Momzilla madness

[aeroo]

I can''t believe how my mom can turn into a totally different person when it comes to this wedding stuff. My mom is normally a pretty relaxed, easygoing person, but when it comes to certain things regarding my wedding, I swear she turns into a different person! For example, I showed her the invitations I designed (but had not ordered yet), and she criticized everything and got angry when I told her I wasn''t going to change anything. She usually never criticizes anything! Then the next day we got into another argument because she wanted me to change the wedding site to accomodate some of her friends (who I don''t even know!). I don''t think she understands all the time I put into arranging everything and thinks it can just be changed in a minute! We finally got the above two issues sorted out without me having to change anything (except the back of the invitation, which was a small detail to me).

We hadn''t fought since I was in high school, which was a long time ago, but we''ve just been getting into arguments lately about the wedding. Since my mom normally is an easygoing person, I really did not expect this from her at all and was extremely SHOCKED. I am going to have a sit down chat with her about both our expectations of this wedding so we can be clear on certain things. The arguments we got into were derived from the fact that we each had different expectations about certain things, so I am hoping this chat will prevent further arguments (at least the big ones, lol). I am having a simple, destination wedding, so I can''t forsee any other conflicts at this point, but you never know!

I can now understand where all this wedding stress comes from! Mom''s are great and ARE really helpful in wedding planning, but sometimes they have these irrational requests, aarrgh! Has anyone else had a sit down chat with their mom about this and how did that affect the wedding planning?

 

[aprilcait]

Aeroo, I'm sorry you're going through this! I feel your pain. My mom is driving me up the wall, too. Here's my advice, based on my own experience:

- Try not to let things escalate into a fight; take direct action to avoid fighting. If your mom wants to change something wedding-related, try changing the subject or saying "I'll take that into consideration" and move along to the next non-wedding topic.
- Try not bringing up the wedding when talking to your mom since it's a point of hostility. Don't avoid the topic if she bring it up, but only lightly touch upon it and move on to another topic.
-Try to do most of the wedding planning yourself. The more you ask for her help, the more she will be involved and more apt she feel to share her opinions... frequently.
- Before you ask your mom for her opinion on something wedding-related, ask yourself whether you really want her opinion (remember, that leaves you open to positive or negative feedback) or whether you just want to show it to her. If you really want her advice and can take negative feedback, go for it! If you just want to show something to her and are really only aiming for positive feedback, ask yourself whether you could handle negative feedback. If not, show it to her another time when things are finalized.

Good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

I just do things and tell her afterward.

My mom STILL want us to have an evening wedding. Well, it ain''t happening. We''re going to book venue, then joyfully present it to her.

Invites and so forth, SO not asking her opinion. I''m trying VERY HARD to get them done super cheap, and she doesn''t get how every little bit adds up.

I didn''t ask her opinion on the dress.

Or shoes or head peice. Might on hairstyle. But most likely won''t.

Not asking her about the cake or the photographer or well, anything.

Certainly not on flowers.

And they just (and I about had a heart attack) offered to chip in a little toward the wedding. Still isn''t gonna affect the fact that it''s MY WEDDING and it''s going to be MY WAY. lol.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 1/11/2008 4:13:45 PM
Author: Gypsy
I just do things and tell her afterward.

My mom STILL want us to have an evening wedding. Well, it ain''t happening. We''re going to book venue, then joyfully present it to her.

Invites and so forth, SO not asking her opinion. I''m trying VERY HARD to get them done super cheap, and she doesn''t get how every little bit adds up.

I didn''t ask her opinion on the dress.

Or shoes or head peice. Might on hairstyle. But most likely won''t.

Not asking her about the cake or the photographer or well, anything.

Certainly not on flowers.

And they just (and I about had a heart attack) offered to chip in a little toward the wedding. Still isn''t gonna affect the fact that it''s MY WEDDING and it''s going to be MY WAY. lol.

You sick to your guns, girl!!! No backing down at the last minute because Mom isn''t happy!!
Mom had her wedding and this is yours and John''s!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Aeroo, I don''t know if this might help, but a book was recommended to me by one of the ladies on here called "Emotionally Engaged" which is about all the strange feelings and upsets that can come along with being engaged and getting married... feelings that people don''t usually talk about.

Anyway, one of the areas that the author addresses is EXACTLY the sort of thing you''re talking about... the Momzilla phenomenon. I think the example she gives is of her own mom becoming OBSESSED with whether the lasagna would be hot at a pre-wedding party. Something like that. Anyway, she discusses how these weird behaviours are sometimes manifestations of the deeper stuff everyone is going through, like getting used to the fact that your primary loyalties are now going to shift to a new family, fears about "losing" you, about being old enough to have a married daughter... all kinds of possibilities.

But the bottom line is, your mom''s sudden weird behaviour may not be about the invitations or the venue but about very natural and very difficult deeper things... transitions that she is going through and changes she is getting used to.

I highly recommend this book. It totally helped me, and, pre-emptively my family relations. I brought it up with my parents and said ''Let''s just be aware of this so we don''t get crazy, OK guys?''

Alternatively, you could do what I''m doing, and just have two parties, so that your mom can plan one and you plan the other. That way, she''s too busy to mess with you!