Mom vent- Kinda long

[princessplease]

So some people may remember my post back in May about my Negative Nancy mother Link to original post. Well, FI and I are in full planning mode, and have a few vendors booked. We picked our reception and ceremony location, which is absolutely gorgeous. FI loved the place, and he hasn''t been blown away by other venues. We had a taste test, and the food was delicious!!!!! FI and I met with the owner two weeks ago, and put out date on hold with her, and will be sending the deposit by the end of the month. Seemed all well and good, and everything was moving along great.

Well, mom first complained about the price, saying that $65 pp before taxes and gratuity was "obnoxiously overpriced." I tried to explain to her that the price is extremely reasonable for our area (most venues run over $100pp). She still thought it was too much. Last week, she gives me this brochure for a venue that ended up being $50 more pp than our original venue. I thought it was odd since she completely freaked out about $65, I couldn''t see how $140 was even thought to be ok. But, I took it in stride and let it go. I took it as she was excited and really didn''t know what our budget is. I offered mom, on numerous occasions when she was available, a chance to visit FI and I''s venue to see how beautiful the place is. She refused to go all those times.

So the other day, she prints out this information from this other venue, which was $75 pp. I was aware of the place she was talking about because it is not one of the premiere locations in the area. IMO, most of the venue''s rooms are very tacky and almost look like they''re out of the 80''s, lol. The non tacky rooms are extremely plain and offer no pizazz, no wow factor. They are just so dull (they offer a virtual tour online of all their banquet rooms, so you can see the rooms online). I have a few pals who went to events at the location mom was talking about, and none of them were impressed. Plain rooms, tacky decor, rude staff, ok food, etc. I also know people who went to weddings at our venue, and they were beyond pleased. They said the decor was amazing and the food was wonderful. Mom thought the place she gave to me was better because they offered more selection in food (seafood at cocktail hour, oriental stir-fry station and a pasta station). I told her I was not interested in this or any other venues because FI and I LOVE the venue we chose. We knew the second we walked in that the current venue was where we wanted the wedding to be at. Everyone thinks our venue is amazing, and FI and I LOVE it. I compare it to knowing that my dress was ''the dress''. I just knew this venue is it.

Anyway, after telling mom I wasn''t interested, she yelled at me that I am "incredibly close minded and really am a bridezilla." I then told her that if she can''t be happy with FI and I''s decisions, then she really needs to stay out of the wedding planning. I was talking to MOH and said that if mom is acting like this now, 13 months out, I can''t even imagine how she''ll be next year at this time with 1 month to go. I guess my heart just yearns for mom to be into this and support my decisions. She''s my mother and she knows that she is hurting me, but she still continues to do it. I guess this is not how I expected mom to act during the planning. I really want her to be there for me, to get excited over things about the wedding, and to not hurt me, but she continues to do it. I''m hurt, but I actually started to get angry that she is acting like this, and that she called me a bridezilla. I am by no means even close to a bridezilla, and while it seems silly, that really really hurt me. Now she''s not talking to me.

I needed to vent, get some perspectives, especially if any PSers have been in this kind of situation.

 

[ilovesparkles]

While I''m really not experiencing what you are, I feel really bad for you! My FMIL is acting this way. My mother on the other hand, simply says, "thats nice dear, but how can you afford that! You have to think simple." If it were up to her, we would have a dress, a suit, and 20 family members. What really bothers me, is that at this stage, every thing I suggest to her are ideas, not written in stone! Ugh.

Sending you big hugs! And I hope your mom comes around!

 

[princessplease]

Thanks so much ILS!!!! I''m sorry FMIL is acting the same way. I guess I''m hurt because my expectations of MOB''s are completely different than how my mom is. I yearn for her to be into everything, or at least be happy for me. I''m just having a tough time dealing with it because it just doesn''t feel right to have the situation be like this.

 

[supergirl10]

Yes princess i am going through the EXACT same thing ... it is so funny cos i was just going to post on that! Your mother is being unreasonable and really it is your day ... Thought you might enjoy some of my mumzilla moments from past fortnight.

My draft guest list is currently at 140 which is at least 40 more than what we both wanted.
The reason for the massive guest list is my mums family. When we first got engaged she told me she wanted all her brothers and sisters and their children invited. .. She has 7 brothers and sister and that makes 16 first cousins EXCLUDING their partners. AND that''s just her side ... in total that is around 60 people just for my family. Our combined realatives total 90 and we aren''t even italian or greek or any other ethnic group that has a large family.

My price per head is extremely reasonable ie. under $50 / head. I choose this place not because I love loved it , because this was the only reasonably priced place to accomdate these types of numbers.

Let me add a disclaimer we will be putting in the largest portion of money to fund the wedding, our parents are both contributing but we will still have to top it up by quite a bit. Also everything is being done to a tight tight budget and we are keeping everything simple and cheap by calling in favours from friends and family and doing as much as possilble ourselves to decrease cost.

Just last week she had a huge fight:

Rant 1 - re: numbers of guest. I tried explaining it was JUST a draft and 140 was nothing concrete and not all of those people would be invited it was just a DRAFT.

Then she started yelling about why did i have to invite this aunt''s children when i haven''t even seen them for 3 years

that is when i lost my sh**z. I said to her "Mum let me polietly remind you that you insisted all your brothers and sister and their children be invited ... i personally couldn''t care less if these particular cousin are present." SO she is basically insisting i invite certain people then cracking about the cost.

Rant 2 - Centerpieces.

She also got angry about centerpieces, she didn''t have them at her wedding and they are "frivilous" . With the help of my MIL to be the entire 13 tables''s centerpieces will be done for aprox $300 which i don''t think is a huge expense at all.

Then wait for it ... she suggested that we buy centerpiences of a friend of hers from work, who''s daughter is getting married soon. I tried to gently explain that this girl is having lillies and I am having roses so the whole theme would just not mesh well together ... then she started about what a brat i am and how i can''t except anything second hand

So thats me princess ... its not just you. I hope it gets better for you

 

[swingirl]

Mother-of-the-bride and future-mother-in-law are very difficult jobs!! Brides ask for their opinions but don''t like when they get them. Brides want their mother''s to be excited over every decision they make and are disappointed when they get ho-hum responses. Some brides want their mom''s to keep quiet, others want them to jump in the air and click their heals.

After reading all the posts about mothers and MILs I haven''t read too many where the moms got it right. I am scared that someday my daughter will get engaged! Should I tell her the venue is too expensive, the food is over-priced, the menu is bad, her dress doesn''t fit, or Auntie M is terribly offended she didn''t get an invitation? Or should I just say, "that''s nice." I will be hoping for an elopement!

 

[Squirrly]

i''m so sorry she''s acting that way! perhaps it''s good that she''s not talking to you right now though, at least then she''s not arguing with you

 

[Ms.Goggles]

Hi princessplease! I know how you feel. I have always had a strained relationship with my mother - it's not at all limited to the wedding. My fiance & I have been engaged for more than six months now and my mom is not the excited, involved mother of the bride that I had hoped she would somehow be. In fact, she hasn't called me to ask about the wedding or planning since I called her back in January to tell her we were considering a destination wedding! She wasn't excited the night I called her to tell her we were engaged, she hasn't gone to look at dresses with me and shows no interest whatsoever in the planning or the marriage. I took it pretty hard and I still have days where I just long for the kind of mom my friends have, who want to help find venues, go dress shopping and be involved and excited for their daughters.

I can definitely understand where you're coming from, but it sounds like your mom wants to help, but isn't sure how involved you'd like her to be and in what capacity. Are you the oldest daughter? The first child to get married? The only child? She may being feeling really emotional about this big change in her family, even though she's excited for you. Is this her general nature or is her attitude surrounding your decision-making brought on by the wedding plans? You didn't mention if you are typically close to your mom. If you can, I think a good thing to do would be to invite her out to coffee or lunch and talk about something other than the wedding for a while. When the time is right, you can tell her how stressful the plans have been so far and that you appreciate her wanting to give input and feedback into your special day. Tell her how excited you are about the venue you've both found, everything you've said here, and let her know that this venue in which you picture celebrating this special day. Let her know that having her be involved in the planning is important to you.

I can understand why it would hurt you to be called a Bridezilla, especially from your own mother. Without knowing her at all, it sounds like this was a quick reaction on her part to the situation; I can't imagine she really thinks you're a Bridezilla. You haven't described yourself that way at all.

Don't let this situation push you two apart. You're both adults and, even more importantly, you're family. Weddings are stressful and can sometimes bring things out in people. At the end of the day, she wants to be involved and you want her to be involved. You can fix this. I think sometimes we expect our mothers to be perfect and know the right thing to do because, well, they're our moms. Moms are humans too & even they say things they don't mean. Your wedding will be beautiful - congrats on finding the perfect venue! I'll be looking forward to your follow up!

 

[princessplease]

Thanks so far for your comments everyone.
Supergirl, I''m sorry you''re going through this as well. I hope your situation improves.
Squirrly thanks for your kind words.
Ms.Goggles, I''m sorry your mom is not being supportive of your wedding. To answer your questions, I am my mom''s only daughter, and the oldest. I have a younger brother who is 19. We were never really close since I was about 16 (I''m 24 now) when there was a big and bad family situation that went down. We''ve gotten along fine, though, and I''ve forgiven her for her mistakes back in the past. I have explained to her in the past that I want her involved, and that I want her input, but please don''t be negative about it. When I told her that, she responded "I''m not negative, I''m just a realist". She is a negative person in general about everything, though. I''m gonna give your advice a shot. Thank you so much for your advice!

 

[stephbolt]

Ugh Princess I''m sorry you are going through this. Obviously you are not being a bridezilla at all! I have had some trouble with my mother as well. I feel guilty because my parents are paying for the majority of the wedding, so I feel like I have to listen to and take her opinion into account, but on the other hand, every time I offer a suggestion to save some money (for example, DIY flowers, or getting hair/makeup done at a beauty school, or DIY invites) she says we don''t want to do that because it will be too much work or not high quality enough. I think some of it is generational - I know my grandma planned my parents entire wedding so I think to some degree my mom expects to do that herself.

 

[princessplease]

Stephbolt thanks for your comment. Actually, FI and myself, FI''s parents, and my dad and stepmom are all contributing to the wedding. Mom has not offered anything financially to the wedding. By no means am I upset and hurt about her not contributing financially. Everyone is giving what they can, and that was beyond generous of them to do so. I honestly don''t know if mom can give anything. I''m a huge DIY (a lot of the decor and related items will be done my myself and family), so I know it''s a huge way to save money. Mom actually is too, because she is rather frugal. Mom is so frugal that she suggested I buy my invitations at a local $1+ store and DIY. C''mon, lol! I just blew it off because she can be silly about stuff like that sometimes.
BTW, your furrbaby is adorable!!!!!!

 

[brendaman]

We''re going through a similarly trying time with my FILs and, in particular, FBIL, who never really liked me (to the point of calling me a racial slur to FI). I don''t want to go on with the sordid story (I did write about it here), but I do want to share with you some of the things I''ve learned so far. A wedding, as you know, is such an emotional time, that all kinds of psychological baggage come bubbling to the surface for both families. FI has never established his independence from his family dynamic, and our wanting the wedding a certain way (e.g. his parents had never heard of a father of the groom being Best Man) just makes his family feel uncomfortable. So, it''s a struggle of wanting our wedding our way and having to explain this to his parents and asking them to be comfortable with our choices. Sometimes it feels as if they''re being petty (FMIL is uncomfortable, because she thinks she will be going down the aisle by herself), and sometimes they are being downright mean (I told them the price per person was over $200 and tried to alleviate their shock by saying that the cake was free to which FBIL replies, "Nothing is free." I tried to make light of this and say, "My love is free," to which he replies "Even that has a price"!??).

I''ve learned to mirror what they are saying and then ask them why they feel this way. When your Mom presents her choices to you, did you ask her why she likes these venues? I now always ask my FILs why it is important for them to have a certain thing their way for our wedding (they are not paying; I am). This starts a discussion of what is actually going on, but sometimes to be practical on such an emotional event is difficult. It seems that your Mom''s role in the wedding planning to help you, but it wasn''t really defined clearly and perhaps that''s what is needed. With the rest of the family contributing financially, she is tyring to establish her contribution, albeit in a negative, passive-agressive way. My FILs are also negative, glass half-empty people (actually, not only is the glass half-empty, it is also shattered), and I''ve learned that I need to define their contribution clearly with them and not ask them for their opinion for most of the wedding planning. You can imagine the comments I heard a long the way ("the band is too loud", "food is too expensive", etc.). Boundaries. You probably need to establish boundaries. When your Mom knows her role clearly (e.g. help you with DIY projects?), then she will not feel the need to provide her input where it''s not needed. And when she does provide her two cents, just thank her and ask her why it''s important for her to want you to change something that has already been decided (e.g. the venue).

 

[honey22]

Sheesh! Sorry you are going through this sweetie. I think you did the right thing, explaining to her that you and FI have chosen the venue that you love, and if she can''t respect your decisions, to keep out of the planning. Well done for standing your ground in such a tough situation.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Stop her now.

I think telling her flat out that you make the best choices possible based on budget and taste. This is your wedding...it''s a reflect of you and your FI, no one else. That she is welcome to contribute ideas and suggestions on things you''re still deciding on, but that you have the ultimate veto power...and likewise, the things that have already been decided on are off limits. So she can either be included and respectful...or she can just show up and have a great time--that is her only real choice when it comes to your wedding.

If you want a peaceful planning...then you need to set the ground rules from jump street...otherwise there are no firm boundries for her to respect. I know it''s hard to stand up to your mom...you have respect for her and want her support...but sometimes being firm will get your further in long run.

Good luck!!!

 

[jstarfireb]

Sorry to hear about all this! My mom was similar to this, but not quite as bad. She expressed her disdain at a lot of my choices and took over almost all of the decorating. Whenever I expressed an idea that differed from hers, she would play the "bridezilla" card. God, I hate that word! Especially when it''s thrown around so maliciously and so incorrectly.

Supergirl10, my mom did the same thing with the guest list. She ended up inviting a lot of people who I haven''t seen since early childhood. My policy is this: if I wouldn''t recognize their face, they don''t belong at my wedding! But thanks to my mom, there were many people I didn''t recognize there.

Stephbolt - regarding what you said about your grandma, the exact same thing was true for me. She planned my mom''s entire wedding; I guess that became my mom''s model for how wedding planning should be done.

In the end all you can do is stick to your guns and try not to let it bother you too much. Hopefully in time she''ll realize that your choices are perfectly reasonable.

 

[princessplease]

Thanks everyone for all of your comments.
Brendaman and Italiahaircolor, you guys made a lot of sense in the setting boundaries thing. I really need to do that because I fear that the planning will be a disaster for the next year if I don''t do that.
Honey, thank you for your support.
Jstar, I am in complete agreement with the bridezilla comment. That word has such a negative connotation to it, and it just kills me that my own mother called me that.