Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

My family vs. his - where to get married??

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
AmberGretchen

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
Hey girls - I need your advice on something. So here is the story: I was bornn and bred in the SF Bay Area, and went to college back East where I met FI. His whole family is in NH/MA, and mine (+family friends) is mostly in CA. Most of his friends and some mutual friends from college are on the East Coast. We did a tentative guest list for the wedding, and its about equal numbers on both coasts. Originally we planned to get married here and have a second reception back East. However, if we do that, we basically will have to pay for the entire thing on the West Coast, while his parents will pay for the East Coast thing. However, this is turning into a lot of money, and while we can certainly pay for it, we would prefer if possible to put more of our savings towards the house downpayment fund. So one option is to switch the wedding to East Coast and have a really casual party out here, in which case FI''s parents would probably pay for the whole thing back East, and then we would just have to pay for a casual party out here.

Another option is to still have the wedding here and do a cheap, casual party back East (basically the opposite of the above option). We are very torn about this because his family has been really wonderful to us and I think that planning things near them would be easier in terms of dealing with them, rather than having to plan things in conjunction with my family. On the other hand, we would like to have our wedding here because we both love it here. Either way, one set of parents is going to have somewhat hurt feelings, and a significant number of family friends and/or family members for one of us won''t be able to attend.

Thoughts? Thanks!
 
Mexico?
1.gif
 
I think you need to decide what is most important to you. Are you church going people are you going to want a certian offciant? Would your westies be able to fly over to the east coast? I find that in situations like this a pro/con list always helps. Good Luck!
 
Amber, that''s a tough one. In your situation I would do a list of pros & cons as Matatora said. I would also heavily consider the location where you will be starting your life together as a married couple. While you may have met on the East Coast, have you started to build your life in San Francisco? Do you plan on staying there? Or is this a temporary location? Again, if all things are equal I would lean towards where you are starting your life as husband & wife. Also consider your priorities.....do you want to have a larger down payment for the house fund?

I feel for you. We have family in the US & Malaysia, also with a large base of friends in New Zealand. We decided to do two small weddings...one in the US, one in Malaysia (small will be 250 people by their standards...lol) and potentially a BBQ the next time we visit NZ.

Good luck!
 
We are in a similar situations. Although his and my families are not as much apart (LA vs. Bay Area), we are having the two receptions so both sets of parents can be happy and the cost is really adding up. You basically have to pay for twice as much things. Anyways I agree with the fellow PScoopers about the pro/con lists. Hopefully things turn out easier on you.
1.gif
 
OK everyone, here is what I''ve come up with so far (pardon the long post). For reference, I am R, he is J. There are some unknown factors still, one of which is the location of my BMs during the planning process. Any further thoughts based on the list?

Oh and also, we are likely to settle around here, but that is not set in stone at the moment. Right now I''m in grad school, he will be starting law school next fall, and we should both finish around the same time (not anytime soon), so a decision certainly wouldn''t be made until then.

California
Pros:
Better location (we are both more attached to this area)
R family can come
R non-college friends can come
More non-smoking options and regulation
Officiant can be someone R knows from childhood – possibility of ceremony in temple R and J both love and feel part of
R can share DIY projects more with R’s mom
Probable better weather

Cons:
More expensive
R’s parents potential hurt feelings/drama/stress
Will have to pay more of expenses ourselves

New England
Pros:
J family can all come
R+J college friends can come
More help (financial + otherwise) from J’s family
Don’t have to pay for most of wedding ourselves
J family less stressful to deal with, J’s mom is super-organized + will be helpful in planning
Bonding over planning w/ J mom + family
Probable MOH in NYC, could possibly involve her in planning more

Cons:
Planning long-distance
Less ability/options for DIY projects?
Food likely not as good/not as many veggie options
Limited times for things that have to be done in person
 
Hmm...some good comments have been made the only thing I can notice from your list is:

1. How hurt will your parents be about having the wedding on the east coast?
2. Which family side is more formal? (and would care more about having the formal wedding + reception there?)
3. How concerned are your with personalization? (I think J''s mom, because of vicinity, may have to make decisions about the wedding and you won''t have as much control....and like you said less DIY projects - how important are those to you?)
 
I still think the two over riding factors are where is your life currently based and where will you continue to live. Number two being how hurt will your parents be if it''s on the East Coast?

Honestly, the two of you have built your life in CA. You will be there for another year or two after the wedding. For all intensive purposes, this is your home base at this point in your lives. You feel a connection to the community & you already have an officiant & chapel/church/temple picked out. Personally for me, that would carry a lot of weight. Especially since this about the two of you & starting a life together as a married couple.

Another thought.....if his parents are willing to help with the East Coast wedding, who''s to say they won''t simply write out a check as their gift to you? They may have set xxx amount aside regardless. Especially if they realize that you will be paying for a large portion of it in CA.

In your heart of hearts where would you like to have it if there are no expectations? What is ideal for you? Also, how much control do you want over the events?

Hope this helps.
 
This seems like the perfect reason for a destination wedding. Hawaii, Key West etc. Then everyone has to travel and no one will feel slighted. Then you can have more casual parties celebrating on both coasts...maybe each set of parents could host the casual party in their state....
 
Traditionally speaking, the wedding is ''supposed'' to be in the bride''s hometown. On the other hand, traditionally, the bride''s family footed the majority of the bill. FI and I also had this dilemma (like qtiekiki, only LA (my hometown) vs SF (FI hometown) and we ended up w/SF. This was after we had gone through about ten different switches of location. In the end, the convenience of planning locally (we are located in SF/Bay Area right now) won out. We both went to college here, and we met here, and we basically have our lives here together (although we may move later on,after I graduate), so that was another factor. Also, when looking into locations, we finally found one I was very happy with up here, and hadn''t found ideal spots in LA.

I struggled with the fact that my mom was disappointed we wouldn''t have the wedding at my home, but for us, in the end, it is going to work out better for us, because my parents won''t have the stress of hosting our family. FOr you, it''s the opposite, but it all depends on your individual situation.

We also considered the destination wedding, but in the end we realized the most importatn thing for us was having all our friends and family there to celebrate with us, which we knew wouldn''t be as likely with a destination.

What we did to help us decide was we each wrote out the top ten things that mattered the most to us in terms of the wedding (for ex, family and friends was at the top of our list, as were budget and fun) and we compared lists, and made our decision from that. Writing out the things that were important to us really helped us figure out what our priorities were, and how we ought to base our decisions.

Good luck w/your decision. Sorry for the long post.
 
I say.. unless you honestly HATE the idea, if his parents will pay for it if its back east.. have it back east. Weddings are INSANELY expensive. I don''t know how couples pay for them themselves.. I honestly don''t even know how my parents and my fiances parents together are paying for ours.. or how we are going to afford what we are paying for (while saving any money, at least). You will put yourself into TONS of debt that you don''t need to put yourself in! I really don''t see how you can pass that up!
 
I agree with Melissa Sue -- do the East Coast wedding and the casual reception back home. I'd still invite those people to the big wedding -- you may be pleasantly surprised! I'd advise long distance wedding only if you're ok with somone else basically planning your wedding for you. I liked being in control and nearby our vendors, location, etc....which, by the way, was in New England -- Gloucester, Mass. to be exact...Oh, and the food is great here -- it's New England!!! We didn't have a problem with finding vegetarian options...for that 1 vegetarian we had at the wedding!!! And you can't smoke anywhere in Mass. inside anymore! If you need some suggestions for Massachusetts, be sure to let me know! klr
 
We could use some Massachusetts suggestions! We plan to get married next summer, and plan a scouting visit this summer. So far, Castle Hill over at Cranes beach in Ipswich looks great, but we''ll only have 50 or so guests, so it might be overkill, not to mention pricey.

Where did you go in Gloucester? We''d like to have the ceremony outside near the water.

It will be a bit of a planning challenge for us, I''m from MA, she''s from TX, and we now live in CA!

Thanks for any pointers...

...Bien
 
I went to a wedding last summer at the Crane Estate. While beautiful, there is no air conditioning and it was ridiculously hot. Also, there''s no real place to dance. I also think there might be a time restriction for alcohol as we were cut off at 9:15 PM.
 
Thanks for the info, I assumed they had AC, cross them off of the list for summer!
 
Date: 5/10/2005 1:45:54 PM
Author: bien64

Where did you go in Gloucester? We''d like to have the ceremony outside near the water.

...Bien
Click to expand...

Bien, for the ceremony, I *highly* recommend considering The Public Rose garden at Lynch Park in Beverly. It''s a sunken Italian rose garden - outside and OCEANSIDE. Beautiful location, and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Here are a few pictures.....this ones shows a wedding in progress.....the ocean is immediately to the right of what you see here.

lynchpark2.jpg
 
..........and here''s the view of the ocean relative to the guests chairs.....

LPoceanside1.jpg
 
.........and here''s another view. It truly is a beautiful place to marry.

lpark1.jpg
 
bien -- our ceremony was outside and right by the water at the Ocean View Inn and Resort in Gloucester. We actually checked out Castle Hill...it is very beautiful...as well as Tupper Hall in Beverly...right around the corner from my home...and if we had our reception there, we would have been married in the park alj posted pictures of above. Very beautiful spot indeed!

What we loved about the Ocean View was that we didn''t have to go anywhere else but there...a very good thing for me! Stayed there the night before in a simple hotel room. Got my hair done there, moved to this beautiful 5 bedroom suite above the reception hall (that also became the perfect spot for our after party) had ceremony, reception and stayed the night. We go married during Hurricane Charley last August! So our by the beach ceremony ended up taking place on the deck...so it was a perfect backup plan! Crashing waves onto the back shore of Gloucester made for a pretty spectacular event if I do say so myself! It even cleared up in time for us to to take photos out on the rocks...which was very cool too! I highly recommend the Ocean View...There''s a picture of us somewhere under my posts. I''ll try and send a link of the property. Let me know if you''d like other suggestions!

klr
35.gif
 
alj and klr,

The park location does look great
36.gif
, I''ll have to check out how to reserve it, thanks!

I''ll also look into the Ocean View Inn, as the one stop shopping has appeal from this distance.

Thanks again, and yes klr, more suggestions would be appreciated!

Bien
 
bien - I love your engagement story...and the ring -- WOW!!!

You said about 50 people...here are a few suggestions:

The Ocean View does do smaller weddings...in a different room than ours was located though...I think in their main dining room that they would close off to the public in that case. You could have a beautiful wedding there -- I''ve seen it set up. And rent that room I was talking about for later. It''s fantastic. Perfect for photos too. The hotel rooms ($89) at the Ocean View are nothing fancy...they have nice ones, but they''re more expensive ($200+). It didn''t bother me to stay in a just OK room the night before my wedding -- it was cheap so I had no complaints. Others have been put off by the rooms though. Just to warn you, they''re in major need of upgrading!

Emerson Inn by the Sea in Rockport -- gorgeous venue!

Tupper Hall ($6000+ just to rent the site) that I mentioned above would be too big, I think, for 50 guests. And the Crane Estate is even higher -- at least $7000 -- both have a ton of rules regarding reception time and open bar.

If you have any specific ?''s, feel free to ask. Happy planning!

klr
35.gif
 
Date: 5/11/2005 6:10:52 PM
Author: heart prongs
bien - I love your engagement story...and the ring -- WOW!!!

...


If you have any specific ?''s, feel free to ask. Happy planning!

klr
35.gif
Click to expand...
Thanks, no buyer''s remourse on that ring! As we check out wedding bands at the local stores for ideas, she''s received lots of great comments.
30.gif


I think we''re going to pursue the Garden site, and see what reception locations are near by. Thanks again for all of the great suggestions. I''m sure I''ll be back for more advice as we get farther along in the planning...

...Bien
 


Date: 5/11/2005 11:20:48 AM
Author: bien64
alj and klr,

The park location does look great
36.gif
, I''ll have to check out how to reserve it, thanks!
Click to expand...

If you do decide to go with the park, you can get a # to contact them at www.bevrec.com. In fact, here''s a link to pics of the Rose Garden: http://www.bevrec.com/RoseGarden.html

They rent out in 2 hours blocks; it''s only $500 for that time. If you go this way, ask the Rec Dept about contacting another group having weddings on that day as well to "share'' on the chairs. They aren''t provided - they are rented from Rice''s rental, but if you can work out something with another group getting married there, could save a bit.


The only downside - no tent here, and you couldn''t do the reception here. However, there are some excellent locations just across the bridge in Salem, MA (Hawthorne Hotel, etc.) that could possible handle the reception part.


Since were so small, we rented a schooner about 20 min away in Gloucester and we had a sunset cruise reception. There''s a great caterer out of Charlestown who came up and did an amazing job aboard.


Lannonrecep.jpg
 
I just wanted to say good luck with your decision and remember that you can''t please everyone all the time. I found planning very stressful; do what will be easiest for YOU. If you give people enough advance notice of your wedding, they should be able to plan to attend, no matter where it is. We gave about 11 months notice, and people flew in from England, Seattle, Chicago, NY/NJ, Missouri, California, Michigan, DC, Oklahoma- basically from all over the US.

My extended family is from NY/NJ, my parents live in Charleston, SC, and my husband''s family is from MO. He and I live in DC. We ended up marrying in Chas, as it was easier for me to plan with my mother. If you do long distance planning, I think it''s important to make a few trips to see in person what you want.

Good luck!
 
Thanks Logan - we have actually decided to have the wedding here, as a smaller affair (about 50 guests) and then each of our parents can host larger, more casual parties to celebrate afterwards that can be at people''s houses and won''t require caterers or anything expensive like that and so won''t drain anyone''s bank account. His mom (FMIL) actually encouraged us to have it out here, and I think its really the best decision for us - we both love it out here and it feels like the right place. Now we just have to find a location!!
 
So happy you found a solution that works for you, and that everyone is supportive. Couldn''t have had a better outcome.
2.gif
 
Alj...is that your wedding? If so, great picture...you all look so happy!!!

klr
35.gif
 
Glad you found a solution. I was going to say who is paying? Whoever pays says where it is :)
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top