Losing touch with your former “fat” self

[fieryred33143]

That might not have been the optimal title for this thread but couldn’t come up with better.

I have a friend that I love and we’ve been friends for years. She and I decided about two years ago to try and lose weight together. We would email each other every day with weight, what we ate for dinner, and the plan for the day. It made me accountable because I had someone to “report” to. We were doing really well together. The only difference between she and I is that I have always been big and she has yo-yoed for years between being overweight and being thin.

Around July of last year, she decided to do the Quick Weight Loss Center to lose her weight. QWLC involves taking pills and is $700 to join. As a result, I didn’t join. Pills aren’t for me (not to say they don’t work) and I couldn’t justify spending that kind of money. Fast forward about three months, she had lost nearly 40lbs. Before then we were averaging 5lbs per month so in those 3 months I probably only lost about 10.

Since then, she has forgotten what it was like to be overweight and how badly it can make you feel. I am a 14/16/18 (depending on material/store), she is a 4/6. She makes comments in front of me all the time such as “I’m such a fat pig, look at me I look disgusting” fully knowing she doesn’t. Or she’ll say “thank God I’m not as fat as a size 10 anymore, that’s too embarrassing” even though she knows my size.

Now I’m not looking for sympathy for myself because no matter what she says or does, I still have a problem with my weight and am working hard on losing it for myself and am proud of my efforts so far.

What I’m wondering is why do people do this? I can’t imagine that if I ever got down to a size 10 (let alone a 4/6) that I would tell someone who is a) bigger than me and b) unhappy with their size that I consider myself to be a “hippo.” I don’t think I could ever forget my “fat” self and forget the struggle I went through or pretend that I’ve been a fabulous size (whatever size that may be) my whole life.

 

[decodelighted]

I *think* its a self-defense mechanism ... using one''s own *revulsion* at their former fat self to keep them at their current weight.

That said, it''s incredibly self-absorbed & cruel to say those things in front of YOU ... knowing how you feel, knowing your sensitivity, knowing 1st hand about your weight loss efforts. Please tell her how her comments make you feel. Maybe she''ll be able to hold her tongue around you at least.

 

[zoebartlett]

Ugh -- I''m sorry that your friend is being so insensitive. I have a friend who has said insensitive things like that in front of me (about other people, not herself -- she''s thin). I need to lose a few (okay, more than a few), and it hurts to hear things like that. I can commiserate -- I''m sorry that I don''t have advice for you. I do agree with what Deco said earlier though.

 

[Skippy123]

I would talk to her about how it makes you feel; I would think about staying away from her if she keeps saying those things. As I get older I learn people who say things to make themselves feel better because they have other issues going on with themselves, sometimes. She should be supportive and encouraging, I am sorry. Sending you a hug and glad you joined the Healthy Lifestyle thread!!!

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/25/2008 10:33:31 PM
Author: Skippy123
I would talk to her about how it makes you feel; I would think about staying away from her if she keeps saying those things. As I get older I learn people who say things to make themselves feel better because they have other issues going on with themselves, sometimes. She should be supportive and encouraging, I am sorry. Sending you a hug and glad you joined the Healthy Lifestyle thread!!!

Ditto Skippy, I have found this out also.


Linda

 

[marcy]

Date: 8/25/2008 10:58:55 PM
Author: Linda W

Date: 8/25/2008 10:33:31 PM
Author: Skippy123
I would talk to her about how it makes you feel; I would think about staying away from her if she keeps saying those things. As I get older I learn people who say things to make themselves feel better because they have other issues going on with themselves, sometimes. She should be supportive and encouraging, I am sorry. Sending you a hug and glad you joined the Healthy Lifestyle thread!!!

Ditto Skippy, I have found this out also.


Linda

Ditto to what Skippy and Linda said. Big hugs to you. I look forward to getting to know you better in the HLT.

 

[mimzy]

fiery, i'm really sorry that she's being dense/insensitive enough to say those things in front of you. all through high school and the first few years of undergrad i had multiple friends who were much smaller than i constantly talk about how 'fat' they were,etc....sure makes you think about what they think of you, eh?

that said, i think that someone who spent a significant amount of time being critical of their physical self has a difficult time accepting themselves, even when they are *skinny* because they are just so accustomed to being unhappy with it. i'm down a few sizes from what i was in high school, but i am still incredibly unhappy with my body....which i didn't anticipate when i dreamed of being the size that i am now (which is still to right of the curve). it just becomes so ingrained in you and your self concept that it's near impossible to get rid of it seems, regardless of your weight. you know? if anything take pity on her, because it's likely that she'll never be satisfied with her looks

wheras it sounds like you have a much better attitude/outlook.

either that, or she is fishing for compliments because she knows she looks good. it's pretty impossible to say without knowing her.

either way there's nothing wrong with mentioning it to her and telling her it makes you uncomfortable, which i really think you should. she may or may not know how it hurts you. if she doesn't, she'll be happy that you said something and feel bad....and if she does know, then she would have to be a pretty big B to keep on doing it after you call her out on it.

 

[KimberlyH]

I come from a family of overweight people, and for a while I was overweight as well. Several years ago I lost a significant amount of weight and there have been times when I have made insensitive comments about being "fat" and never wanting to be so again in front of family members with weight issues; I have never said anything as off-the-mark as "I''m so fat" since losing weight because I am very aware that I am not, but it is that awareness that keeps me at a healthy weight. There is a lot of truth in deco''s assessment that people use it as a defense mechanism, I am terrified of every gaining back the weight I lost as I was very uncomfortable in my skin when I was overweight, and it affected every aspect of my life from who I dated to where I went and what I was and wasn''t comfortable doing. I have never meant to hurt their feelings but I am extremely motivated to remain healthy, and sometimes that translates into my saying insensitive things such as "When I was fat..." and after I catch myself I feel horrible, but I am a person who sometimes doesn''t think before I speak -- terrible habit -- and the truth is I was fat and I was miserable.

I''m not sure if your friend is coming from the same place I as I am when I say these things. Again, I never intend to hurt anyones feelings, sometimes I''m just a dolt. I agree that you should talk to her and tell her how it makes you feel and if she doesn''t make an effort to stop the hurtful comments I would reassess your friendship. I am so sorry she''s hurt your feelings and think it''s wonderful that you are trying so hard to make good choices for your health and wellbeing.

 

[swimmer]

Fiery,
You come across as such a strong and wonderful woman, why do you hang out with these rather poisonous people? I am certain that you have girlfriends who are nicer to you than this woman and of course your BF with her wedding issues; and obv both of these women have issues that fuel their dumping their issues on you, but I just hope/wonder...Who is looking out for Fiery and who has your back, girlfriend-wise? Men are good for many things, but they do not replace a posse. Hugs to you and I''m sure that your ladies have many awesome virtues, just hoping that they snap out of this and recognize you.

 

[phoenixgirl]

To offer the other perspective . . .

I have a friend who inspired me to work out. Two years ago she was doing Weight Watchers and the Firm and lost a bunch of weight. She was obese in college according to her BMI, but when I met her she was just a bit overweight.

Anyway, when I saw her doing it, I thought, "Why don''t I work out and eat right?" So I started and never stoped. I am one of those people who when I do something, I DO it. If I''m going to work out because I think it''s what''s best for me, then I''m going to do it forever. Sometimes I''ll be in a rut and sometimes I''ll be on a roll, but I''m always going to do it. My friend is more of a yo-yoer.

Double anyway, we are good enough friends that I assume there is no jealousy between us. We''re work friends, and she has gotten a more coveted assignment than I have, but I have been completely supportive and congratulatory even though that''s the kind of thing people get weird about at work. When I''ve gotten new jewelry, she has always ooohed and awed over it (as opposed to my other work friend, who gave me a dismissive "Oh that''s nice . . . anyway" when I got my last piece). So I honestly feel like this is a friend I can talk to about anything, including my body. I''ve told her about how I''ve gone up a size recently, from 0 to 2 (these are vanity sizes, FYI).

To me, I had maintained a weight for several months, am not doing anything differently, and yet inexplicably have gained weight. Yes, they''re small sizes, but it still requires a new warddrobe to change a size. She''s might be thinking, "Oh, boo hoo, PG went up to a size 2! She''s a whale!" But until I have information to the contrary, she''s the close friend I talk to the most, and I hope I can talk to her about whatever''s going on with me. My philosophy is that if she isn''t happy with her body, she can tell me, and I''ll support her. But if she is happy, I don''t judge her and thinks she looks great. I''m not the kind of person who likes flattery that has no basis in reality, so if that''s what she likes/needs, she''ll have to make that clear like my "Oh, that''s nice . . ." friend did with her dismissive comment. I know not to "go there" with her.

So maybe it''s part compliment/part obliviousness that she lets you into her world. She probably doesn''t realize that you think anything of it. I''d tell her. If my friend said something like that to me, I would apologize and be more considerate. I can''t read her mind, so as long as she seems supportive, I''m going to continue letting her into my world because I value her friendship, support, and advice. I want to do the same for her, but I don''t think I should assume that everyone who is bigger than me needs to be tiptoed around.

 

[fieryred33143]

Thank you all for the responses. What all of you said makes sense. I''m not sure if her comments are made out of insecurities or insensitivity or if she''s even fishing for comments. I have decided that next time I will mention that it bothers me. I hadn''t wanted to because I felt like it would point more towards being unhappy with my weight. But she needs to realize she should watch a little of what she is saying. She does the same to women at her job who are much bigger. Don''t know if it bothers them but I would imagine so.

Date: 8/27/2008 8:51:52 PM
Author: swimmer
Fiery,
You come across as such a strong and wonderful woman, why do you hang out with these rather poisonous people? I am certain that you have girlfriends who are nicer to you than this woman and of course your BF with her wedding issues; and obv both of these women have issues that fuel their dumping their issues on you, but I just hope/wonder...Who is looking out for Fiery and who has your back, girlfriend-wise? Men are good for many things, but they do not replace a posse. Hugs to you and I''m sure that your ladies have many awesome virtues, just hoping that they snap out of this and recognize you.

Thank you swimmer for your comment. Actually, it''s not these two women. It''s just one. I''m almost ashamed to say that but its true. She''s not a "best friend" in the sense of someone that I can run to. She''s just someone that I can go do girly things with or at least that I was able to in the past. Her personality has changed a lot from how she used to be, but that''s a whole other topic LOL. Thanks again

 

[CaliCushion]

I may be wayyyy off, but some people have perceptions of their bodies that are completely off. Is it possible that your friend has some psychological block that causes her to see herself as much bigger than she actually is?

 

[Circe]

Date: 8/29/2008 3:05:49 AM
Author: CaliCushion
I may be wayyyy off, but some people have perceptions of their bodies that are completely off. Is it possible that your friend has some psychological block that causes her to see herself as much bigger than she actually is?

Even if she''s suffering from full-blown body dysmorphia, though, that will generally affect how she sees herself, and not how she sees others: it shouldn''t interfere with tact.

Fiery, I''d say the generous interpretation is that your friend is very, very self-centered and is just not realizing how her comments will make anyone in her vicinity feel. Hopefully, a quick explanation of, hi, THINK for a minute! will get through ....

 

[vespergirl]

Yeah, I think that''s insensitive. In my group of friends, there are 4 of us girls that do everything together. 3 of us are thin but the one girl is heavy. One of my thin friends is always talking about how she feels fat, wishes she could lose weight, etc., and in makes me uncomfortable because even though we may be sizes 6 or 8, my heavier friend is an 18 and I think it must be awful to hear our other friend say that all the time. Hearing this perspective though makes me think that I should talk to the other one - maybe she doesn''t realize that some of the things she says may be hurtful ...

 

[corgan]

I have a different spin on things, myself I was way bigger in high school around a size 16 and in grade 13 (old OAC system in Ontario) I finally lost all the weight and I will be honest it wasn''t the right way to do it. I went down to a size 3 (which was way too skinny for me) and even at that size I always felt that I was bigger than I was. I only know this now as I am 29 and I look at old photos and I look extremely thin, but I always thought I looked fat. I have better self esteem now and I have also put on weight as well as a little extra (I had a baby in May and still have to lose the baby weight) but I still have the inclination to say that I am fat and feel fat even though I know in my deepest brain that I am at a good weight.

I think that for me being bigger for a lot of years I was always the bigger one (all throughout my childhood and highschool) so that now that I am a good weight I still feel that I am that bigger girl. So maybe your friend isn''t trying to put you down but that she has low self esteem issues? If you feel that this isn''t the case with her than maybe you can try talking to her about her negative comments? Actually even if it is the case maybe its time for a heart to heart?

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/25/2008 6:34:18 PM
Author: decodelighted
I *think* its a self-defense mechanism ... using one's own *revulsion* at their former fat self to keep them at their current weight.

Losing a lot of weight quickly can be disorienting. It's weird to look in the mirror and not recognise yourself, even if you like what you see.

Try not to take it on. Agreed, it would be better for her to be considerate of your feelings... but then, you are very close friends that have shared 'the battle' together. She is relaxed with you, and not on guard. I hope she's not defining you as the 'fat friend' in the relationship!!

You could ask her to tone it down a little. It IS selfish of her.

She's probably terrified of relapse, and wants to distance herself from her past weight. Ignore her comments, and use her success as a spur for your own. If she has positive habits, emulate them. Your weight is not 'you'. Life is not a competition. Stick up for yourself if there's any hint of bullying. Look for healthy lifestyle support from a broader range of friends, so you don't feel reliant on her in your weightloss programme.

Hmm, hope my comments are helpful / positive for you!

L.