Mother frustration! Vent!

[Sabine]

My bridesmaids asked me to get a general guest list together for my shower, just so they could make sure the places they might start looking at could hold enough people. My parents are divorced, and I am definitely much closer to the women on my dad''s side of the family than my mom''s, so I know who will be invited from them. However, my dad''s side of the family was NOT nice to my mom after the divorce, and I know she is nervous about having to be in the same room as them, so I called her to ask her who she would like to have from her side at the shower. I said, obviously your two sisters, and my one cousin, but I would really like to know who YOU want at the shower, like who you would like to sit with and talk to. She brought up some possible relatives and some of her friends, and I said it didn''t matter, as long as SHE wanted them there.

Today I get an email from her saying "I think you need to invite EVERY WOMAN invited to the wedding to the shower. It will be rude not to."

Now, my mom has strange ideas about wedding et. She basically told me that I had to invite all of her distant and out of town relatives (almost all of whom I have never met) NEED to be invited with ALL of their children. This included kids in high school and college (definitely who I never met) who I could NOT imagine wanting to come to our wedding. She threw such a fit that she basically said, if you don''t invite these people, I won''t come. And my mom is NOT contributing significantly financially to the wedding. I gave in, but it really annoyed me to be forced to invite people I don''t really want.

Now, I really want the shower to be more intimate and just the people that I know and love. I was willing to give my mom a few people I don''t know in order for her to feel more comfortable with my dad''s side of the family being there, but there is NO WAY I am inviting every single woman to the shower! ARGH!!!

 

[CJ2008]

Sabine, I'm sorry you're going through this additional pressure...I thought it was a very nice gesture to ask your mom who she wanted there...in my opinion she should not be dictating or trying to dictate to the extent that she is (no offense to your mom of course), #1 because you're a grown woman, and #2 because she's not "significantly" contributing to the wedding. I'll be even more honest with you, if I may...I think your first mistake was agreeing to invite all those distant relatives you didn't really want to invite. I hope I have not overstepped my boundaries by saying that...

 

[surfgirl]

Sabine, dear, you broke the cardinal rule of a hassle free wedding...You asked for someone else's advice. Bad idea. No good can come of this advice asking so stop doing it pronto! If I was you, I'd tell my mother that while you appreciate her ideas on weddings, you'll be making your own decisions from here on out and you hope she will respect that this is YOUR wedding and you're doing it by YOUR rules. Then, I'd take a big fat red Sharpie, and cross off all those inane relatives that you dont even know off your wedding invite list (assuming you haven't sent out invites yet!). And then invite whomever YOU want from your mother's side of the family. No need to invite them all to your wedding just because they're at your shower. Pish tosh!

ETA: You tried to include your mother to make her feel more comfortable and she's making a nuisance of herself by imposing her ideas onto your wedding. At this point, I'd look at it like this - she's a grown woman and if she cant suck it up enough to act like a lady at your wedding and shower with relatives she might not like, then maybe it's best if she doesnt go at all. Seriously.

 

[robbie3982]

Suggestion from the MOH: What if I talk to her and tell her that based on what the other girls and I are able to contribute and the type of shower you want, we can only have X number of people which leaves her with Y number of people to add to the guest list? Do you think this would work or do you think that she might just offer to throw in money so that shes could have everyone there?

 

[Sabine]

Claudinam: Thanks...you did NOT overstep your bounds, and I totally agree that it was a mistake to give her a say in who was invited.

Surfgirl: You''re right too, I know I should not listen to her and just do what I want. I''m having a hard time doing that though. My brother got married 2 years ago, and so few people from my mom''s side actually came to the wedding that she had to be seated with the bride''s parents on the opposite side of the room from my dad and his family. Not only did this make it awkward for my brother, his wife, and me, but we still haven''t heard the end of it from my mom. I was willing to give in on the wedding guest list to make her happy to help save my sanity for the next 5 years by basically shutting her up about it, and I think if her family members are there, it will take A LOT of the stress off of me on the actual wedding day. However, I am NOT willing to compromise for the shower. I want to enjoy my shower, and I can''t just say a polite hello to these people at the more intimate shower.

Robbie: Yup, I do think my mom would offer to pitch in to accomodate a bigger guest list if she has the money. If she doesn''t, she will probably ask that you change the shower to somewhere less expensive so that they could come.

I think I''m just going to keep being honest with her. She told me up front that she didn''t want to be the type of mother who caused trouble in wedding planning, so I think telling her that that is exactly what she is doing will at least make her stop, even if she is still angry at me.