Matron of Honor Help

[MustangFan]

Ok how do you tell your best friend that you are not supposed to give physical gifts at your wedding? My friend told me today she got one of your wedding gifts a chocolate fountain and a guide to modern marriage. Okay so she''s a little in the dark about do''s and don''ts for weddings. Would it be bratty of me to say gifts are for showers and at wedding your supposed to give money or just let it side and let her do what she wants? I don''t want to be a bridezilla or anything. I just didn''t know what to say to her because it''s thoughtful of her to get us a gift and I didn''t want to say so what are you getting me for the shower?

 

[Independent Gal]

I would definitely not tell her that she is not supposed to give a physical gift at a wedding, because... it''s not true! While in some cultures and milieus, giving money is the norm, in others, giving money is considered very rude, and only physical gifts are given. So it''s not a matter of her being ''in the dark'' about do''s and don''ts. It might just be that the norms in her family or milieu are just different from yours. So I would just let it be and be grateful that your friend is giving you such nice gifts.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

I have always given gifts for weddings and for showers. I give something that is more of a token for the shower and something more "important" for the wedding if I am invited to both.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/1/2008 2:18:14 PM
Author:MustangFan
Would it be bratty of me to say gifts are for showers and at wedding your supposed to give money or just let it side and let her do what she wants? I don't want to be a bridezilla or anything. I just didn't know what to say to her because it's thoughtful of her to get us a gift and I didn't want to say so what are you getting me for the shower?

Yes, it would be bratty. And yes, you'd sound like a Bridezilla. And honestly, why would you assume that your friend can afford both a shower and wedding gift? And why would she be expected to gift you for both? To me, I get ONE nice wedding gift. Period. I dont buy into this shower nonsense. You're getting married? Wonderful! Here's a "wedding gift". I dont think it's right to expect two gifts and to be honest, it sounds like she did get you two gifts: a book, and the chocolate fountain so...there ya go! There really is no "right way" or "wrong way" to give a gift and just because your family gives money, doesn't mean your friends or other relatives have to follow suit. To suggest to someone that the manner of how and what they choose to gift you is somehow "wrong", would be rude and only lead to an unpleasant situation. So yes, let her do it however she feels is right for her, and be gracious when she gives it.

 

[neatfreak]

You can't tell someone what they can/cannot give as gifts. That's just tacky. A gift it something the giver WANTS to give the recipient, you can't dictate what anyone gives you.

And many cultures you don't give money, you give gifts! So to say that she doesn't know the etiquette isn't quite correct.

It's also important to remember that as your matron of honor she probably is incurring lots of other expenses for your wedding too. So please remember that being your MOH is a gift in itself!

 

[swingirl]

Since when did that become the rule? Gifts are gifts and should be accepted graciously. It is rude to tell someone what kind of gift you want, even bridal registries are only meant to offer suggestions and not requirements.

 

[diamondfan]

I think the only obligation on her part is to attend. A gift is not something mandatory in my book. It is given with love and should be accepted graciously. A registry gives guidelines, it is not a requirement. And some people think cash is tacky, while other cultures feel it is correct and gives the newlyweds some money to get started. No matter what, the fact is that she took time and spent money to do something thoughtful. I think it would be rude and inappropriate to tell her what she did was wrong.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 3/1/2008 4:28:47 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 3/1/2008 2:18:14 PM

Author:MustangFan

Would it be bratty of me to say gifts are for showers and at wedding your supposed to give money or just let it side and let her do what she wants? I don''t want to be a bridezilla or anything. I just didn''t know what to say to her because it''s thoughtful of her to get us a gift and I didn''t want to say so what are you getting me for the shower?

Yes, it would be bratty. And yes, you''d sound like a Bridezilla. And honestly, why would you assume that your friend can afford both a shower and wedding gift? And why would she be expected to gift you for both? To me, I get ONE nice wedding gift. Period. I dont buy into this shower nonsense. You''re getting married? Wonderful! Here''s a ''wedding gift''. I dont think it''s right to expect two gifts and to be honest, it sounds like she did get you two gifts: a book, and the chocolate fountain so...there ya go! There really is no ''right way'' or ''wrong way'' to give a gift and just because your family gives money, doesn''t mean your friends or other relatives have to follow suit. To suggest to someone that the manner of how and what they choose to gift you is somehow ''wrong'', would be rude and only lead to an unpleasant situation. So yes, let her do it however she feels is right for her, and be gracious when she gives it.

Ditto. And actually, most people give "physical" gifts where I''m from. And as far as wedding etiquette goes, there are really no "do''s and don''ts" for a gift-giver, since gifts are not mandatory. I''d say the only "don''t" is dictating to others what their gift to you needs to be.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m having weird deja vu here.

Mustang, sorry if we sound harsh. That''s not our intention. It just seems that we have different ideas of asking and giving. But it''s good then, that you asked us how to ask, before you hurt anyone''s feelings! That''s what we''re here for. I''m sure I''ve asked etiquette q''s on here that seemed like no-brainers to the others. I am glad they set me straight before I messed up!

But please don''t take offense.

 

[VRBeauty]

Mustang: Chances are, several of your guests will get you gifts of something other than money, and some of them will even bring these gifts with them to the reception. So.... if you might want to be ready with a plan for these ''physical'' gifts, such as where to put them during the wedding/reception, and where to put them after if you and your DH are heading off to your honeymoon right away.

 

[Gwyn]

Mustang, are you saying that you are not supposed to give gifts at the wedding itself or do you mean that most people give a gift for the shower and money for the wedding?

I can understand where you are coming from when you say you do not want to be given a physical gift at a wedding. It is customary for people to send the gift to the bride''s house and not bring the physical item to the wedding event itself (though this rule is broken many times over as evident by the numerous venues that have a gift table option in their reception hall set ups). An acception to this ettiquette rule is envelopes containing cards/money. Since they dont really take up space.

However, if you mean that as a wedding gift you should only be receiving money, then i think you are wrong there. The registry itself is for the purpose of getting wedding gifts. Not all people invited to a wedding are invited to a shower, however, most all guest buy a "gift" for the couple.

If you refering to the former, the best way to get around it is try to have your bridesmaids/family spread through word of mouth or whatever that there will be no gift table and you woudl prefer gifts be sent to XYZ. Most people will understand this as it can be a pain to trainsport gifts after an event And it involves having extra help since usually u need to clear all your stuff out of a venue as soon as the event is over.

I know some cultures it is customary to just give money, however no culture I known of considers it proper ettiquette to ever expect or dictate a gift.

 

[risingsun]

There should be a decorated table at the reception for physical gifts and some people have a basket, or the like, for cards. One of the attendants or friends/family members can take care of this table, if you like. There is nothing unusual about bringing gifts to the wedding.

 

[Pandora II]

In the UK, we don't have wedding showers, so any gifts that are given are at the wedding.

Money is considered tacky as a wedding gift (certainly amongst my social circle) and most people will buy off the registry. However, I have a lot of people coming who are very unlikely to buy from our registry and will bring a physical gift on the day. Only registry gifts are delivered later to your house.

Personally I don't normally buy from registries and I would never even think to give cash.

FI and I don't actually care if we get any presents to be honest - oh, except from a friend of my parents who is an artist, he gave my sister (who he had never met) a lovely etching for her wedding. He and I are very good friends and I will admit I will be a little sad if I don't get one of his gorgeous pictures - I can't afford his work, but would love to own a piece for sentimental reasons.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 3/1/2008 2:18:14 PM
Author:MustangFan
Ok how do you tell your best friend that you are not supposed to give physical gifts at your wedding? My friend told me today she got one of your wedding gifts a chocolate fountain and a guide to modern marriage. Okay so she's a little in the dark about do's and don'ts for weddings. Would it be bratty of me to say gifts are for showers and at wedding your supposed to give money or just let it side and let her do what she wants? I don't want to be a bridezilla or anything. I just didn't know what to say to her because it's thoughtful of her to get us a gift and I didn't want to say so what are you getting me for the shower?

Um Honey. You're from Jersey. And as someone who lived on that planet for a few years I understand where you are coming from b/c that's exactly the mindset out there. I know FI's family drives me batty with the 'gifts are for showers, money is for wedding thing' but honey... GET OUT OF THE JERSEY OF IT ALL.

It's called a wedding registry for a reason. Not a 'shower registry'... because in most of the country GIFTS are perfectly acceptable.

In fact, guests really aren't obligated to do more than give you a card. So be happy at her lovely gift. Zip your mouth up about your regional pre-conceptions and say "Thank you for the thoughtful gift honey"... even if she gets you nothing for the shower except a well... the shower, as she's probably hosting or helping host the thing.

Notr meaning to be harsh, cause I love you honey. I really do. Your a great PSer, and I wouldn't want you to think this is a personal thing. But truly. Your post makes you sound like an ungrateful brat of a bride and I KNOW you're not. Your just trapped in the Jersey. Been there, understand it. Doesn't make it less of a regional thing for all that. Just say thank you and be grateful you have a wonderful MOH.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Mustang, its not a rule that people only give money for weddings. I think you need to be thankful for the gift you''ll be receiving, esspecially since this is your friend.

 

[monarch64]

Mustangfan, let me preface my post by saying that I think you''re a great PS member, and that I like you very much. Now, imo, part of the definition of the term "bridezilla" means trying to have absolute control over every aspect of the wedding, and not taking into consideration anyone else''s feelings/values/etc. Yes, it''s certainly ''YOUR'' day, but I feel that no wedding guest should have to suffer in order to come to your wedding or give you a gift. I think in this case, you''re trying to assume control of exactly what you receive, and that is really not fair to your friend...she''s trying to let you know by telling you (which is not necessarily protocol, but not the most horrible thing ever) that she has found gifts for you that she thinks you''ll love and is really excited to give them to you. How on earth you can think that turning around and telling her that cash would be the most appropriate thing is not cool. You live in a place where it''s typical to give physical gifts at the shower, and cash at a wedding, hey, that''s fine. Let her figure it out on her own, if she does. But to go telling her that "this is the way it''s done, you''re wrong," is such a complete turn-off. Imagine if someone told you that you gave them the wrong gift for their wedding, bridal shower, baby shower, etc.? How would YOU feel?

I know you''re not trying to come across as a bridezilla, I really do. But in this case, you really need to let this go, and not worry so much over what your guests are going to give you. It''s not right, and with all due respect, I''m sad that you would even consider trying to tell your friend that you would rather she change her gift for your wedding from physical to cash.

I still think you''re a great person, you''ve contributed a lot of positive knowledge here, and I know you mean well.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

ETA: When my DH and I started dating, we were invited to the wedding for one of his co-workers daughter. When I was considering what gift to give the couple, I asked my FI to find out where the couple was registered. The MOTB shared the info with my DH...and then called back about 30 minutes later to tell him that "She was confused at first by why he asked that because in chicago you''re supposed to give money, not gifts"

! I thought this was completely inappropriate, but I bowed to her wishes and gave them cash. I was floored by the boldness of my hub''s coworker (even though they are close friends) and thought that her making a point to call back was rude beyond words.

I, personally, like to give gifts for weddings. I think if a bride and groom take the time to register for things they want, its perfectly acceptable to give them one or two or more of those things. Obviously, those are objects they wanted as a couple, so what is wrong with giving them those things? I avoid cash because more often or not, couples will spend the cash on things that are practical. Not that practical things are bad, but I think weddings are a time for "fun" things--or things a couple may never go out a buy for themselves...like that $300.00 crystal wine decanter. And since I usually limit my budget for showers to around $100.00, I tend to get them more practical gifts--like that set of dish towels, or the hand vaccum they wanted.

My parents went to an engagement party once where the couple actually had "no gifts please, only money for our future home" printed on the invite. I think demanding someone to gift one way or the other is in poor taste...a gift is just that, a gift....and not to be expected so anything they do is really out of the goodness of their heart. Cash or not, be excited to have a new chocolate fountain to dip all sorts of goodies in!!!

 

[diamondfan]

I once saw on an invite (granted it was two older folks second marriage, so they were not starting a new home and trying to set it up...) "You presence is our present. We are merging two homes and have enough of everything, so please, if you would like to honor our wedding, make a donation to the charity of your choice". I liked that it left it to you which one to donate to, and made it clear that it was nice if you wanted to do so.

I guess I just think registries are enough of an "Get me this" thing, and I would not ever tell anyone to give cash or cover their plate or not bring an actual gift to the wedding...I mean, yes, with real gifts, someone must take them home for the bride and groom if the bride and groom are leaving right away and cannot take them home, but OMG how terrible is that. It just seems gift giving has become mandatory and the means by which gifts are asked for is amazing to me. I would not have the nerve and I am not a shy person trust me.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 3/1/2008 11:04:16 PM
Author: Gypsy

Um Honey. You''re from Jersey. And as someone who lived on that planet for a few years I understand where you are coming from b/c that''s exactly the mindset out there. I know FI''s family drives me batty with the ''gifts are for showers, money is for wedding thing'' but honey... GET OUT OF THE JERSEY OF IT ALL.

Ah, regional customs. I sure am learning a lot about regional customs on this board! If ever I''m invited to a wedding in Jersey, I''ll know what''s expected!

 

[largirl]

Wow, I''d never heard that either! I''ve always brought gifts to weddings...there''s usually a big table full of them, along with a cage or something to hold cards. It must be a Jersey thing.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

you learn something new everyday...
jersey/regional thing or not, it''s just totally rude to dictate to your guests what kind of gift you''d like to get. be thankful and accept your gifts gracefully!

 

[surfgirl]

As someone raised in New Jersey (the nice part!), I have to say that there are no "New Jersey" wedding gift rules like this that I am aware of. I believe that the OP is referring to her specific cultural background. For my family, my friends, etc., it''s not common practice to bring a wedding gift to the reception, one usually sends a gift before or after the wedding (I always send my gifts right after the wedding, noting when the couple will be home from their honeymoon, if they''re taking on right away). So the gift table is not de riguer in many East Coast areas. That said, there is no "rule" about giving a gift at the shower and money at the wedding. Not at all. This is something unique to some cultures no matter what area of the US they''re in, but it''s not a NJ thing.

Hey, I gotta stand up for my home state!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 3/2/2008 8:07:01 PM
Author: surfgirl
As someone raised in New Jersey (the nice part!), I have to say that there are no ''New Jersey'' wedding gift rules like this that I am aware of. I believe that the OP is referring to her specific cultural background. For my family, my friends, etc., it''s not common practice to bring a wedding gift to the reception, one usually sends a gift before or after the wedding (I always send my gifts right after the wedding, noting when the couple will be home from their honeymoon, if they''re taking on right away). So the gift table is not de riguer in many East Coast areas. That said, there is no ''rule'' about giving a gift at the shower and money at the wedding. Not at all. This is something unique to some cultures no matter what area of the US they''re in, but it''s not a NJ thing.

Hey, I gotta stand up for my home state!

Sorry for the home state attack. From my experience the gifts for showers, cash for weddings thing transcended John''s Italian background as friends and associates from that state, whether Portuguese, Polish, Jewish, Irish all the brides from that state seemed to share the belief in the gift rule MF stated. So I do associate it with New Jersey, but as SG pointed out... it''s probably regional or has its roots in a cultural mindset. So, sorry for the Jersey comments.

 

[littlelysser]

Agreed with the other posters about coming off as a bridezilla.

That having been said...I think you can subtly let guests know that you don''t want any presents for the wedding.

We included a little poem with our invites...one line read:

You notice no registry, we''ve more than enough stuff.
And really, your presence is present enough.

We only got a few presents from people. Some folks gave cash, others gave giftcards. And some folks donated to a charity in our names and other friends just made the trip to come to the wedding and got us a card.

Just an idea that worked for us.