my newbie storyy

[lencor15]

Hey so I joined this thing a little while ago to ask questions and what not, and as i''ve been increasingly spending more and more time on here i figured id share my story. So my BF of 2 years and I are going to have a great year. For the past 2 years weve done long distance to the extreme, not only does he live 5 hours away from me, but hes in the coast guard and at his base every two months they go out and patrol the middle of the ocean, for 2 months, and during that time the only way we can contact eachother is through e-mail. I am happy to report that his current patrol will be his last one, and after that he is getting transferred to a base near me, and going to get an apt or house within 20 minutes of me!!! That is probably going to happen in may or possibly june, which is around the sameee time when he will be done saving up for my Mark T, Jessica 2, which is gorgeousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss omg, im so in love with it!!! not sure when he will propose but im sure it will be soon after, because as you can see we have waited what feels like foreverrr to be together!! Also just wondering about what goes onn these days...i was under the impression that asking the parents or the father if its okay to marry was very old fashioned and to me very cliche, but from reading some of the forums on here it seems people still do it?....I am not very comfortable with the idea of my BF asking my parents, if he HAS to do so i encouraged him to "inform" them that he is going to propose rather than ask....my discomfort comes from the fact that my BF and i are fairly young(I''m still in college), and i know in our first year of dating because of the distance my parents did not take our relationship very seriously, while I''m sure that has changed by now, i still think this will come as more than a shock to them....any advice? or what have been your experiences with asking, or telling the parents about your engagement?? Thanks all.

 

[Independent Gal]

Lencor, as a veteran of a couple of long distance relationships, I have to tell you in the strongest terms that it would be very foolish to get engaged until you''ve had a chunk of time (6 months?) living in the same place together. It really, truly does change a relationship. Sometimes for the better! Sometimes for the worse. The point is, you really need to know which of those things it is before you get engaged.

Slooooooow down. Have him move there. Spend some time getting to know how it feels to be around each other ALL THE TIME and try to mesh your modes of life, and then decide if you should get married or not. Do you know how he manages his money? What he''s like on a day to day basis when he comes home from a stressful day at work? Whether he cleans up after himself? What he''s like when he is pissed off? Or drunk and pissed off? Or, frankly, whether you''ll get bored of him seeing him day in and day out?

Sometimes in life it''s fun to make reckless decisions and then just see how it turns out. You know, move to another country, get a tatoo... Marriage is NOT one of those things. You want to have as good a sense of the lay of the land as you can before you basically tie your entire happiness, life and future to this person.

As my grammy so wisely says, it is the single most important decision you will ever make. So you want as much information as you can get about whether it is a good decision. And that means spending some time in the same place with this person before deciding you''re going to marry him.

Slow down! You''re young! There is no hurry, and this would be a very, very stupid (because easily avoidable) mistake to make if it turns out you''re not compatible on a daily basis. Just give it time and find out.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 1/27/2008 8:43:57 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Lencor, as a veteran of a couple of long distance relationships, I have to tell you in the strongest terms that it would be very foolish to get engaged until you''ve had a chunk of time (6 months?) living in the same place together. It really, truly does change a relationship. Sometimes for the better! Sometimes for the worse. The point is, you really need to know which of those things it is before you get engaged.

Slooooooow down. Have him move there. Spend some time getting to know how it feels to be around each other ALL THE TIME and try to mesh your modes of life, and then decide if you should get married or not. Do you know how he manages his money? What he''s like on a day to day basis when he comes home from a stressful day at work? Whether he cleans up after himself? What he''s like when he is pissed off? Or drunk and pissed off? Or, frankly, whether you''ll get bored of him seeing him day in and day out?

Sometimes in life it''s fun to make reckless decisions and then just see how it turns out. You know, move to another country, get a tatoo... Marriage is NOT one of those things. You want to have as good a sense of the lay of the land as you can before you basically tie your entire happiness, life and future to this person.

As my grammy so wisely says, it is the single most important decision you will ever make. So you want as much information as you can get about whether it is a good decision. And that means spending some time in the same place with this person before deciding you''re going to marry him.

Slow down! You''re young! There is no hurry, and this would be a very, very stupid (because easily avoidable) mistake to make if it turns out you''re not compatible on a daily basis. Just give it time and find out.

Did you end up getting engaged to your once-LDR SO? If you don''t mind me asking.

I''m also in the LDR boat, so I''m eager to hear other''s experiences with this sort of thing. On the one hand, I always thought I would be engaged before I lived with a SO. But like you said, getting engaged before you two live in the same city is a big leap of faith. Yet, so is moving without an engagement.

We have discussed a lot of the things you mentioned above and we''re fortunate enough to see each other almost every weekend. So I have a fairly good idea of how he lives day-to-day. We''ve done the marriage, kids, finances, priorities, etc talks as well. Still, I know that LDR does bring a unique twist to the relationship (such as prolonging the honeymoon period, I''ve found!)

I''m really torn about the whole thing. I trust SO and have faith that we will end up getting married because it''s already been discussed (and on a more tangible level than I ever have with anyone in the past) But packing up and leaving my job here seems like such a huge sacrifice without some sort of deeper commitment on his end.

 

[TravelingGal]

Add me to the list of LDR veterans. First one was Los Angeles to New Jersey in my 20s for 6 years. Second was Los Angeles to Australia for 2.5 years. Lencor, how's that for extreme?

Glad IG beat me to it so I don't have to type as much. Still in college? You're not "fairly" young, you're young, period! (I only say this because I'd like to think at 35, I am "fairly" young.

)

Is this your first LDR relationship? If so, your head is most likely in the clouds. All that time away from your man lends itself to a LOT of daydreaming and fantasy...and most does not translate into reality. There are all those things that IG mentioned, plus a plethora more. And having your head that high in the clouds makes the return to earth that much more shocking.

Personally, I think it was it kinda stupid for my now husband (mr. australia), to dump his life and come all the way to the US on the *hopes* that I was the one for him. I wouldn't have done it. Amazingly, it worked for us, but it wasn't without a lot of thoughts of "man, this gravity business sucks...so much more fun to be freefloating out there in space!"

ETA, I realized I did not answer your question...shame on me. I think my advice would be give them a reason to take your seriously. Have him move into town, get to know your folks, brownnose them like all bfs should, be obvious that his intentions toward you are honorable, then after all that he can ask them. It may mean your engagement doesn't happen in June, but I do think you have a time on your side.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

when my sister got engaged a few years ago i know my brother in law did not ask my parents and it turned out fine. they got engaged and then came to visit us for thanksgiving and thats when they announced it. my other sister got engaged while she was still in college and got married 3 days after she graduated. the first time my parents met her boyfriend was also the same day they announced their engagement haha so it really is just a matter of comfort as to how you want to go about it haha. with my SO i am pretty positive that he will not ask for permission either because that is just his way of thinking.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey Absolut, yeah, that is a tough one. If I loooooved my job and where I was living, I wouldn't move without a firm commitment of SOME kind either, even if it was a nice conditional engagement like this: "Let's try being in the same place for 6 months, if it works, we'll get engaged." If I had some other reason to move I'd be more inclined, e.g., if I loved the city he lived in, it had opportunities for me career-wise, I had friends there, etc. But I definitely wouldn't move unless me and he were on the same page about where we were and where we both wanted to be relationship wise if things worked squarely. Also, HE can move. If he's totally not open to that and hasn't got a good reason for it, I'd be skeptical of who was going to be pulling more weight right there.

And no, I didn't end up engaged to LDR 1 or 2. But I did spend two wonderful years with one of them in the same place.

The other one and I broke up about 3 months after we engineered geographic proximity. Which is why I say: could go one way, could go the other.

(Sorry for the thread-jack)

 

[EricaR]

Please please try living near each other for a bit before deciding to get engaged. I started dating a high school friend during college. We dated for three years, long distance, only seeing each other during school breaks and on random weekends when we could fly to see each other.

After graduation I moved back to our home town. Month one was great, month two was OK. By month three some of his mannerisms were driving me crazy and by month four I was almost dreading seeing him. Sometime during month five we broke up which was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I feel very strongly that you don''t know someone until you have lived with/near someone for a while. Will he drive you nuts? Will you drive him crazy? Will the fact that he always leaves his shoes in the middle of the room and you trip on them constantly make you want to pull your hair out? Little day-to-day things like that can make or break a relationship.

In the case of my current relationship, living together really brought us together. I learned a lot from my college relationship and this was one of the most important things.

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

Here is my advice:

1. LDR: I am not the expert, as the only part of my relationship with my FF which was LDR was at the beginning and only during summers. Even though we were LDR, we saw each other every weekend and spent the entire school year a block from each other. But, I agree with all of the other ladies in saying that you should definitley spend some time with SO closer to you to make sure this guy and all of his day to day quirks are something you want to be apart of forever Once you have time together, in the same area, spending day after day together, then I would say the commitment will be much easier! Also, in that time, hopefully your parents will get a chance to know him and love him just like you do! It is so very rewarding to have your parents be as supportive of your relationship and your future marriage as possible!

2. AGE: I dont know how old you, your in school, which could mean 18 and could mean 21....my guess is your in your twenties...regardless, love is love. A commitment to marriage is the same, whether you are 47 or 32 or 17. Although I think your "teens" and "early twenties" are young...but are NOT TOO YOUNG! I am also "young" as many posters would say...but my FF and I will be engaged by the end of the summer with a wedding in 09 or 2010. We plan to buy house by next fall and have already started preliminary plans for a wedding. (a wedding in which we are basically paying for on our own...but nevertheless will be my dream wedding) We are doing all of this and guess what...were only in our early twenties. Some say YOUR SO YOUNG....but I am doing things that some 27 or 32 year olds couldnt even think of doing! So it isnt always about AGE! Life continues no matter how old you are, and if you are mature and stable and making the best decisions possible...then really age shouldnt be a barrier! YOU are an ADULT! So just remember that when you are told you are too young As you can see, I have struggled with similar comments from family and friends, not any time recently, but as recent as a year ago. Now I am amidst college graduation within the next few months and am making future plans for OUR LIFE TOGETHER, and age will be no barrier for us! We have in a way proven our determination and confidence in our life decisions to our "doubters" and ever since...have nothing but support!!!

So my advice...take time to enjoy life, your SO, and the gifts the future holds for you! With or Without the support of others

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

p.s. excuse my typos...I was trying to be quick...oops!

 

[Independent Gal]

" Life continues no matter how old you are"

ah... if only that were true.

And I agree that how old you are and how grown up you are aren''t the same thing. Being mature often means knowing how grown up you are, as well as how old you are.

But no matter how old or how grown up two people are, they may still want to kill each other after a few months of proximity when all was hunky-dory long distance.

Age and maturity are not the issue here, except insofar as it''s all the more reason there is no rush. If OP said "I''m 37, I want 3 kids, so I''m in a hurry" I''d give the same advice. But here, there isn''t even that reason to hurry. So. Slow. Down.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 1/27/2008 8:43:57 PM
Author: Independent Gal

As my grammy so wisely says, it is the single most important decision you will ever make. So you want as much information as you can get about whether it is a good decision. And that means spending some time in the same place with this person before deciding you''re going to marry him.

I''m going to add to what IndyGal said a little bit. As my dad says, marriage is one of biggest financial decisions you can ever make. Divorce is the biggest financial investment you could ever make, and it''s a bad one because you don''t get anything back except a paper that says you''re single. He''s a divorce attorney.

I''m of the mindset that you should make every single effort you can to try to eliminate the chance of divorce. That usually means prolonged time and very close proximity. I can''t say it any better than everyone else here, but you need to spend time with him on a day to day basis before you make any kind of permanent arrangement.

I''ve never done the LDR thing, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for you ladies that do, but I know that it''s incredibly hard to maintain a relationship across any kind of distance. But thats when it becomes even more important to give it time. I know that BF and I will be together at least 2 years before we get engaged, and we''ll be engaged at least 1 year before we get married-and we live TOGETHER. I can''t imagine how that would change if we had a LDR. But I can tell you that time would greatly increase.

I wish you luck.

 

[diamondfan]

Sometimes, most times, it is the little crap the undoes you. You can love someone so much, love the idea of loving them and think it is all going to be moonlight and roses, and in the end, love notwithstanding, it does not pan out. I got married at 24 and while it is not tooo young for sure, I was immature in that I had never lived on my own. Went from my mom's house to ours, pretty much. Had to adjust to him, he is a neat freak and I can be ocd about certain stuff but sloppy about other things. We had to really find our groove. 17 years and three kids later and moves and family issues and we still work at that...You can love someone with all of your heart and just find, in the day to day living, that you are not that compatible. Love is so important but so is the ability to communicate, compromise, have some flexibility, hear one another...just love will not do it. It is great that he will be near you. Use that time to have a quasi normal relationship. Spend time together, hang out, not just fancy nice evenings, but some mundane stuff too since that is that regular part of life. And while I know people who would match up 100% on a compatibility scale can marry and not stay together, I still think that it really helps to get a slice of real life for a while under your belt. You do have youth on your side, show your folks you are approaching this maturely. If it is meant to be it will work out, and you will have made the wise choice to take the time to make it so.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/27/2008 8:43:57 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Lencor, as a veteran of a couple of long distance relationships, I have to tell you in the strongest terms that it would be very foolish to get engaged until you''ve had a chunk of time (6 months?) living in the same place together. It really, truly does change a relationship. Sometimes for the better! Sometimes for the worse. The point is, you really need to know which of those things it is before you get engaged.


Slooooooow down. Have him move there. Spend some time getting to know how it feels to be around each other ALL THE TIME and try to mesh your modes of life, and then decide if you should get married or not. Do you know how he manages his money? What he''s like on a day to day basis when he comes home from a stressful day at work? Whether he cleans up after himself? What he''s like when he is pissed off? Or drunk and pissed off? Or, frankly, whether you''ll get bored of him seeing him day in and day out?


Sometimes in life it''s fun to make reckless decisions and then just see how it turns out. You know, move to another country, get a tatoo... Marriage is NOT one of those things. You want to have as good a sense of the lay of the land as you can before you basically tie your entire happiness, life and future to this person.


As my grammy so wisely says, it is the single most important decision you will ever make. So you want as much information as you can get about whether it is a good decision. And that means spending some time in the same place with this person before deciding you''re going to marry him.


Slow down! You''re young! There is no hurry, and this would be a very, very stupid (because easily avoidable) mistake to make if it turns out you''re not compatible on a daily basis. Just give it time and find out.

totally agree. I personally have never been in a LDR but one of my best friends was. They were long distance for three years (she''s in Ireland and he was in Boston). They spent a week or two together four or five times throughout the year, got engaged after the three years and he moved over here. One month later it was all over and he was back in Boston. They just didn''t work out when they were both living in the same place. She''s the first to admit now that as they didn''t meet up that often it was so amazing when they did, but when she saw him day to day, it was like the first time she saw him without that holiday glow.
I would live near each other for at least 6 months and see how you get along. Have all the discussions that you need to have in relation to money, kids, living conditions, careers etc. I''m not saying this in terms of your age either, it''s in terms of the fact that you don''t know someone properly if you don''t know them in day to day life. It''s easy to put on a happy face for a short visit if someone is visiting.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/27/2008 8:43:57 PM
Author: Independent Gal

Lencor, as a veteran of a couple of long distance relationships, I have to tell you in the strongest terms that it would be very foolish to get engaged until you've had a chunk of time (6 months?) living in the same place together. It really, truly does change a relationship. Sometimes for the better! Sometimes for the worse. The point is, you really need to know which of those things it is before you get engaged.

Another LDR veteran whose story ended well chiming in to say give it some time before you jump into engagement/marriage.

We lived on opposite ends of CA when we met and dated for a bit less than a year before deciding it was time to figure out if we liked each other as much day-to-day as we did when we were having whirlwind weekends of fun together once every two or three weeks. I moved and we dated for another eight months; during that time we lived seperately but grocery shopped together, cooked, cleaned, took care of his elderly/sick mom, saw each other and our best and worst on a daily base and and then decided that marriage was the right thing for us. Eight months after that we said "I do."

To answer your original question, do a search of the topic on the site, there are several threads on the subject of asking for parents permission with lots of different thoughts and opinions on the subject. My DH told my parents he intended to propose, there was no asking involved. But we were 28 and 37 when he proposed and had both been on our own for some time.


Warning: Thread Hijack (my apologies lencor)
Absolute, your concern is one my mom shared when I told her I was moving to be near my then boyfriend. Because he was older and had never been married she was certain he would never want to get married. I am not much of a risk taker, but I was so excited about moving back to th Southern CA to a beautiful place to be near someone I really enjoyed spending time with that I wasn't too concerned about whether or not we would get married. It was going to be a great adventure for me, no matter the outcome. I think if I had gone into it determined to get a marriage commitment from him things would have turned out quite differently. I'm so glad I chose the aproach I did as it took the pressure off of both of us and allowed things to just be as they should have.

 

[gwendolyn]

Another LDR chica here: J and I are still doing the long-distance thing (200 miles apart/5-hour train ride) and have been since September, but this is an improvement over living on different continents (him in the UK, me in the US, about 3500 miles apart--which doesn't compare to LA & Aus, I know! But I don't want to win that competition!

) and seeing each other once every six months or so.

Compared to you, I'm OLD.

I'll be 30 in March, and almost all of my friends have gotten married already, or are engaged and getting married this year. I'm not in any rush, because I'm only getting married once, so I want to be as sure as I can be. He has said before that he wants to be engaged now, but we need to work out some big issues like which country we're going to live in, and will we be able to afford it with the jobs we get (since one of us will be on a work visa and/or have initial limitations in regards to what jobs we are able to get). I want us to live together first.

THEN, after things have settled and we have gotten a taste of what it's like to live together, instead of just visit for extended periods of time (which are more like holidays than real life), then I'm hoping everything will be like I anticipate and that we'll get engaged and start planning a wedding...somewhere...somehow...

I guess my point is, what's the rush?

 

[Pandora II]

Having done the LDR, I guarantee that Indy is giving totally the right advice.

Seeing each other - even for 2 or 3 weeks straight in a LDR is a VERY different thing from a normal relationship. As my mother said at the time, it's a series of perpetual honeymoons.

I also found I never knew how we behaved in an argument - we never wanted to have one when we saw each other as we had so little time, so we both compromised on what we wanted and felt about things. Boy was it a shock when we finally lived together.

Lets just say that the relationship fell apart in under 6 months.


My sister's marriage is a sad example of what happens when LDR goes REALLY wrong.

She and BIL met when they were both working abroad. He had a job which meant he was working out of town for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, so they only saw each other for a few days every month, and a couple of weeks when they went on holiday together.

He came back to the UK 6 months before her, and when she came back her picked her up from the airport and proposed on the spot.

My mother told her to live with him for a year before definitely deciding to get married. He totally refused to consider this - however he was sent abroad for 4 months and his company paid for my sister to go too. She must have rung my mother in tears every other night. They are so incompatible - he wants lots of space to read books and play with his computer and have 'me' time, she wants to go out partying, see friends and be constantly entertained. It's easy to miss these things - or not anticipate how much they will effect you and the other person when you are living together and seeing each other 24/7.

They had set the wedding date and went through with it - this was nearly 8 years ago. They are still married, but not happily - I've lost count of the times my sister has been to see a lawyer. The last time was 2 weeks before the birth of their second child (who is now 1 years old). I get phonecalls from her every couple of weeks saying how awful her life is but, she knows he will eventually become the man she wants him to be.

When I asked why she had had children, she said it was because she was bored, and so that when he changes the family is all set up and waiting for him.

Whilst they were LDR she built up this fantasy person based on what he was liked when they saw each other for short amounts of time, in reality he didn't live up to that - and unlike me who walked away, she thought/thinks he will change into that person.

My parents have never forgiven themselves for refusing to consider a wedding until they had spent more settled time together.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Wow, thanks for all the helpful reponses re: LDR! (Apologies to OP if it was a bit of a threadjack. I actually intended to start an LDR thread awhile ago but never got around to it).

I''m fortunate that SO and I are more ''moderate'' distance than truly long. We do see each other almost every weekend, which does allow for more real quality time together than some arrangements. And we do a lot of everyday/mundane stuff like run errands, grocery shop, etc. It''s gotten a lot better with time in that respect, since the first few months were very much devoted to dates and romance. We''ve started to see the way the other lives on a day-to-day basis now and we still seem compatible, so that is a good sign! Still, I can totally see where it could give you a bit of a bias as opposed to regular, non-LDR relationships.

I like the idea of an engagement timeline after moving if things continue to work out welll. I think that''s where SO is at, also (though he''s averse to specific timelines as he''s big on the actual proposal being a surprise-- but something vague is really all I need).

And I sent him e-ring ideas last night so that I could ''forget'' about it and be surprised eventually

 

[star sparkle]

BF and I were in a LDR for 3.5 years, California coast (me) to London (him). After he graduated he moved here while I was finished up my master''s program, so now we''ve been living in the same area for just over a year.

The past year has gone by so fast, and now I can hardly remember what it was like when we could only talk on the phone and see each other for a few weeks at a time. I just know that it''s VERY different, and you should definitely take some time being around each other on a regular basis before making the leap. Before he moved here he was nervous about marriage and would say he wasn''t ready and was a bit scared of it, but after only a few months of being here with me he started bringing to subject up himself!

We''ve talked about it in depth and are ready to be engaged, and he''s going to be buying a ring in the next couple of weeks if things go as planned.

So I guess the moral of the story is, take the time to live around him first. While it worked out for us, I know it''s so different once you''ve been in a LDR and then switch to living near each other, and it doesn''t work out for everyone.

Good luck!