Mother/Daughter Issues: Reconciling The Relationship You Have with the Relationship You Want

[Fleur]

Ok so I admit upfront, this is a bit of rant/vent/pity party post.

My mom is difficult. She''s very demanding, controlling, racist, judgmental, etc etc. All of my friends are always asking for "mom" stories because they''re so unbelievable. Sample: several years ago she visited me over the holidays and I took her to a friend''s family for Christmas Eve. I warned them about her so they were prepared. I wore a funny holiday necklace that lit up and my friend''s mom admired it all night. Finally, in front everyone, my mom says, "Fleur, you''ve had that necklace long enough. Now take it off and give it to Ruth." Stunned silence follows, as I say "ladies and gentlemen, my mother!" and everyone cracks up. BTW: I was in my mid 30s when that occurred.

My mom has always said horrible things to me and about me to others like "she sure picks some losers" in reference to old boyfriends and an ex husband. True, but do you need to say it all the time?!!??

Fast forward to the present. In fairness to my mom, she''s 82 and in very poor health and I guess it''s hard to be nice and kind and loving when you don''t feel well all the time. But on the other hand, she wasn''t very nice and kind and loving when she was younger and was in better health. She lives in a retirement community in Baltimore and we''re getting married where we live in NC. She can''t travel anymore due to health issues and while I made it clear she was invited and welcome to attend our (very small) wedding she said "what the hell do I want to go to that for? I can''t travel that far." All our guests are friends, no family on either side.

I''ve been with FI for 7 years and have known him since HS. She says she likes him and has always been complimentary of the way he treats me. BUT she shows a complete lack of interest and enthusiasm for my wedding. She never brings it up. It''s to the point where I was telling her some detail about the wedding and she actually interrupted me to complain about what they served for dinner the night before. sigh.

My wedding is one week from today and she hasn''t sent a card, asked if there''s something special we need, etc. My mom''s on a fixed income so it''s not like I expect her to drop a huge gift in my lap even though my father left her very comfortable. About a month ago she told me she was going to offer my cousin $5K to help her with her divorce. (She married an idiot who''s sleeping with his COUSIN (yuck!) who''s 20+ years younger after 20+ years of marriage to my cousin and 5 kids.)

My FI and my close friends tell me she may be starting to have dementia or maybe she''s having some mini-strokes as a way to explain her behavior. I guess this situation brings up all those years of wishing for a relationship with my mom that was close and loving and respectful. I admit to being envious of friends who have that kind of relationship with their mothers.

Am I being a china doll whose feeling are easily hurt? I can''t help but feel sad and hurt that my mom hasn''t even sent us a card to wish us well on our wedding.

BTW I''m in my 40s so it''s not like I haven''t experienced this my whole life. Maybe because of my age, I feel like I should suck it up and stop feeling sad about something that''s never going to change.

Feel free to tell me to snap out of it and stop being a baby.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I''m not gonna tell you to snap out of it but I do know how you feel (to a certain extent). My grandma went through these same phases. I used to get a birthday card and 10$ in it each year. Then she started sending cards on the wrong date....then I didn''t get cards at all....then she didn''t even know I was her grand daughter. It can be tough to handle but it is a part of growing older (for many, not all) and it is painful

I don''t know if you have kids or are planning to kids but the best thing I can say is if you do- treat them the way you wish your mom would have treated you... I hope you have a beautiful wedding regardless of who is able to attend...

 

[mrscushion]

I don''t think you''re a china doll at all. I think you are entirely justified in feeling upset about your relationship with your mother.

I can''t give you any good advice, I can only say that I''m very sorry. Your mother is 82 years old and she is not going to change. It is very possible that she is starting to suffer from dementia, but she doesn''t sound like she was ever the kind, outwardly loving mother you would have wanted. Some mothers are just like that -- many mother-daughter relationships are like that, or similar, including my own mom''s relationship with her mother.

Honestly, I''m not sure there''s really a way to reconcile the relationship you have with the one you want or would have wanted all your life. You''ll probably always feel pangs of regret. The important thing is that you are getting the love you need from your husband (to be) and your friends.

 

[HollyS]

Okay. Snap out of it and stop being a baby.

She's 82. Her world is small and all about her. For some reason, there are more people who get that way than there are those who stay active, lucid, and interested in the world around them in their twilight years. My husband's mother is a carbon copy of your mom. When I have to visit her, I suck it up.

My own mother was . . . difficult; always had been. And now she's gone. There isn't a day I don't miss her - - personality quirks and all.

Take what you have and make the best of it.

 

[decodelighted]

I feel your pain. That''s hard to deal with for sure. I''m not sure what you can do but comfort *yourself* about this. Your mom isn''t going to change. Maybe this might help a little: some people are better with "crisis" and being there for people when *bad* things happen than they are re: HAPPY events, or when GOOD things happen to people. Its in their makeup. They adore being needed & being helpful and feeling like a hero & can more easily relate to negative feelings than they can to positive ones. Positive ones make them feel uncomfortable & remind them of the miseries of their own life & the comparison leave them feeling small. Where being around people with *bigger* problems than they have, makes them feel better.

Does this sound like your mom? If it does ... I really don''t think her reactions have anything to do with how much she LOVES you vs. LOVES your cousin. She is just more comfortable with one scenario than the other ... feels more inclined to be involved in one rather than the other -- because of HER OWN PARTICULAR MAKEUP & TEMPERMENT.

**sigh**

 

[Ara Ann]

Sorry you are going through this... I can speak from experience of dealing with persnickety relatives (several very difficult aunts) and a large variety of difficult older people my whole life.


My feeling from what you said about your mom and specifically about not being interested in the details of your wedding, is that perhaps since she knows she can''t go, maybe it is painful for her to hear about the details? I know you said she doesn''t seem the type to ''care'', but often the ones with the harder exterior have the softest hearts and don''t let it show...perhaps she was hurt as a child and learned to be hard on the outside to protect herself. Could be that she wants/wanted a close relationship, but couldn''t bring herself to be open with others in order to have a close relationship.

Just try to continue to love your mom, for who she is...I know it is challenging! And I hope you have a beautiful wedding...