moving out

[rainbowtrout]

So...we have to move out in a little over a month. I''m really not looking forward to splitting up what has become "our" stuff into seperate boxes and going off to our new lives, not completely sure when we''ll be in the same place again.

Has anyone else ever had to handle moving out like this, where you are still in the relationship, still committed, and just leaving? How did you handle it? Anything helpful you just kept telling yourself? Sorry if I sound a little angst-y, I''m just not sure how to handle this. I imagine I''ll just go through it and then I''ll know...

Still, advice appreciated.

 

[firebirdgold]

No advice, just sympathy.

 

[princessv]

Hrm...rainbowtrout looks like you''ll be facing a very similar situation that I''m in in a few months.

A little bit about me and my fiance. We started dating long distance opposite ends of the country really North/South. Well, I made the decision to move with him on the condition that I got accepted for transfer for a law school (and nothing lower than what I was already attending). So, I moved in with him for the summer really crossing my fingers that I''d get accepted..I had moved all my stuff and broken my lease already.

The summer was pretty good...we were finally able to live together and just when we got used to living together..he dropped a bomb on me..he wanted to move to NC (an overnight decision which he didn''t discuss with me) I had found out I was going to be able to stay in Louisiana but had to move to New Orleans..I was devastated..I did all this for him and he''s moving?! So we seperated our stuff as I moved to my place in New Orleans and he moved out of his apt to move to NC. Boy was I angry..I emotionally couldn''t handle it and right after he moved I said we were breaking up. He ended up moving to New Orleans with me surprisingly, and was able to figure things out. So he moved in..again. LOL We were just adjusting to the new city..I had been there 1 1/2 weeks and he was there about 3-4 days going to our new schools, enjoying the town and setting up the new place. When disaster struck...the hurricane came along and I had to look for a new school in a hurry. (we thought law school would be the harder to be accepted somewhere after the hurricane not undergrad) I decided I wanted to go to school closer to my parents so I ended up in VA about 4 hours from my parents in NC. He wasn''t able to get into my school, but is going to another one only 1 hour away.

So we are stuck in dorms for this year..we get to stay at both our VA schools mostly because I was a transfer to New Orleans which meant that I couldn''t go back because of too many transferred credits. Anyway, a big bone of contention between us right now is the fact that I wanted to live together next year...at the halfway point and each commute 30 minutes to school. Long story but, he decided to go back to school full time after the hurricane which makes him financially dependent on his parents and they (without me) decided that he should room with some freshman/sophomores that he lives with this year in an apt next year. So, he signed a lease. We are both 23 and he didn''t even bother discussing this issue with me at all since his parents decided it was in his best interest that he room with them.

Honestly, I wouldn''t make such a big deal out of it if he had just told me at the time instead of signing a lease behind my back.

Anyway, wow this is long..sorry! On my better days, this really doesn''t bother me much..but I really do get resentful and frustrated over the fact that we don''t get to live together and it seems like it might be a long time before we do. I''m particularly reminded of this issue whenever someone (and alot of people do ask!) when we are getting married. I can''t set a date because I have no idea where or how long we will be seperated for.

I only have one more year of school left (thank you God!!) and he might have 2 1/2 -3, there has been some tentative talk about him transferring to school whereever I end up finding a job, which I''m hoping is NC.

My best advice is to not stew about it (which I can''t help sometimes) and to look forward to the time you can spend together, try not to take the frustration (if you have any

) of the fact that the both of you are seperated out on each other. Honestly, I think it''s much harder to move away from someone you have lived with than a long distance relationship that has always been long distance or someone you haven''t really lived with...but keep in mind there''s got to be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere!

 

[rainbowtrout]

wow, princess v, between katrina and all that stuff with him it must have not been a very fun year for you

I actually wasn''t expecting to *like* this whole living together thing so much. People kept announcing to us that we would "find out what we were made of" and that it would be difficult, but it''s been quite lovely.

We''re actually potentially facing the whole dorm thing as well...assuming that he finds out he job a job in NYC *after* I have to put a deposit down on subsidized student housing. Gah! Still, that would at least mean the next yr we could move in again.

I''m also globetrotting quite a bit in the next year or two--my grant pays for me to live in Paris whenever I want to do so (I need to go for at least a semester), and I have to go to Cairo to study Arabic for at least a summer or two as well. I know, tough life,right...

DB got a bit of a down look on his face and requested that if I was going to go all about the world that I wait a year *after* I got back from my Fulbright. I think that''s probably fair, esp. if he takes a job in NYC to be with me (he got the final round interview for BCG so its looking good!)

 

[MissAva]

RT- Yes...and it killed me. I tried making a list of things that he did that irked me...but really it just made me miss him more. I asked him to send me t-shirts that he was sleeping in so I could still smell him, and we talk often on AIM and our cell phones. We hand write each other letters, and draw little doodles to send to each other when we have a second, nothing like snail mail to lift your mood!

I am sorry you are having to go through this, try to remember it is not permanent.

 

[rainbowtrout]

that is a good t-shirt idea, mat...I will remember that one. I also might have to break down and buy a cell phone!

 

[anchor31]

J and I never lived together, but we spend 1½ years one hour apart and I left and we are now 5-6 hours apart (four weeks left! woohoo!). It was really hard... We exchanged stuffed animals and that kind of thing. I have a small ring with my intial on it that my grandmother gave me when I was baptized and I always wore it, whether it was on a small chain around my neck or on my fingers when it fit, and I gave it to him to wear around his neck before leaving. It was a bit like our "promise ring", I guess.

He wears it everyday. I have a picture of him on my nightstand and he has mine. It might sound silly, but I "talk to him" sometimes and just take the picture and talk. It helps, really, when I''m feeling really lonely and don''t want to call him and cry on the phone... Also, lots of e-mail, IM''s, long-distance calls... and I love snail mail. J''s not very good at it because he does like writing, but it makes it even more special.

Good luck, RT! It might reassure you to know that despite what everyone would say about the distance breaking up our relationship, it really made us stronger and brought us closer. It really opened our eyes to the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together and without it we wouldn''t be getting engaged this summer, of that I am convinced.

 

[sumbride]

I don''t have any advice either, but much sympathy.

we moved in together last year and it''s been wonderful. I can''t imagine not living with him now. I hope this is a short term thing... good luck!

 

[moon river]

Will never move again!!!! They will have to drag my corpse outta here in a body bag

 

[rainbowtrout]

I am SO looking forward to the day when I can say that! I always want to travel, but I want ONE place to come home to...with him in it!

 

[AmberWaves]

well, RT, I had to do that with a previous boyfriend, I know it doesn''t really help because we''re not together anymore, and now I''m engaged to someone else..

God, I sound like a nutter. Anyway, my original BF C was only down here for a few years to save up money, and then he''d move back up north when he had saved up enough to take care of his son. He told me this after 6 months of dating. He was from here originally, but moved up north to be with his kid. I ramble.. Um, so he told me he was moving after being together 6 months. I wanted it to work out, so I helped him pack (sobbing), and I drove up with him, and flew back home, after helping him settle in. We spoke every night, it wasn''t so bad, cell phones were a blessing. I flew up every month, he came down every month, so we''d see each other twice a month. But, because his future plans were different from mine, we both realized it wasn''t what we wanted. BUT- this isn''t something bad. It won''t happen to you like it did us. We realized we weren''t right for each other, I found my fiance, and he found a better life with his son. We''re still friends. I think you can make anything work, the T-shirt thing is good, as is snail mail, and little care packages (food from where you are, little cards, or pictures of what you''re doing now, little tokens, CDs...) and email of course. Just takes a little bit of effort, and it will show you why you''re with that person to begin with. I wish you luck, and hope this is easier for you than it seems.

 

[rainbowtrout]

thanks...we''ve been together in the same area for most of the last 8 ys...never been more than a 10 minute drive away! The only reassuring thing is that we do spend summers apart, and always have--often I''m not even in-country. So I know I can make it four months because I''ve done it every year.

He goes for his final round BCG interview next week...one shot of same place for the next two years! *crosses fingers*


I would have liked to be engaged while living together, but he''s darn committed to having that BA in his hot little hand before he proposes...and he was making noises about flying to Casablanca in the fall to propose if I was in Morocco because "it would be so romantic"

Spoken by a man who has never been to a third world slum.


I''m a little suspicious about the ring taking "two months minimum" to make though...I mean, even Leon doesnt take that long and I''m quite sure I''m not getting a Leon (he won''t tell me who but he hinted maybe wink?)

 

[fatafelice]

BIG (((HUGS)))!

I don''t have much to add, but I hope it gets easier for you!

I do second the t-shirt idea. I used to do that when my BF and I were apart. Heck, I still like to sleep in his shirts after he''s worn them once (but only if they aren''t sweaty LOL!).

 

[princessv]

Oh yes...t-shirts are good also lots and lots of pictures. Let''s see cellphones are a blessing...also we used to webcam a bit just to see each other and that just helps! Funny and cheesy but on some Friday nights we''d get all dressed up for a webcam date LOL it seemed to really help...also we''d sometimes pick a movie on a channel we both had like USA or TNT and watch that together on the phone. It''s hard at first but gets better as time goes by. I remember for I didn''t get to see him for the last 4 1/2 months because of schedules and that was right before I moved...totally killer never want to go through that again!

Wish you luck RT! You guys can do it

 

[meepcat]

My opinion won''t be well-liked. But I have this to say:

If you''re really happy with each other, you will find some way to cope with and accept the circumstances. The future is for a long time, and stressing over spending time apart is (IMHO) probably do to the "I need you now" effect. Do you know that you have many, many more years ahead of you, and the ones which are the most difficult to endure will add so much character, breadth, and appreciation for each other in your relationship?

I can empathize with your situation, having done the long-distance dance for a year, and feeling torn apart for 2 years (we lived together after a year). I''ve lived with all my serious, long-term relationship boyfriends, and feel it''s a beneficial living arrangement, provided both parties INTEND to stick it out. The dating period leaves so much room for making bad judgements. When you''re living together with intention to marry, you should really know better, individually, and be aware of each other''s needs.

Hang in there. Things will get better, and you will find some positive experiences through this, while accomplishing personal feats.