misunderstanding with BF & my passive behavior... help.

[sunkist]

I''m feeling pretty down tonight, and I wondered if my fellow LIW had a little advice or consolation for me. I was over at my BF house earlier this evening and we were both on our laptops. I was looking at pictures of IdealScope images, of comparison shots of poorly-cut stones and ideal-cut stones. I decided to show them to him to further explain to him why it''s worth it to buy an ideal-cut stone. So I showed him, and he understood! Then he said, "So did your sister do this much research when she was getting engaged?" Then I totally mis-interpreted what he said and I replied with " If you don''t want me to research this anymore, I won''t". I wasn''t snappy, really I just hung my head and lowered my voice. I was sad because I assumed that my researching rings was starting to bother him (because maybe he wants to do it himself, or it''s putting too much stress on him along with school and work stress). But then he got all excited in his voice saying "That''s not what I meant!" He was very frustrated and exasperated with me because I totally read into his statement when in actuality, it was a simple, straightforward question.

Something like this happened last night too. We were choosing a movie to watch. He had given his suggestions and then I suggested one. He said, "Oh, I didn''t really like that movie". So I said "Ok, fine we don''t have to watch it". The he got aggitated and said "Do you want to watch this movie?" I said NO. He was exasperated that I was giving up what I wanted so easily in just trying to please or appease him. So I admitted that I DID want to watch it, and we did, and it was good!

I think we''re each having a problem here and they''ve just been clashing recently. I''ve been having too much passive behavior by giving into other''s wants above my own, and he has been under lots of stress with work, school, and now me not-so-subtley hinting about rings

.

I just don''t know what to do. How do I change my behavior to be more assertive? He keeps saying that we''re reading into eachother too much and trying to please the other with out finding out what the others'' true feelings are.

Anyways, thanks for listening

 

[anchor31]

Hey, sunkist! I'm sorry you're feeling low. *hugs*

It seems to me you already know what you need (ie: be more assertive). That's great, because realizing you have something to work on and admit it is a very big step. So good on you!

As to how to become more assertive, it takes practice. Start with small things, like choosing a restaurant. If he asks you where you'd like to eat, don't turn the question back on his right away and ask him where he wants to eat. Tell him where you'd like to go, and then ask him. If you don't agree on the place, don't cave in right away. Suggest a compromise, like "what do you said we go to one place, and next time we'll go to the other one". There can also be a fine line between being assertive and b!tchy, but that also takes practice! If your boyfriend is used to your passive behaviour, he might be a little surprised by your change of attitude, but he'll get used to it!

Good luck, dear.

 

[Blenheim]

I''m sorry that you''re feeling down, Sunkist. Anchor has some pretty good suggestions. One more thing that I might suggest is asking more questions, so that you''re not reacting to things that you''re only making assumptions about. If he asks how much research your sister did, you can ask if he thinks that you''re doing too much or if he''s just wondering how much most girls do. If he doesn''t want to watch a movie, ask why -- it may be that he''s not in the mood for a certain actress at the time, but there''s something in the same genre that he''d like.

Good luck!

 

[Patchee]

I think you need to chill out, stop taking what he says to heart when it is just general conversation. Stop attacking, you don''t really have an issue now but you may create on by being this way... You''ll be OK, just chill.

 

[sunkist]

Alright, thanks for the advice Anchor and Blenhiem! I will definitely start changing my behavior today And Patchee, thanks for the wake-up call

I will chill... I''m feeling better today already. This morning we went to our indoor rowing workout and I was offered a job as a rowing instructor!! I think I need to get more practice and into the swing of things more though. This was only my 3rd class! But the guy has been very impressed by my talent

What a way to start a morning huh?

 

[firebirdgold]

That''s a great start to the morning!

Have you always had a problem with being passive? Or is it more a matter of insecurity with him?
I know I''ve had much more of a problem with that recently. It seems like the more stressed my bf gets, the more passive I am. He''s not going to blow up at me, yet I''m still walking around him like he''s a landmine sometimes. It''s unfair to him.
I think a large part of it is the stress of not being engaged yet. It''s better than it was, but the prior miscommunications about the subject caused me to get very insecure. It''s like I''m worried that if I say the wrong thing or upset him, he''ll change his mind about wanting to marry me. Yet my being hesitant to say something is pretty much the only thing that really aggravates him. I''ve got to say, having people (mother) tell me I''ll drive him away if I mention the ring is so not helping.

I don''t know about you, but I need the proof in my hand that he really wants to marry me, flaws and all. Then we can turn all bitchy and demanding!

Just kidding.

 

[sunkist]

No, I think I've pretty much always been passive. Growing up I had my sister just older than me was always very loud and talkative. I think I just never got a chance to talk. I've always been kind of shy, but as the years go by I see myself getting over it in different situations. I can be very assertive, but if I'm not shakey while I'm being assertive, I get shakey soon after

That's with strangers though. With family and him, I'm usually fine. Sometimes its hard for me to speak my feelings though. We've been together for almost 7 years now (!!) and I can really tell the last 3-4 years I've grown a lot in being able to express myself.

But Wren, I feel like you do too, with the stress of not being engaged. I just want to get the ball rolling already!! I just have to keep reminding myself that it will "roll" very soon and I can wait.

 

[argh&stuff]

I can relate to this, almost exactly.

My girl is fantastic, and yet, there are times when we just don''t communicate perfectly. She takes what I say, twists it somewhere along the way from my mouth to her ears, and assumes I''m implying that something she''s mentioned is something I don''t care a thing about. I''m just not as eager and excited about everything like she is. She''s very bubbly and exuberant and that''s great, but I don''t always have the same "gusto" going into things.

As far as the ring thing goes, I can also relate. She is very eager, and at times it feels a little demanding. I want to choose the stone, the setting, the time, all while taking her wants and desires into account. But, I see it as showing her that I can take care of her, even though she''s fully capable of doing so on her own. Maybe your boyfriend sees things the same way, and while he appreciates you helping him learn about rings and stones and what''s the best buy, and what suits your tastes, he also wants to feel like he holds the reigns.

My girl''s been emailing Pricescope for MUCH longer than I thought she had. And initially it did sort of steal my thunder, but now I figure if it''s what she wants to do, then that''s fine. Ultimately I know I''ll make the purchase, and she''ll be happy, and our live will merge into one. That''s the goal.

Stress can build up when you think about the factors that go into a marriage, and then also into selecting a ring. Although I love her and I can''t think of a better way to spend money, it does "hurt" to a degree to think of something so TINY costing so much. Maybe that''s playing into your guy''s added tension.

My girl can read stress and tension I don''t even know I''m experiencing. When she reacts snappy, it''s usually in reaction to the stress I express toward her, without knowing it. A few snappy comments is all it takes to figure out that someone''s upset about something.

It''ll work out. Just know the ring buying process IS stressful, as is the thought of changing your life forever, even when it means marrying the girl of your dreams. (Also remember that stress is a positive AND a negative....)

 

[sunkist]

Thank you very much Argh for commenting. I think that is very much how my BF feels. One of the things he told me last night is that he is excited about getting a ring/married etc. but it's just a different excitement than mine. I didn't really get what he said, and I didn't ask him to explain, but I think your comments help me to see it better from a guys perspective. I will let him feel more in control in this ring process (w/o being too passive)

Thank you again!

 

[Mara]

sunkist i wanted to ask you if you feel like maybe you are unconsciously trying to be 'on your best behavior' while you wait for him to do the proposal thing. i ask this because while i do not have a problem at all with being passive, i noticed that when we were ring shopping and i knew that he was going to be asking me to marry him, that i kind of WAS on better behavior, not passive really but just more easygoing and flexible and less assertive because i guess i felt like HE was in control of the relationship at that point and i didn't want him to go 'oh my god this woman i am going to spend the rest of my life with is a raging bitch!' and back out! hehee. it was kind of interesting, and i don't think i was totally changing my personality, it was more like just unconsciously tempering it a bit to maybe make it easier for him to take that final step. i remember thinking this briefly when it was all happening then never really gave it a thought but now i am wondering if maybe that is kind of what you are doing too. maybe unconsciously. i did it unconsciously then i noticed it and then forgot about it. but this just reminded me. i don't think he noticed a change at all though so it may not have been a whole lot of anything i was really doing differently...hard to say. it was almost 3 years ago!!

just a thought i figured i'd throw out there. it would be interesting if that was the case!

 

[klavigne]

My advice would be to drop all talk of the ring. If he brings it up fine, but otherwise don''t talk about it. He probable feels a little pressured by you showing him settings or trying to tell him that it''s all about the cut or etc..... My friend just broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years becasue she was putting too much pressure on him to get a ring/settledown. I''d hate to see anything like that happen to you. Just chill out with any talk of the ring. If he''s going to buy one for you let him do it on his own time table. Just my 2c''s

 

[sunkist]

Date: 3/28/2006 11:39:20 AM
Author: Mara
sunkist i wanted to ask you if you feel like maybe you are unconsciously trying to be ''on your best behavior'' while you wait for him to do the proposal thing. i ask this because while i do not have a problem at all with being passive, i noticed that when we were ring shopping and i knew that he was going to be asking me to marry him, that i kind of WAS on better behavior, not passive really but just more easygoing and flexible and less assertive because i guess i felt like HE was in control of the relationship at that point and i didn''t want him to go ''oh my god this woman i am going to spend the rest of my life with is a raging bitch!'' and back out! hehee. it was kind of interesting, and i don''t think i was totally changing my personality, it was more like just unconsciously tempering it a bit to maybe make it easier for him to take that final step. i remember thinking this briefly when it was all happening then never really gave it a thought but now i am wondering if maybe that is kind of what you are doing too. maybe unconsciously. i did it unconsciously then i noticed it and then forgot about it. but this just reminded me. i don''t think he noticed a change at all though so it may not have been a whole lot of anything i was really doing differently...hard to say. it was almost 3 years ago!!


just a thought i figured i''d throw out there. it would be interesting if that was the case!

Mara, I may be doing something similar. I definitely see myself curbing my excitement when we talk about rings. When we talk about marriage, etc. I definitely let all my excitement out!

But when we talk about rings I consciously say things very tactfully and just act like it''s an easy conversation, because this is the level of his excitement. Basically I think I mirror people''s emotions, unless it''s something that I feel strongly about. Now in this ring issue I do feel strongly about it, but, like you said Mara, I don''t want to scare him away so I feel out where he''s going and try not to over react.

The bottom line is I know he wants to settledown and marry me. I keep telling myself I''m going to just go with the flow. Just like I told myself I wouldn''t bring up rings anymore, because I''m more emotional about it than he is, and can cause stress between us. But then I see interesting things like the IdealScope photos and I want to share them with him!! Alright, I''m going to stop analyzing myself now and just go be his girlfriend and future fiance!

 

[argh&stuff]

I''m glad things are going better for you today. Sometimes stressors take a toll. Overall, being in love and preparing for a life together takes precedence; remember that.

As for a man leaving his girl because she''s persistent about a ring... Geesh! I guess it could happen, but I can only imagine she had a reason for asking about it so often, having been dating for five years. A cousin of mine is in the same position, and her boyfriend threatens to leave her if she keeps talking about it. It''s a nasty, circular game.

I''m glad you''re not in that situation, Sunkist. He''s "on it," just not as quickly as you''d like. (I''m not "on it" quite enough for my girl, either. Differences in the sexes, I suppose.)

 

[meepcat]

Ya know, guys don''t like it when the girl kowtows to their prescence. Guys like girls who act like one of the guys. Men love women who have independent spirits. You''re being hyper-sensitive, which can be coped with just by acknowledging, rather than acting it out. Also, when you''re sensitive, you feel self-conscious and lack confidence in your personal reasons for that behavior. But it''s you! So while you may feel like it''s something you have to shake, he may have already accepted this part about you.

If you think you''re afraid, then you''ll feel afraid. If you feel afraid, then you''ll act afraid. If you act afraid, your fears will control you. Just my opinion.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey Sunkist - you''ve already gotten some great advice here, but I wanted to add two thoughts I had while reading through this thread that I hope you might find helpful. The first is the idea of choosing your battles. I tend to let my FI make a lot of the day-to-day decisions in our lives (what movie to watch, what to have for dinner), because I''ve found that often those things don''t truly matter to me. When they matter to me of course I speak up, and what I''ve found is that because I try to accommodate him a lot of the time he is incredibly eager to indulge me when I express a definite preference. I''ve used eating and movie-watching as examples, but there are others as well - for example, when we go out to run errands or shop, he often finds things he wants but I rarely do, so on those occassions when I do, he is more eager to get them for me. I think this is a form of give-and-take that works extremely well for us but probably wouldn''t work for everyone. In any case, its something to consider.

The other things to consider is that I think that being over-sensitive and reading too much into things your significant other says can come from being almost too obsessed with the relationship. Don''t get me wrong, I know that at that time (immediately pre-engagement) its really hard not to be, but I''ve found that the times my FI''s and my relationship is best is when we''ve found a balance of pursuing our independent lives and interests and also investing time and energy in our relationship. I think that when you have a lot of other stuff going on in your life (hobbies, friends, family, school/work, etc...) it helps you to not obssess about multiple meanings to what your SO says when none truly exist, and in general I think it makes you a more laid-back sort of person.

Anyway, those are just some thoughts and some things that have worked for my FI and I - I hope they are helpful to you in your situation.

 

[moon river]

''What we''ve got here is a failure to communicate...''Sorry for the corny movie quote but I think that an open line of communication solves alot. Misunderstandings lead to bad things. Get the right prospective before continuing with the ring discussion any further. Good luck.