More Friend Advice....

[~*Alexis*~]

OK so since everyone else is helping their friends out I thought I should too.

My friend has been dating this guy for a long while and right now they are long distance.

She lost her job in June (corportate downsizing) and has not had a job since. She has been living off her savings for now.
Her bf asked her to move in with him. They have a great relationship and neither worrys about the other.

THe probelm lies with her parents. The move would put her living 1,200 miles away and everytime she mentions that she wants to move (which she does) her parents give her this huge guilt trip about how it is so far away and whatnot. I feel bad. She asked my advice and I told her to do what her heart tells her to do but her parents are not helping the situation.

She would live with him in his house and help out with the bills when she gets a better job out there and that seems to work for him.

But her parents and her family dont want her to go. He has offered to help move her and help with the $$ of moving so should she do it? How would she break it to her parents? I know her parents and I am sure her mom would start crying and lay it on thick.

advice? Seems I am clear out of it for her. You guys are so nice about advice and I am sure I am missing something....

 

[TravelingGal]

Where would she moving from and to?

 

[~*Alexis*~]

chicago to DC

 

[decodelighted]

How old is she?
How long has she been dating the guy?
What % of their relationship was long distance vs. in-person?

IMHO, folks who are over 21 should cut-the-freakin-apron-strings already & start living their OWN lives! Making their OWN mistakes. Moms having manipulative crying fits?

Unless their spawn is headed off to The Bunny Ranch or WAR ... tear-up in private, wish 'em luck & wave & keep your cell phone on!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Tough topic. I assume that she is with this guy (especially long distance) because she sees a definite future with him? If that is the case, what would stop her from relocating once she married him or was engaged to him or if they wanted to try living together before getting engaged? If she explained to her parents that this was a step she needed to take in order to make sure this was the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with, could that help them understand more why she wants to take this big step?

Is she an only child? I ask because I am an only and my parents had a hell of a time letting go at pretty much every stage. Do her parents have legitimate reasons why they oppose such a move? Is she young or had problems with her relation ship that would send up red flags for a parent? If he was local, do you think her parents would still object to her moving in with him? If she was to line up some job interviews out in DC and go stay with her SO for a week or two so she could be proactive about getting a new position out there, do you think her parents would relax a bit knowing she will have a way to support herself just in case?

 

[~*Alexis*~]

They see eachother every month and they have been together for over a year. They were friends for a long time before that dated. She''s a year older than me--23. She''s the middle child, her brother got married this last year and she is the only girl. So I know things are hard. her and her mom are close. which is why she feels the guilt.

She just started applying to jobs out there to see what the response would be for her. She works in markerting/advertising. So she is still waiting to hear back from some of the inquiries she sent out there.

 

[musey]

She needs to make this decision for herself. Not her parents, or her boyfriend, or anyone else--this needs to be about what''s best for her life. If it were me, I WOULD NOT move in with a boyfriend I''d seen 6 times since getting together (every other month for a year?)... but again, that''s just me.

The idea of moving to DC to be with her boyfriend should be an entirely separate issue from her current employment state. She shouldn''t move in with him just so she''ll have somewhere to live and someone to pay the bills. JMHO.

She''s unemployed, so yeah, it''s a convenient time to move. What about moving to DC (or nearby) and getting her own place? Maybe a monthly rental so that she has the freedom to move in with the boyfriend when the time is right?

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Hmmm. Well I can understand your friend’s situation. A year ago, I was living in my hometown. I lived there from the time I was 6 years old. I owned my own house and was very comfortable there. Then my boyfriend got into law school 500 miles away. So… It was decision time. I always knew my hometown was too small for me and never pictured staying there forever. It was the right time for me to leave. Even though my boyfriend and I felt confident with our move, it was a hard to bring up to my family. I started months ahead of time, not knowing if I was going to move or not, just letting them know it was an option. (I wanted to do this because my parents had just gotten divorced after a 30 year marriage; I knew that having their last child moving away at such a difficult and emotional time would be hard on them) They were understandable at first but as the move became official, it started becoming harder on them (my mother especially). It was hard on me as well; I didn’t want to hurt them after they were already upset by the circumstances of their divorce. But, I knew that I had to go. I sat down with my mother and we had a long talk. I told her that she raised me to be independent, strong woman and I was grateful for that. Her and my fathers parenting lead me to this point where I was ready to go at the world on my own. During our talk, she said she was completely supportive of my relationship and as it turns out, my move away from home but she was just sad for her own personal reasons. That wasn’t going to change. In the end, moving turned out to be the best thing for everyone; it worked out just fine. There is nothing like jumping without a net, and I couldn’t do that in my hometown. I would tell your friend to follow her heart, just as you said. If this is right for her and her relationship is ready for this step then what her parents say doesn''t matter. She will have to deal with her family’s feelings and they may not want to see her go, but in the end it is her life. And she has to do what is best for her and her future. She can’t let her parents choose her path. She needs to sit down and talk to her parents about the move. Not if she is going to move, but the fact that she is going to move. She needs to express that she will miss them, but this is what is right for her. If they trust the way that they raised their daughter… they will understand, even if it is difficult for them personally. If this is what she truly wants, then she has to go for it.

Wow, that was longer then I intended! Sorry for the long post!

 

[bee*]

I think that she should move and see how she gets on in the new place. She''s old enough to make her own decisions. I think cutting the apron strings the first time is the hardest.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 10/3/2007 2:04:28 PM
Author: decodelighted
How old is she?
How long has she been dating the guy?
What % of their relationship was long distance vs. in-person?

IMHO, folks who are over 21 should cut-the-freakin-apron-strings already & start living their OWN lives! Making their OWN mistakes. Moms having manipulative crying fits?

Unless their spawn is headed off to The Bunny Ranch or WAR ... tear-up in private, wish ''em luck & wave & keep your cell phone on!

I agree with this 100%. I had a lot of friends in LA of a particular ethnicity whose parents were like this. I felt sorry for the kids growing up with parents who guilted them about about living their own lives.

 

[Moonla7]

I totally understand your friend''s situation. I come from an EXTREMELY conservative catholic family. I just moved in with my boyfriend and my parents and brother have done everything from threatening to not support our marriage, to telling me I am immoral and they are ashamed, to making up lies about my BF. I was terrified to tell my parents b/c I knew they would react like this. It was so hard to hurt them and let them down. It has changed my relationship with them completely and I dont know if it will ever be the same. It''s just sad that they would go to these lengths rather than just letting go and accepting me for who I am and my not-as-conservative beliefs. Maybe I am a dreamer, but I just think LOVE should be UNCONDITIONAL. Sorry to not sugar coat it, you might want to with her, but I suspect deep down she knows how it will go down....hence her hesitation.

But tell your friend that no matter what the consequences end up being (HOPEFULLY THERE ARE NONE!), there is nothing more important in life than being true to herself. This is HER life and she has to do what is right for HER and what makes HER happy. If she keeps making decisions for them, where will it end? Where will that line in the sand be drawn? She will just end up resenting them for controlling her if she makes a decision to apease them. Even if the move ends up being a mistake, well, then its HER mistake, and their are wonderful lessons and confidence to be gained from that. At least she will never wonder "what if"

It is really emotional and hard when you first tell them, and lots of tears will be shed. It is truly like ripping off a bandaid, you just gotta do it and get it over with! But she will be surprised by her own strength and the WONDERFUL support she will get from friends and her BF. It will get easier everyday. In the long run, she cannot lose by following her own heart. She will feel SO good about herself once she does.

GOOD LUCK! WISH HER ALL THE BEST!!!

ps-I used to live in DC and now i live in Chicago....it''s not like she is moving to Australia! Do you know how cheap the flights are b/w cities?!? She will be able to visit her parents all the time and vice/versa. I hope she loves DC as much as I did!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 10/3/2007 2:04:28 PM
Author: decodelighted


IMHO, folks who are over 21 should cut-the-freakin-apron-strings already & start living their OWN lives! Making their OWN mistakes. Moms having manipulative crying fits?

Unless their spawn is headed off to The Bunny Ranch or WAR ... tear-up in private, wish 'em luck & wave & keep your cell phone on!

AMEN! I still know people living with mommy and daddy. Heck, one guy, engaged once, was going to move straight from his parents into the arms of his new mommy, sorry I mean wife. That didn't work out. He's now engaged again, same thing is about to occur. I do NOT understand that at all. I would NEVER marry a guy straight from his parents. He would have to be at least just as independent if not more so than I am.

Guy #2 did the same exact thing, stayed with his parents until moving in with a girlfriend.

I knew another guy who's mom bought a new bigger house just so he'd have his own private area and wouldn't move away from her. What is wrong with these people?!?!

(notice the trend, they are all guys)

I swear, wait until I become a parent. If you aren't in school, in a crisis, or somehow mentally or physically deficient, you are getting kicked out of my house by the age of 20 (and I'm being nice with those extra two years).

ETA: Sorry, got sidetracked. I agree with everyone else who says you friend needs to make this decision for herself. I spent a good 15 years trying to please my mom and I was miserable the entire time. When I finally got over it, I was suddenly very very happy and much more successful in life. She is living for herself, not her mom. She can always visit.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 10/3/2007 2:55:03 PM
Author: musey
She needs to make this decision for herself. Not her parents, or her boyfriend, or anyone else--this needs to be about what''s best for her life. If it were me, I WOULD NOT move in with a boyfriend I''d seen 6 times since getting together (every other month for a year?)... but again, that''s just me.

The idea of moving to DC to be with her boyfriend should be an entirely separate issue from her current employment state. She shouldn''t move in with him just so she''ll have somewhere to live and someone to pay the bills. JMHO.

She''s unemployed, so yeah, it''s a convenient time to move. What about moving to DC (or nearby) and getting her own place? Maybe a monthly rental so that she has the freedom to move in with the boyfriend when the time is right?

I agree with this.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 10/3/2007 1:41:13 PM
Author:~*Alexis*~
OK so since everyone else is helping their friends out I thought I should too.

My friend has been dating this guy for a long while and right now they are long distance.

She lost her job in June (corportate downsizing) and has not had a job since. She has been living off her savings for now.
Her bf asked her to move in with him. They have a great relationship and neither worrys about the other.

THe probelm lies with her parents. The move would put her living 1,200 miles away and everytime she mentions that she wants to move (which she does) her parents give her this huge guilt trip about how it is so far away and whatnot. I feel bad. She asked my advice and I told her to do what her heart tells her to do but her parents are not helping the situation.

She would live with him in his house and help out with the bills when she gets a better job out there and that seems to work for him.

But her parents and her family dont want her to go. He has offered to help move her and help with the $$ of moving so should she do it? How would she break it to her parents? I know her parents and I am sure her mom would start crying and lay it on thick.

advice? Seems I am clear out of it for her. You guys are so nice about advice and I am sure I am missing something....

its been like 2 years and they were friends before they dated...

but in a different situation I would agree...

thanks for the input....I will talk to her about it...

 

[musey]

Author: musey

She needs to make this decision for herself. Not her parents, or her boyfriend, or anyone else--this needs to be about what's best for her life. If it were me, I WOULD NOT move in with a boyfriend I'd seen 6 times since getting together (every other month for a year?)... but again, that's just me.

Reason being: moving in with someone is hard enough when you've spent your relationship thus far in the same city.

When deciding to move in together, there's a big difference between CASE A: been together over a year, seeing each other multiple times per week, primary interaction in person, -and- CASE B: been together over a year, seeing each other every 60 days or so, primary interaction over phone or email.

I dunno. It took me 2.5 years to be confident moving in with my then-bf, and we spent 85% of our time together (we were college students at the time). So it's hard to imagine having that confidence earlier and with less face time on a consistent basis. But, then again, our only motivation for moving in together was to further advance our relationship. Your friend has some outside factors motivating her, so the circumstances are very different.

Date: 10/3/2007 7:52:59 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~

its been like 2 years and they were friends before they dated...

but in a different situation I would agree...

thanks for the input....I will talk to her about it...

Oh, all we had to go off was "over a year" and seeing each other "every other month."

Is she asking your advice here? Or are you just offering it? Honestly, there's no one (especially not strangers on a forum) who can say what's best here. All we can really say is what we would do, or how we would advise our own friends.

She just needs to do some soul-searching and figure out what it is she wants for herself--no one can tell her what that is besides her own head.


Nothing earth-shattering will result from her moving in with him. I've seen two friends do that, in very similar circumstances. Both of their relationships didn't work out after moving in, but they were (individually) just fine. One ended up staying in the new city, the other moved back "home." The worst-case-scenario here really isn't all that grim, so she should just do what makes her happy.


Okay, that post was inexcusably long!

 

[baby monster]

Men come and go, especially at 23, but family is forever. Your friend better be extra sure about this guy before going against her family.

 

[diamondfan]

No one has a guarantee of outcomes in life, but she needs to do what she thinks is right. It may work, and it may not, but she cannot stay for her parents or go for her boyfriend. It must be her own choice. We have one life, not a dress rehearsal beforehand, so I think she might resent someone if she does not do what is best for her.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 10/3/2007 10:43:18 PM
Author: baby monster
Men come and go, especially at 23, but family is forever. Your friend better be extra sure about this guy before going against her family.

You''re right, family is forever, so they will be there even if she decides to move.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Well an update....

I talked to her and she has decided to move. We talked and even though her family will miss her she will live. She said her relationship can''t grow much more from 1200 miles away even though they are extremely close. I think things will be fine...

I guess she told her family and they didn''t react as badly as she thought they would so thats always a plus, but she got told she had to come back for xmas....

So her D day is November 3. Thats the day she packs up and drives off into the sunset with her bf...

SHe couldn''t have gotten her ring if she didnt...

 

[mirre]

So did he propose?

Or do you know something she doesn''t?

 

[Pandora II]

When I was 24, I moved to Italy to work - and stayed 8 years.

My parents were totally cool with it, but my grandmother took me to one side and said I wasn't thinking of them or her and it was so wrong of me to do this. And how she would never forgive my mother for moving abroad for 4 years after she and my father were married.

(My mother and I are both the eldest of 4 children, both 3 girls and 1 boy)

I was absolutely shocked and gave her a rather big piece of my mind - it didn't help that I've only seen my grandmother maybe 40 times in my life (so why she was so upset I don't know - except as a 'control' issue). We don't live near her and none of us actually like her...

I just told her, that my life was my life and I would do what I wished with it. Children were supposed to grow up and become independent. If she didn't feel fulfilled and happy with her life unless we were all sitting there round her feet that was her problem not mine and she should grow up, stop living through us and get her own life!

Her only response was that I'm far too opinionated for my own good!

Without a doubt you friend should move to be with her bf - even more so if her mother is acting like she is. Parents and FMIL's need to be set boundaries very early on, or problems just get worse.

Yes, her mother will cry, guilt trip her and have hysterics - but guess what, it's not terminal. She will recover, she will calm down and she will retain contact with her daughter - she might even have a 'better' relationship with her daughter.

Your friend needs to be very tough and refuse to be emotionally blackmailed in this way.


ETA:
I think the moving in together thing is different for different people. I moved in with FI after 3 months having seen each other every other weekend up till then. I just knew it was the right thing to do. My parents were over the moon about it, and they're pretty conservative.

I'd lived with a couple of ex's - not as a trial, I had no interest in marrying any of them - but because it was convenient and saved money at university and in first low-paid jobs. It's very normal here in the UK (I don't know anyone who doesn't live with their SO).

 

[~*Alexis*~]

thanks for the replies....I told her to move too...and she is going to...

DO I know something that she doesn''t...a little...I know a proposal is all but imminent. They will be engaged by the end of next year. That I do know. He neve felt right about proposing unless she was closer to him and I see the point.

The best news of all is that I get to help pick out the ring.... HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 10/9/2007 6:24:57 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
thanks for the replies....I told her to move too...and she is going to...

DO I know something that she doesn''t...a little...I know a proposal is all but imminent. They will be engaged by the end of next year. That I do know. He neve felt right about proposing unless she was closer to him and I see the point.

The best news of all is that I get to help pick out the ring.... HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yay! Do we all get to help too?

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Hi Alexis,

The way I see it, there are two issues going on. The first has been extensively and wonderfully addressed by the posters ahead of me; namely, if your friend is over a certain age, parents should not get "veto" power over her life.

The second issue requires a bit more contemplation: what does she want relationship-wise in the future with this boyfriend, and is moving in with him a wise decision?

Though obviously the following is a statement with many exceptions, I have heard SOOO many girls who live with their boyfriends and are dying to get engaged, but the boyfriend drags his feet once she''s already living there. (This is obviously not true for all relationships, just enough to consider it. It''s like a lot of guys get all the benefits of being married without any of the scary issues.) Personally, I think there''s a lot to be said for not living with someone until there''s a ring on your finger; the power situation is very different if you''re a LIW who''s dying inside if changing the status quo would disrupt every aspect of your life right down to your utility bill. When you add in "new city" and "might not know many people" and "no job", the situation makes her very needy/dependent on him, and that''s rarely a good place for a woman to be.

If she were my friend, I''d suggest to pack a couple of giant suitcases, fly out and stay with him, and do the job search there. Limiting herself to that which she can pack in a suitcase sets the tone that this is a temporary arrangement. Once she finds a job, she could (should?) get her own apartment nearby, fly to IL, retrieve her stuff, and settle in. That way, she can get the best of both worlds-- take time to develop the relationship under normal circumstances (seeing him most evenings), live in the same city, and have the independence to allow both parties to make decisions without desperation clouding the picture.