my long rant...family drama...gotta love it.

[tallblondemonster]

So this is my long rant…I have been upset over this issue ever since my FI and I got engaged in June…

To make an even longer story somewhat shorter here are the finer points…my appologies...i tried to make this shorter but had to get the major stuff in...there''s a lot more that has been left out.

My FI''s brother started dating this girl last year…we all tried to befriend her and get along…for some reason she just did not want any part of it and made no effort to speak to us or socialize with us whatsoever when we were all together at family functions…so after a while FI and I just gave up and ignored her…the kicker is that in front of his mom (FMIL) and sister (FSIL) she always tired to pretend that all is fine…she''d give us hugs and kisses when we all met up and then spent the rest of the time chatting to his mom and sister and sometimes FI''s other brother and wife (who we get along with really well). This drove me batty as I hate fake people…I would rather ignore them then have to pretend that I like them in front of others just to make a good impression…so of course future MIL and SIL saw that we were not "including her" so as we just found out they made it a special point to sit next to her and engage her in conversation to make her feel welcome…well great! I could understand that if we were ignoring her to be mean or rude but she is the one who (yes I know this is childish) started this whole mess and ignored us (no I don''t know why us) At one point FSIL acknowledged that she had noticed some of this behaviour and thought that the girlfriend was jealous of FI and I for several reasons one of which being that we have a good relationship and she may feel somewhat insecure about hers…it was all silly stuff like giving us dirty looks across the table. Another time we met up by accident at a show that both my FI and I attended with friends as did his brother (FBIL) and the girlfriend. We did not know they were there tilll we ran into them as we were leaving…so we started to walk up to them to say hello and as soon as we got to within 3 feet of them she let go of his hand turned around and walked away from us without saying hello…FBIL didn''t even bat an eye and said hello and quickly ended the conversation….well that was the last straw…back to the saga…so we were engaged at the end of June this year and the drama began with the engagement announcements…we gave one to FMIL and asked her to give the other one to FBIL as we did not have his new address and it was just the engagement announcement and not a formal invitation or anything…since they were not living together or engaged we just put his name on the announcement (ok so yes I was just being spiteful

)…however ever since then it began…FMIL called us up and advised us that if we did not put the girlfriends name on the announcement we might as well not even send her (FMIL) an invite as she will not be attending the wedding...We had been ex-communicated from FMIL and FSIL...huge blow out...all because we did not address the announcement to the brother AND the g/f…we had tried to speak to FMIL about this issues and had a long discussion - over two hours - at the end of which FMIL said that she will speak to the G/F and ask her for her side of the story and try to straighten this mess out as we all agreed that this was a very special time for the whole family and we should all be celebrating as a family and talking about/planning the wedding and all that exciting stuff however that was over two months ago and we have not heard a peep…it has actually gotten so out of hand that we keep getting info from other brother who apparently is still in the good graces with FMIL and FSIL (but his wife is not…she got ex-communicated with us just by mere association)...So now apparently our whole wedding has turned out to be all about the girlfriend…according to FSIL we are having a destination wedding because we don''t want the girlfriend to come to the wedding and admittedly we’d rather not see her there however we are not planning our wedding around the girlfriend...the whole engagement and wedding has become all about the girlfriend and FBIL...it is absolutely ridiculous!

It has been several months now and nothing has been said about our wedding/engagement…FMIL no longer even calls me as she used to at least twice a week (for years)…this has put a real damper on anything wedding related as usually FI''s family would make a big fuss as they are all about getting together to celebrate events (we did not even get together for FI''s birthday recently). FMIL is actually pretending that nothing is wrong as we had to make a quick appearance for FI''s birthday and FSIL only said happy birthday to FI and then proceeded to ignore us.

I know what you guys are going to say but quite honestly talking to them (FMIL and FSIL) will make no difference as we tried that and nothing happened…so basically FI just wants us ignore it and go ahead with our plans to get married as if nothing is wrong as it should be about us and never mind all the family drama. I agree with his thinking and it will still be a very special time for the two of us (and the brother and wife who are actually coming to our destination wedding - am so thankful for them

as it’s the only thing that is keeping me sane and from thinking that its all my fault) its just that I kinda miss not having a big fuss made about the wedding and was really looking forward to all the preparations and perhaps a shower and just general warm and fuzzies

…my family is really small (basically parents and they''re reserved so no big fuss there).

Thanks for reading and bearing with the long long rant but I just had to get it all out finaly!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Feel better now don''t ya!? lol

There will always be someone trying to rain on your parade... (gotta love Barbara)....

 

[larussel03]

I think the only way of really rectifying the situation is to go to the source -- the girlfriend. I would give her a call and maybe even invite her out for a drink and explain to her the purpose of wanting to meet is to apologize for making her feel as though you didnt' like her or didn't want her at your wedding, and to fix your relationship because you guys are going to be seeing a lot of each other in the future and you'd like to be friends. (Even if you're mad as hell and don't really want to be, but honestly the most important thing to do is to be proactive in fixing this situation, waiting for FMIL to fix it will take too long and I'm sure FMIL will think it's great that you took the first step to become friendly with the gf).

Some may disagree, but I think when it comes to family, sometimes you have to swallow your pride and apologize for anything you may have done without realizing it that may have hurt the other person. It's not fun, but I think that she will likely come around and apologize to you as well.

Plus who knows -- maybe she will end up being a good friend to you and it was each of your perceptions of each other that got you off on the wrong foot.

Good luck!!!

 

[tallblondemonster]

Thanks guys - for getting through the long rant LOL! and your words of wisdom!

iwannaprettyone - I do feel better getting it all out LOL!

sweetpea - i understand what you are saying and it makes perfect sense...i''m just not sure i can be a rational grown up just yet and swallow that pride.

 

[basil]

I don''t get it. Why did you care enough that this girl was "ignoring" you enough to actively snub her? You make it sound like you knew it would cause offense as you did it.

Quit making drama and having 2 hour talks about how you it''s her fault that you don''t get along. It''s just making it worse. From the way you describe, it sounds like the initial "insults" could have been unintentional. Now it just sounds like everyone is behaving incredibly childishly.

 

[decodelighted]

Karma's a beeeatch. Kinda sounds like you got what you gave. Being bratty is never the right answer. Consider this a lesson learned & be the "bigger person" in the future - UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. The girlfriends behavior will speak for itself *eventually* ... when you're not overshadowing it w/your own self-described childish, SPITEFUL behavior.

ETA: oh, and your title "gotta love it" ... in some way you must actually LOVE drama ... as you seem to be both creating & escalating it yourself. Have a little talk w/yourself maybe ... about whether you'd rather be "right" or have peace. That's a sure-fire drama-snuffing strategy!

 

[Kaleigh]

My take on this, is that you went down to her level and caused yourself even bigger problems. Be the bigger person, and work this out. I''d ask her to lunch rather than drinks.

 

[tallblondemonster]

Decodelighted and Basil - you are right and i will be the first to admit that i did not act in a grown up fashion when it came to dealing with the G/F issue. I even admited that to my FMIL during the two hour talk which was between 4 people not just me...i hoped that the talk would have given FMIL some insight to the whole issue but it did not and probably just made me sound like a brat...lesson learned.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I read that you are darned if you do and darned if you don''t. I think this little immature twerp is a hot wire and getting near her is going to be explosive no matter what you do.

I am further bothered by the FMIL taking her side...as she is just a GIRLFRIEND and you are actually to be her daughter very soon. Sounds to me that all the time/years you have invested...you have no equity.

If you want to salvage equity that may be valuable to you...you have to do something with twit girl. Is there some TASK she can do at your wedding? Is there some emergency that just came up that is exactly suited for her? Oh man I can''t believe I am suggesting that.

Other wise, I would just live my life...and plan my wedding...and forget about the family warm and fuzzies for an event...and focus more on years of NO FAMILY FUZZIES and get used to it. As this family is just waifing in the wind...and is carried by any breeze that comes up. Just know that righteous will prevail...eventually...her (the twit''s) two faced approach will be shown...at some time. Stand clear of it and don''t let her get you down in the muck any longer.

I am so sorry for your anguish. DKS

 

[tallblondemonster]

Thanks DKS...i was eating a whole lot of humble pie tonight as i do freely admit that i did not act in the best manner i could have...i just reacted to the situation at hand, very emotionally, which was not the best idea...

You have hit the target as i am upset that FMIL took the side of the G/F over my side and actually over FI''s side as he has been involved in this whole thing with me as the G/F was treating him just the same way she was treating me...and by FMIL ignoring both of us and the other brother''s WIFE too (because she spoke to us at family functions and therefore is seen as taking our side and not being "nice" to the G/F)...it just created a bad situation for all...the 3 of us are certainly not in her good graces. It all sucks but i think FI is right and i just need to get over it and not let family get in the way of what this means to us.

Our wedding is a destination wedding and there is nothing that we have to do for it other than show up...your idea of having the g/f involved in the wedding tasks would have been great as it might have resolved the whole thing without me having to go out on a limb and having a "talk" with her. I do hope that you are right though and they see through her act in the end.

Kaleigh - you''re right too - i did get myself into this mess without really thinking about the consequences...i just really don''t want to have a talk with the g/f when what i am really upset about is the FMIL and FSIL...but it may be the only way to resolve this whole thing...then again i don''t feel that i am the only one in the wrong in this situation however that is certainly not helping my case and certainly what got me into this to begin with.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Nik,

So sorry you''re dealing with all this...I see many good points have been made in the above posts, so I won''t go into all of that right now.

However, in my past experiences, it seems that dealing with the problem head-on and being the bigger person can either make or break you...you of course coulda/shoulda/woulda done things differently, but since you didn''t, you are left to step up and try one last time to resolve the situation.

I think inviting the GF to lunch is a good idea, but have you considered sitting down with both the GF and your FMIL together in a nonconfrontational manner to hash this out? In this sort of forum, it may be harder for the GF to snub you, speak poorly of you, etc... to your face as well as in front of her BF''s mother. I''d like to think she could also be the bigger person and tell you why she dislikes you so much, what assumed assault there was on her person, and so on and so forth. If she''s just insecure, then maybe you could help her focus on the positive things in her life, relationship, etc...

I am astonished that you seem to have had a wonderful relationship w/your FMIL until this point and that a mere GF could so easily destroy that...it seems to me there may be more going on than you are even aware of, so I say give it one last college try, and if that doesn''t work out, then it''s time to move on. Enjoy the life you''ve made with this woman''s fantastic son, who is the one you really need to focus on, and hope for the best.

Sorry if that isn''t very helpful, but I can''t stand to let things fester and need to get them off my chest RIGHT NOW, if you know what I mean. If you don''t deal with it soon, it will eat away at you and it''s simply not worth it. This is a time for you to enjoy and cherish the memories, not suffer through all this needless crap!

Sending hugs your way!

 

[monarch64]

Nik, people only do what you let them get away with. You say (and I paraphrase here) that your wedding has become all about G/F and FBIL...wellllll, haven''t you LET that happen? From here on out, you can probably change that by following the wise advice given here and being the bigger person. Sure, have a convo with her--I agree, lunch, not drinks--and let her know that while you feel bad for not being the best of friends, you''d like to make the situation work and will proceed in the future with cordial behavior. The ball is in her court then, and you did your best to resolve the situation. You don''t have to be a pushover or kiss her feet, but don''t go to the other extreme and participate in any negativity that might turn up after that on her part.

I have a former friend who really tried to stir up some trouble in my circle recently...at first I was very tempted to confront her about it either in public or alone as it hurt me very much, but I realized she was trying to drag me down into her own personal drama and I knew that if I succumbed to that pressure I would just end up as part of a very negative situation that would be talked about by everyone who knew us, including our husbands. I did not let my pride get the best of me and I just let it all go...fortunately things never came to blows and we are now merely cordial to each other and that is enough. She didn''t get her way in the end, and I believe "her way" was to provoke me into making myself look really bad.

 

[tallblondemonster]

Thanks Harleigh your words are much appreciated! i did loose focus for a bit there and got caught up in the whole thing...didn''t act my best...oops...like Monarch said (and rightly so) i have LET the whole wedding become about everyone else and not us with the whole she did this and i did that which was a silly thing to do.

 

[wolftress]

As much as we would all like to believe weddings are all about the couple, it is usually more about bringing two families together. I have great admiration for every bride who has accomplished this because it''s a minefield out there!

I think you already realise you acted childishly so there''s no point in regretting that now. Just work towards rectifying the situation. If you can''t handle a face-to-face talk, call her or write her a letter. Involve your FMIL in the process so that she realises you are making an effort to make things better. This is not the time for pride or stubborness. You are going to be your FMIL''s daughter-in-law and things can become very horrible for you and your FI in the future if you don''t try to fix this now. I do think it was unfair of your FMIL to take the gf''s side, but I suspect she is being fed a different story from the gf. So work extra hard to make nice and make sure your FMIL sees that you''re doing it.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 9/5/2007 6:02:48 PM
Author: tallblondemonster
Thanks Harleigh your words are much appreciated! i did loose focus for a bit there and got caught up in the whole thing...didn''t act my best...oops...like Monarch said (and rightly so) i have LET the whole wedding become about everyone else and not us with the whole she did this and i did that which was a silly thing to do.

Hey, mistakes are how we learn, we''ve all been there at some point, young, old, or in-between. Think of it this way: all you have to do now is be YOU. Re-read your original post...how would YOU have dealt with this situation if YOU weren''t in this particular situation but had experienced it before? Sometimes we just need a fresh perspective to figure out how to handle things, nothing wrong with that. I always respect those who come here and pour their hearts out and look for advice. All the advice you need is within yourself, you just need to bounce your feelings off some unbiased people who will tell you the answer''s been with you all the time. You can handle this.

 

[withlove]

Nik, As it appears that this is a very close family hopefully you can resolve the situation prior to getting married, this will help you focus on the most important thing (spending your life with that special person). If you don’t mind me asking.. How long until you tie the knot?