meeting Chinese parents - need advice

[JenStone]

In less than two weeks, I will be going up to NY to meet my boyfriend''s parents for the first time! Although we have been dating for two and a half years, I''ve never had the chance to meet them because they live all the way in Hong Kong. I''m super-nervous, because:

1. I''m not Chinese and I don''t speak Cantonese! My boyfriend''s bought me a book to help me learn, but it''s such a difficult language for non-native speakers due to all the different tones. To add to that, work''s just been crazy that when I come home I don''t want to do anything that requires any thinking. Fortunately, my boyfriend''s father speaks some English, but his mother doesn''t. But she''s the one to impress, right? (People have always told me that guys have to impress their gf''s fathers and girls have to impress their bf''s mothers.)

2. The weekend I''m meeting them is his father''s birthday. Do I bring him a gift? If so, what should I get him? When my boyfriend first met my parents he bought them a box of Asian pears because traditionally, Korean (I''m Korean)suitors brought them when first asking parents to start dating. My parents loved this - is there anything similar in Chinese culture? If I get the father a gift, should I get the mother a gift also?

3. My boyfriend''s younger brother and his fiance live in NY so they already met up yesterday. Obviously, they loooove her because she''s little-miss-perfect. She''s one of those people who are so talented (working on her PhD at Julliard), pretty, and just so perfect that you want to hate her! But you can''t help but like her because she''s soooo nice at the same time! By the time I get to meet the parents, they will have already spent two weeks with her. She''s a lot to live up to.

4. Lastly, my boyfriend is the first son of his extended family''s generation. This is HUGE in Asian culture. This puts that much more pressure on me.


Any advice would be appreciated...

 

[~*Alexis*~]

i lived in Japan and it is customary to bring a gift for many different occasions. I boughy my host mother a nice silk scarf. I brought some chocolates and I think I brought some things that were native to my area, I am from Wisconsin so I would have brought a dreamcatcher. You see what I am saying? Do you know what his brothers girl friend gave them? You could go off of that. A nice tie for the father maybe? Just a thought. Hope that helps!

 

[sunkist]

Oh, Jen! Let the pressure go sweetie. I know it''s going to be hard to do, but don''t wear yourself out on this one! Being relaxed and yourself will make the best impression, but I''m sure you know that

If you smile and join into conversation, how could they not like you? As for a gift for his father, do you cook something, a dessert or treat of some kind? Guys always like food! Or a box of gourmet tea? (I think that exists, right?)

Just remember not to compare yourself to anyone else. You have to be happy with you, girl! And then everyone else will love you too

btw... are those pancakes on your bunny''s head??

 

[Starset]

Good Luck!

I''m of European descent so I can''t help with the customary expectations. Very generally speaking, if my boyfriend were to try to impress my parents upon first meeting he might bring flowers to my mother. When I met his parents, I brought flowers to his mother. Both times it was just sort of a thanks for having me at your house gift.

I guess my point is either way (in my case) the gift is for the mother. Since it is his father''s birthday, I think a gift for each would be appropriate. I love Alexis'' idea of something from your geographic location or your heritage. Think along of the lines of something they would enjoy first, and that it will also remind them of meeting you, second.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Hmmm can''t offer any good advice but some strong PS support!

I like the idea of giving them something from your own heritage tho!

 

[JenStone]

Thanks everyone. I think I was getting extra paranoid due to some very untimely PMS. I think I''ll also ask my own mother for advice. I''ll let everyone know how it goes.

 

[zdrastvootya]

No knives or clocks as gifts for Chinese people. My friend and I are both very westernized Chinese guys, so we always talk about the various faux pas that we make, eg. the knive & clock combo gift set

I think your partner should be the best source of information. He should be able to tell you about any customs or idiosyncrasies. There''s a tendency for him to forget, since presumably he gets along with his parents. He should be protecting you from any "surprises". "Meet the Parents" always comes to mind on what happens when one partner doesn''t prepare the other for meeting the family.

When my wife first met my Mom, I joked that Mom liked her better than me! I make it a point to always to be nice to my inlaws even though I don''t speak Chinese. I smile, say hello, and end up saying thank you a lot. They accept that I''m kind of a dope (a little dim, but very friendly), and that I have a good job

Z.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/8/2006 3:53:15 PM
Author:JenStone
In less than two weeks, I will be going up to NY to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time! Although we have been dating for two and a half years, I've never had the chance to meet them because they live all the way in Hong Kong. I'm super-nervous, because:

1. I'm not Chinese and I don't speak Cantonese! My boyfriend's bought me a book to help me learn, but it's such a difficult language for non-native speakers due to all the different tones.

2. The weekend I'm meeting them is his father's birthday. Do I bring him a gift? If so, what should I get him? When my boyfriend first met my parents he bought them a box of Asian pears because traditionally, Korean (I'm Korean)suitors brought them when first asking parents to start dating. My parents loved this - is there anything similar in Chinese culture? If I get the father a gift, should I get the mother a gift also?



Any advice would be appreciated...

Jen

i'll teach you Cantonese for $50 an hr.

including all the bad words.

okay gifts....apples and oranges along with some dry black mushrooms,dry shark fins, dry scallops, canned abalone, in other words, traditional chinese foods.

 

[VRBeauty]

Jen:

My mother was the first "westerner" to marry into my father''s family. In fact, she was the first person to marry into the family whose family was not from the same province that my father''s family had moved from China to Indonesia... ten generations ago. (whew!) She was also the reason my father, an only son, did not return to Indonesia after he finished school. Needless to say she was very nervous the first time she was to meet her mother-in-law some twenty years later.

My Grandmother was nothing but loving and gracious.

Just go into this expecting the best. "Mom''s" main concern will probably be that you and her son care for each other.

Gifts... probably. Check with your BF. I''d go for something local if possible.

 

[bobacha]

I agree that you BF should be able to give you the best advice.

Ditto on no to clock /watch or anything sharp

An article I found on google, you probably already know all of these, but might be interesting to others who want to know :
http://www.eslteachersboard.com/cgi-bin/china-info/index.pl?noframes;read=300

If I were his mom, I''d be happy to receive a DVD boxset of Korean dramas hehe Just kidding.

Good luck Jen !

 

[JenStone]

My boyfriend suggested that I buy his father an England jersey (he’s a big soccer fan and the World Cup is coming up). I also wanted something for the mother as well, so we were thinking skin products (like a nice Clarins gift set).

We asked his brother to do some recon work for us to see what types of products she uses. He called back the next day, and said she uses drugstore, generic lotions!

Back to square one. Then my boyfriend suggested some ginseng, because they both love ginseng and ginseng products. However, we didn’t know any places in the Baltimore area that has good ginseng. He suggested that we get it when we get to New York, right before we meet up with his parents. But I wanted to wrap it well and presentable.

Right when we were still debating, my mother called and asked me if I had gotten anything for his parents yet. When I said no, she said, “Your father and I have both been talking about it, and we think you should get ginseng! Korean ginseng is very good quality right now, and there are many different ginseng products as well.”

I guess great minds think alike – I told her that my boyfriend had suggested the same thing, and she laughed. Since my parents live in New York, they offered to go buy it for me. I will pay them back when I’m up there.

The gift is perfect – it promotes their health and well-being, it’s something they like, AND since it''s Korean ginseng, it’s something from my culture as well.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions! I’ll be meeting them in a week…..I’m so nervous!

 

[Starset]

sounds perfect! stress level should practically plummet after those decisions have been made!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/11/2006 5:27:57 PM
Author: JenStone

Right when we were still debating, my mother called and asked me if I had gotten anything for his parents yet. When I said no, she said, “Your father and I have both been talking about it, and we think you should get ginseng! Korean ginseng is very good quality right now, and there are many different ginseng products as well.”

ginsengs is a good idea

there''re many different grades of Korean ginsengs as well as Wisconsin ginsengs.

 

[bookworm21]

I"m kinda late chiming in here, but I just wanted to add a couple of things. Ginseng is a great idea, and make sure you''re really really really polite. It may seem obvious, but Chinese parents are extremely critical when it comes to manners. Well, most anyway. (Sorry if this is just making the nervousness worse, but it''s better if you know.) If you go to a dim sum restaurant with them, pour the tea. I didn''t do that the first time I met my BF''s mom, and she told the family that I was a nice girl, but was somehow lacking in manners. When you go out and eat Chinese food, family-style, scoop up food and put it in their plates for them first, then serve your BF and then yourself. I don''t know if that''s standard for other Asian cultures, but it''s big in Chinese culture.

And the most important thing to them, like one other poster said, is that their son is happy with you. So make sure you two don''t get into ANY kind of minor argument in front of them. Not until you get to know them better, anyway.

 

[zhuzhu]

Ginseng may be tricky. Chinese traditional medicine recognizes at least 5 different types of ginseng for different "body types". If they are very particular about health and wellness (the Chinese way), picking just a random, commercial grade ginseng may not work well. Why not consider buying something non-Asian for the mom, like a very nice, brand-name perfume? A lot of Asian mothers are frugal on themselves, and seldom treat themselves to luxury items.

 

[zhuzhu]

<We asked his brother to do some recon work for us to see what types of <products she uses. He called back the next day, and said she uses <drugstore, generic lotions!

This is saying that his mother is frugal on herself so they can save money and give their children the best education. However don''t assume for a second that she does NOT want/enjoy to use the brand name products. Maybe by giving her some higher-end beauty products or perfum will really make her happy! I know whenever I give my mom something like Lancome or Estee Lauder she uses it so carefully and with so joy and pride, because she could not justify spending that kind of money for herself.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 5/11/2006 5:27:57 PM

We asked his brother to do some recon work for us to see what types of products she uses. He called back the next day, and said she uses drugstore, generic lotions!

My last reply was a response to this....

 

[zdrastvootya]

Date: 5/11/2006 10:16:51 PM
Author: Cinderella
I''m kinda late chiming in here, but I just wanted to add a couple of things. Ginseng is a great idea, and make sure you''re really really really polite. It may seem obvious, but Chinese parents are extremely critical when it comes to manners. Well, most anyway. (Sorry if this is just making the nervousness worse, but it''s better if you know.) If you go to a dim sum restaurant with them, pour the tea. I didn''t do that the first time I met my BF''s mom, and she told the family that I was a nice girl, but was somehow lacking in manners. When you go out and eat Chinese food, family-style, scoop up food and put it in their plates for them first, then serve your BF and then yourself. I don''t know if that''s standard for other Asian cultures, but it''s big in Chinese culture.

And the most important thing to them, like one other poster said, is that their son is happy with you. So make sure you two don''t get into ANY kind of minor argument in front of them. Not until you get to know them better, anyway.

Yeah, the pouring the tea thing. The people typically reach as far as they can to pour for everyone. I''m pretty clumsy (especially when I''m nervous being with a table of "real" chinese people), so I''m afraid of knocking cups over and making a big mess. There''s also this thing with different teas and some pots with just hot water. So I refrain. I pour for my wife and pick food for her. I know she''d like me to pour for everyone, but I''m afraid of being a klutz. I assume that the family sees me as "nice, but doesn''t have great manners". In my defence, I''m older than all her friends, so with them I don''t think it''s wrong that they pour for me.

As far as matching ginseng to body type, IMHO, that''s too much detail. For me, a westernized person, they can''t expect me to know that. They get what they get.

Z.

 

[JenStone]

Thank you again everyone for your wonderful advice. I talked to my mother yesterday and she told me that she bought some high-quality dried ginseng and a box of jellied ginseng. (Even I like those!) I''ve also decided to get my boyfriend''s father the soccer jersey as an extra for his birthday.

One last question to ask: when should I present the gifts? The first time I will be meeting them is this Friday for dim sum. Do I give them the ginseng as soon as I meet them? I''m not entirely sure what the plans are for the rest of the day, but I''m fairly certain that I will meet with them again before Saturday''s birthday dinner. Should I wait until the birthday dinner to give them the ginseng?

Thanks again! You guys are the best!

 

[zdrastvootya]

Unless it''s too much to carry around, I''d say to give it to them first time you meet. I figure it makes a nice first impression, and avoids the possibility that they''re expecting a little something on meeting (as a show of respect) and you not delivering it. (Just trying to keep you out of my category of "he''s nice, but ignorant of the usual protocols

My experience is that your partner can advise, but sometimes partners get this stuff wrong and make you look bad


Z.

 

[JenStone]

I''m back from meeting the parents! It wasn''t GREAT, but it wasn''t bad either. I''m very shy with new people and so I was quiet most of the time. Since my boyfriend hadn''t seen them in over two years also, half the time I was just sitting there quietly while they chatted away in Chinese.

They never outright said to my boyfriend that they liked me (my parents called me after they first met my boyfriend and told me they liked him) but he told me that their actions spoke louder than words (i.e. taking pictures with me).

They LOVED the ginseng. Thank you everyone for your help!

P.S. - I finally saw my boyfriend''s younger brother''s fiance''s ring. (I had been a bit upset earlier that they had gotten engaged when they had been together for less time than us.) Later, when we were alone, my boyfriend and I said, almost simulataneously, "That diamond looks so much smaller than a 1 carat!" They had purchased the ring from a B&M store and I''m pretty sure that they only looked at the color, clarity, and weight. Although the ring was pretty, it made me feel a bit better because my boyfriend knows all about the importance of cuts and I know he''ll get me very well-cut ring. OMG I feel like a total b*tch while typing this! Has anyone else had similar experiences?

 

[ilovesparkles]

Glad to hear things went pretty well!

 

[VRBeauty]

Jen:

Thanks for letting us know that everyone survived the visit!

Now about those thoughts...

You and your BF have done your homework, and when the time comes, you''ll probably have a beautiful stone to show for your homework. But no matter how beautiful the stone, I hope it will pale in comparison to the beauty of your relationship. The same is true of your BF''s brother and his fiance. So wish them a little blessing and hope for a love that''s stronger and more beautiful that any diamond -- and then forget about it.

 

[sunkist]

Oh, I''m glad the meeting went well. I''m sure his parents liked you! I know it is awkward sitting there while everyone else is speaking a language you don''t understand. That''s how it is with my BF and his parents. But in 7 years I have learned 2 or 3 words of Cantonese! (grandma, what, and... I thought there was a third). Anyways, you''ll get used to it I guess. At least the first meeting of the parents is over, Yay!!!