Money and Marriage? Unequal incomes?

[firebirdgold]

I just don''t know what the norm is or what''s going to happen when we get married. It''s causing me some anxiety, and I don''t know how to talk to him about it.
I have a lot of assets including a mortgage-free house, investments, and a family trust fund for things like education. (gone back to college part-time, yes I''m in my 30''s). But I don''t have much income. I have a fledgling business that is self sustaining and that''s about it. Otherwise I live off of my savings and I get a small amount of money from the family trust. I''ve been drawing more than usual on my savings to keep up with eating out or buying nice food to make for dinner and for vacations. Since I don''t have to pay for housing other than my rising tax and utilities bills, I spend a bit over $30k a year. Am I spending too much?

He has almost no assests, and the usual college loans. But he makes a good income and is overdue for a hefty raise. I also just figured out that due to my almost zero income, filing jointly would save him a bit of money.
We''re planning on having a joint account for daily living and seperate accounts for personal fun spending money. In fact we''re opening the account today to start paying for our future furniture purchases and other moving in expenses. Which means the conversation is getting urgent.

The big problem is that I don''t know how to talk to him about our finances. He thinks money is evil (basically), and doesn''t even care about his overdue raise. He just doesn''t want to know how much money I have let alone how much money my family has. (On the plus side my family is estatic that I''m not with a gold-digger and isn''t requiring a pre-nup). I was brought up to never talk about money if I can help it. (probably due to the gold-digger fears. other than my house there''s no sign since I mostly shop at target or j.jill sales). As a result, we can communicate about almost anything except money.

How do I tell him I don''t really have any income, let alone that some of my spending money comes from the family trust? I''ve considered not sharing that detail since he doesn''t want to know about my finances. But I''ve also not asked if I''ll still get that money when I''m married.

So I have no idea what''s going to happen when we get married! How does money get shared? Do we only share joint expenses like food and utilities? If someone buys a new pair of birkenstock or jeans, where does that money come from? How much money should I be putting in to the joint account every month?
Help!

 

[KimberlyH]

Indie,

This is a discussion that needs to be had immediately. First, you need to find out if you''ll still receive money from the trust once you''re married so you know what you are bringing to the marriage, then you need to have a frank discussion about how you''re going to work out who pays for. Everyone does so differently and you as a couple need to decide what works best for you, who should contribute what to the joint account, etc.

Hubby works for himself and so we have decided to keep business money seperate from our joint personal account, except for a set amount that we treat as income, to me the rest of the money doesn''t exist (I treat it as though he works for a large company). We live off of that set income and any other profit is invested back into the business. I am currently not working, but will be going back to work in the next few months part time (I am working on my master''s in education and will be substituting once I get my emergency credential). When I start working that income will go into our joint account. We have set a limit for fun spending, so that if we want to make a large purchase we have to agree on it, but small fun purchases don''t need to be discussed. We mostly use credit cards when we make purchases so that we can accumulate the points (hubby has an Exxon CC and I have one that accumulates Southwest points, we travel fairly frequently) and they get paid off at the end of the month. At first I was like your fiance, and didn''t want to know...but than realized that if something happened to hubby I would be up a creek...so I asked if he could explain it all to me and he agreed.

Hubby is responsible for paying bills, because he is math/business minded and I am not so much. I am aware of the status of our accounts, we talk about bills and income and what was spent, but he is in charge of the actual bill paying (there are several business accounts and he has a system that I don''t quite understand at this point but am working towards learning so if there is an emergency I can take care of things).

My mom doesn''t work and she is in charge of paying the bills in their house, but my dad balances the accounts, so they have a check and balance system.

My sister couldn''t tell you the first thing about her family''s finances (she''s a stay at home mom), she doesn''t care to know. Her husband lets her know that they each have X amount of $ to spend each week and that''s what she spends. (A funny aside: NOW called my sister and asked for a donation, she responded "Sure, but I''ll have to ask my husband how much we can give.")

Different things work for different people, so figure out what works for you two, but figure something out so you don''t end up in a financial mess. Tell him you want to make sure you''re on the same page and so that in case of an emergency you are both capable of taking care of business. Marriage is in some ways a business arrangement and an open dialogue is so important to maintaining a good working relationship and household with your hubby.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Indie,
I agree with you that it''s time to get some answers asap! Know that EVERY COUPLE has a different way of handling money. There''s no "right" or "wrong" answer ... it''s OFTEN one of the first examples of couples negotiation & compromise & getting on the same page. Even if you start out very far apart in your expectations etc ... you can work together to come to a way that works for both of you.

TO DO LIST

a) find out how your trust is affected by gettin'' hitched (will you even have that income to worry about?)

b) figure out how your $$ situation has worked out for at least the last year ... how much in, how much out ... what % biz income, what % "trust" money, what % savings.

c) show those #s to your fiance.

No matter how "distasteful" he or your family think discussions of $$$ are ... it HAS TO BE DONE *within* a family. And he''s gonna BE your family. He deserves to know what he''s getting into with your job situation & you deserve to know if he''s holding different expectations etc a.s.a.p.

Whether you hold sep. accouts, joint accounts, both contribute to a "household account" ... all of that is up to what works for both of you. But you can''t decide without DISCUSSING it.

Money isn''t dirty or evil or whatever. That''s giving it too much power. It is a fact of life though ... and avoiding talking about it will surely lead to havoc down the line!

GET GOIN'' LADY!!

 

[Kismet]

The norm is whatever works for you two as a couple. You do, however, definitely need to talk about how your household finances will be set up. Money may be evil, but there''s no escaping the fact that it''s pretty damn near necessary these days and that putting your head in the sand and trying to ignore it won''t help at all.

My husband and I put both our salaries in the joint account and we both have access to it via the check book and ATM cards. We use the joint account for everything but neither of us would make a huge (over $1000) purchase without checking with the other first. I pay all the bills mainly because a) I''m an accountant and b) my husband (in his single days) had his phone disconnected more than once because he couldn''t be bothered to open his mail much less pay the bill.

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 9/18/2006 2:18:16 PM
Author: Kismet
The norm is whatever works for you two as a couple. You do, however, definitely need to talk about how your household finances will be set up. Money may be evil, but there''s no escaping the fact that it''s pretty damn near necessary these days and that putting your head in the sand and trying to ignore it won''t help at all.

My husband and I put both our salaries in the joint account and we both have access to it via the check book and ATM cards. We use the joint account for everything but neither of us would make a huge (over $1000) purchase without checking with the other first. I pay all the bills mainly because a) I''m an accountant and b) my husband (in his single days) had his phone disconnected more than once because he couldn''t be bothered to open his mail much less pay the bill.

This is a lot how we do it. We''ve each had turns at having the higher income over the years as one or the other of us has been in school. Everything we have, is shared and we both have access to it and information about it. But I pay the bills b/c I am more detail oriented that way. Neither of us would probably spend more than $100 or $200 without mentioning it to the other. We agree on big purchases and savings goals. it works for us. For a while we kept detailed track of ea purchase but it became too cumbersome, but a software like quicken can help if you want to do this. it is important to get your system ironed out before you get married!

 

[budgetbride]

I totally understand the discomfort about a conversation like that. I would definitely follow the previous advices( no sense retyping since it''d be the same thing). Rather than say you''d put in 50-50% put in percentages of your income into joint accounts and etc. for example, if you decide that 30% of all income is good for the joint then go with that...note that you will not be putting in the same monetary amount just equal monetary percentages. it makes it easier so one person doesn''t feel put out.

(no pun intended) just my 2cents

 

[firebirdgold]

That''s a great suggestion BudgetBride!
Sounds like I have my marching order, thanks everyone! I feel so much better!

I did call and ask the trust and the translation was basically "what have you been smoking? Why would getting married impact anything?" We''ve had slightly more progress today towards talking about finances due to opening an account together.
I think perhaps I tend to underestimate him since he''s so quiet... and it''s freaky how well he''s pegged me. (he can tell when I''m even just thinking about saying something!). He told me that there was no way I was going to be in charge of the bills, he''ll handle all of that. Considering I''m more on the unopened mail scale of things, it''s probably a good idea. I just thought I''d be the one having to do it.

Basically he seems to be on top of things. It''s just so weird not being in charge of stuff like this. Even though he''s better at day to day financial stuff, it''s still a very odd feeling to trust someone else enough hand over control. I think that''s the hardest part about preparing to be married.

I think maybe we''re inching closer to having a good conversation about money, though it may end up being more of a cumulative conversation.

 

[ladykemma]

all "take home" money goes into the joint account. bills are paid. we can spend 1000 without consulting the other.

he pays the bills usually and balances the checkbook. I pay the bills when he is off shore.

he outearns me by three times. after a while it is "our" money, not yours and mine.

Live debt free!

right now we are in a spending moratorium while account balances build back up, after new roof and a bunch of other expenses.

 

[TBeck2000]

I don't know if you have heard of Dave Ramsey, but he has very sensible advice when considering money and relationships. Link

-Tim

 

[WTNLVR]

All of the above is great advice and it seems like you are taking it to heart. Make sure you go over the finances with him monthly though. That way, you know what''s being done and can pick up if god forbid something happens. When my uncle died, it was hell trying to figure out what the bills, etc.. were because my aunt was never involved. You are a team and need to be on the same track. Now mind you, I pay all the bills and hubby has a totally hands free mindset. Stupid really, but I can''t get him to sit down and go over things with me. I shudder to think what would happen if I was no longer around to take care of everything. I''ve also heard of couples finding out after there partner leaves them, that they were stashing money away for years in seperate accounts, or spending it on things for their girlfriend on the side. I''m asuming he will have no access to your trust and you want to make sure your assets are protected. I''d recc. a prenup but if the trust covers you, then fine.

 

[KimberlyH]

Indie,

I can relate to what you mean about not wanting to lose control. That was really hard for me to swallow because I am a bit scatterbrained but used to being in charge and have always paid my own bills etc. But when hubby and I discussed our finances there are just so many intricacies that go along with what he does (having his own business that is not yet an LLC and how that money feeds into our personal accounts) that it just made sense. He makes a point of talking to me every time he pays the bills so that I am aware of where we stand and what''s going on and that makes me feel so much better about it. I''m sure your guy would be willing to do the same if that would help you feel more in the loop.

Hope the talk goes well!