My 1st prob as a BIW - the wedding party

[hopefulheidi]

I know this question has been asked a ton of times and that it comes down to a personal decision but I''m really hoping that someone out there will say something that pushes me in one direction over the other.

My dilema:
Do we go with 1 MOH and 1 best man thereby keeping things simple but potentially hurting feelings OR do we invite our siblings to be part of the wedding thereby adding multiple opinions/needs/wants into the process?

The potential players in this drama:
My best friend, 2 sisters, and future SIL
Nate''s best friend, Possible future BIL, nephew

Backstory:

The older sister issue
I''m the middle child. My older sister is 13 years older than me and my younger sister is 3 years younger than me. My older sister was first married in the mid 80s and my little sister and I were flower girls in her wedding. This same sister got remarried a couple of years ago and she had her best friend and her step children as her bridal party. She did not ask my younger sister or I to be in her wedding although Nate and I did fly in from Texas for the event and we helped to set some things up on the day of the wedding. Ultimately I was ok with just attending as a guest (although it would have been nice if she had at least reserved a table for her immediate family since there were no tables left after we finished with photos but whatever hehe).

For the past couple of years my older sister has been obsessed with my future wedding (with a brief respite when she was planning her own). She''s the sort of person that tends to take over and take credit and she can be kind of pushy. When I planned a surprise birthday party for my parents I specificially didn''t tell this sister about the event until a few weeks beforehand because I didn''t want to have to run all of my decisions by her. She can be very jealous, competitive and a bit petty. I love her, because she''s my sister, but she''s not someone I would chose to be friends with. It bothers me that we aren''t closer but I really don''t see that changing.

Over the past couple of years, my older sister has been asking me lots of questions about my wedding even before I had really started planning anything. I had mentioned using a fall theme and possibly burgundy bridesmaid''s dresses. I never asked her to be in my wedding party and every time she brought it up I tried to tell her I wasn''t sure how many people I would want in the bridal party and mentioned that Nate and I had been discussing only having one person stand up for each of us. Somehow she tuned all of that out and essentially invited herself to be one of my bridesmaids. When I was home visiting over Thanksgiving she asked my younger sister about 4 different times if I had asked her to be a bridesmaid yet and she went on to say that she didn''t think they should have to wait to be asked.

The only reason I would really officially ask her to be in the wedding party is in order to keep the peace. She''s already worried to my mother that I''ll be making her do all of this extra work to help out with the wedding and yet I''m fairly certain she really enjoys playing the martyr and that she would be very upset if she wasn''t asked to be a bridesmaid.

My younger sister
Since we''re only 3 years apart my younger sister and I have grown up together. Unfortunately she was born with a genetic disorder and has some developmental delays as a result. For as long as I can remember I''ve been fiercely protective of my sister and although there are times I can''t help but wonder how our relationship would be if she didn''t have such issues, I love her just the way she is. She came with my mom and I when went we went wedding dress shopping and she tried on some bridesmaid dresses for fun. I think she would really enjoy being included in the wedding party but at the same time she only works retail and doesn''t have a lot of money so buying a dress and having it altered etc could be a financial burden to her. Also, I can''t think of a good way of asking my little sister to be in the wedding while also excluding my older sister so it feels like I have to ask them both or neither of them.

The future sister-in-law
The day after Nate and I got engaged we were invited over to his little sister''s apartment for dinner. At that time we kind of hinted around that we''d like her to be in the wedding party. I kind of got the impression though that money is tight for her as well and since the wedding is a bit of a destination wedding for our families (half way between both of our home towns) she and her boyfriend will need to pay for hotel rooms and the like so the dress, alterations, shoes etc could also be a financial burden for her.

Hmm I hoped that typing this all out would help me establish my opinion but it really hasn''t. I''d really love for my little sister to be in my bridal party but I''m fairly certain there is no way I could include her without inviting my older sister to join in as well. Nate''s little sister lives 3.5 hours away from my sisters and MOH so she wouldn''t really be involved in too many of the activities plus I''d hate to make her feel like she HAS to say yes and spend all the extra money.

I''m wondering if maybe offering to give each girl $XXX.00 towards her dress instead of a gift could help with the financial burden of the duties but that still doesn''t help me with the whole older sister issue.

Do I just grin and bear it and invite all the sister''s to be in my wedding party or do I exclude them all so that no one feels like I''m playing favorites?

What would you guys do?

~Heidi

 

[surfgirl]

Geez, I got totally agitated just reading that post! I cant imagine living it... You''ve already laid out pretty clearly that you do not want your older sister in your wedding party, and that the cost involved in being a BM would be difficult for your younger sister and your FSIL, yes? And you''ve clearly pointed out that it would cause family problems to only invite your younger sis to be a BM and not your older sis. So...you''ve sort of answered your own problem, yes? I''m thinking you ought to just not have a wedding party and let people try to make it to your DW and enjoy it as guests. All the people you''d want to be there will likely be there anyway so it''s not like you''re losing them not being there, right? I think not asking one sister, but asking the other one, is a recipe for disaster and you''ll never ever hear then end of it so why bother? OTOH, why invite problems on a day that usually can be stressful in its own right by having a meddlesome sibling causing you undo angst? I say, forgo the wedding party entirely, or...offer to pay for all the BM''s outfits and deal with your older sister''s "input".

 

[hopefulheidi]

I''m impressed that you made it through my entire diatribe and I agree wholeheartedly with your points. I was thinking the same things myself. I wish there was an easy solution but it seems I either invite both of my sisters and offer some financial aid or neither of my sisters and deal with their potential disappointment. Even though I''m really not close to my older sister I''ll admit that I was a little surprised when she didn''t ask me to be in her wedding party and at that point I really didn''t have my heart set on it as she appears to. I''m a huge people pleaser and I hate the idea of causing anyone hurt feelings but at the same time, it''s my wedding so I should have some say in what goes on hehe

Basically, if I had a backbone I''d probably just ask my best friend to be my maid of honor and be done with it.

Since I''m kind of a wussy though I''ll probably end up with the bigger bridal party and all of the extra stress that comes with it

Perhaps I should add a backbone to my wedding registry?

~Heidi

 

[Independent Gal]

Backbone! Backbone! And offset it all by finding them something ELSE to do. Just say ''I don''t want a wedding party. But I would love it if you would do ''X'' for our wedding.'' Maybe send a lovely card inviting them to do X. You''ll be glad you did.

Five minute painful conversation now. Months of sanity later.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/2/2008 5:22:39 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Backbone! Backbone! And offset it all by finding them something ELSE to do. Just say ''I don''t want a wedding party. But I would love it if you would do ''X'' for our wedding.'' Maybe send a lovely card inviting them to do X. You''ll be glad you did.

Five minute painful conversation now. Months of sanity later.

Exactly what I was going to suggest too......ask them to read, greet, help you get dressed.....whatever. But stick to your WANT....which is "I don''t want a full wedding party".

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with Indy and Alj -- don''t have a bridal party but say that you''d love it if they wanted to be involved in the planning (to some extent). Giving your sisters and FSIL something to do to help might mean a lot to them. They could help put programs and/or favors together (if you''re doing them), or do another job to help you get ready for the big day.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I agree. You have enough drama without inviting into the wedding party. I strongly reccomend you do not have family standing with you. It sounds like your older sister is going to be unpleasant no matter what so you might as well do what makes you happy. You could find things for them to do or have a lot of pictures with them, etc so your younger sister still gets some of the thrill.

 

[hopefulheidi]

Ok, ok...

I''m picking up what you''re putting down and I''ve got what might be a bit of a cheesey idea...

What if I invite all of these sisters to be "Official Un-bridesmaids" or something equally corny?

When I was thinking about the big wedding party deal, I was going to send out some cute invitations or something to my girls to ask them to be my bridesmaids but now that I''m trying really hard to grow a backbone and keep the drama to a minimum do you think it would be ok for me to send out invitations asking them to be part of our big day without all of the bridesmaid responsibilities? Basically let them know that they''re important and that I want them to be with me but that I don''t want to force them to wear expensive unflattering bridesmaid''s dresses, plan bridal showers filled with corny games, and stand around in foot numbingly tall heels to watch us get married? In essence, use some humor to diffuse the situation while still keeping them involved? Perhaps including a top 10 reasons why it''s better to be an Un-bridesmaid or something to that effect...or would that be perhaps a bit too tongue in cheek?

~Heidi

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Heidi,

I think that by sending your sisters and your FSIL cards, asking them to be unofficial bridemsaids, it''s calling attention to the fact that they won''t be in the wedding. I think just telling them that you''d love their help in other ways but that you''re not having a wedding party would be your best bet.

Zoe

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 1/3/2008 6:25:16 AM
Author: zoebartlett
Hi Heidi,


I think that by sending your sisters and your FSIL cards, asking them to be unofficial bridemsaids, it''s calling attention to the fact that they won''t be in the wedding. I think just telling them that you''d love their help in other ways but that you''re not having a wedding party would be your best bet.


Zoe

I completely agree with this. To me, and all the other girls I know, being an "unofficial bridesmaid" is a little on the insulting side. It''s sort of like saying, "Well, you didn''t make the bridesmaid cut, but I don''t want you to be pissed at me, so...." I had a friend in a similar situation to yours. She had already asked several of us to be BMs, and some of her other friends started whining about not being included (like a bunch of brats), so she asked us "would you mind if I just had a MOH and then about 10 unofficial BMs?" We told her we''d rather she JUST had a MOH and that we would understand and that none of us would have our feelings hurt but that we''d rather be supportive, anonymous audience members than have an awkward "unofficial" role. She agreed that the unofficial thing was a bit of a cop-out. I dunno, to me your TRUE friends will not get their feelings hurt one way or the other. If you decide to just have a MOH and a BM, then everyone else should be okay with it. The only way I can see people getting hurt feelings is if you do decide to have a bigger wedding party and start including one person you are close to, but not another whom you are equally close to.

To me, you sound like the type of person who just wants everyone to be happy and doesn''t want to leave anyone out. In fact, it seems like you will be happiest knowing that everyone else is happy, which makes you a very good person, but it probably also makes things a little difficult. It almost seems like you want us to say, "Oh, have everyone in the wedding. It''ll all work out perfectly, and everyone will be happy, and no one will stress you out on your wedding day because everyone will behave perfectly, and no one will feel any financial strain about buying dresses, and it''ll all work out perfectly." Which, hey, it may very well work out perfectly. Things have a way of doing that sometimes. Maybe your older sister won''t be a diva about things and steal the show. Maybe your contribution towards a BM dress would completely take the burden off your sister and FSIL. And maybe having everyone would work out. BUT, it also seems like you kind of already know that you would feel some stress if you did go that route. I think that your best option sanity wise is just having your MOH. But, then again, it seems as if being inclusive of your family is important to you too. Whatever decision you make, just make sure that it isn''t going to be a burden to you on your wedding day and that you are going to be as stress free as possible.

 

[Haven]

I agree with the no bridal party advice, as well as the advice to not send the unoffical bridesmaid cards. You COULD take each girl out to lunch and have a heartfelt conversation about how important they are to you, and that you very much hope that they can be there for your wedding day. No need to call them unofficial bridesmaids or anything, I''m sure they''ll get the point that they are special to you.

Good luck, Heidi, I know how difficult these decisions can be.

 

[nytemist]

I am the youngest. My middle sister hinted about being in my wedding (wondering what color the BMs would wear, how to plan a bachlorette party, what I wanted her to do and the like) She and I do not have a close relationship, as she thinks the world is all about her and is notorious for mooching. I knew I didn''t want her to be in my wedding since I didn''t want to hear any of her complaining about how I wasn''t doing what she though would be nice and how she didn''t want to spend money on a dress or anything.

My mother said that she should be in the wedding since she''s my sister. I asked why? We aren''t very close. Isn''t the point to have the people who you are close to, know you the best and support you selflessly be the ones to stand beside you? To me that was my three closest friends. My sister just had to deal. She said after the fact that it would have been nice to be asked, but I flat out told her that I didn''t want to put up with the drama that would come along with it and she wouldn''t put much effort into any ideas that weren''t hers. I had who I wanted with me and had a great time. My sister and mother just had to accept it. Hey, they showed up so they weren''t too bothered.

Your wedding should be about what makes you and your fiance happiest. If your sister doesn''t like it, oh well. You do not want to look back at it and think of what cast a shadow on what should be your happy day. Do exactly what you want. They are adults and can handle your decision.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters--just let them help as guests, there is no need to ask them to be BMs. I have three sisters, I love them all but when it came to my wedding I just wanted my best friend as an attendant. My sisters were wonderful and very helpful, but I was so, so glad to just spend the day with my MOH and have her be by my side that day. My sisters can be a tiny bit dramatic and I wanted to avoid it, so I did! I think you should just ask your best friend and not worry about your two sisters and the sis-in-law, they will be there for you on the day of regardless!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I have 'unofficial bridesmaids' and invited them as such. But I don't have any 'official' bridesmaids, and I made clear to my gal pals that this was because I didn't want them to feel like they ought to be doing anything. There's no dress to wear and they won't all be processing with me because there isn't really a procession. I don't want them to fuss with showers or bachelorettes or anything. I told them that the only thing I wanted from them was to have them hang out with me on the day. We plan to go hiking, and then to go for burgers. The burgers part is an old tradition of my sisters' and mine. We always go for (veggie)burgers before family weddings. Preferably AFTER our hair is done.

So, I guess that's a bit different. But I don't think my gals were offended. For me, it's also partly an excuse to buy each of them a present! So far, that's been the second most fun part of wedding planning.

I guess Heidi's case is a bit different. I agree that here you should just say "Won't you do a reading?' or whatnot and stay AWAY from the bridal party question.

 

[gtn]

I agree with the other posters.

Just have a MOH and that's it. If you feel like you need to include your sisters in the wedding, ask them to help you get ready for the wedding, or ask them to read one of the readings during the ceremony. Or say something during the reception. Since your sister is overbearing, why not ask her to "wrangle" the family for you?

I have two sisters, one I wouldn't think of making a brides maid and the other whom I would consider making a BM. Ultimately, I decided that I was not going to have either sister involved in the wedding party. The only sibling in our wedding party is my FI's brother.


ETA: If your sister stresses you out, keep her away from you the day of the wedding. you don't need the added stress.

 

[FrekeChild]

You should have a maid of honor and cut it off after that.

One of my closest friends, K, got married in March, and she had 4 bridesmaids. MOH-her best friend, 1 SIL, 2 other friends. Well she told me that I would have been number 5 but she didn''t think that I could afford it. She also told me that she really wanted me to be one, and apologized several times for it. And kept apologizing for it way after everything was said and done...Needless to say, I was hurt by it, to hear, well you ALMOST made the cut, even though I''m closer to you than I am to the two other friends--I''ve just known them longer.

Guess what? She''s had a fight with each one of the friends in the past 9 months-and right now her MOH won''t even answer or return her phone calls, so now she calls me all of the time. Ugh. Don''t get me wrong, I love her to death and she''s still invited to mine (whenever we get around to it) and the invitation list is very small (<50) but it really hurt my feelings at the time that she felt the need to tell me that I ALMOST made it. It''s basically like saying, you''re just not *quite* good enough.

In the end I''m glad I didn''t have to do it because the dresses would have been horrid on me (chocolate brown with pink accents) I''m fair with light brown hair and blue eyes and can pull off just about any colors except brown and orange.

So don''t say anything to them except, "I''m having a MOH and that''s it." Don''t apologize and don''t give them reasons why. If your older sister tries to start drama, tell your mom that you''re not going to deal with it.

And if she does make a fuss, tell her it could be worse. I''m not even going to invite my brothers and their families, even though I was in both of their weddings.

So feel free to use me as an example if need be.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I had a very similar problem when I was planning my wedding.

I have one sister who is 10 years older, she and I aren''t close and she got married the summer before I did. I have a younger sister who was a freshman in college and super busy her "stuff". I also have a SINL who is 16 years older than me, and she has a daughter my age. It was tough decision to make, and I thought about it for a long time before making any choices.

I opted to have my younger sister in the wedding, and didn''t ask my older sister. As I stated, she and I aren''t close--and because she likes to make "everthing about her" I opted to forgo "that" on my wedding day.

I asked my younger sister to be a BM. I wanted her to be in my wedding since she and I are very close and I love her dearly! It was a low stress position for her, since her responsibilities were mild and didn''t require much time. I know she enjoyed being included...and I loved sharing in the day with her.

I ultimately asked my best friend of 17 years to be my matron of honor. I was in her wedding 5 years before and couldn''t have asked for a better MOH than Laura.

Asking someone to stand up for your is more than just asking them to put out X-ammount of money, and stand up in a matchy-matchy dress on your wedding day...it''s a big commitment and a very important aspect of your wedding day. It is such an honor to be included in someone''s wedding party, because it speaks volumes about your relationships with that person.

Before you make the ultimate choice, consider how important a role you''re BM''s will play in your wedding. What demands will you make on them and their time. Guesstimate costs involved in being in your wedding party and have an open and honest conversation about that with them. Don''t automatically assume just because money might be tight that they wouldn''t warmly and happily splurge on you and your big day to celebrate your happiness and love.

Congratulations on the wedding, and good luck!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

oopps...I also forgot to add...

I did pay for my 4 bridesmaids dresses...we were a bit lavish at about $800.00 per dress (isn''t that disgusting!??!) but I made a special point to let my sister know that everything she had to pay for was completely covered. I didn''t feel that I was "playing favorites" -- she is my sister, and I wanted to pay for her dress, period. If you want your sister involved, and she really would struggle...ask your parents to help cover her expenses, or chip in yourself. I think if you dont have your lil'' sis in the wedding, eventually and probably sooner than later, this could be something you genuinely regret.

 

[hopefulheidi]

Date: 1/29/2008 12:10:29 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I had a very similar problem when I was planning my wedding.

I have one sister who is 10 years older, she and I aren''t close and she got married the summer before I did. I have a younger sister who was a freshman in college and super busy her ''stuff''. I also have a SINL who is 16 years older than me, and she has a daughter my age. It was tough decision to make, and I thought about it for a long time before making any choices.

I opted to have my younger sister in the wedding, and didn''t ask my older sister. As I stated, she and I aren''t close--and because she likes to make ''everthing about her'' I opted to forgo ''that'' on my wedding day.

I asked my younger sister to be a BM. I wanted her to be in my wedding since she and I are very close and I love her dearly! It was a low stress position for her, since her responsibilities were mild and didn''t require much time. I know she enjoyed being included...and I loved sharing in the day with her.

I ultimately asked my best friend of 17 years to be my matron of honor. I was in her wedding 5 years before and couldn''t have asked for a better MOH than Laura.

Asking someone to stand up for your is more than just asking them to put out X-ammount of money, and stand up in a matchy-matchy dress on your wedding day...it''s a big commitment and a very important aspect of your wedding day. It is such an honor to be included in someone''s wedding party, because it speaks volumes about your relationships with that person.

Before you make the ultimate choice, consider how important a role you''re BM''s will play in your wedding. What demands will you make on them and their time. Guesstimate costs involved in being in your wedding party and have an open and honest conversation about that with them. Don''t automatically assume just because money might be tight that they wouldn''t warmly and happily splurge on you and your big day to celebrate your happiness and love.

Congratulations on the wedding, and good luck!!

I kind of already made up my mind about this one after a lot of discussions with my fiance and a ton of soul searching, but I''m wondering...

Since you say your older sister is the type to make things all about her, and you didn''t invite her to be in the wedding, how did your older sister react to that? Did it cause any hard feelings? Are you glad that your bridal party turned out the way it did?

~Heidi

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think my sister was okay with it, or atleast I hope she was. I just explained to her that my bridal party was a reflection of the close relationships I''ve built in my life...and not a slight to anyone. I used my friend Jen as an example...although we have been friends for several years, she was not part of my bridal party.

I am sure, on some level, my sister was hurt by my decision...but, I also calmly pointed out that whomever she had in her bridal party was her choice, and that this is my choice. I did not stand up in my sisters wedding, and neither did my younger sister Michelle, although my older sister Heather did have her half sister stand up for her.

I have no regrets about the path I chose. Although there were complications with one of the girls...I do have peace of mind when I think about it now.