My Wedding Story/Thoughts/Lessons Learned

[EricaR]

I figure that I''ll work on and add to this thread over the next few days. K and I have chatted quite a few times over the past week about what we would do differently if we could do the whole thing over.

And the conclusion we came to? We would never have bothered with the Mexico wedding. At all. Not worth the stress and the damage it seems to have done to some of the family relationships. A lot of this has to do with the people involved and I regret not being more aggressive in handling some situations the second I thought something was going down.

Easy place to start - a few quick things I would have done differently:

1. Add more boning to the bust of my dress. I had some funky medical problems in the few weeks before my wedding and my whole dress fit differently. It still fit, but my bustline changed. The first hour I had the dress on it held me up perfectly but by 90 minutes in the fabric had relaxed and I was falling out. I spent a ton of time pulling my dress up, hiking up the girls, etc.

2. Stand up straight! It was super windy that day and I ended up slouching a bit to avoid getting blown over. This looks terrible in photos.

3. Meet with your officiant ahead of time. I know this won''t be an issue for most people, but our officiant was arranged through our wedding planner and we didn''t meet her before the ceremony. She had an incredibly thick accent and we struggled to understand her and to repeat our vows.

4. This is the biggie - make sure you are clear and upfront with expectations for your photographer. The photographer I got was great BUT he is an artiste! And thinks that posed family photos are below him. This never came out in any of my email conversations with him and I didn''t pick up on that from the photos on his website. Luckily I have a great camera and a wonderful friend who was willing to use it and we got some family photos. He was also enamored with his fish-eye lens which I am not a fan of. Looking through the photos I see so many that should have been good except for that damn fish-eye.

I''ll get into the junk with my FIL tomorrow. Or maybe in an hour or so if I''m still awake.

 

[violet02]

Ok props to you for writing this. I couldn''t bring myself to do it back then! I was afraid to think about any negatives in case they drove me crazy, which they did anyways.

Re: 4.
I had a giant list I wanted to give my photographer he said he didnt use them/need them. My wedding planner gave it to him anyways. I''m pretty sure he didn''t read it. There were some typical bride shots I wish I had better photos of as a result. (like a train shot!). He was still great but I think the list is important too!

Re: 2.
I''d add, practice your ''faces'' beforehand if you''re prone to make them like I am. I have a ton of ''pursed lips'' photos and why the heck was my mouth hanging open so much too! The lip thing was the worst. Walking down the aisle thats like the majority of the shots that people have of my face. ugh! I also for some stupid reason was worried about my smile so I barely have any smiling with ''teeth'' photos. I should have worked out my smiles/poses etc ahead of time considering it was videotaped too!

 

[CNOS128]

I didn''t notice you slouching in your photos!
But I hear ya on the fisheye lens thing. I don''t understand it.

 

[LadyBlue]

What you did not like about the wedding in Mexico?

 

[Dreamgirl]

Thanks for the great tips!

erica- I thought your photos were great. But I could understand not liking a certain style that there are so many of (fish eye)

violet- ha! I always make all kinds of goofy faces. That''s something I never thought about before now..

 

[Lilac]

I also slouched in a lot of my pictures and my photographer used the fisheye lens in most of the pictures (I''m not sure why - it''s so frustrating because some of the pictures would have looked SO much better with a normal lens). I wish someone had told me in advance to pay attention to how I was standing and make sure I was standing up straight!

And talking to the photographer in depth is definitely a good idea - I hate a lot of my pictures and he didnt get a lot of the pictures I would have wanted because we barely spoke to him beforehand... I just assumed he would do a good job because he was recommended but my pictures didn''t come out so great

 

[ilovesparkles]

I have had a few friends who had a lot of problems with their photographer! Especially the kinds of pictures that were left out, one didn''t even get a picture of the groom''s mother during the entire reception!

This thread is gonna be one of my favorites in the months to come I think!

 

[cakeny]

This is a good topic. As a recent "bride" I know all too well about regrets! sigh. anyway, if my photographer "forgot" to take pics of my MIL, I would have tipped him.

Ok I JEST. I do love my MIL, but planning a wedding does NOT make a girl best friends with her MIL, that''s for sure.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/6/2009 7:45:23 PM
Author: cakeny
This is a good topic. As a recent 'bride' I know all too well about regrets! sigh. anyway, if my photographer 'forgot' to take pics of my MIL, I would have tipped him.

Ok I JEST. I do love my MIL, but planning a wedding does NOT make a girl best friends with her MIL, that's for sure.

HA!

Erica, sorry to hear about the bad things, but overall was it still fun?

 

[swimmer]

Erica, I''m curious to hear your thoughts about getting married in Mexico (aside from possible pandemics cough cough)... we have a wedding coming up in South America and are wondering how stuff is going to work out with who can travel etc. Your wedding pictures are fabulous! but i hear you on the fisheye, my photog was also addicted. Hope that your medical stuff is worked out.

I think back about photos and this is a general statement...you really only need like 2-3 frame-worthy ones (with family for moms, without for the local paper). Any more than that and your home becomes a shrine. Albums rock, but they get put away soon enough.

 

[EricaR]

I loved the *idea* of having a small wedding in Mexico with just our nearest and dearest, but it ended up damaging a lot of relationships. I''m not even going into my FIL''s terrible behavior yet - I''ll get to that in my next post.

Basically, by having a small wedding we hurt a lot of people. Unintentionally. When we set out to plan K and I each took our side of the family and decided who to invite. For me, it was my parents and my sister.

K had it a bit harder. He has one full sister, and three half and two step siblings. Some of the siblings have been married, had kids, divorced, remarried, etc. Who of those people does he invite? He''s certainly not close with the drug-addicted in and out of jail oldest half sister who he hasn''t seen in four years, but he is close with the very sweet half sister that he speaks with all the time. Could he invite one sister without the other? And by doing that does it mean we have to invite the half brother and his idiotic new wife? If we invite them, do we risk hurting the feelings of the ex-sister in law who we are still close to and see all the time? See the problem?

The final decision was to invite his full sister and her boyfriend (didn''t want to ask her to come to another country alone!), and not invite any of the half or step siblings. Of course, now we are dealing with the fallout from that. The half brother and the idiotic new wife didn''t give either of us a gift at Christmas, which they had every year prior. The wife removed me from her facebook friends and now won''t speak with me at family get-togethers.

Really, I''m glad we made the decision not to invite the half and step siblings. Our guest list of 8 would have at least doubled (the three half siblings are all married/in relationships and each would have wanted to bring their children). I am, however, worried that by keeping the list small we have damaged some sibling relationships beyond repair. Time will tell...

 

[tlh]

I think you did the right thing. I am sorry it has some fallout, and things weren''t as planned, but I think even the big ones go off all crazy like. I envy your small affair, hiccups and all, because my wedding, though lovely, was just soo stressful for me. Though I have to wonder if a small wedding would have had different stresses (my mom saying, I wish XXXX was here, guilt trip thing)... so I guess, whichever way you look, the grass can be greener.
You can wish all you want that people reacted how you wanted, but unfortunately, they just react how they react. You cannot control that. I hope over time the relationships that were solid before, will remain that way.

 

[EricaR]

I’m so sorry this has taken forever to finish writing – I’ve been totally crazy and haven’t had the opportunity to sit down and write this out yet. I also wanted a bit of time to elapse to emotionally distance myself so I can write it out as clearly as possible.

Sooooo, before we left for Mexico I told my DH that I expected his father to be difficult. And lets just say that he more than exceeded my expectations.

A bit of background:
1. My parents had never met his dad. Prior to getting engaged we didn’t want them to meet because we knew they would not get along. We got engaged in February 2008 and we made plans to have my parents travel to Southern California in April to meet his dad, but my grandfather had a heart attack and my dad ended up spending a huge chunk of time traveling back and forth to Florida helping take care of him. Grandpa passed away in September, but then my dad started a new job in October and couldn’t get enough time off work to travel down here. Just bad timing all the way around.

2. This January FIL started dating a woman, they got engaged in February and she was supposed to come to the wedding. I don’t know if you remember my previous threads, but we ended up re-arranging a bunch of pre-wedding activities around this lady’s tastes. Well, a week prior to leaving from Mexico FIL broke up with her and kicked her out of the house. He ended up being the only person at the wedding not there as part of a couple. Prior Thread on FIL's GF

Ok… My DH and I got to Mexico on Wednesday April 22nd. The first 24 hours we were there were magical. So unbelievably perfect. The magic spell was broken during dinner on Thursday the 23rd. There were 7 people at dinner – DH and me, my parents, FIL, and my SIL and her boyfriend. FIL suggested ordering a bottle of wine and handed the wine list to my dad. My dad selected a wine, and FIL immediately started making comments about how my dad must not know a lot about wine to have picked that bottle.

The waiter brought the bottle, poured a bit for my dad. My dad doesn’t believe in doing the whole “wine ritual” (examining the cork, swirling the wine glass for a few minutes, etc). He swirled the wine twice, sipped it, and said OK. The waiter poured a full glass for my dad, my mom, and FIL. FIL took one sip, called the waiter over, and SENT THE BOTTLE BACK saying it was unacceptable. WHAT?! He turned to my dad and said “It isn’t your fault that you have terrible taste.”

Ummm… my parents live 20 minutes from Napa and wine taste on a very regular basis. Last time I visited them my dad had a whole long conversation with the owner of one of his favorite wineries who told him that most of the wine ritual was useless and that all you have to do is one or two swirls, then sip. Either way, what FIL did was so very very rude. The worst is that this was the dinner where he behaved the best.

Fast forward to the next night, the night before the wedding. That day we had planned a group activity, a trip to a spider monkey rescue and sanctuary, which everyone attended. Well, everyone but FIL. SIL and her boyfriend stayed behind to keep him company. We went to dinner down on the main street in town at a very busy restaurant. About half way through dinner FIL stood up and said he wanted to make a toast. We figured that it would probably be a toast to us and were SHOCKED when he started crying and made a huge toast to his dead wife. Now…
1. His wife died about a year and a half ago.
2. The dead wife was not Ken’s mom.
3. The dead wife and Ken never got along. In fact, when he was 15 she kicked him out and refused to let him life with her and his dad anymore. Nice.
4. Its not like he’s actively mourning her anymore. In the 18 months since she died he’s had two serious girlfriends, one of whom he had proposed to and had moved into his house!

So really, what was the point of the toast except to bring all attention back to him? He then proceeded to sit there and cry the whole rest of the meal. No one knew how to react. I mean, do we just tell him “sorry”? Do we comfort him? I voted for ignoring him which is what I did. Of course, missing his dead wife didn’t stop him from leaving dinner and going out to the club next door to the hotel to try and pick up a woman for some “vacation fun”. Nice!

Fast forward to the following night, to dinner after the wedding. Right after the wedding my dad pulled Ken’s dad aside and told him that he was going to pay for dinner that night. I’m his oldest daughter and he wanted to pay for my wedding. Just like the previous night, FIL waited until halfway through dinner to stand up and announce to the crowd that he had paid for dinner.

WHAT? WTF?! Really?! WHY? I mean, its one thing if he felt strongly about wanting to pay and had pulled my dad aside to talk about it one-on-one. It is something else completely to stand up and make an announcement like that. Again, just bringing all attention back to him. I was FURIOUS. It made everyone want to finish dinner quickly and just get out of there. Unfortunately, K and I ended up arguing all the way back to the hotel and it continued once we got back to our room. We spent several hours on our wedding night arguing about it. I wanted FIL to apologize to my dad (and preferably me, as well) but DH didn’t think it was necessary because he thought his dad did it to be nice.

No freakin’ way was he doing it to be nice. He was doing it to prove that he was the bigger man, had more money, etc. Luckily my dad is always cool as a cucumber and after about 5 minutes of being upset he was over it.

Ugh. Just ugh. I am STILL really upset about the whole thing. Right now I don’t want anything to do with FIL…

 

[CNOS128]

I''m so sorry, Erica. That sounds...miserable.
I was just thinking about your beautiful photos the other day and wondering about a comment you''d made...something about the dinner not being very pleasant even though the restaurant was cool.

There''s something about weddings and in-laws that makes people act nuts, but it sounds like your FIL acts a little kooky no matter what. I''m sorry that happened, and that it caused you and your husband to argue.

 

[Lilac]

I''m so sorry you had to deal with that! Your FIL doesn''t sound too nice... Your pictures were beautiful though and hopefully you won''t have to deal with FIL as much anymore now that the wedding is over!

 

[allycat0303]

Oh my gosh. It sounds like a wedding nightmare more then anything else. My family would have started an all out war if FIL had acted like that. Kudos to your father for letting that stuff go. And to you too. Unbelieveable. I''m so shocked at FIL''s behavior. I can''t believe FIL didn''t try to restrain himself.

 

[FrekeChild]

FIL=DOOSHBAG

But you know I think that already...

 

[iheartscience]

Wow...just wow. It sounds like your parents handled your FIL''s rudeness very well. At least you have a set of very classy parents.

 

[bee*]

That''s awful! Well done to your dad for not saying anything to him. What unbelievable behaviour at your son''s wedding!

 

[ilovesparkles]

YEESH! I''m sorry to hear your Mexico wedding wasn''t all that you had hoped. Freke hit the nail on the head, FIL = Douchebag! Your photos are gorgeous, despite the fish eye usage.

 

[teapot]

Erica, I''m sorry your FIL was such a pain in the rear.

 

[honey22]

In short, your FIL is an a-hole and karma always comes around sweetie. Crack open a bottle of wine, sit back and watch it unfold, his time will come

 

[EricaR]

Thanks everyone. I was incredibly hurt right afterwards. In fact, the first week after the wedding if you had asked me what stood out the most from that day I would have said FI''s behavior at our wedding dinner. Luckily for me, those memories are already starting to fade. Now when I look back at the day I think about how blue K''s eyes looked during our ceremony, how wonderful the sand felt beneath my feet, and how much I enjoyed the actual wedding. Really, nothing else matters.

 

[Miscka]

Date: 5/13/2009 1:21:52 AM
Author: EricaR
Luckily for me, those memories are already starting to fade. Now when I look back at the day I think about how blue K''s eyes looked during our ceremony, how wonderful the sand felt beneath my feet, and how much I enjoyed the actual wedding. Really, nothing else matters.

good for you! What a great way to think of it.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/12/2009 2:52:20 PM
Author: bee*
That''s awful! Well done to your dad for not saying anything to him. What unbelievable behaviour at your son''s wedding!

seriously.

Thanks for sharing all your reflections, Erica! This kind of thing was so helpful to me while planning.

 

[Bia]

I''m sorry your FIL was acting like such a turd Erica.

I will say, though, that your parents sounds really cool, especially your dad. Feel happy (and lucky!) on that front.

Don''t let his behavior tarnish your wedding memories. And try to stay away if at all possible!

 

[mayachel]

What a whirlwind of emotions for your wedding. Thank you for posting your reflections and events. It is a shame that FIL couldn''t get over himself long enough to simply enjoy this special occasion in you and your dh''s life. Even worse that he felt the need to drag everyone else into his crumby version of reality, where he is the star.

It sounds as though you handled it all with grace and aplomb. Admirable for any person given the circumstances. Keep the memories of the good burning brightly and hopefully the rest will fall away in time.

 

[lliang_chi]

Erica, I''m glad you FIL''s ridiculous behavior doesn''t mar your memories of your wedding. You FIL sounds like a wretch. He''ll get his due.

 

[Gypsy]

Erica honey, I''m sorry that FIL being an ass led to you both fighting on your wedding night, that''s so not right . At least you can understand his history with women!

As for the pictures... you can always, always always do a post wedding day where you both dress up and go to a beach in So Cal, or someplace else and take some lovely pics. Like a TDD but with your groom along. I liked a lot of them though. I really did. I do wish that dog had bitten FIL instead of you though.

 

[katamari]

Date: 5/13/2009 11:45:40 AM
Author: Miscka

Date: 5/13/2009 1:21:52 AM

Author: EricaR

Luckily for me, those memories are already starting to fade. Now when I look back at the day I think about how blue K''s eyes looked during our ceremony, how wonderful the sand felt beneath my feet, and how much I enjoyed the actual wedding. Really, nothing else matters.

good for you! What a great way to think of it.

Huge ditto! I hope you and K have a stretch of time where you can enjoy each other without any family drama.