Mom guilting me about $$

[PearPear]

My wedding is in August. I asked my parents if they''d contribute to our wedding fund. My fiance''s family will be paying twice as much my parents would; fiance and I will also be contributing money...

So, yesterday I was talking to my mom (we don''t really get along all too well) she started guilting me about how she''s paying for my wedding and she''s not even going (we are having a destination wedding with only our siblings and close friends, under 10 people, my mother told me a year ago she wouldn''t even go, but now she''s guilting me about it).
She also said, "I was flabergasted you even asked for money!"
I never asked my parents for money or ANY help ever since I moved out 10 years ago.

When my parents agreed to contribute money, they were perfectly willing and pleasant about it at the time; I even called them back a week later just to confirm if it was alright w/ them. I had a bad feeling about taking the money because I KNEW that one day my mom would say something like, "We gave you money and you don''t even: yada, yada, yada." I just didn''t think it would be BEFORE the wedding!

I told my mom I''m giving the money back because I don''t want money to cause such a problem.

She also said,"I have MS, I have to pay for all my medications, you want me to sell all my sh*t to give you money?!? I might die soon!"

She has always been mean to me but she thinks she''s Mom of the Year.

Sorry to complain, I just wanted to see if anyone else has these kind of problems.

 

[blodthecat]

I wouldn''t want to except the money in that situation. Even if it means having to do without some of the things that you planned.

Planning a wedding is very stressful, so just accept that this is the situation with your mom and carry on with your plans.

It will still be a wonderful day!

Blod

BTW...there is no such thing as a ''normal family''. We''ve all got problems!

 

[diamondfan]

I agree, I would have a hard time taking money from her at this point. The price is just too high. Was there any discusiion about her not being able to afford it or that she would be going without medications etc to give it to you? Just seems like it is not worth it, sorry to say.

 

[nytemist]

Yep- I have this type of situation going on. My mother and I have had a horrible relationship as long as I can remember (i''ve talked about her in other posts). Once I got engaged, she tried to pull the ''proud mother of the bride'' act, wanting to help and inquiring about how plans were going, while at the same time critizing what I want to do and to beware the day my fiance leaves me since I''m "so fat", in her words.

People in our position should try to avoid accepting money if at all possible. If anything like my mother, it''s not strings attached, it''s rope used to control everything, even though it''s your wedding. My mother went as far to hand me a credit card to pay for something, but leading up to the wedding I know she would tell me what particular thing to spend it on, or come the day of the wedding, I would have to hear complaining "I paid for THAT?"

It''s tough, it really is. Is there any way the budget can be re-worked so you don''t need anything from your parents?

 

[codex57]

As you can see, lots of us have problems with our moms. You''re not alone. I''ve known I couldn''t trust my mom since I was 5 years old. For our wedding, she promised to help out a certain amount. My dad (the good parent) had already put down a deposit on the hotel on his credit card so my mom was talking about an additional amount (not sure she even knew about the deposit at that point). After the wedding, she saw that the money the guests gave (we do money instead of gifts in our culture) covered the wedding. So, my mom goes, "Oh, you guys don''t need help from us then." My dad tried to defend her by saying at least they helped out with the deposit on the hotel, but she wasn''t including that when she talked about helping us. It''s not the money that bothers us. It''s the fact that she broke a promise. She''s been doing stuff like that to me since I was 5 years old. The only good thing about it was my wife finally saw the reason why me and my sis don''t have the greatest relationship with my mom and why we avoid talking to her as much as we can.

We''re now trying to buy our first house and are having trouble coming up with a decent down payment (the wedding gift would have helped a lot) and my mom promised to help. We''re not holding our breath.

 

[zhuzhu]

Maybe she was just venting. Give it a few days before you decide to reject or accept her offer.

 

[PearPear]

I called my dad for Father''s Day and the first thing he said was,"I''m going to ask for that money back, it was my fault I even said yes to begin with."

I said,"Yeah, I already decided to give the money back" I didn''t want him to think I was going to give the money back just because HE asked for it.

So we are going to cover what they were going to contribute.

 

[ladykemma]

the good news is you are not trying to paint life like a norman rockwell painting. sometimes moms aren't trustworthy. sometimes they're mean. sometimes they're psychotic.

(I have NOTHING to do with the bio-parents for my safety, sanity and health. When I go around them I am the one who ends up sick, crazy, codependent, and tired.) My mom has diagnosed borderline personality disorder. my mom thinks she's "mom of the year" too, and doesn't understand why I refuse to have anything to do with her.

i am glad you are giving the money back. too many strings attached and too much weirdness.

 

[FireGoddess]

PP, in the long run, your idea to give back the money is the best option for you. Your mom is really being unreasonable, will only hold the money against you, and the aggravation is just not worth it for whatever they can contribute. Even if you have to trim your budget you will be better off in the long run than accepting her money. Good luck to you!