May I vent for a second?

[aveda6]

I was just reading a posting on the LIW regarding wedding budgets and how/if I may be able to pull off a wedding for much less than I had planned but I did want/need to vent about why for a moment. My backstory is that I asked my FI to marry me only 9 days ago and we are plannig on getting married in two or three years. We need to consolidate apartments in Sept and start saving for both a wedding and a house. My FFIL called my FI this morning and said that he would be willing to help pay for the wedding but only if it happens next fall (and I believe there will be many more conditions imposed later). FI and FFIL got into heated argument that resulted in the likelihood that no help will be forthcoming and FI is very stressed and upset...

From my end, I''ve been married before and my ex-wife''s grandma paid for the wedding (as we were both dead broke at the time). Although I''m immensely grateful for the assistance, it ended up being my former GMIL (grandmother in law)''s wedding with very little input from me and very few of my own guests. As I couldn''t pay I didn''t mind much...Fast forward to now and the future inlaws are already setting the rules and timelines and we''ve only been engaged for a week...

I want to provide my FI with her dream wedding but cannot afford it and won''t go in to debt to do so (and she agrees that we are not going in to debt to finance a wedding). I also don''t thinks it''s reasonable for the FFIL''s to enforce arbitrary timelines (because "they''re not getting any younger and who knows what will happen in 2 or 3 years."). This is coming from the same people that said my FI would never get married because she was getting too old (she''s turning 32 this weekend)...

So, our plan is to save up and stick to our original timeline but it sucks that weddings and families have to make things stressful. We''re still trying to enjoy getting engaged and being excited about all of this and now it''s being made difficult....At least it looks like weddings can be done quite well on a limited budget so that gives me a great deal of hope that we can save on our own...not really sure why i posted other than to vent, but thanks for reading....

jim

 

[Porridge]

I would say you have three options.

1) Politely decline, do it all your own way and pay for it yourselves. Family can be a PITA []
2) Accept the cash and concede some control.
3) Accept the cash and agree with each other that this party is really just that - a party to keep your in-laws happy. Then you guys can have a private ceremony or something yourselves to celebrate your marriage the way you want to.

Congratulations again on your engagement, your story was so sweet!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Jim. Congrats on your engagement and to hell with them! Do what you want to do, it''s your day. If you have an inkling that you''ll have other mandates made by the parents then nip it in the bud now. You''re both in your 30s (I think) and that''s definitely old enough to plan and pay for your own wedding on your schedule.

 

[mrscushion]

I''m sorry, aveda, that sounds stressful. I hate how pushy families can get (even when they mean well). Doesn''t sound like your FFIL is of the tactful kind, given the comment he made about his daughter''s age.

It sounds like waiting to save up so you guys hold the reins over your wedding is a smart plan. I expect that my parents will want to pay for a lot of my wedding, but I also have a good chunk saved up, and if there is ANY conflict whatsoever, it''ll be my wedding on my dime, even if the budget is smaller.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/13/2009 4:56:55 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Jim. Congrats on your engagement and to hell with them! Do what you want to do, it''s your day. If you have an inkling that you''ll have other mandates made by the parents then nip it in the bud now. You''re both in your 30s (I think) and that''s definitely old enough to plan and pay for your own wedding on your schedule.

Ditto here Jim. Every last word. Unfortunately my dad is paying for most of our wedding, and I regret it a bit because he''s making me do things I don''t want to do (inviting people I don''t want there) and I can''t really do anything about it because they are his purse strings.

So stand up to them! And come here to celebrate your engagement!!! Do you have pics around here? And tell us about what kind of wedding you want! We like details!!!!

 

[aveda6]

Pooridge,

What do you think about accepting the money under the condition that the wedding be moved up by so much? That''s one of my concerns. I want a longer engagement and accepting the money will not allow for that.

Hudson,

Yes, we''re both in our 30''s and make a decent salary so a few years of saving would give us enough to have a nice wedding. I just hate that it''s going to strain my FI and FFIL''s relationship...

jim

 

[Porridge]

Why does he want it moved up so much? If he doesn''t have a really valid reason that both you and your FI can agree with, then don''t do it. This is your wedding. People think they can stick their oars in all the time, especially family. Nip that in the bud pronto!

 

[aveda6]

Thank you for the supportive comments. He wants to move it up because he wants to be in control. He''s 68 and says the sooner the better. I think we need the time to work out the details and get our finances in order (I have had financial issues in the recent past due to purchasing a "money pit" that sucked me dry). I''m good now but it will take some time to recover and it''s a great opportunity for us to enjoy each other and also save up and start looking for a house.

As for the type of wedding (beyond worrying about the finances) my FI would love to get married at a place in Massachusettes called "old sturbridge village" during the winter. She has always wanted a winter wedding and when we visited there last fall, they were setting up for a wedding and it looked gorgeous. It''s an old colonial village that''s been restored and all guests are taken from their cars to the chapel in horse drawn carriages with lanterns lining the "town''s" streets....After the ceremony they have a great restaurant/reception area. I don''t quite remember the price but I want to say it was around $100 per person and we won''t have that many guests so it may be something we can save up for....

 

[Mediterranean]

Hi Jim!!!

CONGRATULATIONS to you and your FI on your engagement!!! And welcome to BWW!!

Ummm, from what you have posted about FIL''s comments regarding your FI''s age, it seems like they want this to happen quickly because they''re a little bit obsessed with some arbitrary "timeline" they have in their heads for their daughter. They really want her to be married by "XX Age"

There probably is a bigger "plan" on the part of your IL''s. They pay so they can move it up, but they may also start pressuring you both HARDCORE for grandchildren, citing the fact that you have no wedding-related debt due to their generosity, you should be making a honeymoon baby. Chop, chop. The girl ain''t gettin'' any younger!!

All kidding aside, though, I think that FL is "testing the waters" so to speak, to see how much of this wedding he can control by paying for it. His first order of business is to move up the date. Rest assured that he will make more demands (to which you will be beholden by virtue of accepting the money).

If it were me? I would stick to the original plan of a nice, long, STRESS-FREE engagement which will allow you to save and plan at YOUR pace.

However, if you do choose to accept their monetary offer, hash out a written agreement that states specific areas over which you as a couple have final say/veto power (guest list? venue? food? music? bridal party? what''s important to you two?). These are items which, no matter how much he has contributed, or how much he disagrees, your FFIL will have to defer to you guys. No excuses. No squirming out of it.

If you guys and her parents can''t agree to adhere to such an agreement, you''re better off on your own.

There are just TOO MANY stories out there where someone contributes money, promises the bride and groom that it''s "no strings attached" and then either imposes their will on the wedding plans, or pulls the plug on the financing.

Not worth it, IMHO. You guys deserve to enjoy your engagement and enjoy planning for your future together, including your wedding.

 

[jet2ks]

Date: 4/13/2009 4:56:55 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Jim. Congrats on your engagement and to hell with them! Do what you want to do, it''s your day. If you have an inkling that you''ll have other mandates made by the parents then nip it in the bud now. You''re both in your 30s (I think) and that''s definitely old enough to plan and pay for your own wedding on your schedule.

Agree 100%. I''d be polite, but firm with FFIL so as not to strain the relationship more than necessary.

Kudos to both of you for agreeing to not go into debt for the wedding.

 

[aveda6]

Med,

That is too funny...When I asked her dad for his daughter''s hand in marriage, his initial response was all about grandchildren. I have a 10 year old son already and have no plans on having more. This is something my FI and I have talked at length about (over and over again, in fact). I understand that she may change her mind and we''ll cross that bridge if we have to but she''s never wanted children and having a 10 year-old boy to deal with may be enough to convince her for good (LOL

)

 

[iheartscience]

Allow me to play devil''s advocate a bit: if you had the money for the wedding, would you be getting married earlier than 2-3 years from now?

If so, I''d consider moving it up to your future FIL''s date, but gently letting him know that''s all the input he''ll get. (If you think that he''ll actually be able to mind his own business for the most part, of course.) 68 isn''t all that young, and although I think it''s silly to pull the "It may be my last Christmas!" kind of guilt trip, you really can''t predict the future and if I was looking at my 70s I''d probably hope my daughter got married sooner rather than later, too.

Maybe in a few days (or weeks) when things cool off your fiance could talk to her dad again about helping, and mention that she would love to accept his generous gift but that she doesn''t want the money to become a bargaining chip. Just another perspective!

 

[rockzilla]

I just want to say, I grew up in Massachusetts and remember visiting Old Sturbridge Village as a child - what a wonderful place to host a wedding!

I can''t imagine it is incredibly pricey either, given the rural area its in, but I could be wrong as wedding things consistently surprise me.

-Rockzilla

 

[aveda6]

Thing,

Good question...To answer it, no if I had the money in hand right now I would not have the wedding this soon. The two to three years was not due to financial concerns but more that I want to enjoy the engagement and not rush through the whole experience. Perhaps the divorce I went through has slighted my views a bit, but I want to enjoy this time and all of the thoughts and planning of the wedding. I watch the wedding shows all the time and greatly enjoy watching the planning and activities. My FI makes fun of me as I watch Bridezilla, Say Yes to the Dress, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, etc., far more than she does...LOL....

 

[katamari]

Welcome, Jim! It is great to see some GIWs posting!

I do think your FFIL would not only want some say if he footed the bill, but it my belief that he would be entitled to it, within reason. That said, though, I don''t believe that setting the date is within reason. I would see that more in terms of who would be invited, where the event will be located (city/state), etc. Just out of curiosity, though, did you mention your first marriage experience when you were on the phone with FFIL? It was my gut reaction that he just might not want comparisons between the two weddings and perhaps that is why it got so heated. It could, of course, just be that he wants to be in charge.

And, just as something to think about. . . FI and I had initially planned on a long engagement. But, once we got engaged, all of the planning made me want the wedding to happen sooner. Now, as it stands, we will have been engaged for one year. For me, planning with no real tangible payoffs would make the waiting less enjoyable, and more as a source of frustration. The engagement period, while nice, is totally transitional to the marriage. There is no reason why you couldn''t take a year, or even a year and a half, to save and be engaged. Much more than that, in my opinion, would be more than I could handle.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/13/2009 5:17:50 PM
Author: aveda6
Thank you for the supportive comments. He wants to move it up because he wants to be in control. He''s 68 and says the sooner the better. I think we need the time to work out the details and get our finances in order (I have had financial issues in the recent past due to purchasing a ''money pit'' that sucked me dry). I''m good now but it will take some time to recover and it''s a great opportunity for us to enjoy each other and also save up and start looking for a house.


As for the type of wedding (beyond worrying about the finances) my FI would love to get married at a place in Massachusettes called ''old sturbridge village'' during the winter. She has always wanted a winter wedding and when we visited there last fall, they were setting up for a wedding and it looked gorgeous. It''s an old colonial village that''s been restored and all guests are taken from their cars to the chapel in horse drawn carriages with lanterns lining the ''town''s'' streets....After the ceremony they have a great restaurant/reception area. I don''t quite remember the price but I want to say it was around $100 per person and we won''t have that many guests so it may be something we can save up for....

Hey there,
I''m VERY familiar with OSV-it''s one of FI and my favorite places. I have a friend who got married in the meeting house and had her reception at the tavern and it was well under $100/person. Another option you could consider is getting married at OSV and then having the reception at the Public House Inn which is down the road. The PH is amazing and they have fantastic wedding packages at different price points. the fact that you want to get married in the winter is also good because OSV is slow at that time of year and they may have reduced rates.

I still stand by my earlier statement about this being your day and you should do what you and your FI want. Your FI is a big girl and while I know that you don''t want to see her upset or her relationship with her dad strained, it''s really her problem. If she really wants to wait and go according to your original plan, then she needs to work things out with her dad herself.

 

[aveda6]

Hudson, that''s great to hear about OSV. I haven''t started looking into it much yet, it was just nice to see how beautiful it was when it was all set up. A lot of people I''ve talked to have thought it''s crazy to have a winter wedding but it''s so beautiful there in the winter that it might be worth it. Plus, my FI wants a very particular look in the wedding dress and I believe a winter dress is what she has talked about.

Katamari, I do understand everything you''re saying. I have never discussed my first marriage with my FFIL. They know I was married and that I have a son (whom they just met at Easter) and that is all. I don''t share that type of details with inlaws. i''m not really stressed about the money issues, I just worry about the stress it puts on my FI. We talked about it more last night and it just goes into how he has treated her for years, not just about the wedding. I''m just going to be there to support her and not let her get too stressed. You''re right thougth, as we start planning I''ll probably be the one that is ready for the wedding earlier. I get overly excited about this type of stuff...LOL...I told my FI that I''ve been posting on PS and she just rolls her eyes and laughs at me....

 

[cara]

Accepting the money will just be asking for trouble; you know that and your FI knows that. Just decline it.

As for your timeline, do what makes you and your FI happy; I personally found a 15 mo engagement to be a bit long- at some point you want to be done with it already and move on to being married- but to each their own. Also, 15 mo was also plenty of time to agonize and ponder and research each decision to the point of exhaustion with the process. I was a bit envious of my friends that had a 5 month long engagement the next year - sure, they had less choices, but they also had less choices As long as you and your FI are both OK with people asking when the date is for the next while (and looking at you a bit strange if you say Jan 2012) you are fine.

 

[panda08]

Sounds like you''re firm on not moving the date up. If that''s the case, just say "thanks, but no thanks."

If you and your FI would consider moving up the wedding and would like help with the costs, I say NEGOTIATE with FFIL. If all he wants is for you two to get hitched sooner and he''ll contribute X dollars, say fine, but only if he gives all the $ upfront and he knows that you''re willing to listen to his ideas about the wedding but that you and FI will be making the final decisions. Otherwise, no dice.

My FI and I are in our mid to late 30''s and paying for our own wedding. The only details our families knows are that it''s on August 18th in Maui. The power of the purse gives us lots of peace

Congrats on your engagement! Enjoy the moment. Try to let the family drama roll off your backs.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 4/13/2009 11:05:20 PM
Author: aveda6
Thing,


Good question...To answer it, no if I had the money in hand right now I would not have the wedding this soon. The two to three years was not due to financial concerns but more that I want to enjoy the engagement and not rush through the whole experience. Perhaps the divorce I went through has slighted my views a bit, but I want to enjoy this time and all of the thoughts and planning of the wedding. I watch the wedding shows all the time and greatly enjoy watching the planning and activities. My FI makes fun of me as I watch Bridezilla, Say Yes to the Dress, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, etc., far more than she does...LOL....

Can I just say I think this is WONDERFUL?!

I hope you have shared this feeling with your FI. It sounds like you are truly enjoying every last moment with her to the fullest, and I know if I were her I''d be thrilled to have such a caring and thoughtful FI. I vote for not taking the money, and for enjoying the time you guys are engaged and the wedding planning process as you describe here.