted that I return my e-ring and wedding band. He really made an issue of it, which might have made sense if they were, say, family heirlooms, which they were not. My attorney told me that I didn't have to do that - an e-ring and wedding bands are legally considered a gift. Etiquette-wise, if a woman breaks an engagement, it's proper to return the ring; if a guy does, she can keep it if she wants. Going through the marriage nulls out that etiquette. Once the marriage takes place, the rings are the woman's. This is why, if you are getting engaged with a family heirloom, it's smart for the guy (if it's from his family) to include a pre-nup clause that includes the return of the ring in the event of a divorce.

I told my attorney that my ex was asking for the rings back out of pure spite (he thought it would hurt me to give them up), and if he wanted them, he could have them....seeing as he wouldn't get a fraction of what he paid for them if he sold them. Ladies, he didn't sell the rings. Oh, no. He did something better....

My ex got engaged a couple of months ago. I should point out that the last year of our marriage was horrible and the divorce (the stress and drama during and not the actual act of) was worse. He's made it his personal mission to be a pain in the butt since our divorce, to the point of using our child as a bargaining chip. When he started dating, he backed off, and when he got engaged, weeks would go by without peep from him. So I thought, "Good! You've FINALLY got your own life. Now you can leave me the hell alone." One thing I did insist was that I meet this woman face to face. My son would be spending time with her if she is in my ex's life and home, and I wanted to give her the up-down myself to make sure there were no red flags. My ex insisted on meeting my boyfriend for the same reason, which I had no issue with. When I met her, I didn't have any thoughts about her aside from that she seemed normal, if a little stand-offish and snippy. I congratulated her on her engagement - and (sit down for this one) NOTICED THAT SHE WAS WEARING MY OLD E-RING!!!! No, I am NOT kidding! My e-ring was a champagne diamond in a unique, custom artisan platinum setting. There is not another one like it anywhere.

Since I don't know this woman well, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she was snippy because a) my ex probably told her something untrue about me or b) she was nervous. When I met my boyfriend's ex-wife, I was reserved, also. But I did say to my ex in somewhat of a stage whisper - which his fiancee may or may have not heard since she was looking the other way - "Nice ring. Glad to see that you recycle." He was SPEECHLESS and obviously caught off-guard.

I am not a mean person by nature, but if this woman did not catch on AND/OR she displays a pitchy attitude towards me for any reason, I will just politely ask her if she would like to see my old wedding photos (which I saved only for my son's benefit). "Her" ring is prominently displayed in several of them and there is no hiding it.

I am laughing because I cannot believe that my ex would be so cheap....NOT TO MENTION delude this woman into thinking that she is getting a unique ring for her own merits. Or as a friend of mine pointed out, "If it was a plain solitaire, a guy could potentially get away with doing that....not that that makes it right. But your ring is unusual." So I said, "I'm surprised she didn't question it. To which my friend replied, "Oh, he probably poured on the cheese and said something like, "This ring is one-of-a-kind and unique, just like you are!" My ex is too lazy and self-involved to bother selling the original ring or trading it in. And I feel bad for this poor woman, because she has NO CLUE what she's getting into....

All I know is that I would be angry and upset if I got a recycled ring. The only instances I would wear a "used" ring was if it was bought in an antique shop or if it had family sentimental value.

Not to thread hijack, but what do y'all think?

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Sha]

smithsmith, can''t you gently suggest to him what you would prefer in an e-ring? I support bf''s choosing their gf''s rings, generally, but in this case it sounds like the ring he might pick would not be much to your taste at all. It would be sad, IMO, if you didn''t like wearing a ring that symbolizes your commitment to the man you love so much. An engagement ring should be something you enjoy wearing - not something you''re reluctant to wear.

I think you should talk to him - not in a way that would make him feel bad though. Tell him he doesn''t have to feel like he has to ''outdo'' the other ring on the bling factor -the number of diamonds on it doesn''t equate to his love for you. Tell him that you would prefer something classic and simple. Maybe you can show him some magazine photos of what you''d like? How would he react to that? I know you said you gave him some clues before - do you think you need to be a little more direct with him?