Mom''s diamod or my own?

[squeaksluv]

Hello, I''m new here and had a question that maybe some of you maybe able to give me some advice on.

I''ve been dating my bf for 3 1/2 years now and we''ve recently begun talking about marriage. I don''t know when he''s going to propose but I''ve got it in my head (probably a bad idea) that it''s going to happen soon. The reason I think this is that he''s planned a trip for us to go away to Washington DC at the end of the month and has made reservations at a restaurant that I''ve always loved. I also overheard a message from a jeweler the other day while I was hanging out at his place, the guy didn''t say why he was calling, but why else would a jeweler be calling him?????? Also, the other day we were out to dinner with some friends who just got engaged (ANOTHER one!!!) and he was talking to them all about diamonds and he certainly knew his stuff - this is from a guy who a month ago wouldn''t of known a diamond from cut glass. So these things are making me wonder..

Here''s what I would love your advice on...assuming of course that my engagement will finally happen, I have, like all of you I''m sure, dreamed about my engagement ring for quite some time. I''ve planned it in my head, color, clarity, size, and even tried on similar rings to make sure it''s what I want. For me the perfect ring is a solitaire emerald cut diamond. I''ve loved this cut for as long as I can remember.

Now I just found out that my bf''s grandmother has left him her ering. It''s a round brillant which although gorgeous, is not a cut I''d pick for myself. He hasn''t said anything about using this ring but I''m sure he''d think about it right? It wasn''t like she was leaving it for us to get engaged as she left one for his sister and his other brother as well so they each got a diamond.

We''ve never discussed what type of ring I want although I have made comments when I''ve seen someone wearing an emerald cut. Like one time we were flipping through People and there was a picture of Donald Trump''s ering and I said that that was my dream ring, of course minus the size!!! He looked at and asked what it was and I told him an emerald cut but that was all that was ever spoken about.

Do you think I should drop hints again or just leave it to the powers that be? I would love any ring he''d get me of course, even one out of a gumball machine, if he''d only propose already!

I hope I''m not jumping the gun on this but it just seems like it might happen.

Thanks!!

 

[fatafelice]

Squeaksluv: Welcome to the forum!

It does sound like there is something going on! Hopefully it will happen soon for you.

I completely understand the "inherited" stone dilemma. We thought briefly about using my mom''s old e-ring stone. I had almost come to terms with the size (.5 ct...a little smaller than I was hoping for), but then I realized how bad the cut was. It is a pretty stone, just not my dream.

I firmly believe that you should have your dream stone (taking budget into consideration, of course). In a perfect world, you could have both the family heirloom sentiment and the emerald cut, but it doesn''t sound like that is the case. I see absolutely nothing wrong with telling your BF what you have in mind. Remember that he wants to make you happy! You could try some more subtle hints, like magazine photos, but that can be tricky. I personally think it is better to be honest. Once, a long, long time ago (pre-PS), I cut out some pictures of rings that I liked and put them all in an envelope. I gave it to my BF and said, "I know now is not the time, but I want you to be able to surprise me when the time does come, so here are some pictures of styles that I love." Of course, I have since progressed way past that kind of "subtlety," but there is no need to be as crazy as I am.

Here is some eyecany that you can present him with! Enjoy!

 

[fatafelice]

My favorite EC ring of all time! (BTW, these two are from Fay Cullen)

 

[fatafelice]

Stunning contemporary from Goldworks in NC.

 

[fatafelice]

Newly posted Mark Morrell beauty!

 

[fatafelice]

Another custom Mark Morrell

 

[fatafelice]

Ritani Royal Crown

 

[fatafelice]

last one for now...Ritani Endless Love halo.

See any styles that you like so far?

 

[squeaksluv]

Oh my fatafelice, you have posted some gorgeous rings! My favorite I think is the last Mark Morrell, a simple but gorgeous solitaire! Although all of them are so beautiful!

So last night I went over his place after he got home from work (he was working late) and started talking about our friends recent engagement. Of course I eventually steered the conversation torwards her ering and asked him what he thought of it (it was a round brillant set with two trillions). He said it was very nice although he didn''t like the setting it was in. He asked me what I though of it. Here''s my chance I thought!!! I said that although I thought it was very blingy (!!) I personally don''t love the round brillant although set with the trillions it was nice. Of course this led to what do I like and I told him...the emerald cut. He pondered this for awhile and asked me do I like the 3 stone setting, I said no, a simple solitaire is nice. We went back and forth for a bit on all the people we know who have gotten engaged recently (nearly all of them

) and how many weddings we''ll have to go to next year. He asked me what about ours (!!). I had to choose my words carefully at this point, don''t want to put too much pressure on him now. So I said I would like to get married in the next year, maybe in the fall and he said a fall wedding is very nice. At this point I could tell he was starting to loose interest so I said that venues get booked up so early it''s a good thing our friends got engaged now...this seem to startle him and he asked me what I meant so I told him. Keep in my mnd that during this entire conversation I''m playing it so cool and so casual, as if we were talking about the weather! Even though I just wanted to shake him and say WAKE UP BUDDY, YOU BETTER PROPOSE AND PRONTO!!!!

So I think I set the stage for what I want and that if we want a fall weddng the proposal better happen soon. There is nothing I can do at this point as I''m afraid to push him on this. A few months ago his best friends girlfriend gave his friend an ultimatum and did you know that jerk (I''d say a stronger word but not here) broke up with her? They had been dating for almost 4 years like us and he said he was going to propose to her but when she pushed it he got pissed so he broke up with her. What a complete loser. He totally lied about that as he was not going to propose then. Of course my bf totally backs him up saying she shouldn''t pressure on him, he should be allowed to do it in his own time, needed to make sure she was the right one, etc. I got mad and said his idea of taking time was ridiculous, was he waiting for a message from God that she''s the one? This led to a huge fight and we didn''t talk to at least a day..this is why I''m afraid to push the issue!!!!

Ugh. Men can really suck sometimes...especially when it comes to marriage.

 

[diamondlil]

You handled things very well, Squeaksluv. I have a feeling that you were both trying to *act* like it was a casual conversation even though you each had an agenda that you didn't want the other one to know.

Now the ball is in his court, and you'll have to wait and see. At least he knows what you want, so he should take the hint. His grandmother's ring would be a wonderfully sentimental gift for you at some point but not necessarily the engegement ring of "your" dreams. Hopefully, he was really understanding what you want for an e-ring.

On a personal note, I gave my then-boyfriend an ultimatum about getting engaged. I had been in a long relationship before him, and I do believe that after over a year of seeing each other exclusively, you either know you're headed in the direction of marriage or not. He said he was not ready at that time. I was.

We broke up too. It was not long before he realized what he had done though. We got back together, got engaged, and then married 6 months later. We've been happily married for over 19 years.

I do believe that sometimes men need a little shove -- no offense to you guys out there

. The hard part is living with the consequences if it does not go your way.

 

[sparkly_stars]

I''m glad you guys had that talk!
Before reading that last post... I was thinking "guys DON''T always listen to details, and they sometimes go on their own instincts" (sometimes thats good, often it isn''t).

I was worried you''d "leave it be" and hope for the best! (when you hinted about your emerald cut desire, was it before or after the last "suspicious" month?)
ANYWAYS I hope this works out for you, and I hope its soon...
It seems that when you want something(I don''t mean YOU, just in general), the thought of what you want becomes THE MOST important thing on your mind.. and THEn if we think about engagement rings, it''s as if it takes over your body

, so hopefully this all ends soon for you!

 

[Mara]

That''s a tough call...

My friend''s sister just got engaged and she got a family heirloom from his fam from the 1920''s...hearing about it makes me think of those old dinner rings with lots of diamonds, this has 2 1c diamonds side by side and 3 smaller 1/2c diamonds on each side of the larger ones. I call it the ''boobie ring'' just from hearing about it.

Anyway the sister loves it, but I don''t know if it was something she''d choose for herself. She''s relatively low-maintenance though so I don''t think it bothers her at all that she didn''t get to choose anything.

But it would bother alot of other people (myself included most likely if I had absolutely no say in it). It''s a tough call, I think it''s hard to say without knowing more about how your BF or his family feels, in alot of families it would be a huge sign of respect that they want you to wear a family heirloom and they may feel insulted if you turn it down. On the other hand, alot of girls want their own ring, esp if they have been really dreaming about something specific.

One option could be that if he really feels strongly about giving you this heirloom, you can always take it and then later maybe on 5 year anni, talk about getting your own ring that you create with him, and move the family heirloom to the right hand. But really I think it''s hit or miss! Some of these heirlooms could be really iffy on how much people like them. I mean sure give me a big old euro cut (round) in a filigree antique pave setting and I''d be all over it. But the boobie ring? Not lovin'' the sound of it so much. It could easily go one way or the other!!

Good luck!

 

[rebeclette]

Hi squeaksluv! Your situation sounds very similar to mine!

My boyfriend and I first talked about getting engaged about 6 months ago, so I went on this long hunt to find a ring that I love. And then about a month ago he told his parents that he was planning on proposing, and they mentioned that he could give me one of his great-grandmother''s rings. I''m touched by their generousity by intrusting me with something so valuble to them, but none of the rings sounds like my style. And I really want a ring that I can feel is mine, and that if I loose it or break it, it will only effect me.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a little more open to discussing getting your own ring though than mine is, which sounds promising! My boyfriend is really hurt that I might not want his family ring, and doesn''t understand that I will not wear a 100 year old ring while working in the hospital. And I don''t want to start of the engagement by offending his family. But I desperatly want my own ring!

I think its only natural for boyfriends to be pressured, i know mine certainly is. I just don''t know what to do about it either, because I''m really unhappy about how things are going, and he can''t understand why. Maybe you could just talk to him about the specific engagement ring? Maybe that would make him feel less pressured, since you aren''t bugging him about when he is proposing? My mom advocated serving him pie/dessert wine, and then sitting on him during the discussion. I found this technique to be only partly sucessful...

I want a fall wedding too...but it won''t be until at least 2 years from now

 

[squeaksluv]

Diamondlil, I agree in that some guys need to be pushed, shoved, and dragged into making a decision! My best friend gave her man an ultimatum and he ended up proposing. He said at first he felt pressured but then he turned it into his own decision and it was really sweet! I'm glad your husband figured it out too. I hope my bf remembers our conversation...he has a way of forgetting things sometimes! I just feel like I've been waiting forever watching all of our friends get engaged and married around us. My one friend, who was dating her man only a few months longer than me, is already married with a baby! Albeit she was only married for about 2 years before she had her daughter but still! I should have a ring on my finger already!!

Sparkly_stars I know exactly what you mean. I feel as if ALL I think about is getting engaged and my ering. It's ridiculous! I spend hours online (when I should be working) looking at wedding sites and rings! We had the talk last night about the ring I want but he seemed interested (or was at least acting like he was!) so all I can do is hope, pray, and wait. I have to get my mind off of this and think about something else!

Mara you had me cracking up over the boobie ring! I don't think I would be very happy witha boobie ring either. So funny though! From what I can tell it doesn't sound as if his family is entirely sentimental over the diamonds. When he found out he was getting one of his grandmothers he rolled his eyes and said what the heck was he going to do with it (mmmm, that can either sound good or bad!). I know I'll be happy either way, as long as I'm engaged, but I'd be a lot happier with my own ring...but no boobie rings please!

Rebeclette, it is a hard situation isn't it. On one hand you don't want to insult his family and accept the ring, but on the other hand you're thinking "I want my own ring". Have you tried dropping hints to him about wanting your own ring or even using the diamonds in the ring to create one of your own? Maybe let him know that although it means so much to you to wear his great grandmothers ring, you want one that is new to signify your future together.
I wish for once men could be in our shoes and see what it's like to want to be married or even just engaged. I want THEM to have to deal with the questions like 'when are you getting engaged' and 'what's taking him so long to propose?'. I know everyone means well but HELLO, why not ask him, isn't he the one that's supposed to get down on one knee and do it??? It's especially bad when we're at family functions and I'm the only one, out of all my siblings and cousins, not to be married and I'm not even the youngest! I usually just laugh and chalk it up to my Sex and the City life (I live in NYC) but inside it hurts! The only consolation is that my entire extended family think I'm living a fabulous Carrie Bradshaw life!!! Hmmm, I do LOVE shoes though!