Multi-cultural/religious wedding

[soccer girl]

Soccer girl back again. I originally wrote back in ~Jan ''06 wondering if I should propose to my boyfriend. Well, I let him do the asking, ahich he did in June and I said yes of course.

Now I have a huge dilemma on my hands and don''t know what to do. My fiancee is Macedonian Orthodox, I am an Irish Catholic, and we are both practicing. Can you see where my problem is starting?

My parents would like to pay for the wedding reception, which I guess is pretty traditional. Of course in that case it would be in a Roman Catholic Church. Usually the expenses are split in Macedonian between the 2 families, but this would not be the case here. His parents would not have the money to afford a wedding here, yet they of course are upset at the idea of their son being married in something other than an Orthodox church.

I''ve tried every scenario. His mom doesn''t approve of 2 weddings. A catholic priest will participate in a Orthodox ceremony, but not vice versa. (However, I don''t think my mom should have to make this compromise when she is footing the bill.) An Orthodox priest will perform a ceremony outdoors but not vice versa. Neither family would be happy with an outdoor ceremony nor a non-denominational ceremony.

A reception with no ceremony? My family might feel cheated coming so far with no ceremony and may think that I am just trying to get gifts, which is not the case at all.

It doesn''t seem like anyone will be happy, however I am faced with these facts 1) my parents are paying, 2) My family will be in larger attendance 3) the members of his family attending will be his parents (whom we will fly out here=$$$$$$) and his aunt, uncle, and 2 cousins.

I could go on all day about this. Needless to say I need HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[firebirdgold]

I honestly don't think that if you get married by a priest of one religion that the other one religion wouldn't recognize your marriage as valid. Either way you'll be married in the eyes of God and both religions have the same God! I believe the churches are on speaking terms with each other again?

Which religion will you raise your children as? Have you asked your mother how she feels about a joint ceremony in an Orthodox church? Is there a way to incorporate some of his traditions into a Catholic wedding?


ETA: I do understand your situation. Even though I'm not very religious, my mother would be throwing a fit if I was marrying an Orthodox in an Orthodox church but not in a Catholic church. Although not like the mega-fit she'd have if I was marrying a Baptist since Orthodox is very closely related. Her allowed religions are Catholic, Jewish, Quaker (she married one so it had to be on the list), and Episcopal (since they're really just confused catholics).

 

[labbielove]

hi there,
fellow Irish Catholic here, so I understand your "pain"!

after researching much of the marriage requirements/do''s and don''ts for another reason (i Reaaaally wanted to get married outside) i don''t see how having both officiants present is a compromise for your mom- of course perfect solution is to have macedonian priest in catholic church but you said that won''t work. other option is a sole macedonian ceremony, then have it "blessed" by catholic priest (which they do sometimes after a civil ceremony) but that seems equivalent to 2 weddings, that you said you don''t want.

how about both officiants in a multicultural/non-denominational chapel. i''ve been to several jewish/catholic weddings that way. i find blended ceremonies are beautiful, with each officiant explaining the symbolism of the different rituals,etc.

and although mom is paying, it should be about you and fi and what you want.

but from what you say, it seems the catholic priest going to the macedonian church is the simplest solution.
i''d say- go see your priest and talk it out, they may have run into this before and can offer a viable solution.
it may help to have your mom go with- my feeling is that when the priest says he''s fine with performing it in the macedonian church it will qualm her worries- if your mom is like mine hearing it "from the priest" is understood better, even if I''ve been telling her the same thing all along..

good luck,

 

[codex57]

Why is it that 2 weddings won''t work? His mom doesn''t want it? If so, too bad. Your fiancee is gonna have to suck it up and tell his mom to suck it up if she wants an Orthodox ceremony.

Unfortunately, you''ll run into this problem a lot. I had cultural and religious conflictions for my wedding. Two ceremonies was the only way we found to accomodate all "must have" bits from the two families. The ceremonies may have to be simpler due to the increased costs, but if the parents throw a fit, then that''s what it''s gotta be.

The sad thing is everyone forgets the whole point of a wedding ceremony. People forget the ceremony is about the bride and groom getting married and think it''s just a big party for them and their friends.

 

[soccer girl]

Okay, all good suggestions. We are both making plans to talk to both priests. Hopefully that will give a little more insight into this dual ceremony.

We would have liked to have 2 weddings, especially considering basically all of his family is in Macedonia, however his Mom talked to her priest. He said, do not have two weddings. She does not want to lie to her priest. She would be mad if we tried to do this, and the last thing I want to do is anger my future mother-in-law, whom I''ve never even met!

I feel both sides ultimately would be unhappy with a wedding outside of a church. My mom''s choices are catholic, then orthodox, and last, outside of a church. His mom feels the same way...a catholic church would be better than no church at all.

Fortunately, neither side is making demands that it has to be in their church. Ultimately they will deal with what decision is made. Its just all this drama. I never understood how stressful weddings could be until now. Argh!

 

[codex57]

Ok, I dunno Orthodox traditions, but I kinda fear the priest saying or implying it's a bad idea to marry out of the Orthodox religion. I wish you the best. Talking it out works best for complicated things like this.

One thing to keep in mind is that it seems the priest is the one saying no two weddings, not your MIL. Now, find out why he said no two weddings. That seems to be the main problem to where you may have to do some tweaking or compromising. Hopefully, it'll just be a stupid opinion of his and not some strict rule straight out of whatever Bible they use. The good news is your religions actually are more offshoots from one original one. They're not completely contradictory. As such, concentrate on the similarities. If he brings up his doctrine, ask if that's what he interprets, or if it's a set in stone thing. If it is set in stone, ask him to point out where. I've met some hard headed priests where they think something is set in stone cuz that's what they were taught, but it's actually open to interpretation.

 

[reader]

For the sake of expenses, and respect...why not have a US RC ceremony, and then fly to Macedonia for another ceremony in your FH''s family''s hometown? Let your in-laws organize/pay for as much as they can
for that ceremony, you only have to pay for FH and your plane tickets, and maybe some expenses in Macedonia? That way, his more extended family can be a part of the celebration, and you might get in-law points for showing respect for their faith too.

 

[whatmeworry]

Wow soccer girl. Tough situation. I''m RC and so if I''m in your situation, I''m thinking if a RC priest were there, it would be okay. But as Indie mentioned you guys will have the same but tougher choice regarding which church in the future and you''re going to make one of your mothers unhappy again. But in the end it''s your wedding, your marriange, and your life. No answers from me but lots of best wishes. I''m a practicing RC and my FI is a buddhist, so I can understand your dilemma. Good idea talking to both priests.

 

[february2003bride]

Soccer Girl-

I'm Episcopalian and my DH is Sikh Indian, neither of us really practicing though. At first I felt like everything had to be equal. Sikh and Episcopalian priests both doing the ceremony. That turned into a huge headache so DH and I sat down and talked about what was important to US, not our parents. We felt we wanted our marriage blessed in A church with A priest (even though we're not really religious, it just suddently seemed important). So we went Unitarian, lol. It kind of appeased both families because the ceremony was in a church and it was soooo much easier on us!

ETA: This will get worse when/if you have kids. When I was preggo with our first son, suddenly DH's parents HAD to have all of the Sikh traditions done. DH doesn't really practice his religion, infact, I would say he believes and respects his parents religion but doesn't practice any aspect of it. So we put our foot down and nixed basically every request. They of course blame me for that

which is fine.

 

[upgrading mama]

hello soccer girl,

I am so sorry to hear about this situation. It definately will make future difficult, if you are both practicing different religions, especially if you have kids.

I am greek and was raised greek orthodox (part of the Eastern Orthodox church, same as Macedonian). My hubby comes from a Christian background and happens to have a father who is a minister! We married in a green orthodox church for several reasons. We married in my hometown *upstate NY and hubby is from Canada. 90 % of those in attendence where my friends/ family.

Thankfully for us, this wasn''t a hard choice.


My brother married a catholic and had considered trying to do both. Greek priest said no, so they married catholic. Now my brother can''t take communion in the orthodox church, which would be true to your hubby too, so if he is a practicing orthodoc, this will be a big problem.


I have a cousin who married here in toronto to a catholic guy and there was a greek priest and catholic preist in the church.. It was done in the greek church, probably bc of that fact about the communion.....


bottom line is what do you two plan on doing in your life ahead? While I think it is important for you both to have an appreciation and understanding of each other''s religion, for matters of practicality, you will probably have to choose one or the other.

Be sure that whatever the decisions are that they are based in what you and your F want. I know how hard it is to ''go against the family'' but I also know how hard it would be to have a split household. Probably would cause a lot of trouble down the road...

 

[firebirdgold]

You didn''t say which religion you''ll raise your kids in, if any? Or did I miss that? If you''ve decided that already, of course. We certainly haven''t.

 

[upgrading mama]

Date: 10/6/2006 11:51:26 PM
Author: IndieJones
You didn''t say which religion you''ll raise your kids in, if any? Or did I miss that? If you''ve decided that already, of course. We certainly haven''t.

sorry about that!

Well, we have had both our sons baptised greek orthodox, and had a Christian dedication for them as well. we attend a free methodist church here in Canada and we love it. When we are in Ny with my relatives we take the kids to the greek church too.

It is important to me that the kids have an appreciation for the heritage of my family, but we have chosen to raise them in a less- religious environment and more in a faith centered environment that has our relationship with God as the center.



This is not an easy decision. My very humble advice would be not to simply defend ''your'' religion bc it is ''yours'' but to truly have the interest of your NEW family at heart. (you and your future hubby and kids!) whatever that decision is.

 

[reader]

Sophie, my dad is RC, but can''t take communion because he married my non-religious mom in a Methodist church in the 60s (pre Vatican II). The local priest would let him take communion if mom would do a vow renewal at the RC church, but she won''t.

Could your brother have a vow renewal and then be permitted to take communion?

 

[soccer girl]

All good points.

I''m confused about the communion rule, though?
Are you saying if my financee gets married in the Catholic church he will no longer be able to take communion in his own (the Orthodox) church?

Soccer Girl

 

[upgrading mama]

Date: 10/11/2006 7:35:59 AM
Author: soccer girl
All good points.

I''m confused about the communion rule, though?
Are you saying if my financee gets married in the Catholic church he will no longer be able to take communion in his own (the Orthodox) church?

Soccer Girl

that was what my brother was told by our orthodox priest. Because, in essence, getting married outside the religion is viewed as a renouncement of your religion. That was what this priest said. It should be the same everywhere, bc it is not (supposed to be) his personal decision, but the diocese who makes that choice.


FYI, my aunt married a Catholic (in the greek orthodox church) and he still takes communion in a Catholic church, when he is there.

If I were you, i would call an Orthodox church near you and explain your situation and check it out.



As a side note, I know the greek church we married in charged a $500 fee to use the church. Is there a sort of fee for you guys in either church?

 

[rms]

I am Catholic and my DH is not religious at all. In some ways this is actually much easier than when 2 people are of different faiths and both practice. But I learned a bunch of stuff while making our wedding plans. What I understand is the following...the Orthodox can receive communion in the Catholic church, however Catholics cannot receive communion in the Orthodox church. It''s the Orthodox church which is overall more strict. That is why if you were to get married in the Orthodox chuch with both priests in attendance, it satisfies all the needs of both churches, but the other way around would not satisfy the requirements for the Orthodox. If it is let''s say a Catholic marrying a Lutheran or something, since the Catholic church has more requirements, you would have to get married in the Catholic church but can have an officient from the Lutheran church also participate.

So many rules, that''s for sure...

 

[soccer girl]

We have talked to his priest. From what I remember we asked him if my financee could still practice if he got married in the Catholic church, and he said yes. I find this communion issue infuriating. The orthodox church makes no compromises. In making all these requirements a couple is forced to choose their church and in doing so, they must promise to raise their children orthodox. That''s pretty convenient. If its such a problem to marry out side the religion (eventhough we are all Catholics here) why do they even recognize a mixed marriage?

Soccer girl

 

[upgrading mama]

Date: 10/12/2006 12:02:23 AM
Author: soccer girl
We have talked to his priest. From what I remember we asked him if my financee could still practice if he got married in the Catholic church, and he said yes. I find this communion issue infuriating. The orthodox church makes no compromises. In making all these requirements a couple is forced to choose their church and in doing so, they must promise to raise their children orthodox. That''s pretty convenient. If its such a problem to marry out side the religion (eventhough we are all Catholics here) why do they even recognize a mixed marriage?

Soccer girl

REally? I didn''t promise to raise my kids Orthodox to my priest?

We did baptize them both there but that is so they can partake in communion, and if they choose to marry there as adults.
We attend a Free Methodist Church, actually, now.

If the priest told you he could still do communion there then that''s great!

When dealing with religious legality, it is so hard to be able to remember the underlying importance, which is the faith and belief in God.
Keep your head up, it WILL all work out.

 

[soccer girl]

You are right. It is hard to remember what is really inportant, that we practically have identical beliefs. I feel like all this conflict between our familes and the churches almost creates this contagious us-vs-them mentality, which I find very unhealthy. Especially since I''m marrying one of "them."

To answer your question, if we were to marry in the orthodox church, I would not have to convert, but I would promise that I would raise my children orthodox. The reverse is true for my fiancee. If we marry in the catholic church, we promise to raise our children Catholic. I know plenty of people don''t follow this, but that is the rule.

Also, I believe that most churches require some monetary payment for a ceremony. I know that is true of the Catholic church.

 

[codex57]

Date: 10/12/2006 6:57:13 AM
Author: soccer girl
You are right. It is hard to remember what is really inportant, that we practically have identical beliefs. I feel like all this conflict between our familes and the churches almost creates this contagious us-vs-them mentality, which I find very unhealthy. Especially since I'm marrying one of 'them.'


To answer your question, if we were to marry in the orthodox church, I would not have to convert, but I would promise that I would raise my children orthodox. The reverse is true for my fiancee. If we marry in the catholic church, we promise to raise our children Catholic. I know plenty of people don't follow this, but that is the rule.


Also, I believe that most churches require some monetary payment for a ceremony. I know that is true of the Catholic church.

I think this is a good time to reexamine your faith. Or at least, the church you go to.

You hit the nail on the head. You guys have nearly identical faiths. For that matter, all Christian groups have nearly identical faiths. Jews, Christians, and Muslims are quite similar as well. They all worship the same "God." So, this is a perfect time to reexamine your faith and figure out what you believe in.

My dad's Catholic and my mom's Protestant. I took the opportunity to reexamine my faith when I was younger and decide what I truly believed in. I don't believe God wants you to blindly follow what someone tells you. I think he wants you to think for yourself in order to truly believe. I don't believe humans are infallible. So, I decided I couldn't be Catholic what with the Pope rule and all. Plus, I thought the Virgin Mary stuff violated one of the 10 Commandments. However, I didn't agree with everything one of the pastors at my parent's church said as well. It falls back into the "humans aren't infallible" belief I have. I noticed that he was pushing his/the church's politics more than simply objectively teaching us what the Bible said (or relating lessons with today's events).

I think you should do the same and take a hard look at your faiths and with these particular priests. As you can see from the responses, different priests have told people different things. Now who's right? For that matter, how do you tell who's right? Who's the voice of the "Church"? Take the "asking for money to use the church" issue. Do you think that's what God wanted from his children, or is that simply a worldly thing the people running that particular church decided to do? You wanna listen to your priest/church because you believe in what they say, not out of habit.