Loopy MOH

[So_happy]

I spoke with my sister/moh yesterday about my shower coming up this Saturday (tomorrow!!!) and she started complaining to me about the fact that the best man couldn''t make it. I had heard about this problem from the actual best man a week ago so I knew he was upset that he couldn''t come because my sister actually never even consulted him on good dates for the COUPLES shower. He has to attend a wedding on that day so he''s VERY bummed he can''t make it. He was also dissapointed that she never asked him for help in organizing it. (If it had been a bridal shower there would''ve been no need for the guys to get involved but when you throw a couples shower, involing the groomsmen is appropriate if not expected).

I mentioned to her that it woud''ve been nice to consult the "big players" and that if the best man fell thru the cracks then we''ll all live and that it was a mistake and there''s nothing we can do about it now yadda yadda yadda. (No use making her feel worse, right?). So then I mention that at least she made sure our parents were there and that THEY are the most important people to organize around. To which I heard.......................

Silence!!!!!!!!! And then she started apologizing.

My sister, who has done nothing to help me througout these 8 months of planning and has thrown me a very appreciated shower that is nothing that conforms to the "vision" I explained to her and has invited guests to my shower I niether know nor will be inviting to my wedding (!!!) didn''t even think or care to consult my fiance''s MOTHER as to the date of the shower. She actuallly has NO CLUE if she is coming because on her invitation (which I also recieved) she didn''t give a rsvp deadline date so now she has no clue how many to expect. Including, oh, the mother of the GROOM!!!

Sorry, that just really angered me. Even if we were having an all-girls thing, the FMIL should be consulted to make sure she can come!!!!!!!!!!!! And I had sent her SO many little articles and websites to help her prepare for throwing a shower. But as is her way (I guess.....I didn''t see this coming) she likes to ignore me and do it her own way.

This is probably coming off as totally selfish and bridezilla but I honestly can say that my sister, with whom I consider myself very close, has just not been there for me and has been actually one of those attendants that complain about the brides choices more than any of the others. She has not been able to make it to any of the wedding-related things so far (invitations....I did them completely by myself, seeing my veil and gown.....I went alone) and I can''t help but feel that the way she''s planning this shower is reflective of how much she really cares for me. I just know that if I were planning such a party, I would make sure the bride and groom would have everything they wanted within my budget and time allowance and that of course would include both of thier parents and at least loosley structured around the bride and groom''s initial "vision"!!!

Okay, vent over for now. Sorry so long winded!!! I will go to our shower this Saturday all smiles, wearing my best attire, and warmly and sincerely thank every single guest and bridesmaid and groomsman that does come, but inside I am more than a little hurt from my sisters/moh''s actions. Am I being completely unreasonable here?

 

[enbcfsobe]

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable. The "vision" issue is pushing the limits of bridezilla, but I think that it is entirely reasonable and unselfish to ask someone planning a shower to work within your guest list (especially when it comes to whether non-wedding-invitees!) and to coordinate with the parents of the couple and the other members of the wedding party so that most, if not all, can attend. Sometimes, though, it just doesn't work that way. One of my friends' two sisters were both out of the country when her FMIL threw her a shower. Her mom, though, came all the way from CA to the east coast for the shower. There just wasn't another date to do it when both her sisters and mom could be there, so at some point there had to be a decision. At the same time, that doesn't seem to be what happened here -- just pointing out that even the best planning can't always coordinate perfectly. I don't really think its a reflection on her feelings for you -- she didn't even consult her own husband!! It sounds like she hasn't really thought things through here, but that could be for a variety of reasons entirely unrelated to you. While it is easy to say that you'd do better, you may have (and based on all your super-motivated diy-ness) different skills than she does when it comes to planning and balancing things in your life. She clearly hasn't made the shower the #1 priority in her life, but I do think it would be a little unfair to ask her to do that. For some people, anything thats not #1 just doesn't get done very well because they're not good at juggling things. There's only so much you can improve that, so I wouldn't take it quite so personally. I would be disappointed, too, though. I hope things look up for you and your sister.

 

[akw94]

So Happy

, I''m sorry things are still tough w/your sister! I know that I would feel the same way if in your shoes, in fact, I do feel somewhat similar w/my bm that is in town. But I continuously try to let it go. It''s hard! I can say that it''s likely that they way she''s throwing the shower has a lot more to do with her and who she is than with how she feels for you. Some people just don''t have it all together. And maybe she doesn''t quite get what it means to throw a shower or at the very least, has a far different interpretation than you or I would have. It''s likely that the way she''s throwing the shower is indicative of who she is. Does she usually plan things kind of half-way or not quite as organized as you''d plan them?
Your sister isn''t married, right? Maybe she''s a little jealous or envious of you and so she''s not been around for that reason or maybe she feels like she''s losing you a bit. My MOH and I talked the other day about my in-town BM and she said that for her, some of the relationships w/her friends are just different now that she''s married. Maybe there''s not as much to relate to, no stories of unhappiness in the relationships to talk about, no dating experiences to share. Just that relationships between people change. Not to say you won''t remain close w/your sister but maybe wedding organizing/planning just isn''t her thing. Who knows! All I know is that I try not to let my friends get me down. Whatever they do or don''t do...

No matter what, have fun at the shower! Just remember that she''s throwing it, not you so you can''t control the time, location, food, guestlist, etc... All you can do is enjoy who''s there and the time you have together.

Oh, btw, you''re not being unreasonable!

 

[So_happy]

You make some good points and, yes, my "vision" statement even felt a bit selfish. I''ve thought about this alot and she honestly has been very contraindictory with me since the begining, not just the shower. She pretty much feels that my way of having a wedding is not to her suiting. She criticized my choice of bm dresses, the colors of the dresses, the prices of the dresses (they were $120), having the ceremony in a park, having a cocktail reception, having it on a sunday and on and on.......I''ve literally had to defend each of these choices to her. And these sessions usually end with me being peeved I''ve just defended my wedding choices and her saying something snotty like "well, you go ahead and do whatever you want but it doesn''t mean it''s a good idea.". (Sure, that''s a true statement almost everytime anyone says that but geesh, can I get a teeny bit of sister/moh support here? Just a smidge?).

About the only thing she actually sounded excited about was that we''re having an open bar!!!

At first I thought she might be more traditionally minded than I when it came to weddings (especially since she "critiqued" my having a cocktail recpetion and having it on a Sunday....both still non-traditional formatting). But then she started picking at me about guest names...... "why do you have to find out everyone''s guest''s names? isn''t that a bit controlling?"...... So I know it''s not that she''s on the up and up w etiquette and tradtion at all it''s that she simply doesn''t like anything really that I want to do and would rather it be her way. It''s strange, really. I know she''s always been the more relaxed extrovert and I the more organized introvert but those qualities need not be distinguished like this during one of our WEDDINGS!!!!

I''ve come to realize that her wedding views are very relaxed in the to-heck-with-etiquette sort of way. And now with her "relaxed" planning of the shower.....my feelings are confirmed. She just doesn''t put that much thought in to these things. And it''s not due to lack of experience.....she''s been IN a wedding twice.

I''ll give her credit tho, she''s probably dealing with alot personally that has nothing to do with my wedding and she''s still throwing us a couples shower. Sure, she''s making mistakes, and sure I wish she would''ve done a touch of research first so as to minimize that, but I am lucky she is doing what she is doing. I can also assume since she didn''t even think to make sure the groom''s mom could make the date she chose ahead of time she REALLY has no clue what she''s really doing and thus anything she manages to pull together could be something of a triumph for her.

This issue with my sister is pervasive and I do hope to get over it one day.......thank you all for listeneing and any advice as sometimes that really does help the "getting over" part come faster

Cheers!

 

[So_happy]

Date: 6/29/2007 10:47:14 AM
Author: dixie94
So Happy

, I''m sorry things are still tough w/your sister! I know that I would feel the same way if in your shoes, in fact, I do feel somewhat similar w/my bm that is in town. But I continuously try to let it go. It''s hard! I can say that it''s likely that they way she''s throwing the shower has a lot more to do with her and who she is than with how she feels for you. Some people just don''t have it all together. And maybe she doesn''t quite get what it means to throw a shower or at the very least, has a far different interpretation than you or I would have. It''s likely that the way she''s throwing the shower is indicative of who she is. Does she usually plan things kind of half-way or not quite as organized as you''d plan them?
Your sister isn''t married, right? Maybe she''s a little jealous or envious of you and so she''s not been around for that reason or maybe she feels like she''s losing you a bit. My MOH and I talked the other day about my in-town BM and she said that for her, some of the relationships w/her friends are just different now that she''s married. Maybe there''s not as much to relate to, no stories of unhappiness in the relationships to talk about, no dating experiences to share. Just that relationships between people change. Not to say you won''t remain close w/your sister but maybe wedding organizing/planning just isn''t her thing. Who knows! All I know is that I try not to let my friends get me down. Whatever they do or don''t do...

No matter what, have fun at the shower! Just remember that she''s throwing it, not you so you can''t control the time, location, food, guestlist, etc... All you can do is enjoy who''s there and the time you have together.

Oh, btw, you''re not being unreasonable!

Hello

You''re going thru this as well, I remember.

It''s tough....and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders about it all. I will strive to emulate that! I''m working on it though, I promise. One way that helps me is to remember that this really can''t be personal........but that''s the hard part. It feels personal. But when it does feel like that, coming on here is very helpful. Y''all remind me that it''s mostly about her and really isn''t likely that it''s her way of showing me she doesn''t love me. That simply can not be true..........or I''d be crushed. So, yes, your words of wisdom are good for me and helpful, and as always, I thank you!!!!

For all I know she''s rushing around like crazy today tying up last minute stuff in order to make it wonderful for me!

In fact, I haven''t mentioned this yet until now because it was just confirmed but she is going to make the trip out here today to see me in my gown for the first time!!!!!!!!!!!! I had an appointment scheduled because my mom was supposed to be here to do this as well but now that she can''t make it, I was going to cancel the appiontment (I''ve already put the dress on twice since it came in so I''m pretty much all set until the final fitting now)........but she said she''ll come.

I really thought she would beg out after mom had to cancel but i"m happy with this outcome!!!

And, no, she''s not married. My pronoun usage in my original post got a little unclear by the end

and I can see now how one could read it that way.

 

[akw94]

I know, it does feel personal. For me too so I really can understand where you''re coming from. But then I keep reminding myself of who this BM is, who she has always been regardless of me getting married. And she is my friend and each of my friends are in my life for different reasons. That I know that she''s my friend even though she''s not around in the way that I wish she was.
And ya know, you''re probably right that she likely is running around b/c even if it''s not the shower you would''ve planned, it still takes a lot of work. So perhaps she''s just overlooked the calling of the GM and parents and focused on the more concrete things like food, location, etc...

That''s so exciting that she''s coming out to see the dress. That will be fun! My bm is supposed to come help this weekend w/the cookies but I will not get upset if she doesn''t come, I repeat, I will not get upset if she doesn''t come!

Have a great day!

 

[surfgirl]

Since your sister seems unable to invite those people that should have been invited (or at least confirmed they were coming), you should get on the phone and call everyone YOU want to be there and make sure they''re coming. I wouldn''t leave it to your sister at this point.