My little Rant...

[jitterymo]

So I've been prone to depression a few times in my life, usually when I just can't handle what life throws at me. But I can't get over this feeling I have right now about what my mom said to me. She told me that I should move all my belongings back home that way I don't feel like I cann't come back. She also said that she didn't believe that T really wanted me in 'his' house. Recently my ex and the ex-friend he decided he wanted to be with keep showing up in our lives and it's making things stressful not only for me but the entire family. So I think that she might be reading into T's ranting about all my 'stuff' as he doesn't want me there... Also T has had a small bout of laziness the last few weeks and has been drinking a little too much. I can see why she is so concerned (as I was to blind last time), but I really don't think that he doesn't want me there, he says wants me there and we have talked about buying a home and have gone ring shopping.

Anywho... I'm just ranting because I can't do it to anyone that I know. Most everyone thinks that I am settling with T, because I want to get married and have a family. I just want them to see that he is a good man, and that he loves me so much and to stop making judgments. Maybe I can light a fire under his butt and tell him that he needs to step up his game...

 

[madelise]

ILS, if you think you have depression, seek professional help.


Preface:
I have depression that comes and goes. It almost killed me. I'm completely not myself when I'm going through a "downer stage". Don't ignore it. People don't take depression seriously. I didn't. I was blindsided by my own depression, and what horrible things can come out of it. SO actually almost left me due to it. He was the one who kept pushing me for almost a year to get help, but I didn't. When it got really bad, he literally broke up with me because I wasn't helping myself, and he couldn't watch a train wreck in slow motion. He packed his stuff, and that was the last piece of straw that broke the camel's back for me.

People who love you will support you. If he claims he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he will support you to the point where it hurts himself. I learned that through my whole ordeal. I hated, HATED SO for being so f*cked up, for leaving me, and for shoving me into the hands of authority, and I didn't even realize how much I needed him to do it for my own existence's sake. I love him for hurting the both of us because he loved me more than his own happiness. He took the hard way out, and saved me.


You:
He shouldn't be drinking a lot to the point where it raises eyebrows. Why has he been extra lazy and drinking? Do you think he is also going through some depression there? Why does your exboyfriend and his new girlfriend have anything to do with your family or your relationship? How is he "showing up in your lives"? If he's being a dickwad, and showing up when he doesn't need to, you and your SO, as well as your family, need to stand up to him and tell him to f*ck off, and that he's not welcome since he has no business in your lives.

Be raw with your SO. Talk to him, and really talk to him. It's alarming to me that you would seek emotional advice over the 'net before you seek it through him. I tried rewording that sentence to be as gentle as possible, so keep reading, I'm not trying to be mean, I promise. You want to spend the rest of your life with him. He says he wants to do the same. You guys need to start being each other's other-half. Be transparent. If something is bothering you, he should be the first person you call. Let him know that you've had history of depression, and that you're feeling a "downer" lately. He needs to be there to support you 100% through that, and adjust his hurtful behavior and words. NOTHING will get better after marriage, only worse as politeness goes out the door and comfort settles in. If he's being lazy now, and drinking now, nip that in the bud. Create a rule about only 1 glass an evening, and social drinking only to the weekends or something like that that would make you comfortable. Create schedules for what he needs to do, and what you need to do. Split the chores up in the house so that you both have equal responsibilities. He needs to stick to completing his chores, or you don't do yours (like making dinner). If he wants to eat, he can't be lazy.

As for your family's perception of him, I really don't know what you're seeking. When you say you want to "light a match under his butt", what are you looking for as an end result? Him to be more cordial or presentable in front of your folks?

Do you feel like you're settling? If not, take everyone's comments with a grain of salt. Thank them for being concerned, and if you need them, you'll let them know, but for now you would appreciate support for a very important life event.

-hugs-

 

[audball]

I don't have any personal experience with this, but *hugs*. I hope you're feeling better. I agree with madelise, too. Don't ignore your feelings.

 

[LJL]

I hope that something good has come out of this in the last few days. Reading it was a little overwhelming for me. I have been in a situation where family told me that I was settling...I resented them, I worked for year(s) trying to improve him in all ways possible. What it comes down to is that they were right. You should not second guess aspects of your relationship and sometimes tough decisions/life changes show peoples' true colors.

Just understand that you need to be happy with your SO and that if youre not happy now, you wont be happy forcing the next step (aka engagement/moving in). Theres something to be said for being overly comfortable with each other (hello my relationship) but when it gets to the point where one part of the couple is doing all the work - physically and emotionally - that takes a toll.

I think your mom probably has your best interests at heart, as most moms do.... but really, what should she say? She wants you to have space to think and to go forward (or backward) in this relationship after having reflected on it fully. I think the best thing you can do is sit back and think about WHY you want to be with him NOW. Some of the best advice Ive heard (and some ppl dont like this) is - If you met him TODAY, would you want to date him? People attribute a lot to having a "history" or having spent all this time with someone, they forget that they deserve to be happy. I hope you figure this out ILS

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

I can't get over this feeling I have right now

T has had a small bout of laziness the last few weeks and has been drinking a little too much.

Maybe I can light a fire under his butt and tell him that he needs to step up his game...

These lines make me think that you might be doubting what is going on with you and your SO and that it deserves some serious attention and thought. I don't know the circumstances of your relationship, but if I ever had these thoughts, I would want to talk it over with my SO before moving forward into engagement, marriage, living together, etc. My SO says that he chooses to be in a relationship with a person for who they are RIGHT NOW, not for who they can become in the future or their potential to change because the future is not guaranteed and there are just some things you can't change about someone.

I agree that your mother only has your interest at heart, and moms tend to have so much wisdom beyond their years. I don't think she's trying to speak ill of your SO, or get you to break up with him, but to get you to take a step back, look at your SO, and confidently tell yourself and everyone else around you that this is the man you want to be with.

Whatever the outcome, we are here to support you, and I do hope for all the best for you <3

 

[audball]

I hope that something good has come out of this in the last few days. Reading it was a little overwhelming for me. I have been in a situation where family told me that I was settling...I resented them, I worked for year(s) trying to improve him in all ways possible. What it comes down to is that they were right. You should not second guess aspects of your relationship and sometimes tough decisions/life changes show peoples' true colors.

Just understand that you need to be happy with your SO and that if youre not happy now, you wont be happy forcing the next step (aka engagement/moving in). Theres something to be said for being overly comfortable with each other (hello my relationship) but when it gets to the point where one part of the couple is doing all the work - physically and emotionally - that takes a toll.

I think your mom probably has your best interests at heart, as most moms do.... but really, what should she say? She wants you to have space to think and to go forward (or backward) in this relationship after having reflected on it fully. I think the best thing you can do is sit back and think about WHY you want to be with him NOW. Some of the best advice Ive heard (and some ppl dont like this) is - If you met him TODAY, would you want to date him? People attribute a lot to having a "history" or having spent all this time with someone, they forget that they deserve to be happy. I hope you figure this out ILS

This is practically word for word what I was trying to come up with. When I was with my ex (for 6 years), apparently my family really hated him and NONE of them ever said anything to me. After we broke up the flood gates opened and I WISH that my sisters or Mom or best friends has said something sooner. I really did get to the point where, like LJL says here, that I kept saying, "but we've been together for 3 years, 4 years, 5 years..." like the length of time made me happy! The question she posed was the question that broke the camel's back for me. If you met him today, would you date him? For me,the answer was no and that was the beginning of the end.

I'm not trying to be negative, because it really could be fine! But a lot of times I find that family/friends can see things you can't because you're IN the relationship. There were so many things I realized over the first 6 months after we broke up that I was SHOCKED that I actually put up with.

*hugs*