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My Maid of Honour is affecting my mental state

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Louise28

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2024
Messages
4
Hi Friends,

Eesh, this one feels hard to write but I AM STRUGGLING and just looking for some support. I went on another blog post to try to get some feedback and it was all so terrible and made me feel WAY worse about myself and the situation and I really think they misunderstood why I was venting in the first place.

I got engaged back in November. My whole life, my cousin (best friend for so long), and I discussed each others weddings. We would be each other's maids of honour. Hands down!!

However, I got engaged in November and ever since then (without going into to too many details) she has been SO .... unhappy for me. Like, not in a "he's not the right guy for you" because my partner is lovely!!!!! but more so a "I don't care, why would you want that" way. Now, before someone rips me apart - I do not need or expect everyone to have the same feelings about my special day as I do. That being said - I've been on the sideline for many a wedding and myself, I've always been so so happy and excited and supportive. I would IMAGINE my "best friend" would have been happy for me, like my other bridesmaid friends were...

She hasn't been. At all really. She's dropping comments like "ugh my partner and I would never spend our money on a wedding" "do you even want to get married" "sounds like your stressed, why bother" those kind of comments. She really downplayed something that we've been excited for each other for, for so long.

Again - fine. I don't NEED her excitement to be excited for myself, but wtf is the point in a best friend if not to celebrate in the good times, and to be there for in the bad times.

However, instead what she did was tell me (after the engagement) that she's decided to get pregnant for 2026 (and my wedding will be 2026) - This is where I caught the most flack online. Everyone said to me "how can you expect someone to put a hold on their life for 1 day for you - that's ridiculous and you sound insufferable" But that's not where I was going with this. I'm happy for her to get pregnant. I would NEVER tell her to not do that - that's her dream and I'm so happy for her. Where I struggle with the pregnancy is that she changed her timeline after I got engaged, and I know she isn't going to want to be on her feet all damn day as a maid of honour if she is quite pregnant or if she has a new baby - THAT'S OKAY I AM OKAY WITH THIS. But this IS my day. I don't claim days but the wedding day IS about the bride and groom and I need someone who can be on their feet helping me with the ins and outs of planning a wedding as well as the day of.

But more than that - she has been boisterously negative in front of all of my other friends, she is difficult to get along with, she hasn't been supportive on my journey... And she decided to rush a "wedding" of her own 2 months after I got engaged (that was never her plan she wasn't even engaged), she and her partner exchanged vows in their bedroom and exchanged rings with no one in sight.. I wasn't invited (granted it was personal so fine) but that kind of takes away her side of our deal (me being her maid of honour)- so do I have to keep mine? And now she ONLY refers to him as her husband "my husband this my husband that" almost to prove a point? Maybe I'm over thinking that but...

She also really downplayed what I was doing by having a wedding by saying "Oh - we don't need to have a wedding to be married. We're common law and that's good enough for us - why would you need a wedding?" I think what shocks me the most about this is, she can have whatever WHATEVER feelings she likes. I'm not trying to control that - I think just like a little bit of respect for my situation would have been nice, and now all of these drastic plans are coming up AFTER I told her I'm engaged.

And no one knows her like I do.

She didn't do this coincidentally, because she's never ever ever indicated any of these things before these last couple of months and then boom she just does everything to constantly tell me what's so great in her life while completely ignoring mine.

This is absolutely tearing me apart much more than I'd like - and it's starting to make me just want a really small intimate wedding with none of this hassle. I'm not a bridezilla I'm really not - I hope that you can see this dilemma for what it is and not make suggestions that I'm an insufferable friend that she is better without.

What I'd like to ask you is how can I best tell her without hurting her feelings that maybe being a Maid of Honour is too much for her to take on her plate with her pregnancy coming up and with her sudden disdain of weddings. I know she won't handle it well and so I'm just looking for some gentle (pleasseeeee) advice on whether I am maybe over reacting or maybe a polite way that you might tell your friend it's just not going to work how we planned it.


Thank you,
Louise.
 
You're not overreacting. You're just reacting.
She doesn't sound like the Maid of Honor you need. I think it's reasonable to simply say that.
"I'm feeling a disconnect that I'm not going to be able to work past. I'm respectfully letting you know I no longer feel comfortable with you being my Maid of Honor. This doesn't need to affect our friendship and it doesn't affect how I feel about you."
 
Actually, I have an idea for you. I think it is a diplomatic solution.

Since your BF got married, tell her that she is getting upgraded to Matron of Honor.

Pick one of your supportive bridesmaids and make them your Maid of Honor. You can give your BF some easy jobs and lean on your supportive Maid of Honor.

You are letting your BF down easy and will get the support that you need from your Maid of Honor.
 
lulu_ma said:
Actually, I have an idea for you. I think it is a diplomatic solution.

Since your BF got married, tell her that she is getting upgraded to Matron of Honor.

Pick one of your supportive bridesmaids and make them your Maid of Honor. You can give your BF some easy jobs and lean on your supportive Maid of Honor.

You are letting your BF down easy and will get the support that you need from your Maid of Honor.
Click to expand...

Thank you very much for these suggestions... I really really appreciate your feedback.
 
Even though the actual breaking it off is never fun, it will be well worth it to not have someone there who clearly doesn't approve. In fact, it sounds like she'd welcome being let off the hook.

I would get her completely out of the wedding party, personally. I don't think just changing her position within it will stop her negative, competitive attitude and comments.

I'd text her, to limit the chance of unnecessary drama.

"After much thought, I've realized that you being in my wedding party just isn't a good fit for either of us. So, it's time to end that arrangement now. I hope we can still be friends."

If she argues etc., maybe just answer her once with something like, "I think it's best that you not be in my wedding and really don't want to discuss it any further. Good luck to you." If she keeps it after that, you can always just block her.

Keep us posted and good luck with it.
 
Last edited:
seaurchin said:
Even though the actual breaking it off is never fun, it will be well worth it to not have someone there who clearly doesn't approve. In fact, it sounds like she'd welcome being let off the hook.

I would get her completely out of the wedding party. I don't think changing her position within it will stop her negative, competitive attitude.

I'd text her, to cut down the chance for unnecessary drama.

"After much thought, I've realized that you being in my wedding party just isn't a good fit for either of us. So, it's time to end that arrangement now. I hope we can still be friends."

If she argues etc., maybe just answer her once with something like, "I think it's best that you not be in my wedding and really don't want to discuss it any further. Good luck to you." If she keeps it after that, you can always just block her.

Keep us posted and good luck with it.
Click to expand...

Thank you for being gentle and understanding. I also did some research of matron of honour and it does look like it's a similar role - just for someone who is married so that may not work out for our wedding day.

I really appreciate your feedback and you phrasing it for me and will keep you posted <3
 
She may be jealous and feeling low key competitive with you. It's actually pretty common. It's unfortunate, but it happens. She needs to be 'first' to fill some need. Now she's being vocal about it.

If she doesn't want to be in your wedding, then that's fine. Be straightforward and you can just invite her as a guest as she has announced some big life changes to come that she'll need to focus on. She can decide whether she's comfortable with that or not. What is not acceptable is her publicly disparaging your life choices. Removing her from your wedding party may not quiet this completely, but it will put it out of your hearing and what other people say isn't worth worrying about or stealing your joy.
You have a joyous wedding to plan!

Either way, you will be free to choose a MOH who wants to be involved.
She gets the freedom to plan her life accordingly.

Congratulations on your upcoming union=)2
 
I still think a gentle hand is better since she is your bff and cousin. Also, your wedding is two years away and a lot can change in that timeframe.

FWIW, I had junior and senior maids of honor at my wedding-I wanted to honor both my 16 yo sister and my bff. It's your wedding-you can do whatever you want.
 
Look, your maid of honour and bridesmaids are supposed to be supportive of you and help you plan and achieve a wonderful wedding. That’s their role.
That said, not everyone is suitable for such a role, especially if their wants and needs are going to overwhelm yours. Of course you respect your MOH and bridesmaids feelings but this day is your day.
I just get the feeling that she isn’t as happy for you as you expected. This could well be jealousy or a raft of other issues currently affecting her and therefore affecting her interaction with you.
Be honest and open. Ask her if everything is ok on her end. Explain to her that her words and actions recently haven’t been as you hoped. Tell her that with everything going on and her baby plans you wonder if she still wants / feels up to being your MOH or perhaps would she rather a bridesmaid role or just to attend as a guest. Reassure her that you understand if she’d rather step back.
Weddings can be tricky and stressful and bring out all the hidden upsets into the light of day. And trust me, the second you start trying to make everyone happy, no one ends up happy.
Nevertheless it is your day and you are entitled to expect that everything goes your way. I’d have a backup plan for the MOH role just in case at the last hurdle she pulls out.
 
I would tell her , because of some of her comments, that you feel like she really doesn't want to be very involved in your wedding, and that you understand and feel like it would be better for both of you if someone else were your MOH. If she balks, then tell her that she has to stop the negative, critical comments because it's bringing you down. Ask if she can do that. If she agrees, see how it goes. You've got some time. If she continues with the negativity, call her out on it and and tell her it's not working. That she can be a bridesmaid or a guest, but you need a MOH who isn't killing your joy. This way you've made it her choice.
 
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