men are confusing!

[waitingpatiently]

I''ve been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We do not live together and won''t until we get married. We live about 45 minutes away from each other and only get to see each other on the weekends. He tells me all the time that how much he loves me and that we need to get married soon. He makes me promise him that we will get married. He originally said that he wanted to get married this summer....which turned into this fall.....which turned into no later than early spring........which has now turned into late next summer. There is always something coming up that causes him to push it back further. He says that when he has the money he will buy a ring, however his actions dont exactly show that. He bought a house(which he calls our house), is putting all kinds of money into that and is also buying himself a new truck. He doesn''t hesitate to spend money on the things that he wants and i think that he should have the things he wants! He did however tell me that when he had the money he would buy a ring for me first because that''s the best investment he could make. He said those few thousand dollars and he could have me forever would make him the happiest man in the world. So why don''t his actions speak as loud as his words? He got a new job which will require a lot of time as he will be coaching 2 sports, so i understand that he wouldn''t want to get married durring the school year however he now has plans to be away all next summer. I am somewhat of a pushover so I am not one to complain about all of this nor am I hinting around or pushing for a ring.....I keep those wishes to myself in hopes that he will finally realize that he needs to get on it if he is going to meet his own timeline. He wants to have kids by the time he''s 25...he will be 24 in 4 months. We wont'' have kids before we''re married and I told him that I''m not having any for at least a year after we get married.

I guess i''m just frustrated. Is anyone else having these problems? It''s not like he won''t committ, because he constantly talks about getting married and wanting to be married. EVERYONE keeps asking when we''re going to get married and all of my friends that said that i would be the first to get engaged are now married, engaged or close to it. All of his friends are getting married and when we hang out with them he really wants to get married and start our life together so i''m really just confused as to why it hasn''t happened yet.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Have you flat-out asked him what the delay is? I think it''s important to have an honest conversation to determine what page he is on.

I''d be somewhat concerned that he''s not more motivated to close the distance between you two after three years... that''s a long time to be 45 minutes apart and I''d be getting antsy! But it really depends on what is holding him back/why.

 

[Hera]

His actions are speaking louder than his words. Have an honest and direct talk about the situation.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 6/18/2008 4:08:45 PM
Author:waitingpatiently
I''ve been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We do not live together and won''t until we get married. We live about 45 minutes away from each other and only get to see each other on the weekends. He tells me all the time that how much he loves me and that we need to get married soon. He makes me promise him that we will get married. He originally said that he wanted to get married this summer....which turned into this fall.....which turned into no later than early spring........which has now turned into late next summer. There is always something coming up that causes him to push it back further. He says that when he has the money he will buy a ring, however his actions dont exactly show that. He bought a house(which he calls our house), is putting all kinds of money into that and is also buying himself a new truck. He doesn''t hesitate to spend money on the things that he wants and i think that he should have the things he wants! He did however tell me that when he had the money he would buy a ring for me first because that''s the best investment he could make. He said those few thousand dollars and he could have me forever would make him the happiest man in the world. So why don''t his actions speak as loud as his words? He got a new job which will require a lot of time as he will be coaching 2 sports, so i understand that he wouldn''t want to get married durring the school year however he now has plans to be away all next summer. I am somewhat of a pushover so I am not one to complain about all of this nor am I hinting around or pushing for a ring.....I keep those wishes to myself in hopes that he will finally realize that he needs to get on it if he is going to meet his own timeline. He wants to have kids by the time he''s 25...he will be 24 in 4 months. We wont'' have kids before we''re married and I told him that I''m not having any for at least a year after we get married.

I guess i''m just frustrated. Is anyone else having these problems? It''s not like he won''t committ, because he constantly talks about getting married and wanting to be married. EVERYONE keeps asking when we''re going to get married and all of my friends that said that i would be the first to get engaged are now married, engaged or close to it. All of his friends are getting married and when we hang out with them he really wants to get married and start our life together so i''m really just confused as to why it hasn''t happened yet.

I''m sorry - that must be so frustrating for you!

While I understand that getting married right this second might be overwhelming for someone who is 24, if he''s making promises to you about getting married and not following through, that is just not acceptable.

Fact is, you have to bring this stuff up to him. You''re not complaining! You''re taking control of your future. Have a real, adult conversation (try to keep pouting and tears to a minimum!) about what your expectations are, and what his are. Set a timeline together. If he doesnt follow through with this timeline that you''ve BOTH decided on, you need to walk away. You can''t let him walk all over you! If marriage is what you want, after 3 1/2 years, you should be able to talk about it.

Tell him that when he spends on money on other things and isnt working towards marriage, that it''s upsetting for you. Just present the facts, and try and come to some sort of conclusion.

Just be HONEST. And if you say something, follow through. If he knows he can make promises and never follow through and you put up with it, why would he bother? Stand your ground, woman!

I''m sure you''re a bright, beautiful strong woman, and there''s no need to wait around for a man who never plans on following through.

Be strong, best of luck, and keep us updated!!

 

[KCCutie]

Have you considered the fact that he may be taking the fact that "you are not one to complain" as evidence that you really are happy with the way things are. He''s probably not a psychic, so you need to tell him. I know you don''t want to push but I''m sure there''s a way you can tell him that you are ready to take the next step with him without it being seen as pushing.

 

[Dreamgirl]

First, welcome to PS!

Second, I agree with absolute_blonde. I would just ask him what the deal is. Communication is key, so tell him how you feel about the situation and see what he has to say about it.

 

[choro72]

I suggest him to drop the marriage subject until he is actually ready to buy the ring. Have a frank talk with him about your needs, and if he is taking it into account. He may be truly ready to commit, but may just need a nudge.

 

[waitingpatiently]

I know you are all right, and we have talked about it before and we were waiting to be done with school. Well we''re both done now and I''m still waiting. He knows how I feel I told him before, but I''m not going to complain because I''m trying to make his life as easy as possible right now. His mother died unexpectedly about a month ago and I''m not going to push anything for a while, so I thought I''d try to figure things out while i was waiting till the right time to bring it back up!

 

[waitingpatiently]

Date: 6/18/2008 4:20:37 PM
Author: choro72
I suggest him to drop the marriage subject until he is actually ready to buy the ring. Have a frank talk with him about your needs, and if he is taking it into account. He may be truly ready to commit, but may just need a nudge.

Lately I have thought about telling him to stop mentioning it until it happens, so i think i may do that!

 

[Lauren8211]

Well that certainly affects the situation!

He definitely needs some more time to deal with his mother''s death before making a committment of that magnitude. Just try to distract yourself from engagement stuff for a while, and be supportive of him. I''m sure once he''s had a little time, and you have a conversation with him about a serious timeline, everything will fall into place.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 6/18/2008 4:33:52 PM
Author: Lauren8211
Well that certainly affects the situation!


He definitely needs some more time to deal with his mother''s death before making a committment of that magnitude. Just try to distract yourself from engagement stuff for a while, and be supportive of him. I''m sure once he''s had a little time, and you have a conversation with him about a serious timeline, everything will fall into place.

I completely agree with Lauren.

 

[trillionaire]

you could always let him know that his mom''s death reminded you just how much you really want to finalize a commitment to one another. you all definitely need to talk, and I wouldn''t avoid it, because tough talks will often come at tough times.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 6/18/2008 5:12:07 PM
Author: trillionaire
you could always let him know that his mom''s death reminded you just how much you really want to finalize a commitment to one another. you all definitely need to talk, and I wouldn''t avoid it, because tough talks will often come at tough times.

I agree that you can''t always control when you need to confront something, but in this case she certainly can show some restraint and wait a couple more months. It''s been this long, there is NO reason to not respect his period of grieving for his dead mother. This subject does not have to be broached this very month.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/18/2008 5:34:45 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 6/18/2008 5:12:07 PM

Author: trillionaire

you could always let him know that his mom''s death reminded you just how much you really want to finalize a commitment to one another. you all definitely need to talk, and I wouldn''t avoid it, because tough talks will often come at tough times.

I agree that you can''t always control when you need to confront something, but in this case she certainly can show some restraint and wait a couple more months. It''s been this long, there is NO reason to not respect his period of grieving for his dead mother. This subject does not have to be broached this very month.

A-greed.

 

[choro72]

Oo, that changes things...Right now what he needs is support, not relationship questions. I don''t think he will bring up the subject soon...

After some time when he does bring it up, I think it will be a good idea to let him know you want to talk about only when he is truly ready to move ahead. Also what I did was set an internal deadline. Luckily for my FI, he broached the subject before that

. NOT something you should consider now though. He needs to heal first.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

He just lost the woman of his life, this is somewhat irreparable. I''ll tell you this though, your behavior during this time will determine his feelings for you permanently.

I met FI and his father died 10 days later, just by backing off but staying available let him know that I cared about him deeply.


On another note:

We dated 4 years before we got engaged and I pushed and pushed like I see many LIWs on this board do. If you set boundaries and stick to them it works, trust me.

I would not let him meet extended family, I stopped attending family functions with him because it made me uncomfortable to be around them as his GF. Once the boundaries were set, 6 months passed and we were engaged. A man will truck along with the status quo if it is convienient and comfortable, boundaries allow for thing to not be sooooo easy for them.

just my 2cents.

 

[TravelingGal]

Sorry to hear his mother just died, but it seems like this behavior has been going on way before that.

I''m not sure what''s so confusing here...as someone mentioned, he''s all talk no action. You seem to be able to see that. Either you accept it or you don''t. Sometimes I think men are less confusing than we think...women just have a way of reading into things to much and looking at things through engagement-desired glasses.

 

[choro72]

Date: 6/18/2008 9:13:26 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
He just lost the woman of his life, this is somewhat irreparable. I''ll tell you this though, your behavior during this time will determine his feelings for you permanently.

I met FI and his father died 10 days later, just by backing off but staying available let him know that I cared about him deeply.

On another note:

We dated 4 years before we got engaged and I pushed and pushed like I see many LIWs on this board do. If you set boundaries and stick to them it works, trust me.

I would not let him meet extended family, I stopped attending family functions with him because it made me uncomfortable to be around them as his GF. Once the boundaries were set, 6 months passed and we were engaged. A man will truck along with the status quo if it is convienient and comfortable, boundaries allow for thing to not be sooooo easy for them.

just my 2cents.

I agree with every word that iwannaprettyone said.

 

[fieryred33143]

You and your boyfriend are exactly who we were back in the days.

We didn't live together for four years of our relationship, lived an hour away, and we only saw each other on the weekends.

I can tell you based on my experience that he probably doesn't want to propose until he can spend some real time with you. Local relationships are not the same as LDRs. That's not to say that LDRs are not important because they are but you still don't know how you will function on a day to day basis and his hesitation is probably stemming from that.

If he's talking about marriage, then that's a good sign. But my guess is that he won't get there for a few more years. We did the long distance thing for four years and moved in together. Now, thre months after our 6 year anniversary, he purchased an engagement ring and its hidden in the house somewhere.

All I can say is enjoy the time you have with him. You know the proposal is coming, you know he loves you, and you know you love him. All of the other stuff is just fluff...nice, blingy, expensive fluff.