Mom problems. Advice?

[CrookedRock]

I know that everyone has issues with parents at some point, but I just feel like mine are never ending. (But we wouln''t even touch the Dad issue)

To sum things up for background reference: Parents split when I was 12, divorced when I was 17 (long story) bc Mom wanted to get remarried. She did, and he''s fantastic! They have been together ever since.

Ok so, Mom and I are a lot alike, and I realized this when I was about 18. I also realized that I didn''t want to be like her, and I started making strides to change certain things. I didn''t want to be a stubborn and abrasive as she can be, so I changed that along with many other things, and still work to not be like that.

Here''s the problem: We fight. We go back and forth between despising each other and being bff, and quite often. Many of the things she does disgusts my bf (and me) and I know it is hard for him to watch when I chose to go back to the bff stage with her, bc he knows it will only be temporary. The great thing about him though is that he would never say anything, or judge me bc of it, bc he knows how hard it is bc she is my Mom. But just this year some major things have happened.

To name a few: When we fight she likes to throw the fact that she pays my college loans, and tells me to pay them myself. Now that wouldn''t bother me, had she not offered to send me where ever it was I wanted to go, and take care of the payments. She chooses not to pay them in full even though she can bc the interest is low, but to me it is still interest and it is a waste of extra money. So finally after talking it over with the bf I decided to do just as she said, and I called and transfered over 30k in loans to myself, not an easy thing to take on! BF has offered to take care of it, but to me I would rather prove to her that I can do it without bit**ing about it every other day.
Secondly, she chooses to support my younger brother (22) even though he thinks he is exempt from the law, and continues to break it and his probation. She is constantly paying for his attorney (that he only has bc he is a family friend), and even bought him a house. Yes! His own house!
And then just this morning... I told her that bf was a little dissapointed bc she had offered her Masters Tix (not an easy tix) to us a while back when she first got them, and is now giving them to my step sis. Not so cool of her bc my bf has been looking forward to that for a long time. She of course got all defensive and told me she couldn''t talk to me about it anymore and hung up. Yup, hung up! I just feel like the more she pulls these stunts the more he looks down at her, as do I. I really don''t know how to handle it...

So, I guess this is kinda a rant, but I would really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer from the Mom side or the daughter side...

I should say that I do love my Mom dearly and admire her for her strength (and she really has been through some unimaginable stuff!!), but sometimes I think she is too strong. (and kinda mean)

 

[bee*]

Sorry to hear that-I don''t really have any advice but just wanted to empathize. It does sound like she needs to grow up a bit. Is there anyway that you can sit down with her (after she calms down over this current episode) and just explain to her that you don''t like the way that she fights and see can you discuss it with her.

 

[decodelighted]

She is who she is. She''s not gonna change. You can''t change her. What you can do is help your BF modify his EXPECTATIONS of her. (Which, BTW, will happen over time anyway). Warn him: she can''t be trusted, don''t get your hopes up, don''t believe what she says, she''s petty & unreliable & unfair etc etc. Plenty of people in the world are just flaky like that. Hopefully he won''t judge YOU by HER actions. Your own actions should speak for themselves.

I''ve had to accept things about my in-laws & my DH has had to accept things about my parents. Its just part of being imperfect people from imperfect families (like everyone is really!

).

 

[Madam Bijoux]

It is difficult because she''s your mother and has been through rough things, but you must stand up for yourself and distance yourself from her if she continues the toxic behavior. You have taken over your student loans, so there is no reason for your mother to raise that issue any more. I wouldn''t mention the situation with your brother to her - let her get burned and be sadder and wiser. She''ll appreciate you more when that happens. She did a mean-spirited thing with the tickets, but all you can do is shrug your shoulders and try to get tickets for yourselves. Don''t let anybody ruin your emotional health, regardless of who the person is.

 

[CrookedRock]

Thanks Bee and Deco..

Sadly, My Mom doesn''t really do sit down talks. I have tried for years, and she sees it as me beating a dead horse. So I never get anywhere, and it''s frustrating as hell! The bf really does take her with a grain of salt bc he can, and he certainly doesn''t judge me bc of her, but he will tell me when i start to show signs of her, and I quickly snap out of it. I guess its just hard for me to deal with. He is a trooper no matter what. I just wish she would grow up. Crazy thing is even her husband will agree with me many times and she still will not change. I have boycotted holidays and even refused to speak to her for months at a time and she still doesn''t get it! Such an uphill battle on a never ending hill!

 

[decodelighted]

I know this sounds crazy but things get a LOT easier when you stop "wishing she''d grow up" and start accepting that she is flawed. Are you in your mid/late twenties? I went through a similar "separation period" from my family at that time (with the help of a good therapist

) and WHEW did I feel better. Once you give up the dream/wish/hope you can find compassion & forgiveness and even a deeper more generous kind of love.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 4/1/2008 11:31:00 AM
Author: decodelighted
I know this sounds crazy but things get a LOT easier when you stop ''wishing she''d grow up'' and start accepting that she is flawed. Are you in your mid/late twenties? I went through a similar ''separation period'' from my family at that time (with the help of a good therapist

) and WHEW did I feel better. Once you give up the dream/wish/hope you can find compassion & forgiveness and even a deeper more generous kind of love.

What Deco said is very, very true. I think that many adults in their mid/late twenties go through this stage with their parents. It''s a very difficult period--I realize that your parents will always be your parents, but at some point you stop seeing them as role models and the relatoinship becomes less parent/child and more adult/adult. I think that in your situation, when you took on the responsibility of your loans and started enforcing a few boundaries, your relatoinship with her changed. It''s definitely for the better, but it''s not easy. If I were you, I would continue to work on establishing your boundaries with her. You know you love her and she knows you love her, but it''s okay to step away from the relationsihp for a little while if you feel like she''s being a bit too dramatic for you. The more consistent you are, the more steady your relationship can become.

Sorry you''re having to deal with this, Crookedrock! It''s hard enough to go through this stage even without dramatic parents!

 

[CrookedRock]

Thanks ladies! I appreciate all the kind words and advice! It's nice to hear other opinions, other than my bf, grandma (her Mom), and my Dad...

I am doing my best to see her for what she is and the hardest part is that I don't really like it at all. It's funny bc when my parents split she put us in counseling, but never went herself... I have asked her to consider mother daughter sessions with me and even said I would be willing to do the hour drive to her town every week to keep it up. She refused, but I have considered doing it on my own for myself and my sanity!

My Dad, who certainly isn't up for Dad of the year, has told me for a while now that she's jealous of me, and has been for some time now. He's given me some examples etc...
IS it possible for a mother to be jealous of her daughter? Sounds kinda crazy to me, but at the same time the things he points out make sense...

ETA~ I am in my tewnties, almost 25. and I am glad to know that this sort of thing is not totally out of the norm, although out of the norm has become the norm in my family!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 4/1/2008 12:44:18 PM
Author: CrookedRock
Thanks ladies! I appreciate all the kind words and advice! It''s nice to hear other opinions, other than my bf, grandma (her Mom), and my Dad...

I am doing my best to see her for what she is and the hardest part is that I don''t really like it at all. It''s funny bc when my parents split she put us in counseling, but never went herself... I have asked her to consider mother daughter sessions with me and even said I would be willing to do the hour drive to her town every week to keep it up. She refused, but I have considered doing it on my own for myself and my sanity!

My Dad, who certainly isn''t up for Dad of the year, has told me for a while now that she''s jealous of me, and has been for some time now. He''s given me some examples etc...
IS it possible for a mother to be jealous of her daughter? Sounds kinda crazy to me, but at the same time the things he points out make sense...

ETA~ I am in my tewnties, almost 25. and I am glad to know that this sort of thing is not totally out of the norm, although out of the norm has become the norm in my family!

Yes it is. It''s sad when it happens but I''ve seen it happen. I feel bad for your situation and I wish I could help somehow

 

[omieluv]

Date: 4/1/2008 12:44:18 PM
Author: CrookedRock
IS it possible for a mother to be jealous of her daughter? Sounds kinda crazy to me, but at the same time the things he points out make sense...

Very much so. Out of respect for my mother, I will not go into detail regarding her jealousy, as I do not think she intends to be this way. However, I can sympathize with you and hope that you can eventually come to terms with your mother's behavior. What I will say is that my mother is not good with one on one discussions on how her behavior has made me feel, so I have reasoned that she is not capable of taking it all in. Over the years, I realized that I would never be able to change my mother and I am so much better off for accepting this fact. So, as Deco mentioned, I look at her more as a friend, which has allowed me to take the good with the bad, as she does have wonderful qualities too. I take each interaction with her one instance at a time and know that I am strong enough to distance myself from her when she is less than kind.

On the flip side, we also have to realize that our mothers at this point in our lives are probably going through a transition of their own. For us, we are maturing into adults and doing adult activities (engagement, wedding, children, etc.). For them, they are realizing we are not the little tykes we once were, so for some, that can be very difficult to accept, which could be where some of your mother's behavior might be coming from. This might not be the case for you though.

It's great that you took over on your student loan, as there is no sense in letting her have power over you. A friend of mine recently took over her loan from her father b/c he was holding it over her head as well. Though she really does not want to have to pay back $80k, she feels like a weight has been lifted from her. She also went so far as to pay for her own wedding because he was being so controlling of everything, which she has never regretted.


ETA: Seeking counseling might be a good way for you to work out your feelings.

 

[luckystar112]

I turned 25 in January, and I can say that my mother and I are the exact same way. In fact, I believe there is a thread or two around where I''ve vented. My mother also likes to rub in my face what she has done for me in the past. I can relate to you wholeheartedly...even down to the best friends one day, in a fight the next. My mother also likes to make promises she can''t keep.
Like you, I can survive without my mother helping me (and I have, since I move out of her house 12 days after graduating high school!). But every once in a while she will offer to help me financially with something. For instance, one year we went to FI''s family''s house for Christmas, and my mother told that that the next Christmas she wanted to buy our plane tickets to fly up to see her. The next Christmas rolls around and I casually ask her if that was still her plan (just trying to figure out what we''re doing...) and instead of telling me that she didn''t have the money or that she forgot, she proceeds to tell me that I''m an "adult" and she''s sick of "paying my way". HA! Yeah right, mom. She was feeling guilty about not being able to, and she blames me for HER feeling guilty. Another good example is my wedding dress...she insisted on paying on half. INSISTED. I should have known better, but I agreed to let her. I could pay for it myself (which is what I ended up doing) but it was something that she said she really wanted to do. A few months later when discussing costs of things she sort of threw in the conversation for ME not to forget about the second half of my dress. I didn''t call her out on it because it would have ended up in a fight...but GEEZE. I am an adult, and of course I could pay for these things myself...but its the principle. Don''t tell me you want to do something nice for me so I plan for other things and then not do the nice thing!

Since I moved out right after graduating from high school, I think its hard for her to see me (or my FI for that matter) as adults. In fact, when I''m around her its like I''m still 17. She kind of treats us like we''re young and dumb even though FI is approaching 30.

I almost wonder if its the same for everyone...and if you''re ever treated as an "equal" or if you always have to sit at the "kids table" so to speak. Maybe I''ll finally be a grown up once I have a child of my own. But even then I''m sure I''ll be doing everything wrong.

FI could really live without my mom too. In fact, she''s his number one reason for not moving to my home state...as sad as that it. We plan on moving to the northeast in a few years and his only request is that we choose a place far enough from my mother so that she can''t just pop in. lol.

 

[luckystar112]

hehe omieluv, obviously I have no qualms about talking about my mother. Once I start....whoa Nelly!

I just wanted to add that ABSOLUTELY your mother can be jealous of you. I KNOW my mom is. She has a f''n MYSPACE and cyber stalks all of MY friends. She adds people on my friends list that she''s never even met before and probably will never meet. She''s more interested in whats going on in my life and my friends lives than what is going on with people her own age. It''s definitely weird sometimes. And I think its my fault because I DO look at her as a friend instead of a mom...but boundaries DO get crossed when you do that. I learned the hard way!!

But for the most part my mother and I are fine. It''s when we''re together that I can''t handle her. I can''t imagine what it would be like if we lived closer to eachother.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My Fi has the exact situation with his mother. Atleast yours just hung up. His threatend suicide and then wouldn''t answer the phone for hours.
What his mom has and what I suspect your mom might have is a personality disorder. Unfortunately, without a diagnosis and treatment nothing is going to change on her end and it isn''t going to get much easier. Although you can develop specific stratagies for the disorder which my FI did and it definitely helps.

What you can do is erect boundries which will protect both of you. If she is behaving badly, call her on it. It will lead to yelling but once she starts to get it that you are serious it will help. Same with not accepting anything she offers. She will see it as giving her the right to make trouble. Believe me, as the good child I know how hard it is to watch parents support the problem kid, but unfortunately, that doesn''t change.

 

[CrookedRock]

Luckystar, it sounds like we have the same type of Mom. Today she has already called me 4 times being my BFF, but of course she is calling to get me to help her and do a favor for her.... Always about her! All I want to do is say, "aren''t you the person who couldn''t talk to me anymore, and hung up?". I just know it gets me nowhere and she would do it all over again. It''s just a tiring game... I really does make me feel better to know it''s not only happening to me. All of my my friends seem to get along seemlessly with their parents, then there''s me! It''s just tough to deal with. Maybe when we get married and start a family she will realize that I am an adult, I just don''t know what will stop the jealously.
Thanks for all the support though gals. It means a lot, bc I really have nowhere to vent tht people understand what I am going through.

BrazenIrishHussy, my step-sis'' mom used to pull those stunts, so bad that she actually walked in on her with a gun on the table. They sent her aways for help and she actually stopped talking to her for a while so that she would realize what she was losing by acting in tha manner. It actually worked, I wouldn''t say she''s "normal" now, but she certainlydoesn''t pull that crap anymore. I feel for you FI, it is not easy to deal with.