Mother related wedding vent

[princessplease]

FI and I bumped our date up two months, so we''re really cracking down on venues so we can book and have that taken care of. When we got engaged, my mom was kind of happy but not very supportive I guess. FI''s family has been awesome, and his parents are helping us with half of the reception cost. My dad and stepmom are most likely going to cover the rest of the reception. FI and I are paying for pics, flowers, honeymoon, and DJ. Anyway, I nicknamed my mom "Negative Nancy" after our engagement because from day one, she has been so negative about everything. She got pissed off at me because I wasn''t including her in planning stuff (at that time, I went to one venue) so I invited her to look at dresses with me, MOH (my stepmom) and my sister one day. She did, and was negative the entire time, pointing out what''s wrong with each dress, what''s messed up, what looks bad, etc. She critiqued my e-session album with "Your shirt pattern is too big", "Why is he wearing sunglasses in some pics", "Why don''t you two coordinate with colors?" and even "Why is your thigh so big?" in one of them.

Once I finished school and delved into everything, I invited mom to venues, dress shops, shoe stores, etc, and she did not come anywhere. I found my dress, and bought it, and she didn''t even want to come and see how it looked on. When I asked her if she wanted to come, she replied "Well, if I don''t like it, you''re gonna get the dress anyway, so why even come?" She did not put a dime into the dress, and when I asked her if she was going to pay for some of it, she made this laundry list of crazy things she has to pay for. My MOH (who is also my step mom) paid for my dress, and she''s been out of work since September. I was completely blown away that she loves me so much that she paid for my dress. Every time mom and I talk about the wedding, she comes out with "Where am I getting money at?", and then b*tches at me for a while about the finances of this wedding. Yesterday, after FI and I visited a venue with my MOH, I called my mom, so excited about the place. FI and I know it''s the place, and that''s where we''re going to have the wedding. The first thing she said was "Well, I hope you didn''t tell them you like it because they''ll overcharge you because they know you like it" I then told her the price (roughly $10K) and she proceeded to freak out on me, telling me better ways the money could be spent. She said $10K for a wedding is "ridiculous" and b*tched about that for like 5 minutes before I got so upset, I hung up on her. Everything with this wedding has been negative from her, and I have talked to her about her behavior, to which she replies "I''m not negative, I''m just realistic".

I guess what this post boils down to is this is my own mother (I''m the only daughter) and she is crushing me. My stepmother is being more like my mother in this wedding. It''s not like I just blew my mom off and kept her out of things; I want her to be included, she''s my mother. She''s always been ''proud'' of me, but she seems like she hates and resents this entire wedding. I know she''s not acting like this because she feels like she''s "losing her little girl" or anything like that. That''s not her driving force in any of this. She never expressed not liking FI, so I know that''s not it either, but I feel so lost. because this is my mom. I always thought she''d be happy and excited and be beyond willing to help me out. I hate to seem like I''m placing a value on people''s wallets, but it''s beyond the money. I know we''ll have it all figured out with dad and FI''s parents help. But the fact that every single aspect of this wedding is being turned into something negative by her is so upsetting. It''s to the point where I''m intentionally leaving her out of the plans (which I don''t wanna do) were making because every negative comment breaks my heart a little more each time. Everyone, and I mean everyone but her is so happy and excited and anxious. Not one person but mom had been negative about anything with this wedding. This is supposed to be my own day, and my own mother is trying to crush my spirits.

Ok I''m done now, anything is appreciated.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Aww, I''m sorry you have to go through this.... really sucks that she isn''t reacting the way you''ve always dreamed she would. You''re only supposed to do this once you know!
Could she be jealous? Just a shot in the dark. That the attention is all on you guys..... not sure here, but thought that could be it.
I know my mom was overly excited when we got engaged - it took 12 years! But since then she''s been kinda so-so on the wedding planning details, when I basically was her wedding planner for her last one. So I think people just dont always meet your own personal expectations, you know?
I just let it go and had fun w/ her when she was there and didn''t push too much. I went to my MOH when I needed a positive reaction and it seems you can do the same.
So sorry again you have to deal with this - but hang in there! It will be great and it will be all worth it!

 

[meresal]

I'm very sorry she is being this way.
I know nothing about your family dynamic, but could she be hurt that your step-mom is standing up with you at the wedding instead of her?

ETA: Did you go look at that very first venue with your step-mom? The one that your mom was upset about not being invited to go with.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/15/2009 2:19:58 PM
Author: meresal
I''m very sorry she is being this way.
I know nothing about your family dynamic, but could she be hurt that your step-mom is standing up with you at the wedding instead of her?

That''s what I thought too. At any rate, I''m sorry she''s making you feel bad about your wedding, it shouldn''t be like that.

HUGS

 

[bee*]

Would she be upset that your stepmom is your MOH? No idea if she would or not but that could be something. In terms of paying, she really doesn''t have to pay anything and if she has bills to pay, then they have to be paid. It''s a bit unfair to say that your stepmom loves you so much that she bought you your dress. Perhaps your mom just can''t afford it. I''d try and sit down with her and point out that she has been really negative about things and that it''s upsetting you. Maybe she doesn''t notice how negative she''s being.

 

[kama_s]

I wonder if she''s acting this way because she feels slighted you chose your step-mom as your MOH. I''d feel offended if I were her too.

Sucks she''s being this way, you can either ask her to be nicer and more supportice and keep her ''realism'' at bay, or just stop sharing details with her. I did the latter with my mum, FWIW.

 

[brooklyngirl]

All the negativity coming from your mom with regard to your wedding definitely sucks. We all grow up thinking that our weddings are going to be fun times of planning with our moms, but after planning my own wedding, and getting honest answers from my friends about how theirs went, I''ve come to find that all that is a myth.

Weddings being suck emotional events tend to being out the worst in people, because those close to you have a stake in the wedding.

I know you want to have your mom approve of your choices, and support you, but if she can''t do that, and is causing harm instead, it''s best for both of you if you not discuss the wedding.

((((Hugs)))))

 

[meresal]

Princess, u still there?

 

[Kelli]

UGH!! Family drama is the worst.

I don''t blame you for being bummed. It seems like the other girls may have a point about her being upset that your step-mom is your MOH. I don''t blame you for not wanting all the negativity around you, but that''s gotta be a hard pill to swallow for a mom.

But the "why is your thigh so big?"...... Shame shame. Not something a mother should say.

I''m sorry you have to deal with that.

 

[House Cat]

Princess,

I just want you to know that you aren''t alone. My mother is acting the same way. I am also leaving her out of much of the planning because of her negativity. My fear is that her negativity will spill over on to the ACTUAL wedding day. I haven''t yet thought of a plan for that.

But I am grieving, as I''m sure you are. I watch the wedding shows where women try on dresses with their mothers present, the mom cries because their daughter is so beautiful, and I think, "That will never be me." My mother just doesn''t have it in her to be happy about my wedding. I hear stories about mothers who are actually MORE excited for the weddings than some brides! It makes me sad that I can''t share my planning and excitement with my own mother.

My situation is a lot like yours in the sense that my step-dad is actually more excited about the wedding than anyone else. So, I have decided to concentrate on those that are excited and I am trying my BEST to ignore those who can''t seem to feel joy for what seems to be their own reasons. The truth is, I know that you''re hurting because your mom can''t seem to participate in your wedding in a positive way, but in all reality, SHE is the one who is really missing out!

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/15/2009 2:11:28 PM
Author:princessplease

Ok I'm done now, anything is appreciated.

Really? Some of us would really like to help you with your situation. Guess we didn't reply like you wanted.

 

[princessplease]

Mers, I hope I didn''t upset you!!!!!! We were at this Indian pre-wedding thing for FI''s sister''s wedding tomorrow. I''ll answer all ?''s in the next post. I don''t want anyone to to think I left, lol

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 5/15/2009 2:19:58 PM
Author: meresal
I''m very sorry she is being this way.
I know nothing about your family dynamic, but could she be hurt that your step-mom is standing up with you at the wedding instead of her?

ETA: Did you go look at that very first venue with your step-mom? The one that your mom was upset about not being invited to go with.

This was intial thought too...maybe she feels "left out" and also is slightly sad that she isn''t contributing to your wedding (like your dad/stepmom & FIL''s are).

 

[Barcelona]

Date: 5/15/2009 7:21:33 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 5/15/2009 2:11:28 PM

Author:princessplease

Ok I''m done now, anything is appreciated.

Really? Some of us would really like to help you with your situation. Guess we didn''t reply like you wanted.

Geez, give the girl a break. She posted at 2pm, perhaps she has other things to do.


I agree that it might be an issue with your stepmom being your MOH. It is possible the wedding is bringing up feelings about her marriage to your father and their divorce? Is she remarried?

 

[princessplease]

I also don''t want anyone to think that I was upset with any responses. I knew I''d get honest replies/advice from PSers, which is why I posted. Thanks to everyone who replied so far.

RHB, I don''t think she''s jealous. She''s kind of a flat person, not very emotional. I''ve never known her to be the jealous type. She also is not one to enjoy attention. I guess I would call her somewhat of a loner.

Mers-I don''t think it''s that because my step-mom is more like my best friend than a mother. I believe that the MOB has an extremely special and important role separate from any MOH duties. I originally thought that, but I told her my reasonings as to why I chose step mom and that MOB is something totally different and special. I didn''t chose a friend to be a MOH because all of my BM''s live in different areas. I didn''t want to put that kind of financial strain on them. Our first venue, mom didn''t come, as she was working. Dad, stepmom and my brother came, but that was because I knew my dad could negotiate a good price with the venue. Stepmom and brother just happened to be with him where he was prior to meeting FI and I at the venue. FI and I know dad is our most successful negotiator in the family, and mom has no interest in being involved with negotiating prices and food. Dad also caters for a living and works in the restaurant business, so I like his opinions on what he thinks would be a good substitute for some of the weird hordervs, lol.

Bee- I didn''t mean for it to come out that way. I don''t want this to turn into equating paying for things with the level of love they have. I should''ve elaborated in saying I was hurt that mom didn''t even want to come to the bridal shop to see me in the dress, and that I was truly touched that stepmom paid for the dress. I know that no one has to offer their hard earned money to pay for my wedding, but I was just so grateful that she did.

Brooklyn-Thanks for your comments. I just get so excited that I want to talk to her about things, and I feel like I can''t. It just feels so weird to have react negatively.

Housecat- Your comments were spot on. I''m sorry you''re going through this too. Everyone else is excited, and I should focus on their love and support. It just doesn''t feel right having mom act like this. Like brooklyn put it, I guess I''m just jaded as to this idealized vision of MOB, and my mom is not in that category.

 

[princessplease]

Date: 5/15/2009 8:00:32 PM
Author: Barcelona

Date: 5/15/2009 7:21:33 PM

Author: meresal

Date: 5/15/2009 2:11:28 PM


Author:princessplease

Ok I''m done now, anything is appreciated.

Really? Some of us would really like to help you with your situation. Guess we didn''t reply like you wanted.

Geez, give the girl a break. She posted at 2pm, perhaps she has other things to do.



I agree that it might be an issue with your stepmom being your MOH. It is possible the wedding is bringing up feelings about her marriage to your father and their divorce? Is she remarried?

I never thought about that. She is remarried, but her hubby is not a very good hubby.. I''ve toyed with the idea that she has this negative view of marriage because of how her and dad ended, but maybe I don''t want to think that she''s projecting her views on us. I would hate to think that she thinks we''ll fail because her and dad did.

Italian, I didn''t think about that either. Thanks for posting that. It''ll be hard, but I''ll have to bring it up next time we talk. I don''t want her to feel like she can''t be a part of this because she''s not paying for anything.

 

[Barcelona]

I don''t think she necessarily thinks you two will fail, but maybe she is worried that you''re caught up in the wedding planning and not thinking about the marriage and 1, 5, 10 years down the road. And maybe she doesn''t know how to communicate that. She might not even realize how negative she is being and how it''s affecting you.

 

[KimberlyH]

princess,

I know you''ve said you didn''t intend for this to come across as being about money, but that''s exactly how I percieved it when reading your post.

You mom may be really uncomfortable with your MOH/stepmom''s involvement, even if she''s not jealous. It sounds like everyone is being extordinarily generous with their time and money and she either can''t or won''t be (which is absolutely her right) so she''s not sure what her place is. Instead of dealing with this, she''s gotten a bit negative with you. Ask her why, sincerely, you may be suprised at her answers.

 

[mayachel]

Blech. Sorry your mom has turned this into such a lousy experience. Of course you want her to joyfully embrace and be excited about it all. At the very least, refrain from critiquing every detail, especially your thighs

.

It sounds like she hasn''t learned how to adequately handle her stress revolving around money in general, or you all grown up. Be patient with her, but protect your heart from unnecessary negativity.

 

[iheartscience]

If your mom has a problem with your stepmom as MOH, guilt at not being able to help pay, etc., she should SAY SOMETHING TO YOU. Acting negative and saying nasty things to you isn''t the way to handle any of these possible issues.

I''m not one to net-nanny but I''m pretty shocked by some of the responses on this thread. The OP''s MOTHER is criticizing everything about her wedding, the dress, the OP''s THIGHS for Christ''s sake. The mother is an adult, and if she has a problem with the OP she should say something. Tearing her down isn''t okay no matter what the issue is.

And I certainly don''t equate love with money, but it would definitely hurt me if everyone but my mother pitched in on the wedding.

 

[meresal]

Princess, thanks for coming back. I had just noticed you posting on other threads and not this one. Wasn''t sure what was up...

Have you asked your mom to go do things that just involve only the two of you? I guess I am just kind of blinded by the fact that she may just be very hurt, and has chosen to be mean to you, which is totally inappropriate, instead of confronting it head on.

Do you and your mom have a relationship where you feel comfortable confronting her about these things? If this is just her personality then I am very sorry. I wouldn''t know in the least how to deal with such a person.

 

[princessplease]

Hey all, sorry I was MIA. Yesterday was the big shindig for FSIL''s 500 person wedding!!!!! All was successful. I didn''t want anyone to think I was ignoring replies to my own post.

 

[princessplease]

Thing, thanks. My mom is a very vocal person, and she states her mind (obviously!!!!) so I really believe if she felt a certain way, she''d let me know. It just hurts, and I don''t want to exclude her from things, but she''s making it hard for me not to because of her attitude.

Mers- My mom is a negative person in general, but I really thought she''d be different for this. I don''t know much about weddings, so what are things that MOB and bride traditionally do together? Like do they shoe shop together, veil shop together, flower shop together?

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/17/2009 3:24:12 PM
Author: princessplease

Mers- My mom is a negative person in general, but I really thought she'd be different for this. I don't know much about weddings, so what are things that MOB and bride traditionally do together? Like do they shoe shop together, veil shop together, flower shop together?

Princess, you can make anything a MOB/Bride outing. What are her interests, and things that you actaully would value her opinion on? Like, does she have good taste when it comes to flowers? If she doesn't like the dress, then I would probably shy away from doing the veil with her, that could end badly. I would jsut try and let her know that you REALLY want her to be involved. I would stay away from thing that involve projects you have already started with your MOH/Step-mom. It sounds liek it might be better if you and your mom work on a whole project together. Does that make sense?

Are you doing any DIY projects? What if you dedicated one night a week, to spending time with her, and working on those projects? It's extremely hard to be rude to someone that is killing your with kindness

.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

I just wanted to chime in briefly...after reading your original post and all the replies.

I totally see where you're coming from and didn't read it as "she didn't give me money" therefore "she doesn't love me" or whatever and the reason is because your post almost exactly describes my own mother. The difference is, you TRIED to include her, whereas I didn't really do that. I'm not close with my mom at all because of her negativity and her lack of 'motherliness' (if that's a word...LOL), and so many other reasons. So, why would I try to involve her in this when I've really tried to distance myself from her in all OTHER areas of my life? (Not to be spiteful, but to protect myself and also to try to HEAL from the past hurts) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you've done much more than you really need to, in that you HAVE tried to make her a part of things. I think she really should see that her reactions to things aren't going to make you want to include her...and, if she really thought about it, she'd realize they are hurting you. I don't know how your mom is, but my mom doesn't care when she hurts someone's feelings or is very harsh or critical. In that past, I had tried to talk with her about these things, but she is PURPOSELY oblivious to any wrong-doing on her part. So..this may be the case for YOUR mom.

The other thing I want to say is this...I KNOW your OWN MOTHER'S reactions/responses are hurting you, but please be grateful for your step-mom..as well as your dad? For me, I've got 2 parents that abandoned me and left me with extreme scars...and I don't have ANY type of mother figure in my life at all, let alone during this wedding planning. Sometimes, when I think about it, it almost breaks my heart...but then I realize this is just my life and feeling sorry for myself won't help me (though I think I AM entitled to feelings of sadness from time to time). Additionally, I made a mistake with who I asked to be my MOH. At the time, it made perfect sense...but things didn't turn out as I'd envisioned (or as I was insinuated by MOH that they would). So, now she's moved out of the state, won't even be at my bridal shower (but I'm SO THANKFUL I'm even getting one..thanks to the efforts of FI's mom), and will only be coming up 2 days before the wedding. As for her dress, I have it in my house and I'm 'to deliver it to her parents by May 20th' so they can fly down to visit her with it. *sighs* Sorry for making this about me...I don't mean to, it just feels good to talk about it.

Anyway, my point is, please look at all of the blessings you HAVE and be thankful for them. You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to feeling hurt by your mom's words and actions, but please be realistic in your expectations of what you'll get from her. If you invite her to a venue or appt. or whatever, you need to go in expecting her to shoot her little barbs at you. If you expect anything else, you're going to be disappointed and hurt even further. And, if you'd rather not experience this, then maybe it would just be wisest to take a step back and distance yourself. If your explaining to her that her words are hurting you isn't enough to stop her, then nothing will get through to her, and even if she acts even more hurt and angry at your distance, explaining it to her probably won't do any good because she sees no wrong-doing on her part (as exemplified when she said "I'm not being negative, just realistic").

Good luck with things, hun, and please try to enjoy all of the moments you have with your AWESOME MOH...and be thankful for your dad and the relationship you have with him and your step-mom. I would give anything to have even one supportive, loving parent in my life.

 

[House Cat]

If including your mom is only going to put a cloud of negativity on your wedding activities, I think it would be wise NOT to include her. You''ve already said that she is a negative person. You can''t expect her to change just because you are planning a wedding. She is who she is.

You aren''t obligated to ruin one of the happiest times in your life because she is your mother. Sometimes a safe distance is needed and it is of no fault of your own. We don''t choose our mothers.