My life is being dictated by the Army! Help!

[aussiegirl23]

Hey everyone,

I have been reading lots of stories and people''s situations, and I''m curious if my situation is similra to anyone else''s on this site.

Do we have any Army or Military wives, fiances, or girlfriends on here? How has the Military affected your relationship/engagement/marriage? Any tips, funny stories, tales inspiring hope?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and have talked about getting engaged (sounds soon, but he''s the one who brought it up first, so I''m very happy)! The problem is that he leaves in a few months for Army training (several different cities across the country for about 10 months total).Then, his permenant duty station assignment will be Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (where I can''t be unless we''re married). We''ve talked about doing a court-house marriage to get around that, but neither of us thinks that''s best. That assignment will last a minimum of 1 year. So, it''s looking like we won''t be able to be in the same city for anything more than a weekend or maybe a week until spring of 2008. That makes my heart sink to even type that - it just sounds so far away!

So my question... is it insane to get engaged this fall (he likes the idea of proposing on our 1st aniversary of dating) since we''ll be apart so long? Is this the "wrong" way to begin an engagement? I realize everyone''s situation is different, but I want to make sure that if I wait for him for the next 2 years, he''s serious about being together then and will be loyal to me until then. It just scares the heck out of me to lose him because of the distance, the military, or the insanity of waiting for 2 years until we can live together in the same place again!

What should I do?

 

[AmberWaves]

Hi Aussiegirl! Welcome to PS

. For one thing, I don't think 8 months is bad. For another, thank your boyfriend for me, for protecting us! I don't think it's crazy to get engaged this fall, just be sure you'll be okay waiting for him. Don't get angry with him, and don't blame him for the fact that you have to wait. Be sure you're both ready to commit, no matter if you're both in the same place or not! I say this from experience. I dated a Marine, and we were serious, then the war happened and he left. I'm glad we weren't engaged, because he met someone else. But now I'm engaged to the perfect man, and I couldn't be happier. Just be sure this is what you want, and what he wants. Realize you will have to wait for him. Don't do anything foolish just because you want to be married ( mean hurrying the court marriage)! If you want to do it right, wait the year he'll be gone, and do it right. It will give you plenty of time to plan!! I wish you both huge luck, and I hope everything works out great!

Just wanted to add: It totally sucks to wait, but if he's the one you want to be with forever, waiting will be worth it! No matter what happened to me, I think it is totally possible! My ex was really just a jerk!

 

[anchor31]

I think you should do whatever thinks is right for the both of you... As long as you''re absolutely certain it''s the life you want to lead. I''m sorry I can''t really help you on the military issue; my brother just finished his officer training in the Canadian Navy and his girlfriend of 1½ years is probably wondering the same thing. However, I have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years, we will finally be living closer to each other starting September and we are getting engaged sometime soon. Long distance relationships are hard work and require a lot of faith, but they can work.

The best of luck to you and your boyfriend!

 

[allycat0303]

I know that there is a PS member (forloveofdiamonds) whose husband was sent to Iraq for 1 year (perhaps more) in any case, she mentioned that it was really hard on her, but that she has a lot of support from her family. All I can say is that I can''t imagine how hard it must be.

I don''t think there is any right or wrong way to handle things. I have a friend in the navy, and so is her boyfriend. She is 28 years old, currently in medical school (will become a medical officer) her boyfriend was sent to Ottawa (only about 2.5 hour drive) in any case, they got engaged after dating for 3 months, and are going to do a court house wedding. Now honestly, if it were anybody else, I would think it was too soon, but she has a solid head on her shoulders, and couldn''t care less for the hoopla wedding stuff. So do whatever feels right to you, if both of you are sure you are with the right person, I don''t see anything inherently wrong with gettiing engaged. Good luck!

 

[jesterjigger]

How long did you and your bf know each other before dating? How often do you see each other now? I''m not sure I would get engaged before he leaves for training and then his year long assignment...too much can happen and if you only just met 8 months ago when you went on your first date you might just be setting yourself up for failure. However, if you were good friends before you started dating, you might make it.

My FI and I are both in the Air Force (him 3.5 years, me 3 years). We we really good friends for almost a year before we started dating. Then we had been dating for about five months when he was deployed to Iraq...he was gone for almost eight months total, and it sucked. It sucked a lot. The only thing that got us through it was the fact that he was SO good about communication. We lucked out with jobs that involved us sitting in front of a computer so we used email like instant messenger for the four hours of overlap...he would also stay at work until 8-10 at night so that he could talk to me. He sometimes had to convoy, or go on week/two week long trips, and those were hard, but the times he was at his home base got us through. We talked on the phone once a week for 30 minutes and I sent him cards/letters/toys/gifts two or three times a month.

I also had a HARD time adjusting when he returned. I''d been nearly single for the whole time, not emotionally, but just hanging out with friends for the whole time so when he came back I felt really crowded and had some trouble adjusting. So just be prepared for that. It also helped that we worked together and saw each other every day prior to him leaving and would be as soon as he got back too.

We''re both being stationed in Korea, flying out June 9th, actually. But to answer your question...yes, I think it sounds insane to get engaged before 10 months of separation for training and then another year of separation for a tour. Especially if he has a job where he won''t have access to a computer very often, and I''d doubt you talk to him much during the 10 months of training. What is the training for?

Unless you do the paper marriage and you join him at his first station I would be really skeptical of it lasting...at least happily. He won''t have much control over his free time and may not be able to provide the emotional support you''re going to need while he''s gone. Plus, he''ll be newly inducted into the military, so he''ll have his own issues to deal with as well. With my FI he had four years at a military college and had been in the AF for two years before we started dating, so he was well versed in what to expect, and comfortable with military life.

You might be able to make it, I''m not saying it''s impossible, but it''ll be hard, really hard. I''m sorry to be blunt, but I also don''t want to sugar coat things. It''ll help if you have something keeping you really busy, and lots of friends to hang out with. But be prepared for it to be hard, really hard. No matter what anyone tells you, a year and 10 months are going to hurt like hell. If you decide to press with just the engagement and hold off on marriage until after his tour just make sure you build a strong support group. Good luck!

 

[IrishEyes]

I''ll go forth with a short version of my story:

My husband and I are both in the army. He''s been in almost 8 years now, I''ve just completed 6 years and just recieved a medical discharge recently. We were both deployed to Iraq for a total time of 22 months. I was sent home 4 months before he was for surgery and I would''ve gone back the second I was recovered, except for the fact that my biotch of a commander wouldn''t allow it (long story). So total time of separation for us was 4 months. But even when we were overseas together, we had two totally different jobs in the military, so we didn''t spend alot of time together, which was weird and hard.

We were dating at the time we were deployed. But we had been dating for 5 years at that point, and living together for 2 of those years. We always knew we would get married. So we did the courthouse thing. For me at least, it was perfect, because I never dreamed of a "real" wedding or a big day. To me, it was just about the act of getting married itself that was important to me. So courthouse, sandbox, wherever - It didn''t matter to me.

The army is a strange institution, a way of life. I am so grateful that my husband and were in it together. I will be totally honest with you and say that there is a high divorce rate amongst servicemembers. When one person is involved in something that serious and dangerous - especially on a deployment when your life is literally in danger EVERYDAY and you form such an amazing bond and closeness with your fellow soldiers - and the other person is back at home, going about everyday life, working, raising kids, etc. - it''s just two totally different lives. When the soldier comes back, usually things don''t work out for the best, sorry to say. I''m not trying to sound crass or mean, it''s just what I''ve witnessed about a hundred times now. I can honestly say that if I wasn''t in the military, I don''t think my husband and I would be married right now, for as he came back, he came back a totally different person. We both have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have had to seek therapy (individually) for our problems. But because we both know the "army way of life" it has made things INFINITELY easier on our relationship - we both completely understand what the other is going through.

I think that you should wait on the whole marriage idea a little longer and try the long distance thing. Yes, it will suck. But believe me - you''ll either make it work and it will make you stronger and lead to a better understanding of each other and strong marriage - or you''ll decide that being involved with someone in the military is just not for you and even though you love him, you''ll be better off apart in the long run. What ever happens, only time can tell. But being that I am someone who has lived the military lifestyle and has witnessed countless relationships both prosper and fall apart - I recommend just taking it slow and not rushing into something you may not want down the road.

Good luck and of course - tell your bf he''s a hero! The military is one of the hardest jobs there is!

 

[IrishEyes]

I just wanted to add one more thing as I just read what jesterjigger wrote -

what she is saying about when soldiers come back is COMPLETELY true! It''s so weird because from the soldier''s point of view - and from the family back home as well - coming home is the answer to all your problems. at least you think it is. When I was overseas, I dreamed about coming home everyday. Literally, everyday. Sometimes at night, it was so dark and scary, the possibility of an attack at any moments notice - the only thing that could get me to calm down and fall asleep was my "fantasy" of being back home. I enivisioned myself soaking up every minute of life, laughing with my friends and family, having parties and get-togethers with them, etc. I thought all the problems in my life would just disappear because I would finally be home and no longer in danger and in Iraq.

Suddenly, when I got my wish and I returned home safely, I felt soooo lost. I literally tried to pick up my life where I left off: went back to college, went back to work, hung out with my family. But I felt like an alien. I was miserable, scared, angry - my god so many emotions that it hurts just to type this at the thought of all those things spinning around my head. I couldn''t understand why I didn''t want my own family hugging me. I physically would push them away when they would try, which hurt them, which in turn, hurt me even more inside.

the only people that understood were the very people I was out there with: my platoon and my company. Those people are all my family now. and they all feel that exact same way. Cool for us - bad for spouses and loved ones who aren''t in the military. Because no matter how hard you try to understand it or "fit in" - they just can''t. It''s not their fault, and it''s not like we don''t love them anymore, but there is certainly a part of me that looks at, say, my own mother and thinks " I know she loves me, but she could never get how hard this experiene was for me, ever. " and then look at one of my friends from my unit and think " he totally gets it. I feel so close to this person" . If your boyfriend gets deployed, which if you say he''s in the army, he will be deployed - it''s not a question of if , but rather when - I garauntee it was be VERY difficult for BOTH of you when he returns. Like jesterjigger said, we''re not trying to scare you, but rather shed some light on the truth of the matter. being involved with someone in the military is no walk in the park, especially in today''s world when we are still very much at war with other parts of the world. It is damn hard to be a soldier, and damn hard to be the spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend of a soldier.

I really hope we are helping you to come to a sound and educated decision on the matter. I know you love your bf very much and I really hope that you are among the "sucessful" relationships of the military! Be strong and remember how the experience is a learning experience and can help make you a stronger person if you let it!

 

[nicolejrx]

Hello there!
First of all I just want to wish you the best of luck! As a military "spouse" (more later on the quotations), I know how it feels...

My FI is in Iraq for a second time in less than two years. He is coming home in 2 weeks and we will be moving to San Diego shortly after his return for him to complete his medical training. He is a physician in the Navy attached with an Marine infantry battalion. We moved very quickly in our relationship, we bought our house after being together only 3 months! But the thing was is that it never felt like the "crazy" thing to do. It ALWAYS felt right 100%! We didn''t get to live together right away because right after we closed on the house (we were still just seriously dating at the time, no enagement yet), he deployed. We had contemplated doing the whole courthouse marriage thing right before he left for his first time to Iraq but decided that it just wasn''t the right time for us.

Fast forward to April of 2005, he has just gotten home from Iraq and proposed. Our relationship was even stronger than before he left. We were in Vegas two weeks later and it just felt right for us to get that piece of paper that said we were married. It makes things so much easier when you are married but it definitely isn''t a primary reason to get married. So needless to say, we showed up at the justice of the peace and payed a security guard to be our witness, said some stuff and viola, I am instantly recognized by the US military as the "spouse".

We are actually going to be getting married in October of this year. For real this time. No one knows about our "prior history". It is just between us. Heck I don''t even consider myself being married! Until we are up in front of our family and friends saying our vows to one another, I do not feel as though I have a husband.

Unfortunately, most of these situations like this don''t work out like our situation has. I say that you stick it out during his 10 months of training and see how it goes... If your relationship can survive those 10 months being apart, you will be stronger as a couple! Deployments don''t make marriages and relationships fail. If you are true to yourself and your SO, you will only become stronger. That I can promise you from my experience!
Nicole

 

[galeteia]

I''m not a military girlfriend, but I''m facing a similar situation because my boyfriend is American and I''m Canadian. He has been in KY, which is 9 hours away, but he''ll be going to TX for his PhD, which is as far away from Canada as you can get without being in Mexico!

We are intending to get married in a civil ceremony next May in order to process my green card. I also feel that one isn''t ''married'' until you stand up in front of your friends and family, and have a bit of hooplah. It''s moving a fair bit faster than we''d ideally like, but we know we want to get married.

Ultimately, I''ve been convertered to the ''When you know, you know'' philosophy, and whether you''ve been together for eight months or two years, it doesn''t really matter.

If you can''t bear the idea of being away from your S.O. until 2008 (eeek!) and an enagement would comfort you in his absence, and you both know you are The One, I''d say go for it.

 

[Lorelei]

Welcome to PS

I have been a military wife for many years and it hasn''t been easy...the longest we were separated for was a year and 2 months which was very very tough, TDY''s and deployments too many to count of a couple of weeks to 3 months or so. Getting engaged could give you a feeling of extra security to help with the separation, you have to do what is right for the two of you. As to advice...it isn''t an easy lifestyle but you and your BF can be stronger for it. My best advice is to make sure you have your own interests - I almost have to be 2 people and chop and change as the need arises: when I am wife and partner and we are a couple who are together, we live for each other and when he has gone a different , more independant person who has to make more decisions and shoulder more burdens alone. This works for me / us anyway. The separations never get any easier, if anything they are more difficult after so many years as you know only too well what you are in for, but I guess with that you do get better at managing. Keep some good friends near you, some great movies and books you love, have outings such as bowling, movies, lunch with the girls, special shopping trips where you can browse with all the things that normally bore guys and be good to yourself. Keep busy.

Remember you can do this, many couples get through it and the military life does have some benefits. Contact is so much easier these days with IM too and email, it isn''t quite as hard there as it used to be.

I hope some of this helps, we have survived many years of it!

Best of luck to you!

 

[poptart]

I am currently a military fiancee (although he gets discharged in a few weeks) and so I know what it''s like to have to be away from the person you love. I think that if the two of you feel as though you want to get engaged and later married that is wonderful! But I would wait until he has completed those ten months of training first because it will help your relationship grow even stronger. My fiance and I waited until he was done with bootcamp and A school (he''s in the Navy) before we got engaged. Even though the time apart was horrible, I really think it helped us appreciate and cherish each other even more. You also need to make sure that you are ready for what goes along with being a military spouse. It''s hard not having them around all the time or being able to get in touch with them when you need to.

I do think the military puts a strain on the relationship because of the inability to spend as much time together as you did before. But if you learn how to roll with the punches it doesn''t have to be a constant struggle. You learn to love the time you have together even more... but I''m not going to lie, I am EXTREMELY happy that my fiance gets out in a few weeks... the military isn''t conducive to EVERY couple. But if you two truly love each other, you can make it happen! Also, if he brought up the idea of engagement, it seems like he is pretty committed to the two of you staying together. Just go with your heart, no matter what everyone else says... do what the two of you feel is the best for your specific relationship.

*Marisa*

 

[Lorelei]

Just some more thoughts here from my experience...remember that it can be very difficult when the military always has to come first all the time. You will miss many Christmases together, birthdays, anniversaries, children''s " firsts" he will miss, he might not be able to be there when you really need him and there is nothing you can do about it...but if you can accept that the military is what he does and that you might have to really reach inside yourself to find a strength that you never knew you had, when you are at your weakest, you can adapt to the military marriage and way of life. I have found courage that I never knew I had, especially in the last few years, when I suffered a bereavement of a family member when my Husband was away.

It isn''t easy, but if you truly love each other and are commited to your relationship and understand that you might have to go through different hardships than your non military friends you will make it. The divorce rate is high, but plenty of couples like ourselves do stay happily married. Also it is helpful to try to make friends with wives and girlfriends of other service members, they will truly understand what you are going through, especially when things get tough. Also each recognize the contribution you both make when your BF is away, don''t play the " I had it rougher than you game " it doesn''t work and leads to resentment. Be supportive and appreciative of each other''s role when he is gone and be proud of the new skills you have learned like being able to fix something around the house that he normally does etc. These are just some random thoughts, but I hope some of them might be useful to you.

 

[aussiegirl23]

Thank you all for your advice and stories of your own experiences!

We have been talking a lot about all the changes that are coming up in our life and I think we both agree that the engagment will give us strength, hope and reassurance during the coming months. I realize some of you weren''t exactly for this 100%, and of course there are issues, and this isn''t the optimal situation. But we love each other, know we want to be married and think there will be a way to make it all work, even if it''s not immediate.

I''m always happy to hear more opinions, but I think we''re going to take the optimistic view and go with our instincts that we love each other enough that this is the best way to go.

Aussiegirl23

 

[kcoursolle]

Hi there, I''m not a military girlfriend, but my best friend recently married a marine. I know it wasn''t easy for them, but they are made it work. He was deployed in Iraq for about 10months and they weren''t engaged at this time, but got engaged while he was away!! My friend told me that he missed her so much that he asked her to marry him on one of the brief phone calls he got to call home. She was always very stressed because she worried about his safety. She couldn''t watch news about the war because she didn''t want to hear a story about a marine killed and think it was him.

Well, long story short...they are not married and it is not looking like he will have to go back again. I don''t really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to share a story about a military couple that did work out. They are a very happy couple. I think that if you love each other and are committed making it through the worries and the long distance is possible and worth it.

I recently finished up long distance with my boyfriend (9 months CA to MN). I''m glad it''s over, it was a hard time in my life. It wasn''t easy, but we did grow as a couple during this time. Distance does really make the heart grow fonder.