Losing Independence

[Independent Gal]

Ladies, could you share your thoughts about losing independence when you get married? I''d love to hear from LIW''s, engaged ladies, as well as those on the other side.

I had a friend visiting who''s getting hitched in June. She, like me, has lived in several countries, traveled extensively, and had a really unusual career. She TOTALLY loves her guy but says she''s been waking up panicking when she realizes ''this is it'' in the sense of ''I can''t just take off anymore. I can''t make radical changes in my life, just because I want to.''

That struck a chord with me (hey, my name on here is ''Independent Gal''!). It scares me to think that I might never again be able to just pack up and go live in another country, take that job prospect in Singapore, or take the dream job offer I have on hold in my home country.

Of course, it doesn''t by any means scare me so much that I wouldn''t marry my guy! I love him and he is all I ever dreamed of. Same with my friend and her guy. But I wonder if any of you ladies went through similar jitters before making the Big Commitment, and how you dealt with it.

Thanks!

 

[asscherisme]

I have been married 12 years and have found it was NOT mariage that made me lose my independence but kids. My husband loves and respects that I am independent but kids require you to be there and deciding where to live is also dependent on schools, stability etc.

 

[vespergirl]

Hi Independent Gal,

I totally agree with Amy - I have a 5 month old son, & I went through a bit of a "midlife crisis" when I had him, even though I''m only 30. My husband & I had been together for 2 years, and living together for 1, when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant (cautionary tale - not all birth control methods have a 100% success rate We were both really excited, because we had talked about getting engaged later that year, and had talked many times about getting married & having kids - however, that had been the 5-year plan, not the 1-year plan

I was also married for a couple of years in my early 20s (no kids) and found that marriage didn''t change my life nearly as much as having a baby. I have always loved dating, meeting people, and having my freedom, but getting married on its own was great - no more horrible first dates, wondering if the guy you like is going to call, etc. It was a great feeling to get married, because for me, I was marrying my best friend, soul mate, someone who I want to be with all the time, so I think the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. The only drawbacks were never having another "first kiss", and the fact that um, "intimacy" can become a little mundane, but I think that most couples can overcome that with a little creativity, and besides, you grow a lot in emotional intimacy.

Having a baby, though, made a lot of changes. Both DH and I decided that one of us would stay home with a baby, and since his salary is twice mine, I gave up my career when DS was born. I so many ways, I loive staying home with him, and it is actually a lot less stressful than my job was (he''s such a great baby - smiles & laughs a lot, also sleeps well

But, I started feeling like, is this all there will ever be, same thing every day, just cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby, hanging out on PS for the rest of my days? But, once I adjusted to staying home with him, and now that I''m not nursing around the clock anymore, it''s been such a wonderful new life. Ever day we have the opportunity to explore different things (hiking, petting zoo) and he''s developing at such a fast rate it''s so much fun to watch him grow!

But, I am also continuing to pursue my interests - thingas that were previously hobbies I can now dedicate more time to. I had always wanted to be a writer, but I never had enough time to dedicate to getting started. Now I''m putting story ideas together, and am going to take a writing class - the moral of the story is, as long as you keep your eyes on your goals, and keep working towards the things that you love & make you whole, you will embrace the changes in your life as enriching new chapters, and hopefully not as things that hold you back.

That said, it also depends on the partner - my ex was an incredibly selfish guy, who STOPPED WORKING once we got married and expected me to support him & our home on my own - needless to say, when he refused to get a real job after 2 years, I cut my losses and was mcuh happier singe for several years.

Once I met my DH, though, I finally knew what it meant to be in a relationship that is mutually supportive, and where both partners help each other to achieve thier own goals, and work together toward happy shared future goals. As long as your fiance is the type of guy to encourage your interests and growth, and you feel the same way about him, and you have the same shared life goals, I think you''ll find marriage to be wonderful! And you never know - maybe your hubby will be willing to move acreoss the world with you for that dream job!

 

[Aloros]

I feel like yes, you do lose a little independence when you get married. You can''t just up and move somewhere else; this is a decision that has to be made by both parties. At the same time, you gain so much more. You gain a partner. You get someone to share all your exciting moments with. You get someone who''s always got your back and helps to make you stronger. And hopefully, you''ve got someone who drives you to be a better person. As long as you and your spouse have the same priorities and some similar interests, you''d probably not feel hindered at all.

What are you afraid of losing?

For myself, I live alone, and I love it. I have my single-girl habits, my guilty pleasures, the things I do when my bf is not around. I''m not ready to give it up. I''m not ready to move in, to get engaged, to get married. At the same time, given a few more months, my answers will likely change. I''ve experienced it and will be more ok with giving it up. Are you afraid there is something you haven''t experienced that you won''t be able to once you are married?

I think it helps to focus on what you will be gaining by marrying your guy than to focus on what you will be losing.

 

[Mara]

I personally think that the right fit for everyone is the person who will not expect them to change who they are or who they have become. To me your friend should be marrying someone who understands that she is an independent gal (like you) and understands her job or that she likes to travel alone or do her own thing sometimes, and is okay with it.

When I got married, I started a new life and new family with my husband, but it doesn't negate who I was before that. I still go out with my girlfriends sometimes. I have even traveled alone with girlfriends without my husband. He takes a 'guys' ski trip once a year and goes out with his guy friends sometimes too. We do things apart, we do things together. We are two separate people with separate minds but we made the conscious decision to join and mesh our lives together. I find that when we do things apart it gives us more interesting conversation when we are together as well, aka stories to tell the other. It enhances our lives together to have separate hobbies or interests.

You do have to be respectful of your mate, obviously you can't just take off for a weekend at the last minute and leave a note for them to come home to or anything like that. But I think that it's a balance and I think that most people when they have found the right person who understands them, will not have too many issues with modifications to a lifestyle. Also typically you work many things out while dating so before you actually head to the altar, many times you've unconsciously already figured out how you two 'work best' together.

I vaguely recall having the same kind of 'oh my gosh' issues when I was looking at getting engaged and married. It also is a lot of pressure on someone to think that they are tying their life together with someone else, because you suddenly become 'responsible' for another individual, but you aren't having a child. So it was like 'gosh it's not just me I have to take care of anymore...I have responsibility towards my mate to be the best partner and person I can be and nurture them and care for them as well'. I think that a lot of people freak out about that...aka its not just me...and think it might be freaking out about losing who they are but in reality I think many of us are insecure about how we take care of ourselves and so adding someone else into the mix of who you are responsible for can be a daunting prospect. aka Can I be a great wife to someone?

I read an article on this before we got married, when I was feeling kind of panicky about the changes coming, and it made so much sense to me. I really wish I had saved it because it talked about a bunch of things that really resonated with me and it helped me realize that those feelings are normal.

I think also what finalized things for me was the thought of 'well is my fancyfree and footloose lifestyle so important to me that I'd be willing to forgo a life with this wonderful person I have found' and the answer was a resounding 'NO WAY'. But it also doesn't mean that once you get married you suddenly are stuck at home in a wifely role...you really make your life what it is and the addition of a mate to me is someone who helps enhance what YOU are all about, and you do that in return for them.

 

[Cehrabehra]

my best friend and I were just kinda talking about this yesterday... we''ve been friends since freshman year of high school and I''ve been married since I was barely 21 and she at 37 is still single. I have three kids, she has none. I have yet to pursue my degrees, she is a PhD. I have two suburban homes with some land and quiet, she has a highrise loft in SF with THE most amazing view ever of the entire city (she''s south of market facing north!). I envy in her her freedom. She has been all over the world, going on safari this summer even. She envies in me the love I have with my husband, the emotional support and security. She''s ready to settle down now and looking forward to being settled, at least for a while. She wants to have a strong pair of shoulders to lean on... I told her the flipside is that you always have a pair of shoulders leaning on you. She is uncompromising and marriage is almost entirely compromise. Sometimes I feel so bound by my husband and children, but she confesses to feeling alone, lonely, afloat. There are attributes of both worthy of envy... she and I agree that having a partner through life edges out total independence, but only if you''re ready and wanting it. We also agree that THE most important thing is to appreciate where you *are*.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/25/2007 12:25:41 PM
Author: Mara
I personally think that the right fit for everyone is the person who will not expect them to change who they are or who they have become. To me your friend should be marrying someone who understands that she is an independent gal (like you) and understands her job or that she likes to travel alone or do her own thing sometimes, and is okay with it.

When I got married, I started a new life and new family with my husband, but it doesn''t negate who I was before that. I still go out with my girlfriends sometimes. I have even traveled alone with girlfriends without my husband. He takes a ''guys'' ski trip once a year and goes out with his guy friends sometimes too. We do things apart, we do things together. We are two separate people with separate minds but we made the conscious decision to join and mesh our lives together. I find that when we do things apart it gives us more interesting conversation when we are together as well, aka stories to tell the other. It enhances our lives together to have separate hobbies or interests.

You do have to be respectful of your mate, obviously you can''t just take off for a weekend at the last minute and leave a note for them to come home to or anything like that. But I think that it''s a balance and I think that most people when they have found the right person who understands them, will not have too many issues with modifications to a lifestyle. Also typically you work many things out while dating so before you actually head to the altar, many times you''ve unconsciously already figured out how you two ''work best'' together.

I vaguely recall having the same kind of ''oh my gosh'' issues when I was looking at getting engaged and married. It also is a lot of pressure on someone to think that they are tying their life together with someone else, because you suddenly become ''responsible'' for another individual, but you aren''t having a child. So it was like ''gosh it''s not just me I have to take care of anymore...I have responsibility towards my mate to be the best partner and person I can be and nurture them and care for them as well''. I think that a lot of people freak out about that...aka its not just me...and think it might be freaking out about losing who they are but in reality I think many of us are insecure about how we take care of ourselves and so adding someone else into the mix of who you are responsible for can be a daunting prospect. aka Can I be a great wife to someone?

I read an article on this before we got married, when I was feeling kind of panicky about the changes coming, and it made so much sense to me. I really wish I had saved it because it talked about a bunch of things that really resonated with me and it helped me realize that those feelings are normal.

I think also what finalized things for me was the thought of ''well is my fancyfree and footloose lifestyle so important to me that I''d be willing to forgo a life with this wonderful person I have found'' and the answer was a resounding ''NO WAY''. But it also doesn''t mean that once you get married you suddenly are stuck at home in a wifely role...you really make your life what it is and the addition of a mate to me is someone who helps enhance what YOU are all about, and you do that in return for them.

I couldn''t have said it better. My sister''s been giving me a lot of grief about this, like it''s a horrible thing that I''m getting married because I''m losing my identity, my independance and all that... And I think that''s a load of BS.

FI and I were LD for 16 months because of my school before we got engaged. I didn''t come back for him, I came back for myself. Getting engaged didn''t change our relationship one bit. It was his turn to have to leave last January, he left for two months for work, and it was fine. We''re moving together on Sunday (

), and I won''t even be there for the first two months because I got an 8-weeks contract away from there... We have a lot of respect for what needs to be done for school and work, and we feel that in the long run, being apart two months here and two months there is not really a lot. We really can''t see why we would sacrifice important learning experiences because we''re engaged/married/whatever and suddenly we can''t spend time apart at all.

And of course we''ll still have boys/girls nights out on our own... J wants to take Business English classes, I''ll keep playing in my band and going to my Bible study group once a week.

I hope I''m making sense. I honestly don''t really understand this fear that some people (including my sister) have. I was asked by a friend once if I didn''t want to "do stuff" (whatever that means) and travel first (before getting married)... What''s stopping me from "doing stuff" and travelling with my husband? I''ll be 22 in less then 2 weeks, we''re not in a rush for kids.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 4/25/2007 12:09:18 PM
Author: vespergirl
Hi Independent Gal,

I totally agree with Amy - I have a 5 month old son, & I went through a bit of a ''midlife crisis'' when I had him, even though I''m only 30. My husband & I had been together for 2 years, and living together for 1, when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant (cautionary tale - not all birth control methods have a 100% success rate We were both really excited, because we had talked about getting engaged later that year, and had talked many times about getting married & having kids - however, that had been the 5-year plan, not the 1-year plan

I was also married for a couple of years in my early 20s (no kids) and found that marriage didn''t change my life nearly as much as having a baby. I have always loved dating, meeting people, and having my freedom, but getting married on its own was great - no more horrible first dates, wondering if the guy you like is going to call, etc. It was a great feeling to get married, because for me, I was marrying my best friend, soul mate, someone who I want to be with all the time, so I think the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. The only drawbacks were never having another ''first kiss'', and the fact that um, ''intimacy'' can become a little mundane, but I think that most couples can overcome that with a little creativity, and besides, you grow a lot in emotional intimacy.

Having a baby, though, made a lot of changes. Both DH and I decided that one of us would stay home with a baby, and since his salary is twice mine, I gave up my career when DS was born. I so many ways, I loive staying home with him, and it is actually a lot less stressful than my job was (he''s such a great baby - smiles & laughs a lot, also sleeps well

But, I started feeling like, is this all there will ever be, same thing every day, just cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby, hanging out on PS for the rest of my days? But, once I adjusted to staying home with him, and now that I''m not nursing around the clock anymore, it''s been such a wonderful new life. Ever day we have the opportunity to explore different things (hiking, petting zoo) and he''s developing at such a fast rate it''s so much fun to watch him grow!

But, I am also continuing to pursue my interests - thingas that were previously hobbies I can now dedicate more time to. I had always wanted to be a writer, but I never had enough time to dedicate to getting started. Now I''m putting story ideas together, and am going to take a writing class - the moral of the story is, as long as you keep your eyes on your goals, and keep working towards the things that you love & make you whole, you will embrace the changes in your life as enriching new chapters, and hopefully not as things that hold you back.

That said, it also depends on the partner - my ex was an incredibly selfish guy, who STOPPED WORKING once we got married and expected me to support him & our home on my own - needless to say, when he refused to get a real job after 2 years, I cut my losses and was mcuh happier singe for several years.

Once I met my DH, though, I finally knew what it meant to be in a relationship that is mutually supportive, and where both partners help each other to achieve thier own goals, and work together toward happy shared future goals. As long as your fiance is the type of guy to encourage your interests and growth, and you feel the same way about him, and you have the same shared life goals, I think you''ll find marriage to be wonderful! And you never know - maybe your hubby will be willing to move acreoss the world with you for that dream job!

it gets more efficent as well haha!!!

 

[decodelighted]

I think the fears you''re facing are very normal in someone who is a bit older & has lived an adventerous life! The truth is that there are losses that come with every gain. You just have to decide which you want MORE. You two can also define the kind of relationship you want -- it might involve periods of apartness. I''ve know couples who lived on opposite sides of the country while working on goals etc -- or lived hundreds of miles apart & spent weekends together etc. There''s no ONE WAY to be a couple. Especially while you''re child-free.

Taking a job rules out all other jobs temporarily ... picking a college means you''ll never graduate from XXX or YYY ... we''re all whittling down our lives constantly. Making choices that leave other options on the table. The trick is (IMO) to keep opening up NEW doors too. Keep dreaming in OTHER directions ... keep inventing fresh ways to feel the kind of independence & vitality that the previous options (to pick up & go go go) used to give you. Whittle Down + Widen Scope = Balance.

 

[mia15]

Date: 4/25/2007 12:55:27 PM
Author: decodelighted
I think the fears you''re facing are very normal in someone who is a bit older & has lived an adventerous life! The truth is that there are losses that come with every gain. You just have to decide which you want MORE. You two can also define the kind of relationship you want -- it might involve periods of apartness. I''ve know couples who lived on opposite sides of the country while working on goals etc -- or lived hundreds of miles apart & spent weekends together etc. There''s no ONE WAY to be a couple. Especially while you''re child-free.

Taking a job rules out all other jobs temporarily ... picking a college means you''ll never graduate from XXX or YYY ... we''re all whittling down our lives constantly. Making choices that leave other options on the table. The trick is (IMO) to keep opening up NEW doors too. Keep dreaming in OTHER directions ... keep inventing fresh ways to feel the kind of independence & vitality that the previous options (to pick up & go go go) used to give you. Whittle Down + Widen Scope = Balance.

Deco, I love this. Thank you!

I like this thread. I will be getting married at a later age than a lot of people and this is a big issue for a lot of us. I am fiercely independent, have always travelled, often alone, so I know what it''s like to want to be able to do things on the spur of the moment.

One thing that''s helped me: realizing that trying too hard to maintain my independence turned out to be in the end a form of unspontaneous living. From now on, things will carry more consequences, but why not? That''s what happens in life as you keep going.

 

[TravelingGal]

Ha, I was just thinking about this last night. Here's my two cents...from a travelinggal to an independent gal........

No secret that I love to travel. From 2000 to 2003, I took a trip a couple of times a year, alone, and loved every minute. With every trip I took, I got to spread my wings a little more. It culminated in 2003 when quit my job to really soar with a 4 month trip to Europe. Of course, then I met TGuy.

In the months leading up to getting married, I often felt panic attacks. I LOVED my independence. I loved him too, but the thought having someone in my life so full time was daunting to me.

TGuy would be OK with me traveling alone. Not totally happy, mind you...but OK with it. But he'd wonder...why wouldn't she want to go with me...wouldn't she prefer it? With all this talk on PS of the Decomoon and "mental holidays" I was just thinking yesterday how much I missed doing my own traveling and meeting interesting characters along the way.

But upon further reflection, as much as traveling alone sounds appealing, now that I found the person I love, I don't think I'd get that far into a solo vacation before I would wish at every turn he could be experiencing it along with me.

And at the end of the day...I'd get to travel...what, maybe 21 days out of the year on great trips if I never married? But I get TGuy for 365 days to share a journey which is more profound than anything I've ever done so far. I love that at the end of the day, he's just with me and we get to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Do I miss complete single-gal independence? Yes, once in a while. But marriage has made me stronger, more reflective, more self aware and more understanding of the human spirit than I have ever had as a single gal. And I think that is what independence is about.

 

[Skippy123]

IndepGirl,
I so agree with Mara. You can be independent for sure. You just need to talk about it with your sweetie. I go to happy hours with girlfriends and I have been on girls trips while married. I think those things make for a happy marriage. My husband has done guy camping trips and goes and plays pool w/his guy friends. You do have to take the other person into consideration though. We make decisions together but we hear each other through before we do something big. This Sunday will be our 7 year anniversary and we love being married. It truly is about being the best of friends but also being comfortable with yourself and doing your own thing too. How annoying would that be to do things together 24/7; you would for sure lose yourself. I do think you do need date nights too not just me time in order to make it work in the long run.

I think your feelings are normal!!! Best wishes.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks ladies. Your comments are so wise and thoughtful, as always.

Sara: I had almost the same conversation with a friend of mine who is a stay at home mom. She always wanted my job but didn't quite make it through the 'hurdles', and I've always wanted kids and could never find the right guy. We were comparing our various forms of fulfillment and the things we really miss and feel sad about and the things we love about our lifestyles, and joking about how between the two of us, we're a single completely fulfilled woman!

I feel pretty sure that M would let me take off for a couple of months if I wanted to do a special course or something. And while he did pout for an hour or so about how he'd miss me, he said he could cope if I want to travel on my own now and then. And he certainly would never stop me from having girl's night out.

He is truly wonderful, and worth making sacrifices for. I felt whole and contented before we started dating, and it's like he makes me feel even more whole and more contented... if that makes any sense. I'm confident that he will enrich my life and that we will take good care of each other, and I'm deeply confident he'd be a wonderful dad too, if we're lucky enough to have kiddies.

I think the only thing that really worries me is that the nature of his career (which is more like his vocation...he's totally devoted to it) means I'd be seriously constricted in mine. That does worry me since I have wanted to do what I do since I was a kid, and I've put in a HUGE amount of work and struggle to position myself in such a way that I could do it. But I need mobility to continue, and that's going to be tough on him. We're both committed to trying to work it out. And it is POSSIBLE that things could work out great and we'd both get to continue with what we do. I'd say, 50% chance. So, he keeps saying 'Look on the bright side!' Yeah, I guess I should. And I guess I could do something else. sometimes I even feel like I WANT to do something else. But then I remember all the reasons I love what I do.

It's just scary to think you've worked SO HARD and for so many years for something that means a huge amount to you, and your partner has worked SO HARD for something that means even more to him, and something might have to give, and you know it will have to be on your end because he's that much more devoted to it than you are.

I know I have to make sure I'm OK with that so I don't end up resenting him.

I'm pretty sure he's worth it, though!

And besides, like Deco says, every choice opens a path and closes others. I've been leading an extraordinary life for the past 10 years, and in a way, I've already accomplished so much. Sometimes I remember how I fantasized about a 'perfect life' when I was 11 or so, and then I realize that I've actually been living it... or a more realistic verison of it! I've actually made most of my 'dreams' come true. And now it feels right that having a family should be a priority, even if it means risking not accomplishing some other things.

Still, it makes me jittery to risk giving up on those things. I guess that's natural.

(ETA: That doesn't mean I haven't had my share of hardship, struggle, loss, and sadness, but I consider those things part of a full human life... if we didn't experience them also, life would be, in a sense less 'perfectly human', so less perfect.)

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 4/26/2007 11:13:24 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Thanks ladies. Your comments are so wise and thoughtful, as always.

Sara: I had almost the same conversation with a friend of mine who is a stay at home mom. She always wanted my job but didn''t quite make it through the ''hurdles'', and I''ve always wanted kids and could never find the right guy. We were comparing our various forms of fulfillment and the things we really miss and feel sad about and the things we love about our lifestyles, and joking about how between the two of us, we''re a single completely fulfilled woman!

and sometimes walking a path just means it''ll be a while before you can walk another, not that you cannot do it. My friend L still wants to get married and have kids and experience domestic bliss... and I still plan to go back to school through PhD (If I can survive lol) and we joke that we''re just about ready to switch places and that in 15 years we''ll FINALLY both be on the same page LOL!! Except my kids will be out of the house and hers will be teenagers hehe

 

[Independent Gal]

Yay domestic bliss! I''m ready!

And hurray for going back to do your Ph.D when YOU''RE ready, Sara!

I don''t think my friend will do that, although I wish she would. Or plan to do SOMETHING when her kid(s) (only one so far) are older. Or now. She seems to have shied away from public life of any kind, actually, which worries her hubby apparently. Worries me too a little, as I wonder if, in her specific case, it''s a sort of ''reaction'' to not having found her place in the public world, rather than an active and positive choice to completely devote herself to childcare.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 4/26/2007 11:41:00 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Yay domestic bliss! I''m ready!

And hurray for going back to do your Ph.D when YOU''RE ready, Sara!

I don''t think my friend will do that, although I wish she would. Or plan to do SOMETHING when her kid(s) (only one so far) are older. Or now. She seems to have shied away from public life of any kind, actually, which worries her hubby apparently. Worries me too a little, as I wonder if, in her specific case, it''s a sort of ''reaction'' to not having found her place in the public world, rather than an active and positive choice to completely devote herself to childcare.

ugh I couldn''t do this forever.... I was a preschool teacher for a couple years when I was 18-20 and I decided that I''d be a stay at home mom then because the kids who were dropped off for a couple hours of school were every last one of them more adjusted than the kids there for 8-10 hours a day. Now, that''s not a judgment, people turn out fine... but it absolutely shaped my choice. And I knew I didn''t want to get 1/2 way through and stop to take 10 years off to have kids. But I am NOT a good betty homemaker LOL In fact I really suck at it. I''ve had a singular passion for theoretical physics since I was like 12 and it has never NOT been an option. I feel very very very very very out of the loupe now after all of these years fulfilling my mothering duty (that''s how it feels to me, that''s not mean every woman should feel it is her duty) and I am so ready to get out there... the youngest will be in 1st next year and that''s when I planned to go back - kids in school full time, mom in school full time. But I''m just going to do it part time for this year and take next year off after we move to CA (no need to pay out of state tuition LOL) and then get busy... My friend L has ALL of her school done and her career established so taking a break now is actually a pretty good time... but I didn''t want to wait this long to have kids for sure (late 30''s) so I decided to have them young and "get it overwith" LOL!

I just want to add that I''ve said several things in this post that are how *I* feel or what I wanted for myself and NONE of them are meant as a judgment. There is room in this world for each person to have their own goals, priorities, feelings, and opinions

ETA I just noticed I wrote "out of the loupe" instead of out of the "loop" and I''m just going to leave it because that''s just TOO FUNNY!!! LOL

 

[firebirdgold]

It doesn''t feel like a sacrifice at all! Now that I''m an old married lady (1.5 months!

) I do get taken aback occasionally by a lessening of privacy, but I''m not feeling anything about losing some independence.
We''re moving to Eugene because he''s changing jobs and I view it as a new and exciting adventure. I''d never travel on vacation without him, I''d just spend the whole time wishing he was there.

Otoh, I''m currently sitting in the airport (yay free wireless) on my way to LA and then on to Eugene to house hunt without him. I basically just said: ''oh by the way I''m going to be gone from the 26th through the 29th.'' ... after I''d bought my tickets and booked my hotel. I had told him I was thinking about going soon though.
In retrospect I probably should have discussed it a bit more with him.

I kinda forgot about a concert we were supposed to go to together. So now we publish on the web and subscribe to each other''s calendars to keep track of things like that.

The way I looked at it was that even if we weren''t married I''d still move to be with him w/o hesitation. And he carefully considered my needs and plans as equal to his in making this decision. He''s lost some independence just as much as I have. But neither of us consider it a loss, but rather a gain.

btw, I''m glad you''ve decided domestic bliss isn''t all that terrible!

 

[peridot83]

As someone who is in a long term relationship, and is still on the young side, I think I have some of the same fears as you, Indepedant Gal, but more because I HAVEN''T had the opportunities yet to travel etc. As Deco said, everytime you make a choice you probably closed off some possibilities, and I think its scary to be starting your adult life saying "yes I will be with this person and am willing to close off a lot of the possibilities I dreamed about when I was little because I love him"

I always wanted to live in a big city, travel a ton, be spontaneous and try new things, and in the first years of my relationship this seemed very possible. I would get double the benefits! The great great joy that comes from being in a supportive loving relationship AND a traveling/trying out new things companion!

But what I''m realizing now is even though we both had the same concept of where we wanted life to be, LIFE gets in the way. This of course, happens even when you''re single, your job or personal life can get in the way of plans and vacations. However, now that there''s two of us, there''s double the amount of the obstacles in the way. There''s two job responsibilites to coordinate, two family responsiblities, plus trying to still keep up with your friends and not becoming super icky insular couple. Sadly, this has already started to hit us pretty hard.

At this moment, do I mind that I have to make sacrifices to some of my personal dreams and goals? No, becuase what I get in return is so great and I can''t imagine not having it. However, every once in awhile I do wonder if, a decade from now, I will have done the sort of experiences I wanted before having kids, and whether I will resent him if I haven''t. That DOES give me a bit of a panic attack now and then. I''m just glad that our relationship is supportive enough that I can tell him my fears, we talk about it, and it reinforces how much I love him.

 

[Independent Gal]

Peridot, I hear ya. If I had found Mr. Right when I was 22 that would have been great, I guess. Two of my brothers coupled off early, one at 16, one at 21 and they''re both ''happily ever after''. But I''ve always loved being alone, and part of me is SO glad that I''ve had 10 years of adventures and experiences and ''fancy-free'' travel, and plenty of time to do my thing, explore, live alone, get to know myself, excel at my career and achieve my aspirations. Also, part of the reason I''m so sure that M is right for me is that I''ve had other serious relationships. I know what I need and what I have to give, and I have some experience of how to make it work.

So while I''m definitely jittery, I think I''d be HUGELY more jittery (and this is just me) if I hadn''t ''walked the Independent Gal path'' for a long time before becoming an ''island of two'' (as my mom and step-dad call domestic bliss...hey! what are we kids? chopped liver?).

None of which is to say people shouldn''t get married young! If you''ve found Mr. Right (or ''a'' Mr. Right, if you don''t believe in that) you shouldn''t let him go unless these other things are REALLY important to you or you think you''d resent him.

I was "lucky" that I didn''t meet anyone I''d have seriously considered marrying until M, so in a way, I guess I''ll have the best of both world.

Then I think about what Sara said about her having the kids out of the house while she''s still super young... and I wonder if it would have been better to ''walk the paths'' the other way around! Of course, I hadn''t met a ''Mr. Right'' so that''s just abstract.

There are so many different ways to lead a good fulfilling life. Thank goodness for that.

But re travel, I think you just have to decide to make it a priority. Will your parents REALLY mind if you go to Italy instead of coming to see them... just once? Just DECIDE that you''re going to put it first! Life only gets in the way if you let it.